Transient

“We can’t do this anymore.”

Jongin had just recovered from his post-coital bliss, leaning against the headboard of his bed and smoked, when Kyungsoo gave him the shocking statement. For a moment, Jongin couldn’t figure out what to say; he simply stared at Kyungsoo’s back as the older man put his clothes back on, too shocked to say anything.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

Kyungsoo turned around, all the while his eyes avoided Jongin’s. “I’m in love with someone else...I think.”

“What the hell--" Jongin shifted to sit straight, “You think you’re in love with someone else? And you decided to tell me this right after you finished ing me?”

“Jongin--” Kyungsoo called him exasperatedly. “It’s not like that. Please don’t make it sound like that.”

“Then what is it like?” Jongin sneered. “Tell me how I’m supposed to see it, because all I know is that you climb into my bed almost every night, me in almost every available chance, and then you suddenly decided that you’re in love with someone else. How exactly do you expect me to feel?”

“I don’t know, you decide!” Kyungsoo voiced desperately. “But please, don’t think of it that way.”

Jongin smiled bitterly, more to himself than Kyungsoo. “Is it him?” He asked in a low voice. “It he the one who has been calling you, and appeared at our schedules unnoticed?”

Kyungsoo’s affirmative nod was subtle, but it wasn’t left unnoticed by the younger man.

“Apart from the apparent--rich, famous and debtless, what does he have that I don’t, hyung? Is he a better --”

“He treats me nice, okay?” Kyungso blurted. However, by the time he saw Jongin's face changed, Kyungsoo regretted his outburst. Kyungsoo was trying to keep the discussion cool, but Jongin's anger agitated him.

For the first time since Kyungsoo initiated the talk, their eyes met. And right away, Jongin cursed when he noticed that his roommates’ eyes were glazed with tears. Jongin could never stand a chance against Kyungsoo’s tears. He suddenly felt tired, the anger that blazed inside his chest evaporated within a second.

“Am I not treating you right then, hyung?” He said in a whisper. “Have I done wrong to you?”

“Jongin--” Kyungsoo said desperately. “You’re not even gay.”

“How does it matters? Does it makes me incapable to love you?”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. It’s different; he’s mature and calm. While being with you makes me feel like I’m having the time of my life, I couldn’t shake the thought that what we have here is temporary. He’s the one that keeps me on the ground. He’s the one who makes me feel secure.”

Jongin scoffed. “Secure, huh? I see where this is going.”

“Jongin, please...” Kyungsoo’s voice was heavy. He sat by Jongin’s side, resting his hand on Jongin’s blanket-covered knees. “You’re a precious friend of mine. Of all people, I hope you’d be the one who will understand my decision."

When Jongin adamantly stayed reticent, Kyungsoo forced himself to swallow his need to cry. "Please, Jongin-ah...”

Kyungsoo's shoulder sank when Jongin pushed his hand aside and rose up from his bed. The older man looked away, unable to stare at Jongin's body as the latter put his clothes back on. The body he had grown accustomed to, the body which anatomy he had grown to know better than his own, the body who had inflicting on him excruciating pain and yet so exquisitely pleasing.

There was nothing Kyungsoo could do when jongin mumbled something about needing fresh air, and left after he grabbed the cigarette box on his bedside. Their bedroom door slammed behind Jongin's back, obscuring him from Kyungsoo's sight.





Kyungsoo knew that Jongin wasn't leaving the dorm, for he walked out in only his thin white shirt and brought no jacket with him. Half an hour later, Kyungsoo exited the room and heading straight to the balcony. During the length that they stayed at their dorm--became friends, roommates, and everything else between strangers and lover--Kyungsoo had known that the narrow and hazardous-looking balcony was Jongin's choice of emergency sanctuary. It was the only place in the common area where the other members allowed Jongin to smoke. Most of the time, he smoked inside the room they shared, Kyungsoo did not mind as long as Jongin opened their window. However, during times when Jongin felt like he needed space to think, he always went to the balcony

Kyungsoo stepped outside toward the balcony stealthily, didn't want to disrupt the serene atmosphere around Jongin. However, as he stood few feets away and waited for the chance to come over and talk, Jongin had called him first.

"Come here, hyung. I won't bite..." he said without turning around.

Kyungsoo sighed, stepped closer and pressed his forehead against Jongin's back. "How do you know I was here?"

"I figured that you come after me eventually. Besides," Jongin turned around, taking Kyungsoo's smaller build into his arms. "I can always recognize your scent."

Kyungsoo's intention to resume their talk was killed away by Jongin's statement. In the end, he resigned into Jongin's embrace, allowing his sense to take control. Kyungsoo felt like slowly drowning into an ocean of him--his cigarette and aftershave, unable to deny the emerging emotion of feeling at home. They remained quiet for some times, Jongin swayed his body--and consequently Kyungsoo's--along a certain melody that only existed in the younger man's mind. Jongin's skin felt cold after being exposed to the early winter’s night breeze. It was then that Kyungsoo realized the danger Jongin had exposed himself to, standing at the balcony clad in only white, flimsy shirt of his. He had not noticed before, since he had donned himself in thick wrapping.

“Jongin, we should get in.” Kyungsoo said. His roommate, however, ignored his plea and continued to rock him in his arms, his embrace tightened around Kyungsoo.

“There’s nothing I can do, isn’t there?” Jongin’s words reverberated against Kyungsoo’s neck.

Kyungsoo swallowed, biting his lips as he whispered back, “I’m sorry...”

“It’s your life hyung, really. I realize as much that we never actually committed ourselves into anything when we started...this. I never offered you a relationship. And if it’s what you actually wanted, and you have someone in mind for it, then it will be selfish of me to begrudge for going for something you want.”

Kyungsoo nodded. “I’m sorry for putting you in this position. I know this is low, and I’m tactless, but this is the only chance I got. Jongin, you know I can never resist you otherwise. You know how weak I am against you.”

How about me? How about you? Don’t you know that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, whenever you stare at me with those eyes?

“I understand, hyung.”

Kyungsoo nodded;  forced a smile on his lips as he gently--reluctantly--pulled himself away from Jongin's embrace. “I’m going to miss you--this--whatever we had.”

“Me too...”

Jongin had no choice but to smile back.





Jongin stared at the couple’s back--Kyungsoo’s and his newfound love’s, saw how his roommate’s eyes brightened when the man was within his sight, and felt a stab of pain in his chest. He looked away, forced himself to swallow the bitterness of jealousy. The man was everything Kyungsoo said he was, and everything Jongin was not. While Jongin’s approach toward Kyungsoo was brash, the man was gentle and delicate. Whereas Jongin liked to depend on Kyungsoo to take care of his well being, the man was nurturing and supportive instead.

He showed up at the dawn of Kyungsoo’s birthday with his love on his hands--flowers, presents, cakes and breakfast for the entire dorm. Jongin bowed toward the man from afar, receiving a smile in return. He silently witnessed how Kyungsoo's face grew red upon the teasing from Chanyeol and Sehun, but at the same time beamed in happiness and pride. Jongin watched how his friends gathered around the boxes and trinkets that the man brought, kindly inviting his juniors to come and enjoy the breakfast he purposely bought from a place of distance since he knew that it was Kyungsoo's favorite. Jongin closed his eyes as his friends unpacked the food containers; the fragrant smell of various cooking, fresh from the kitchen filled the apartment. He was happy for his friends, sincerely; they had been so accustomed to plain toast and cereal as their morning fix, rarely had the privilege to eat real food for most of the time their schedule did not allow it.

Jongin watched his friends gathered around the table--Junmyoon had pulled the chair at the head of the table for Kyungsoo's guest--and ate the grand breakfast in festive. He felt lonely and isolated, because damn, it should have been him who was sitting there, right by Kyungsoo's side. However, he couldn’t bring himself join the crowd. In the end, he settled with inaudible mumble about not having enough sleep the night before, swallowing in dismay when no one noticed, and retreating back to his room--the one he shared with Kyungsoo--to his interrupted sleep.





The apartment was quiet by the time he woke up for the second time that morning. Jongin stole a glance at Kyungsoo's side of room, noticed that the older man's jacket and bag was gone, which only meant that he was out. But various other objects had replaced his presence. Bouquet of roses--which scent overwhelmed Jongin’s senses, human-sized teddy bear, and a small velvet box that Jongin almost missed, for its color blended with Kyungsoo’s bedding.

The last item had particularly evoked Jongin’s interest. He quietly went to Kyungsoo’s bed, touching the box with the tip of his fingers, before making up his mind and took it into his hand.





When Kyungsoo returned and entered the room with flushed face and wide smile, Jongin was back on his own bed. The older man smiled awkwardly to him, until his eyes caught the glimmer from the object that hung on Jongin’s hand. It was the necklace his boyfriend gave him.

“Where did you get that?” Kyungsoo asked.

“It’s pretty,” Jongin said, ignoring Kyungsoo's question.

His eyes were fixed on a couple of diamond-studded, tiny interlinked circles that hung on the intricate string of chain. Circles--completion and wholeness, diamond--prosperity and steadiness, interlinked--commitment and bound. The necklace bore promises Jongin could never offer.

“Why don’t you wear it?”

Kyungsoo looked away. “I--I didn’t have the time. The members--they were too excited to go for a walk at Han river park earlier.”

Jongin did not say anything in return. He simply climbed down his bed and sauntered over Kyungsoo; the older man grew paler as Jongin came closer.

“I haven’t had my chance to say happy birthday.” Jongin whispered.

Kyungsoo closed his eyes when Jongin raised his hands. Biting his lower lip, he didn’t know what he should anticipate. He had expected Jongin to hug or kiss him, but instead, he received none of them. Jongin stood very close to him, that was for sure. Kyungsoo could feel the younger one’s body heat. But there was no actual contact of their skin that Kyungsoo had secretly missed.

Kyungsoo’s eyes remained closed when he felt Jongin’s lips grazed over his ears, as the younger one whispered a short, sad ‘happy birthday’. It was then that Kyungsoo could no longer felt Jongin’s warmth, or catch his signature cigarette and woody scent. Instead, Kyungsoo felt a cold material touching the expanse of exposed skin just above his chest and his nape. Kyungsoo slowly brought his hand up to the necklace, feeling the pendant with his fingertips.

When he finally opened his eyes, Jongin was gone--stealthily made his way out of the room. Being left on his own inside a room for two, the one they had shared, Kyungsoo could no longer keep his feeling bottled. He fell on his knees on the floor, Jongin’s clothes scattered around him.





When they met again the next morning during breakfast at the dorm, Jongin had given him his familiar trademark smile. As usual, Jongin had saved a seat for Kyungsoo by his side, as well as guarding a portion of Kyungsoo’s favorite cereal from Chanyeol’s ravenous morning appetite. There was nothing different about the talk that revolved around the table, as well as Jongin’s gestures toward him.

There was no trace of what happened between them the day before in the younger one’s face. It was as if Jongin had gone through reset, and programmed himself into a room mate he once was for Kyungsoo, before the affair between them begun. Kyungsoo knew he should rejoice, that the situation should have made him felt relieved. However, he had known Jongin too well to be able to tell that it was all just a facade, a charade Jongin had played on to avoid awkwardness between them. And for the sake of whatever feeling that once existed between them, he couldn't find solace in pretense.

It did not take long until Jongin began to date a girl who was also one of their company mate. Somehow, Kyungsoo found it hard to process and accept the news as a fact. It had not been that long since Jongin expressed his feeling for Kyungsoo. He couldn’t have had change of heart in a very short time; Kyungsoo found it unacceptable.

But then he remembered how it was with himself, and the way he broke it off with Jongin. The feeling of shame instantly hit him. Who was he to judge Jongin and the decision he made?
Kyungsoo began to wonder if Jongin had felt the same when he was forced to accept Kyungsoo’s choice. He wondered if Jongin had experienced the same burning anger, overwhelming jealousy as well as the ultimate helplessness. He wonder if he had put Jongin through the same torture as the one he was suffering at the moment.

Kyungsoo began to wonder why should he even walked away.




Coming back to their dorm late one day, Kyungsoo found that the door of his room was locked. He raised his hands, about to knock, when Baekhyun called him out from the kitchen.

"You don't want to do that, trust me."

Kyungsoo hesitated, before dragging his feet to joining his bandmate. "And why is that?"

"He's busy." Baekhyun gave him a meaningful smile. "If you know what I mean…"

Kyungsoo indeed know, and he hated himself for that. He gave Baekhyun a light punch on the other man's arm, and grabbing the bag he previously dumped on the kitchen counter.

"Please tell the others that I'm not returning home tonight."

Baekhyun raised his gaze from the pot of ramyeon he was cooking. "Where are you going?"

"Jongin isn't the only one who's allowed to have some fun." Kyungsoo winked. He gave his friend a brief smile, but quickly turned around and walked in a quick steps; his hand fished for his phone inside his back pocket. Instead of calling his lover, however, Kyungsoo dialed for Hyunsik and asked if he could stay for the night.





While the relationship he had with the girl lasted longer than his usual fling, Jongin eventually ended it up anyway. He casually brought up the fact during a free saturday night, when Joonmyun asked him why he didn't go out on a date as usual. There was a small uproar when the members were asking him for reasons, Kyungsoo especially was choked on his food, but Jongin refused to say anything except that it was a mutual decision and none was hurt during the process.

"It was good while it last," Jongin shrugged nonchalantly, eyes remained on the wide-screen TV where a film of Sehun's choice was played.

Upon noticing that Jongin was not interested to elaborate the story on his ending relationship, the rest of the people in the room let the subject down. They were a closed-knit community anyway; news travelled fast and they would eventually discovered the truth that Jongin omitted--if there was any. Nevertheless, Kyungsoo couldn't seem to calm down his heartbeat. Jongin's statement had evoked an altogether different mood. It did not take long until he abandoned his plate into the sink, and excused himself into his room.

Out of his knowledge, Jongin's eyes were trained on him until he closed the door of their room behind his back.





“Jongin-ah...”

Jongin looked up from the book he was reading, and saw that Kyungsoo was staring at him. They were inside their dressing room, waiting to perform at an international event abroad. Jongin had been feeling wary; the fatigue from hours of plane ride, followed by another long hours of rehearsal had been taking toll on him. But even with all of that, Jongin could never ignore Kyungsoo. Never.

Closing his book, Jongin asked. “Yes hyung?”

“I broke up with him.”





Vicious cycle, the thing between them was.

It was as if nothing had happened during the span of few months, when each ventured to a different realms, apart from each others. Nothing had changed. At the end of the day, Kyungsoo would always find his way into Jongin's arms. Most of the time, they would lie still in the darkness; Kyungsoo's head propped against Jongin's shoulder, his fingers traced patterns on the younger man's clothed chest. Their legs entangled, and remained like that until they woke up the next day. At some nights he would climb into Jongin's bed , his eyes dark and searching, and Jongin would take his hand and guided him to lie by his side. On nights like that Kyungsoo would surrender, submitted himself to Jongin's control to decide on where they headed.

Sometimes, Jongin would take him slow. He would began with kisses; soft, butterfly pecks, tender upon Kyungsoo's skin and drove him mad. Kyungsoo would beg for Jongin to speed things up, but Jongin would never grant his request. Instead, he would twine their hands together--fingers interlaced, his lips would stifle any complain that came out of Kyungsoo's mouth. The pace which Jongin took was excruciatingly slow and gentle, treating his partner as if his body was fragile, that Kyungsoo came very close to tears. But Jongin would hush him down, whispering words into his ears. In exchange of quicken up, he would touch Kyungsoo; the same gentle , the same lazy pace.

Sometimes, Jongin would take him rough; fast and raw. He would tug on Kyungsoo's pants, pushed the older man against the wall or into his mattress. He wouldn't be bothered with teases, his head nestled between Kyungsoo's legs, taking him deep. and Kyungsoo would find himself biting back the moan that threatened to spill from his mouth. Jongin was merciless, then. He would spread Kyungsoo wide, ing into him in a fast, steady rhythm. At times like that Kyungsoo felt like he would break, the delight that came alongside the pain was so sharp Kyungsoo would twist the bed sheet until it almost ripped, tearing up as he did so. And yet, he never wanted Jongin to stop doing what he did. He never asked Jongin to slow down or be gentler. Because it was Jongin, and Kyungsoo trust him that the younger man wouldn't do anything to inflict him pain.

There was something in the way Jongin touched him that was irreplaceable. There was something in the way Jongin's eyes bore deeply into his, that left hole inside his mind and his soul, which no one else couldn't help to fill. There was something in the way Jongin filled him that made Kyungsoo felt an utter completion, a feast to his senses; he would find himself drown into Jongin's warmth, the shower gel mixed with Jongin's natural scent, the melodious low grunts that reached Kyungsoo's ears, the sweetness of Jongin's mouth--the underlying taste of tobacco Kyungsoo pretended to hate but he secretly craved, and how the sheen of sweat on Jongin's forehead signified his effort to make Kyungsoo felt good.

For the said reasons, Kyungsoo had always come back for more. For the said exact reasons, Kyungsoo had let go of (what he thought was) love to return to Jongin's embrace, his place next to Jongin on the younger man's bed.

There was something about Kyungsoo's presence that made Jongin felt content. There was something about Kyungsoo's orderliness, how it contrasted to Jongin's nature of mess, that kept him leashed--like the crumbs of bread that could lead him home. There was something about Kyungsoo's no-nonsense that provided him gravity, constantly reminded him about reality and whatnot, the tight slap around his face which he occasionally needed. There was something in the way Kyungsoo clung on him when they made love (have ?) that made him felt needed, that being in Kyungsoo's arms (or having Kyungsoo inside of his) made him feel like he was a stronger man. Kyungsoo was like a drug, a staple substance Jongin needed to keep going.

For the said reason, Jongin would always welcome Kyungsoo in his bed. For the said exact reason, Jongin would never say no, he swore to the sleeping Kyungsoo to never let go.

Although, like any addiction, Kyungsoo's presence--withdrawal of him, was something that unfortunately would damage him in the long running.

Transactional; the fulfillment of one's need in exchange to the fulfillment of the other's, that was the nature of their bond. There was no resolution, no resolve. Although no drawbacks, there was also no progress. And while Kyungsoo found himself contented enough with the arrangement, Jongin was growing weary with each passing day.

Vicious cycle was where Jongin and Kyungsoo had been running.




Kyungsoo had a bad feeling when Jongin called, said that he waited in their room to talk. The younger one's voice was amiable, and he worded request in a way that wouldn't make Kyungsoo unsuspecting if it wasn't because of his gut instinct. The ride back home had been torturous, and Kyungsoo sort of wished that the cab would never arrived. He intentionally missed the elevator, and took the longer way to their dorm.

Jongin was resting on his bed, his back propped by a stack of pillows again the headboard. He was smiling widely, shifted his legs wider and asked for Kyungsoo to come. Kyungsoo was lost; the atmosphere in the room was nothing like had expected. He confoundedly dropped his bag on his bed, before joining his room mate.

“God, I love your scent hyung,” Jongin said, as Kyungsoo leaned against Jongin. The younger one’s arm circled around his waist as he planted tiny kisses over Kyungsoo’s neck.

“I haven’t showered.” Kyungsoo mumbled; he wriggled when Jongin chuckled against his ear.

“I don’t mind...” Jongin whispered.

They spent the next few minutes in silence; the only sound that was audible in the room was the noises someone made in the kitchen right outside their door. Kyungsoo could feel Jongin’s heartbeat and his own, a pair of matching rhythm that gave him the impression as if they both shared a single heart that pumped life into them. Kyungsoo felt like he could stay in the moment forever; him, Jongin, the two of them, just like this. The thought was somewhat frightening, because Kyungsoo realized just how dependant he was toward the other man.

“Hyung,” Jongin broke the silence. “You know I love you right?”

“Hmm?” Kyungsoo answered lazily.

“You know that no matter what happened, nothing will change anything between us...right?”

Kyungsoo stirred uneasily. “Jongin, what are you saying?”

“We will stay this way hyung, God knows how long, but I promise I’m never going to be the one who let go. I will hold your hands. I will take you in my arm. I will sleep by your side and smile to you when you wake up, and I--”

“Jongin, stop!”

Kyungsoo turned around, and surprised to find that Jongin was crying. Whatever statement Kyungsoo was going to make disappeared as soon as he saw the rare sight of Jongin shedding his tears. Jongin never cried; at least not the Jongin that Kyungsoo knew.

“Why are you crying?” Kyungsoo’s voice came softer than before.

“I love you, hyung.” Jongin looked down, feeling ashamed for showing his frailty. “But I can’t stop fearing that I might lose you once again. I can’t do this anymore.”

So many nights had Jongin spent reevaluating his relationship with Kyungsoo. Nights of having Kyungsoo sleeping in arms; the warmth of his body, the soft sound of his breath, how Kyungsoo’s eyelashes fluttered when he dreamed. The sole thought of no longer having Kyungsoo in his life like they were right now was frightening. On the other hand, Jongin could never survive another chance of losing him, of Kyungsoo told him another goodbye.

Jongin knew it was the matter of time before Kyungsoo found another love, another ideal form of relationship he would have in his mind. Jongin also knew, that no matter how many people Kyungsoo would fall in love with, none of them would be him. For Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jongin was transient; he was never the one Kyungsoo truly wanted, and he would never be.

Jongin thought, rather than losing him, it would probably be better to never have him at all.

Kyungsoo hated the pensive silence that Jongin displayed. He leaned closer and cupped the younger one’s face, “Don’t you trust me?” Kyungsoo’s voice was strained.

“I do trust you hyung.” Jongin’s lips curled into a smile--a smile that lasted only transiently, because his face turned dark again in a matter of seconds. “But I don’t trust myself when i’m with you. I will always want more from you, something which I know you can never give me. In the end I know I will demand it it from you, and you will be forced into something you don’t want to do --”

“Jongin, stop.” Kyungsoo cut him, his words were trembling. “I know what you’re thinking, I understand. So please, stop...”

Kyungsoo’s desperate plea brought their conversation to and end. The older man shifted closer to Jongin, pressing their torso together and his lips swept over Jongin in a tentative kiss. Their gazes met, Kyungsoo’s stare was whispering silent plea that Jongin’s mind could hear. This is the last time--a closure they both needed.

Kyungsoo started to cry when Jongin pushed him down on the mattress, and showered him with torrents of kisses. bodies entangled under the duvet; slow movement, unbroken eye contact. Their touches was sacred, for there would be no next time. Their feeling intensified, both allowed their whole existence to be the prisoner to the moment.

...for there would be no next time.





Kyungsoo was slightly surprised to find out that he woke up on his own bed. He remembered putting on his clothes tiredly before snuggled close to Jongin, and fell asleep inside his embrace. The younger one must have moved him back as soon as he felt asleep. The thought had sent a flux of pain into his chest, and for a moment he struggled with the lack of air.

Eventually, Kyungso climbed down his bed and stood in front of the tiny mirror on the wall, forcing a smile on his face. He exited the room, into the kitchen and breakfast table where the rest of the band gathered. Jongin was already there, waved for him with his warm smile. But instead of an empty seat next to him, Kyungsoo found that the only vacant spot was on the opposite of the table, wedged between Chanyeol and Sehun.

As he poured his favorite cereal into the bowl, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but to steal glances at Jongin’s direction. Most of the time, Jongin was too busy eating his breakfast or talking with the other members. However, at a moment their eyes met, and Kyungsoo felt his heart leapt. He waited for Jongin to look away, but instead the younger one had smiled. It was when Kyungsoo knew that in a way, he had not lost his best friend. He knew the meaning of the smile; a piece offering, an assurance, and a symbolic beginning of a new significance.

“You look nasty, hyung.” Jongin said. “You should get some more sleep.”

Kyungsoo’s reply was a mere pout, which sent Jongin to break into laughter. The older man shook his head, and--with a hint of transient ache in his eyes--smiled back.



Fin