Sehun had always been like this. Stupid, he told himself, stupid, stupid Sehun. He got attached to people too easily, and then stuff like this happened. Heartache after heartache, relationship after relationship. He should just stay alone forever.

 

Oh Sehun was unlucky in love. But he was also unlucky in life, and in general. When he was just 4 years old, he was involved in a car accident, and both of his parents were killed instantly. Somehow, he had survived, and this would be viewed by some as lucky, but in reality, it was worse than him dying. The accident orphaned him, and he was an only child, so he hadn’t got any brothers or sisters to look after him. The system tried to find him foster parents, or adoptive parents, but he was too old, and not pretty like the other children.

 

There was also the small matter that Oh Sehun was mute.

 

It was not that he wasn’t intellectual. In fact, at his high school, he graduated top of the class. He was highly talented in his school studies, and also found other ways to express himself. The main way was through dancing. And that was how he met Kai.

 

Kai, real name Kim Jongin, was on legs. He was drop dead gorgeous, and he had men and women falling at his feet. None of them were ever successful in charming him, and despite the attempts of hundreds of thousands of people, Kai never had a relationship. He never really had any friendships either, as usually, people were just trying to get close to him in order to get into his pants.

 

The two met whilst dancing. Sehun usually danced with his head down, as to avoid unnecessary human contact, but this particular dance was important, as it was the grand finale of their showcase, which would be seen by representatives of their prospective universities, and also, talent scouts for entertainment companies were known to have visited. Just last year, Kim Jongin’s only friend, Lee Taemin, had been scouted in the end of year showcase by a representative of SM Entertainment. Sehun wished he could be an idol, but that meant he would have to speak, which was something that he didn’t plan on doing any time soon.

 

Their eyes met while they danced, and Sehun felt his stomach lurch. He must have been coming down with some illness. They didn’t break eye contact throughout the whole dance, both of them so familiar with the room, and strangely, with each other, that they had no need to look anywhere else.

 

All too soon, the dance ended, and they broke eye contact to look at their teacher, Mr Kim. As usual, the forever-useless Mr Kim Minseok had been looking at how someone else moved. Everyone in the whole school knew that Minseok was hopelessly in love with Sehun’s fellow student Luhan, except Luhan of course. As a result of this, their teacher never gave them feedback, or even spoke to them, except to brief them on the end of year showcase.

 

Sighing in unison, both Sehun and Kai went to get their bags and leave. Sehun got changed, trying to go over in his head whether or not he wanted to change any steps for the showcase, but somehow, his thoughts circled back to his partner. The more he tried to block out the thoughts, the more he thought about him.

 

At that moment, Kai walked into the changing rooms, wearing just a towel, which hung loosely around his hips. He nodded at Sehun, and Sehun nodded back, smiling slightly. Kai smirked, and went off to get changed.

 

Walking to lunch, the thought of Kim Jongin’s abs imprinted into his memory, he tried to decipher why he was feeling this way. Maybe the lack of human interaction had finally gotten to him, and he would have to start communicating with someone, else go insane.

 

Option two was that he found Kai attractive. But that was far less likely. After all, Sehun didn’t even talk to humans, so how could he possibly find them attractive. No, he decided, the only person he needed, or wanted to hold, was Pinku Pinku, his pink teddy bear. That is all he ever needed, and therefore, it is all he will ever need.

 

Except that that wasn’t quite the whole truth. Sehun was sat in his usual seat in the corner of the canteen, a whole table to himself, eating chicken, when Kai came and sat down next to him, also tucking into a mountain of chicken. When Sehun stared incredulously at the size of Mount Chicken, he gasped, and Kai smirked again.

 

“I like chicken, what can I say.”

 

Sehun just nodded in response. Kai seemed disheartened by that, and continued talking. “I’m not like everyone thinks I am, you know.” The smirk had entirely vanished, and a small smile had taken its place.

 

“I’m not some ‘ god’, nowhere near. I’m actually just lonely. Everyone just wants to use me for their own popularity, so I don’t really have any friends. I saw you sitting here, and you looked lonely too, so..here I am. Trying to make friends.”

 

“I’ll formally introduce myself to you too, so we can start again, without prejudice or foreknowledge. Hi, I’m Kim Jongin, but you can call me Kai.”

 

Sehun scrambled around for some paper, so that he could respond. He usually kept a notepad and a pen handy just in case, but he wasn’t expecting anyone to come and join him during lunch, so he was unprepared.

 

“Ah..I figured you might not have any, so I brought you some. About the no foreknowledge thing..I just happened to notice that this was how you liked to communicate, so..here. For you.” Kai passed him a leather bound notebook. He opened it, and felt the pages. It was good quality paper.

 

Sehun wrote out a nice note, in his very best handwriting.

 

‘Hello Kai, I am Oh Sehun, and I would like to thank you very much for the offer of friendship, and the expensive notebook, but I have to decline. I’m sorry.”

 

“Why?” Kai seemed disappointed, but not shocked. That made Sehun feel even worse. It was like the mighty Kim Jongin was so used to being rejected himself, that he wasn’t even shocked by it now. Just sad that he had raised his hopes for nothing.

 

“Well..I don’t speak. I hurt people. I would be a terrible friend.” Sehun wrote out, after a long pause, deliberating the right way to phrase it that still showed his true feelings.

 

“I don’t mind.” Again, the sad expression. Used to disappointment, used to pain.

 

“I mind, you deserve a good friend.” After writing this, Sehun put the lid back onto his pen, as if to say, ‘we’re done discussing this now, goodbye’. Kai, however, silently continued eating, and then wished him goodbye when he was finished.

 

The next day, Kai ate his lunch with Sehun again. But this time, he sat down and said hello, ate, and left again, with no strange offers of friendship or expensive gifts.

 

The day after, Kai came to sit with Sehun, but had no food. Sehun had asked him why he wasn’t eating, as he needed to make sure that his partner for the dance showcase was healthy and had enough energy to perform. Kai admitted that someone had stolen his money, so Sehun bought him lunch, and explained that it was a repayment of the debt which the notebook had caused.

 

Every day for a week, Kai ate lunch with Sehun, and Sehun would ask him questions. He kept a log of Kai’s answers in the expensive notebook Kai had bought him, and kept that hidden under his pillow in his room.

 

“Why aren’t you eating? ‘My money was stolen’. I bought him food.”

 

“Why don’t you like being called Jongin? ‘Because only those who know the real me should be allowed to call me by my real name’. Makes sense, but I prefer Jongin. I told him and he laughed.”

 

“Why are you so lonely? ‘I told you, everyone wants to use me for and popularity.’ But that doesn’t make you lonely, an absence of company can be felt even around company sometimes. What makes you lonely? He had no answer, but he laughed sadly.”

 

It continued like this all week, until Kai asked Sehun the question which Sehun wanted more than anything for him not to ask.

 

“Sehun, I’m really sorry for asking, but I wondered..why don’t you talk?”

 

Sehun got up and walked away, leaving behind a newly depressed Kai.

 

But Sehun hadn’t walked away so that he couldn’t answer. He wanted to explain it as fully as possible. He wanted to write Kai a long, long letter, and explain everything to him in infinite detail.

 

He wanted to be Kai’s friend.

 

So he went home, and crafted the perfect letter, explaining everything.

 

But the next day, Kai didn’t turn up for lunch. He wasn’t in dance practice, and Sehun was worried. He asked the school where Kai lived, and explained that he was worried about him, but they thought he was just another of Kai’s stalkers.

 

Kai’s stalkers, however, provided the address to Sehun happily.

 

When he knocked on the door, he realised that he didn’t have any paper with him to explain to any family member that might answer the door. Panicking, his breaths coming raggedly and far too quickly, he turned and went to leave.

 

“Sehun?” Kai called out weakly.

 

Sehun spun around, and saw Kai, his skin 10 shades paler than his normal bronzed colour. He rushed over to the sickly boy, and hugged him.

 

“No don’t come near me, you’ll get sick!” Kai exclaimed, but when Sehun just hugged him tighter, he giggled, and hugged him back.

 

“Were you worried?” Sehun nodded in response, and Kai rested his head on Sehun’s. “I was worried too, I thought you would think that we weren’t friends anymore, and that you’d leave me.” Sehun shook his head fiercely, and Kai understood.

 

“Yeah, I know. I’ll never leave you either.”

 

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Since that day, the pair were inseparable. They were dance partners, chicken buddies, lunchtime pals, BFFs.. the list of things they had in common grew daily.

 

One day, they discovered that they were both huge, huge fans of SM Entertainment’s biggest boy group, Super Junior. They agreed that it was silly to have a band with so many members, but they loved their songs, and together, could do all of the dances. After they had finished eating that lunchtime, they went to a rehearsal room, and taught each other dances all afternoon.

 

By the time they emerged from the practice room, it was dark. Sehun clung to Kai’s arm; ever since he was young, he hated the dark. Kai offered to give him a lift home, because the older could drive, and Sehun tentatively accepted his kind offer.

 

Cars weren’t so bad. They were comfortable, and warm, and light, and they saved Sehun walking 3 miles in the dark on his own. Anything could happen to him. Instead, he was in a car, with his best friend, singing along to his favourite song, Super Junior’s latest title track, Mamacita.

 

Kai sang along, his voice as beautiful and smooth as his dancing. “AY MAMACITA NAEGA AYAYAYAYA”

 

------------------------------------

 

Sehun woke up. That smell. Disinfectant. Sick. Blood. Hospital.

 

 

And then pain.

 

------------------------------------

 

Where was Kai? What happened?

 

The doctors said that we were driving along, presumably driving me home, and a car sped out of nowhere into the side of us. Just like with my parents.

 

They won’t let me see him. They say he is very sick, and I am too. But I am ‘lucky’ to have survived.

 

I’ve heard that before.

 

------------------------------------

 

They are letting me see Kai today! They say that he is stable, so it is safe to go and visit him on his ward. It worries me that he is still in Intensive Care, and that I will be free to go home in a few days. ‘Lucky’, I guess.

 

Kai is not lucky. He is hooked up to machines that I know only too well. That one helps him breathe. That one monitors his heart. That one is keeping him alive. Kim Jongin is in a coma, his beautiful, tanned body is lying lifeless in front of me, and it is my fault. Again.

 

I take the crumpled letter out of my pocket, remembering that I had never had the chance to explain it to him, why I didn’t speak.

 

Not that he could read it now.

 

Maybe he could still know. Maybe I could still have the chance to tell my best friend my biggest problem.

 

Here goes..

 

------------------------------------

 

Dear Kim Jongin,

 

I call you Kim Jongin, because it is a beautiful name, a gorgeous name, which belongs to a beautiful and gorgeous person. Jongin, you asked me why I don’t speak, and this is why.

 

As a child, I never stopped speaking. My parents were always telling me to shut up, but I never listened. I was a sassy, rebellious child, even though I was only 4.

 

We were on the way back from the babysitter’s that they had left me at for 3 days while they went on a mini break in Paris, and it was dark. I was really upset that they left me, because I wanted to go with them and have fun too, not be stuck with a babysitter who ate all the food and left me alone for hours and hours. I was going on and on and on, and I wouldn’t shut up. Why didn’t I shut up?

 

I was yelling, and my father yelled at me to just shut up. That’s the last thing I remember before I woke up in a hospital, and some people in white coats were telling me the bad news.

 

But the good thing is, I was alive. I was ‘lucky’ to be alive.

 

I never really felt lucky to be alive until I met you, Kim Jongin. I met you, and you made me realise that life is, in fact, beautiful, and very much worth living.

 

Thank you for making me feel lucky, and thank you for being my friend.

 

Yours forever, Oh Sehun

 

------------------------------------

 

 

“Did you hear that, Jongin? I’m speaking, because of you, I’m speaking for the first time since I was 4 years old. All those years, I never spoke a word, and now look, I won’t shut up. Now it’s your turn to be lucky, Jongin. Now it’s your turn to do the thing you thought you couldn’t do.”

“It’s time to wake up, Kim Jongin.”

 

------------------------------------

 

Kim Jongin died 14 hours and 52 minutes later. He was not alone when he died. Oh Sehun held his hand, and a part of his heart died along with him.

 

But he never forgot Kim Jongin, and he never forgot what he did for him.

He gave him back his life, and made him feel truly lucky to be alive.

 

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a/n: hello everyone! thank you so, so much for reading, it means a lot to me! I love hearing from you guys, so leave me a comment, and senpai will notice you and reply!

sorry that this is so, so feelsy, but I was in a really feelsy mood, and then this happened, so.. sorry guys ^^' I'll write more and happy things to make up for it, okay?

thanks again for reading! ^_^