We've had so many memories together...

He was the only person who made me happy...

Lu Han; the love of my life.

But do you know what is most heartbreaking? I was never able to tell him that, and now I'll never have the chance to.

-*-*-*-*-

The day he filed that lawsuit, October 10, was the worst day of my life. Knowing that I'm going to lose my love is so heartbreaking.

But; I'm happy for him. He told SM that he didn't want to be there anymore; that he didn't want to be treated the way he has been for the past two years.

My love; My Luhan, is now free from that so-called place Hell.

I wish I was that brave though. Just thinking that I could leave was a great thought. But what about the rest of the group? What about EXO-L?

And I'll probably never find Luhan again. He'll be gone and free once I'm gone.

-*-*-*-*-

October 14, the day he finally left. It has been three days since he filed the lawsuit. Those three days have been the most horrible days ever.

I wish he knew. I wish he knew how much he meant to me. The thought of never being able to tell him was terrifying.

Remembering the times we held hands, the times we cuddled together, the times I told him everything would be alright. It all hurt.

I wish those times were possible again.

-*-*-*-*-

It's December 27, 2014. Two days after Christmas, I couldn't take it any longer; two months without Luhan was devastating.

I was going to terminate my contract and look for Luhan myself. No matter how long I was out there, no matter what happens to me I would go through thick and thin to find him.

I left SM Entertainment and went on an adventure. I will find My Love; I will find Luhan.