It’s probably the same for all members of Bangtan, but Jeongguk certainly considers the one time they had gone to LA for two weeks to work on their albums and film a reality show at the same time as the worst and the best experience as an idol ever. The worst because they were completely exhausted and drained out of their energy and wit; was expected to give the maximum effort at minimum rest that Jeongguk remembers feeling like calling it quit then, even if it screams childish because he was just too tired. The best – because everything after that seems relatively easy even when they are more overworked than ever. It is a precious memory, nevertheless, for whichever reason.

But then, Jeongguk considers being in Bangtan is the best thing that’s ever happened to him – and it’s probably the same for all members of Bangtan as well.

Going solo is less hassle, but less fun too; Jeongguk concludes as he watches his back up dancers leaving the room one by one, exchanging goodbyes along the way. He rummages his bag for his phone and sits down on the floor, mirror reflecting his leaning back. His thumb scrolls expertly on the screen, going through the notifications one by one.

There are five notifications on his Kakao Talk from the Bangtan group chat – the same group chat they have created years and years ago that seem like a lifetime now – and he reads them with a fond smile he would not spare anything else.

Namjoon is inviting them to DNH showcase this weekend, and Hoseok is first to reply with a thrilled OK. Yoongi replied after 15 minutes with an OK as well, followed by Jimin with an emoticon of excited puppy. The latest to reply is Taehyung, with a selca of a pout and ‘filming that day – sorry!!!!!”; the ‘sorry’ written in English for no reason at all.

Jeongguk’s smile lingers a little longer before he saves the photo, for no reason at all.

‘hyung treat me food’

‘hyung i’m going to namjoon-hyung’s showcase’

‘go as well’

‘just skip the filming’

‘hyung hyung hyung’

‘shut up brat’

Jeongguk chuckles as his spam on Taehyung’s Kakao Talk is cut stop with a reply. He is way past his early 20s now but it is so easy to be a kid again around Taehyung; though being around Taehyung now means occasional messages on Kakao Talk and rare phone calls instead of huddling in a blanket watching a movie together on Taehyung’s upper bunk bed.

‘what are you doing’

‘just got home how about you’

‘just finished practising’

‘let’s go to namjoon hyung’s showcase’

‘your role is not important anyway’

‘hyung let’s’

‘does that mean you watched my drama?’

‘aww our jeonggukie’

‘thank you <3 <3 <3’

‘-.-‘

‘that’s not the point’

‘hyung hyung’

‘i really can’t jeonggukie’

‘go anyway jimin is going he will be happy to see you’

‘we see each other all the time at music shows’

‘last time i told him that i knew his songs were written by Yoongi hyung’

‘he looked so surprised like it is even a proper secret’

‘it is so obvious even our ARMY could tell’

‘i don’t get them’

‘i told you to leave them be kookie-ah’

‘they must got their reasons’

‘you meddlesome kid’

‘am not a kid’

‘everyone knows anyway’

‘they are weird’

‘they are always weird’

‘they know what they are doing for sure’

‘nah i don’t think so’

‘they don’t know what they are doing’

‘they are being stupid really’

‘if there’s nothing going on, why bother hide the fact that Yoongi hyung write him all the songs’

‘Jimin hyung said that Yoongi hyung doesn’t want me to feel like it’s unfair’

‘as if i would’

‘you might, you know’

‘you like Yoongi hyung’s songs’

‘yeah i like them’

‘and if he wants to make me songs i’d be happy to sing them’

‘but he always likes jimin more anyway’

‘and even back then he made songs with jimin in his mind’

‘does he really think we didn’t notice’

‘leave them alone kookie-ah’

‘if they want to tell us they will’

‘are you that bored’

‘or are you that lonely’

‘aww you must miss us kekeke our maknae is so cute’

‘hyung -.-‘

‘i just don’t like it they hide things from us’

‘do they think we will judge’

‘all of us know how they are both into each other’

‘i mean’

‘if they are brave enough to go through that they have to be brave enough to acknowledge it’

‘kookie-ah’

‘let’s not think about it anymore okay’

‘take a rest now’

‘I have filming again tomorrow so i’ll go sleep now’

‘don’t forget to watch me okay’

‘good night kookie-ah’

‘<3’

‘i hate you’

Jeongguk waits till the 1 on his message disappears before putting his phone down and closes his eyes.

Taehyung has not changed at all. Still the same Taehyung who bewildered him during trainees’ days, the same Taehyung who bewildered everyone as the 4D member V – still the same Taehyung who stole his heart but returned it on a silver platter.

No, he reminds himself, it was not entirely Taehyung’s fault. Jeongguk was scared as well; he was very young then, and the thought of pursuing a forbidden love was as scary as losing everything he had worked hard for. Maybe he was just not in love enough, or maybe he was just not courageous enough – he has not found out which one was it even now – but the fact that he backed out still stands.

It’s funny, though, how Taehyung is now rumoured to be dating each and every actress he is acting with but denies all of them every time and Jeongguk is considering the trainee with an obvious crush on him who makes him happy with her undivided attention – but every now and then Jeongguk still falls in thought on what if things have gone differently for both of them; what if Jeongguk has been braver and pushed himself a little bit.

It is impossible for Jeongguk and Taehyung now, so he wishes Jimin and Yoongi could make it instead and he wishes with all his heart they would make it.