Part V

Now that Jongdae belongs to the same social circle as her, he gets used to seeing Haneul at random places. They see each other for three hours a week in Probability Theory and keep running into each other at the SAC. Jongdae has no idea what Haneul does there while he records backup for songs that Luhan and Yixing compose. But he supposes that he shouldn’t think too much into it. It is Haneul after all.

He wonders if she has a nice movie left to watch. Not having seen many movies from her collection initially and hence leaving Haneul scandalized,  Jongdae had been roped into movie marathon fortnights. Every second Saturday for the past two months had been a movie marathon with a predefined theme. The first time it was action, the second sci fi, third was romance due to immense majority in the leftover films and end of mid semester exams and finally the last one had been mystery. Haneul had good taste in movies. Her taste matched his and hence they were able to enjoy it better.

What he doesn’t expect is to find Haneul on the beach in the state she is in. Jongdae ends up on the beach with Yixing and Luhan but opts out of the party when his stomach rumbles, claws of hunger gripping his stomach tightly. He decides to go to The Shack to get something to eat while Yixing and Luhan continue splashing in the water. He takes the shortcut which goes around the back before ending up at the stone pathway leading to the front door when he finds Haneul leaning against the wall. There is a small garden enclosed at one end of The Shack for the owner’s use and Jongdae’s shortcut runs through it. Jongdae hopes he doesn’t run into anyone so that awkward encounters can be avoided. So when he runs into Haneul, it is surprising.

She doesn’t notice him at first, absorbed in the small blue hardcover book she is reading. Then she looks up and realises Jongdae is there too and hastily wipes the tears away from her eyes. “Jongdae! What are you doing here?” she asks him. “I was going to get something to eat” he tells her. The entire situation is awkward because Jongdae doesn’t know if he should acknowledge her emotional state or not. Haneul is open to talking about her emotions when she wants to be, but definitely not all the time.

“Let’s go find something to eat then” she says cheerfully. The immediate switch in her mood throws him off balance but he gains his bearings quickly. She takes his hands and leads him through the back door. They appear in the kitchen where the cooks are working. No one pays any mind to her as she pulls out random salad toppings and dressings and proceeds to make a sandwich. “If you tell anyone about me crying, I will poison your sandwich” she says firmly. “My lips are sealed if and only if you tell me the cause” he bargains. Haneul stops to give him a look before picking up the extra hot chilli sauce that Jongdae hates and holds it over the bread threateningly. “I won’t eat it if I know you messed with it you know” he reminds her. “Oh go away Kim Jongdae” Haneul groans before finishing the sandwich and handing it over to him anyways.

“Did something happen?” Jongdae asks, ignoring her indignant protests. “It’s a very silly thing” she confesses, running her hands through her hair. “What is it?” he prompts, knowing Haneul won’t go first unless egged on. “There was this book of poems I was reading” she starts. “And you came across one so beautiful you cried at perfection?” Jongdae asks amused. “No... and yes, in a way” she starts. “What did you find?” he asks curiously, biting into his sandwich. “A particularly powerful thought. That you are a sum of all the people you have ever loved. But I haven’t loved anyone ever”

She hesitates. Maybe this entire discussion is silly. But Jongdae is already thinking. “What about that guy who in high school?” he asks her. “You remember that? Well, it was infatuation. Love... love was still a long way to go” she replies thoughtfully. “What made you cry then?” he frowns. “The realization that I will be lonely for life. It’s scarier than what I believed it would be” she admits.

Jongdae stops. He looks at Haneul. She is sitting still but her thoughts are moving and he can see it in her eyes. He knows that feeling of loneliness. It’s hard to see someone like Haneul experience it. She is always surrounded by friends, people who enjoy her company. She has Baekhyun and Sehun and Kai and Luhan and Yixing and Qian and Soojung and everyone else he can name off the top of his head. She’ll never be alone.

Haneul shies away from his stare, feeling incredibly dumb for having ever said anything. She looks away, trying to find anything to steer this conversation away from this topic. She never should have said anything. She prays that lightning strikes her and she burns to ashes on the spot, or the aliens from outer space come and erase her memory. He stares at her and Haneul feels vulnerable in a way that she never has before. She gets up to leave but Jongdae stops her by taking her hand.

“You don’t have to be alone” he starts. Haneul opens to say something but closes it. “I can’t say anything about the future, but you don’t have to be alone now. You have everyone with you. You have me” he finishes in a gentle voice. His grip tightens and Haneul stares at it. Just like Jongin used to. Jongdae knows this routine because he has comforted Jongin many times during the period up to his debut. He knows how insecurities affect a person. He sees Jongin in Haneul and he knows what she needs now is someone to comfort her, despite how strong she is on the outside.

“You are a nice person Jongdae. I hope you know that” she says. She ends up sitting on his lap and hugging him. Her hair tickles him and he brushes it away from himself. He pats her back as she hugs him, oblivious to the silent stares of the staff. Minseok comes in when he hugs her back and places a gentle kiss on her forehead and tactfully maintains some distance. It feels too intimate a moment to be disturbed from the outside.

“Can’t we move on?” Haneul whines. After the emotional moment earlier this afternoon, Jongdae decides to stay with Haneul for the rest of the day. Except Haneul does not wish to be anywhere near Jongdae after that incident. She has never opened up to anyone like that and for the life of her cannot understand what made her do it now.

“Hush you, look for flavours of ice cream that you like” he tells her. “I don’t want these. I want multiple flavours like those beans in Harry Potter” Haneul lies. “Good. Then get vanilla ice cream and throw in ketchup and marshmallows and crackers and enjoy the mix at home” Jongdae goes along. He knows her moods. He tosses a small pack of vanilla ice cream tubs and chocolate syrup at her and she barely manages to catch, shrieking and attracting everyone’s attention. After picking up two packets of microwaveable mac n cheese, Jongdae leaves the supermarket and Haneul trails along like a kicked puppy with its tails between its leg. She’s given up on arguing with him but her frowning doesn’t stop.

“Do you want to rent a movie?” he asks as they pass by a CD renting shop. “I don’t feel like watching a movie” she says. “Then we’ll just watch funny cat videos on youtube” he says. “I don’t like cats!” Haneul reminds him. “Then watching them embarrass themselves will be funnier” he says firmly. Haneul raises an eyebrow. “You just want to watch cats. You have a cat don’t you?” she asks him with her hands folded. “What?” Jongdae laughs at the incredulous conclusion. “I knew it! You are like catman yourself. All those feline features that you have. Everything makes sense” she said, nodding to herself.

“Feline features?” Jongdae grins, anticipating this answer. “Yes. Your eyes and gait are both cat like. You are telling me you haven’t noticed?” Haneul asks. Jongdae raises an eyebrow. “On top of it, I always see you sleeping in math. What am I supposed to assume?” she asks him. “That the prof is dull and drab” Jongdae says, doing a fake French accent from the pink panther movie. “Or you are a cat turned human” she adds purposefully. “Or I am tired in math” Jongdae counters. “Or you are still a cat at heart” she says.

“It’s a pity. They say the cat was supposed to be the thirteenth animal to come. But it missed the meeting cause it slept in and never got a zodiac year. If it had a year, you’d be born in the year of the cat” she concludes, not even looking at Jongdae anymore.  “I don’t act like a cat” he reminds her. “Pfft. Only you think that” she says. “And do you have proof. Have you been checking me out?” Jongdae asks. “Oh I totally have. You have a cute and if I were to put cat ears on you, it’d be natural because they belong there” she replies.

“So you think I have a cute ” he grins again. “Oh sure, that’s what the man hears” she rolls her eyes. They pass a liquor store and stop a few steps away. They share a look. “It’s a Sunday tomorrow” Haneul starts. “We have time to be hungover” Jongdae agrees. “I don’t have my fake ID” Haneul remembers with a frown. “I have mine. Wait here” he says. Jongdae is in and out in a flash. The salesperson remembers him as Baekhyun’s friend and has long had a crush on Baekhyun. Jongdae is not above using that to his advantage. The bottles of soju are concealed between the ice cream which has begun to melt and the cold mac n cheese which have frozen solid courtesy the ice cream.

Their pace quickens up to Haneul’s apartment. They fail at being discrete because somewhere on the road to Haneul’s flat, she turns giggly and that makes Jongdae laugh. He knows Haneul has done this before but she has the vigour of a first timer. Jongdae hasn’t felt like this since high school when he was made to steal beer for his seniors during their MT trip. The entire thing feels like a very silly affair thanks to Haneul’s giggling.

“The are you two upto?” Sehun asks, as he steps out of the elevator they were waiting for. “Nothing” Jongdae says with a straight face. Haneul bursts out laughing at that and Sehun doesn’t understand. He decides he doesn’t want to understand it and steps out of their way. Haneul leans against him, trying to control her laughter till they are inside her apartment. She barely succeeds, proceeding to laugh into a pillow while Jongdae puts the ice cream away.

Once she regains her composure, Haneul joins him. She brings along two coffee mugs, having no soju shot glasses. Jongdae has her laptop set up since he knows her wifi password. The cat videos begin and Haneul loses whatever little control she had. Jongdae takes care to give her very little soju at the starting, because he is wary of how Haneul will take it now. But half way through, he starts getting drunk himself and loses count of how much who drank. The three bottles of soju are finished over four hours and the cat videos have turned into karaoke videos of songs like single ladies and bubble pop with the two of them breaking their legs to it along with the coffee table at one point.

“Okay! No more! No more!” Haneul says weakly as she flops onto the couch. “One more!” Jongdae insists. But he puts no more effort into it as he sprawls across her lap. She plays with his hair, making it stick out at different angles. “My leg is going numb” she says at one point, making Jongdae move. “But I wanna lie down!” he protests. “I wanna lie down too!” she protests in the same town. “I’m going to sleep on the couch” he shouts. “I’m gonna sleep on the couch too!” she adds on. The two of them get into a fight of sorts with tugging and pulling and pushing till they compromise and end up sleeping on the couch. Jongdae’s back is against the couch and he holds Haneul in his arms, to prevent her from falling down.

“You are like a cat” Haneul says, breaking the silence. “Noooooooo” Jongdae whines. “No seeeee” she points out. “Your ears” she traces his ear lobe. “Your eyes” she looks right into them. “The way you are sleeping now” she runs her fingers on his chest. “and your lips” she kisses the upturned corners of his lips. Jongdae stares at her as she does the above. His grip on her tightens, bringing them even closer if it was possible. Haneul just stares at his lips and sighs, unaware of the changing expressions on his face.

It’s expected and unexpected at the same time when Jongdae’s hand goes up and brings her head closer to his so he can kiss her properly. Haneul holds onto his shirt, bunching up fabric in her fist. The fear of falling adds a new rush to the feeling of kissing Jongdae. They awkwardly make out for what seems like a very long moment and pull apart for air. Haneul closes her eyes and snuggles into him before he can move in and kiss her again.

She has fallen asleep. Jongdae doesn’t know what kind of signal this is. His making out is not that bad! Nevertheless, he kisses her on the forehead and holds her closer. “Don’t worry Jongin. Everything will be okay” he says with a small smile before drifting off himself.

-x-