chapter one: sunrise

Seungyoon saw him again at a music shop.

It was a Saturday morning of spring and the weather was finally temperate: the sun shone high in the sky and the first green leaves were adorning the trees. Seungyoon sprinted effortlessly, glad for the warmth of the sunshine on his body, and reached the shop in few minutes.

He wanted to check the new album of Onerepublic, but he totally forgot his intentions as soon as he saw him.

He was, once again, a centre of gravity – his, Seungyoon thought as his lips trembled for the emotion. His eyes couldn’t stop studying his figure leaning on a pile of vinyl CDs and his hands moving along the borders of those CDs, underlining the titles with his fingertips. He smiled watching him muttering those names.

Seungyoon stared at him a moment too long, because the guy eventually realized he had been watched. He probably noticed Seungyoon with the corner of his eye, hidden once more by his hair. He didn’t look pleased.

Seungyoon awkwardly pretended to be interested in some CDs next to him. He twiddled, his hands grasping a vinyl of an unknown band. He turned it upside down and tried to make sense of those letters written on the black cover, but he couldn’t concentrate.

He didn’t want to lose that lucky opportunity. It had to be the fate that had made them meet again and he had no intention to go against it, especially if that guy was included.

He looked at him and found the courage to speak up: “Hi!”

The other one didn’t reply, he just blinked at his direction.

Seungyoon could feel the ice of his expression, but he couldn’t give up like that. Probably he was someone who wasn’t very sociable at first, or in general. “So…”, he eyed the title of the CD in his hand, “you like Daft Punk. Are you into electronic music?”.

“Are you looking for some musical advice? Or are you simply lost? You should ask the shop owner”, he replied dryly, putting the CD in its place.  

He... he didn’t say anything wrong and Seungyoon didn’t know how to reply, for once he was just speechless. Seungyoon lowered his gaze in disquiet.

They both didn’t move nor spoke for many seconds. In the end, Seungyoon looked at him and he stared him back. The way that guy kept standing there, his body almost facing Seungyoon’s, made him think he was somewhat curious, although the coldness in his voice and the suspicious look he had on.

Seungyoon wasn’t somebody who usually had problems with making the first move; he had enough courage when he thought it was necessary. The lump he had in his throat and his sweating hands were telling him that he had to say something or he would regret it.

“Actually, I saw you in a café two weeks ago. I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I do remember you. You were with a friend, a tall guy with black hair... I couldn’t forget you, not even for a moment”, he blurted out.

He inhaled deeply and looked at him, alarmed. He was afraid he had put him in awe, so he added: “This... this doesn’t mean I followed you or something strange like that, it was a coincidence we have met here, a merely twist of fate. Or I like to think so”. He smiled openly.

The other guy didn’t reply but frowned and faced him totally.

Seungyoon noticed they were the same height. He fixed him in his dark and deep eyes – then he studied him once again, his thick droopy eyebrow and the inviting shape of his mouth, his pretty nose... he liked him a lot, at least physically. He had even seen how nice his and his thighs were, some minutes ago. He wished he could just know him better than this.

“I don’t believe in fate”, he said at last, rubbing his neck with a hand.

“Me neither”, Seungyoon replied. “Not usually”.

“Then just stick to your usual behavior”, he retorted coldly. He blinked quickly, twice or thrice, as the corners of his lips dropped down in a gloomy expression, and again Seungyoon thought that, although what he had said, there was more in that: curiosity or maybe the pleasure to get recognized by a stranger – anything that wasn’t detachment and seriousness as he meant to show.

However, he went away. Without any more word nor a glance, he just headed to the exit and left him there.

Seungyoon didn’t try to stop him: he didn’t dare to. He didn’t have any other resource or reason to make him interested. He had said what he wanted and the guy had decided to go away.

Seungyoon sighed hardly.

He scratched his head, ruffling his fringe in an attempt of indifference. He didn’t want to be let down, but he was, somehow he was, even though he didn’t have reasons to hope for something more... he had just met him twice, just for luck. He couldn’t expect anything else.

He went to the cashier, which happened to be the shop owner. He was a friend of his and Seungyoon had to talk to him before leaving the shop.

“Hey”, he said as Seungyoon approached, “I didn’t know you were Taehyun’s friend”.

“I am not”, he paused. “I didn’t even know his name is Taehyun”. So that was his name, after all. Seungyoon didn’t expect to learn it like this.

“Really? This is the first time he talks so much. He usually greets me with a nod and he’s ours client from ages, exactly like you”.

“I’ve never noticed him… he must be a quiet person”, Seungyoon said.

“That’s strange, because I think you could get along quite easily... he’s into music like you, he’s in a band and they always rehearse at Jonghyun’s place”, he added. By the way he was looking at Seungyoon, he had probably realized what was going on in Seungyoon’s mind.

“Does he play? Or he sings?”, he asked, too curious to pretend indifference.

The shop owner smirked. “He has an angelic voice... I think you should hear him out”.

Seungyoon lays on their bed: the sheets are all unfolded and messy, and this usually bothers him a lot, but now he doesn’t really care. His eyes are closed and he pretends that Taehyun’s head is on his chest.

His ear is exactly over his heart and he listens to his heartbeat, humming an upbeat melody. Seungyoon is brushing his hair with his right hand, enjoying the smoothness under his fingertips. They’re happy.

Seungyoon smiles, remembering when he found out Taehyun’s habit. It’s one of his favorite memories, one of those he won’t tell anyone and will treasure in his heart till the very end.

They were both in the bed, at Seungyoon’s old place. It wasn’t that comfortable (not as this one, at least) because it was smaller, but it had its own perks – mostly one: they had to lay closer, even when sometimes Taehyun wanted to sleep more at ease, and Seungyoon loved that proximity.

He just liked to have Taehyun there, a lot. His head resting on his shoulder, the chin hidden in the curve of his collarbone, and his breath against his neck; the long red hair tingling his ear and his cheek, and the hand on his bare abdomen; everything.

Even when Taehyun wanted to sleep (and not cuddle him), the closeness made them touching each other – on their arms and their legs and their feet.

That time, Taehyun was embracing him.

Seungyoon was really tired and almost on the verge of dozing off, but still managed to listen to him with his eyes closed. Taehyun was singing softly – a sweet love song about a young couple.

After a while, he called his name. “Seungyoon…”, he smiled on his skin, his lips almost kissing his shoulder as he talked, “Seungyoon-ah, are you awake?”

He waited. “So you’re not”. His tone was satisfied and he rubbed his nose lightly on Seungyoon’s cheek.

Still, no reaction.

(Actually, Seungyoon was listening, in a sort of state between awake and sleep, but he didn’t want to reply)

Taehyun placed his head on his chest, cautiously. He stayed in silence for some moments, listening to his heartbeat.

“Do you remember the other day, when we were on the couch and we were kissing – of course you remember, how to forget – we were kissing and then we stopped and you held my hand and hugged me and – and I felt as you were hugging me for the last time, I don’t know, I felt so tense in that moment but probably it was just a reflection of your mood and-

You’re always like this when you’re nervous, it’s written all over your face and you can’t stop talking and fidgeting; sometimes I don’t know how to take you, but probably I’m not easy to get along with, right? I’m not.

So, of course you remember”, he paused for some instants. Seungyoon sensed him moving on his chest and then the light kiss he left on his clavicle.

“What I was saying – I was tense, but you were more. I didn’t know you would just say it aloud. But you did. It must take some courage – something I don’t have”, he breathed deeply – Seungyoon could not, waiting for the conclusion of that speech.

“You know I’m very proud. Maybe sometimes too much. It’s what I am, though, and you’re ok with that. I- I’m very thankful about that. And about you”, he whispered.

Then he chuckled. “And I wanted to say that I love you too”.

That was the first of many confessions Taehyun did when he thought Seungyoon was sleeping. He didn’t talk that much during the day and sometimes it was difficult to understand what his actions meant, but he always spoke at night. Seungyoon pretended to sleep and listened and loved him even more – because he knew it was difficult to Taehyun to just say those things at loud, proud as he was, but he still wanted to – he wanted to admit how much he liked him and how happy he was, even though he was genuinely scared to lose it all.

Seungyoon waited for the day he would say those words when he wasn’t “sleeping”.

Now, he is wide awake. The spell is broken and he knows Taehyun isn’t beside him and his head is not resting on his chest.

The only one listening to his heartbeat is himself – the carotid is pulsing in his neck and he hears the beat thundering and storming in his ears.

He opens his eyes and watches: the absence is so evident in that big bed.

He wishes he hadn’t moved in this house with Taehyun; he misses his small old bed, the one that witnessed Taehyun’s first confession.

He misses him even more.

Now that they’re not together, the silence is too loud in that house for two.

“I love you too”, he repeats, tasting those words on his lips. He tries to fill up the void of that room with his talking. “I miss you”.

He closes his eyes and feels the loneliness – the black monster under his eyelids is trying to catch him and suffocate him once again; but the worst is the one in his chest, scratching his ribcage, trying to eat his heart and his emotions.

In the dim light of the twilight, more than loving and missing him, Seungyoon hates Taehyun the most.

Seungyoon leaned against a wall, a skateboard in his hand and a smile on his face.

He was outside Jonghyun’s garage, feeling a bit of a stalker in that right moment. From that position he could hear quite clearly the rehearsal of Nam Taehyun’s band.

He was pretty sure it was formed by a rock guitar, one bass guitar, a keyboard and Taehyun, the voice.

He had to admit that the shop owner was right: his voice was truly angelic. High-pitched and mellow, he reached high notes with a smoothness he envied.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the music. The songs weren’t bad, even though they lacked something he couldn’t really identify – yet Taehyun was spectacular. Energetic but somehow soft, emotional but with a great capacity of controlling his voice; definitely charming and intriguing.

Seungyoon let his voice enter his mind – he could feel his entire body following the rhythm of his song: a pretty basic one, with an electronic base and some additions of bass sounds and the guitar – everything that gave life to that music was exactly his voice, and Seungyoon sensed how it set him alive.

He didn’t realize his smile had widened. He was totally into his performance, as much as he just stopped breathing when the band had some seconds of break between a song and the next one.

He felt... as the sensation of their first encounter at the café (if he could define it like this) was just a small sample of what he felt right now.

Seungyoon had other experiences of love – he wasn’t that naïve or that young either – but nothing like this.

He didn’t actually know him, he didn’t have the opportunity to even talk with him properly... he didn’t want to scare or bother him, but he wanted him as he never wanted anyone else.

A new song started. This one was less electronic and more rock. There was a nice guitar solo and Taehyun hit some high notes, singing fully and intensely. Seungyoon covered his face with his hand, rubbing his forehead and breathing heavily.

He probably never liked someone for his voice – this was his first.

An indeterminate amount of time passed while Seungyoon was there, with his eyes closed and his body stiffened in that straight position. When there was silence, Seungyoon was too stunned to go away, and he didn’t mean to. He didn’t know how he could wrap his thoughts and emotions up in a proper speech and tell him that he somehow liked him and wanted to know him better, but he was resolute and sure of his intentions.

He gasped when someone came out of the garage, but he wasn’t Taehyun. He looked puzzled and Seungyoon smiled lightly, trying to appear normal.

“Oh! I know you”, someone said at that right moment.

“Not really”, Seungyoon retorted, feeling pressured all at once. Taehyun was at his right, in a plan t-shirt and black jeans; his hair all messy and sweaty, a grin on his lips.

“I thought you would pleased of my acknowledgment; but you’re not”, he paused, studying him coolly. “So... you must be here just for – what it was? – a twist of fate”.

“Not this time”.

Taehyun looked at him, seriously. His stern face was almost a perfect mask: for Seungyoon could see just there, in a corner, a hint of curiosity. “Then you came for me”.

Seungyoon wasn’t someone who bothered about excessive and useless pride – not when it was against his own interest: “Yes”.

Taehyun smiled, but covered his lips with his hand.

“I- maybe I was too shameless, but the owner of that music shop mentioned that you rehearsed here with your band and I couldn’t forget– I couldn’t leave you with that stupid impression I made at the shop”, he coughed, tensely, and continued: “I assure you I’m not that bad – once you get to know me”.

He- he had failed so much. All the right words were stuck in throat and he had panicked and said the worst.

Taehyun chuckled. His face was quite bright, now, even though he still had some seriousness in the line of his eyebrows. “I guess I should take this as a compliment”. He observed Seungyoon for some instants, pensive. “Although it’s a given that you came for me, even without your reply”.

Seungyoon shifted to one foot from another. “What I meant is that I would like to see you again without looking like a stalker. But this is up to you...”, the he nervously added, “this doesn’t mean I would stalk you if you says no. I’ll just leave you alone”. He laughed, still amused by how badly he expressed himself in front of him. “What I just wanted to say, briefly: do you want to go out with me?”

He was assuming he liked men – and he hoped he didn’t dislike him... too much.

Taehyun looked at him, biting his lower lip and tucking his messy hair behind his ears; and after few seconds of silence, still with his eyes fixed on Seungyoon, he flinched and said: “Friday night, Minsuk throws a party at his home. You could come”.

Seungyoon smiled and nodded.

“Don’t expect anything”, Taehyun added, but Seungyoon suspected that he was lying.

“I should have known. When you went to see Minsuk alone. I should have known and I shouldn’t have trusted you”.

“I was blind. You made me”.

“How many times I didn’t notice... this is what keeps me alive, the regret. I thought I was smart and clever, I thought I was such a cool guy – but I was nothing, because you fooled me every single time”.

“I regret how special I felt those days with you by my side. I was happy, I was so happy and stupid, so blind – you made me”.

“I regret-“

(Seungyoon covers his eyes with his hands and hides himself from the world; he doesn’t want to see nor to be seen)

“All of you”.

Under those scattered lights everything had the same dim yellow tonality, mixed up with the darkness of the night. Thus, every face was painted with that shade, and the facial features merged together in a peculiar alienating result: everyone was stranger and familiar, indefinite and yet shaped – a multitude of people talking, laughing, breathing and living in the dim yellow.

And then there was Seungyoon, detached from that blurred vision, but eager to find Taehyun in that crowd.

He had looked everywhere, but Taehyun was nowhere to be seen.

Tired of moving through the crowd, he headed to the edge of the terrace, where few people were gathered, and finally breathed fresh air. Taehyun was surely playing hard to get, he thought, but he was the one who was easily fooled.

He took a sip of his cocktail, wondering what he could do now, without Taehyun at that party.

He looked at his shoes, which were black and quite elegant, and his grey skinny jeans – he had lost half afternoon choosing what to wear, and he had even styled his hair differently, managing a decent slicked back hairstyle. He lightly sighed.

“What are looking at so intently? Do you think you’ll find some answers in that cocktail?”, someone asked.

Seungyoon knew that voice – how to forget – and kept staring at his drink, smiling. “Maybe if I get drunk, yes”.

Taehyun chuckled.

Seungyoon raised his eyes and met his black ones. “So, are you having a good time?”

Taehyun grinned slightly. “Not yet. I’ve spent ten minutes looking for someone and I couldn’t find him at all”.

“What a pity”, Seungyoon sighed theatrically. “Me too, anyway. I kept circling around without finding somebody I’m interested in”.

Taehyun narrowed his eyes and curved his lips, looking quite satisfied. “Anyway, we could keep each other company... until our partners come up”.

Seungyoon nodded and shifted to leave him some space so that he could place his arms on the railing, looking to the big dazzling city in the dark night while Seungyoon faced the party.

Seungyoon looked at him: he wore black skinny trousers and a long-sleeved grey shirt and he was particularly beautiful, bended on that railing, his white profile against the black of the night, and his hair untidy and wavy. He wanted to brush that hair so badly.

“You look very fine today”, Taehyun said suddenly. “And you’re staring at me again”.

“I guess it’s becoming a habit”, he chuckled and welcomed that compliment silently. Then, he realized he still didn’t know his name (not officially) nor Taehyun knew his one. “It’s Kang Seungyoon, by the way”.

“Nam Taehyun”, he said, turning his head and looking at him straight in the face.

“And so… Nam Taehyun, I guess I have to redeem myself for last time. Do you want a drink?”, he paused, then added: “Or do you want to do something else?”

Taehyun smiled. “What do you suggest?”

Seungyoon raised his eyebrows, grinning. “Well, there is a certain way to end up a party, but I’m not that drunk yet”.

“Oh, geez”, Taehyun laughed. “You didn’t seem that bold the other time”.

“I wasn’t myself”, Seungyoon admitted, fixing him right in his eyes – he had to be confident and honest to impress him, he knew it; and that wasn’t really troublesome, as Seungyoon was someone quite sure of himself. “I’m usually more like this. You see, the other day I was overwhelmed. I met some guy who was pretty stunning – you know those types, you see him on the street and your body heats up in a moment; and although you admire such a beauty, you want to know it better – in a scientific way of course – and well, he was like- he had this effect on me and I’ve lost all my wit”.

Taehyun was pretty amused, he could see it. He stayed in silence for some moments, his lips curved and his eyes studying his face, and then he replied. “I wish I knew this guy”.

“Right”, Seungyoon sighed. “I didn’t find him in the crowd and I was quite dejected, I thought I ruined everything the last time because I spoke without thinking, more than usual at least. But he found me. I guess he was interested, after all”.

“Maybe he was just curious”.

“Seems legit. So, do you want that drink, Taehyun?”

“Someone could say you’re trying to get my drunk and then kidnap me”.

“If you want, I can kidnap you right away and skip all the small talks and the possible hangover”.

“And I thought you were a nice and shy guy who wanted to know me”, Taehyun scoffed.

Seungyoon loved how playful he was, that night. The last time he was quite cold, but probably now he was sure that Seungyoon was really interested (and not a crazy stalker). “I wasn’t implying that – not necessarily”.

“Really?”, he said sarcastically.

“Well, I might have thought about the possible ends of this night”, Seungyoon raised a hand, daringly, “but whatever were my intentions, I want to know you”, he his auburn hair, lightly. “If you want me to”.

Taehyun widened his eyes, as Seungyoon kept brushing his hair gently, and then chuckled. “And you’re cheesier than you look”.

Seungyoon nodded energetically. “I am, sir, guilty of cheesiness”.

“A cuba libre will be fine, for now”, Taehyun said, finally accepting his propose. He raised his hand and held Seungyoon’s for few instants, his fingers gripped around his palm; then he loosened his grasp to let his hand free.

Seungyoon’s fingers dwelt just another second on his hair, and then he smiled and stood back. “I’ll be back in a minute, don’t move”.

They drank a lot.

Seungyoon had lost the count at 3, 4 – he just didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about anything in that right moment. What mattered was Taehyun and nothing else.

The boy was laughing hard, a hand on his forehead and the other on his belly; his entire body shaking.

Seungyoon didn’t remember what made him start, but he kept giggling and admiring him. He liked how Taehyun moved around as he laughed, his hands flying around and his back arched. He was so funny and childish, just in that occasion, because usually he was pretty composed and cool.

Taehyun laid a hand on his shoulder, leaning on him as he was still shaking.

“Are you ok?”, Seungyoon asked, without knowing where to put his hands... could he try to rest them on his hips?

“Yes, I’m fine... really fine”, Taehyun almost cried out. His face was very close, Seungyoon noticed, and he could feel his breath on his cheeks. His heart fluttered wildly.

Seungyoon decided he could dare to be a little touchy. He placed his hands on his hips and waited for his reaction.

Taehyun chuckled and rolled his eyes, then he placed the other hand on his free shoulder. “Shall we dance?”

“I’m not a good dancer”, Seungyoon replied, worried.

An hour ago the music had started, as Minsuk has paid a DJ to keep the party alive and interesting. The music on the background was loud and fast-paced; some people were already dancing at the centre of the terrace, but Seungyoon and Taehyun were more in a position for a waltz.

Taehyun grinned widely, his droopy eyebrows raised and his eyes bright. “Don’t be a grandpa”, he said as he shifted one hand and placed it on his lower back.

Seungyoon gulped, but kept a straight face.

They both starting moving at the rhythm of the music, following the beat; their bodies were tangled and freaking close – the hips, and his hands on his back, on his shoulders, and then his chest – , Nam Taehyun was even ier than he expected. He couldn’t really keep his pace, but he danced randomly, trying to stick with him the most.

Taehyun turned, giving his back to Seungyoon, and held his hands as he placed them on his hips, inviting him to dance with him. Seungyoon did as he was told, basically bouncing on his feet and letting Taehyun do the real work.

Taehyun surely knew how to move and followed the flow, and Seungyoon could feel his moves through his hands on his hips. He was so hot that he couldn’t even breathe or think properly anymore.

Seungyoon just felt: his hair on his cheeks and the warmth of his body, and his own breath uneven and deep; his arms thrown to the air and his back so close to his torso; his hips swaying to the rhythm of the music, and his own fingers sensing the liquid movements of the muscles, the tension and then the release; and his , so close to his groin that Seungyoon could feel the pain every time he shook his body.

“ this ”, he muttered, as he clenched his arm and made him turn around.

Taehyun was startled just for a moment, then he smiled.

“You surely know how to tease someone”, Seungyoon said before he kissed him.

Taehyun opened his mouth, welcoming him, and threw his arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Their body fitted perfectly. Seungyoon rushed his hands on his back, pressing his lower body on his, and then deepened the kiss.

He felt as he was finally testing a present for the first time: the excitement to try something new, the pleasure to see that it was something he liked, the intimate joy and gratitude for that present, for him only – Taehyun was something like that.

Seungyoon his lips and breathed hard, as they momentarily stopped. He gave him few quick peeks, amused by the softness and wetness of his mouth.

Taehyun chuckled and breathed on his lips, hotly. “Don’t be a grandpa”.

Seungyoon puffed and kissed him properly.

“I actually liked you a lot. That day you came to listen to our rehearsal, do you remember?”

“I was curious because you actively talked to me and flirted with me in such a disastrous way – I could feel it was sincere. I’m usually attracted by cool people and you weren’t one of them – not that day at least– but I could see how you wore your heart on your sleeve”.

“Oh my, you were catastrophic, Seungyoon hyung”.

A chuckle and then he goes: “But you’re kind of cool in your strange and nerdy way, more than I expected that day. And tonight, you were especially audacious, Seungyoon-ah”.

He kisses him lightly on his cheek.

This time, Seungyoon sleeps.

*