Kim Jongdae was a happy person. At least that was what everybody said. And perhaps it was true. He was always smiling, always looking happy and was the centre of every party. He had lots of friends who cared about him, and he was the person to call whenever you needed something. Kim Jongdae was always there.

Kim Jongdae always felt lonely. He was far from the amazing person everyone thought him to be. He could pretend to be happy, and he could pretend to be creative, but he wasn’t. Pretending was easy, really being those things everyone said he was? Now that was a lot harder. 

Kim Jongdae was said to have a fantastic family. His parents were doctors, his older brother a psychiatrist and Jongdae himself was the straight A type of student. Every teacher’s favorite, logical and smart. Incredibly smart. He would soon study medicine just like his parents did, it was his dream to become a doctor. Always had been.

At least that’s what everybody said. 

Kim Jongdae’s family was far from as perfect as it seemed to be. His parents, working as doctors were never home, and they never had been. He couldn’t even remember anymore when he and his brother had not been alone for Christmas, because his parents were working. They were always working. Working so that they wouldn’t have to be together. People said Jongdae’s parents were happily married. That was a lie. Kim Jongdae’s parents were always fighting. If they were in the same room for more than an hour, there would be angry voices and fine china’s breaking. 

His brother was also not as perfect as he seemed. Jongdae had always been thinking that his brother was to gentle, to easy to break to become a psychiatrist, and he had been right. His brother  could help others well, but he himself also needed help. He couldn’t shut of what other people told him, and he drowned himself in alcohol and pills to forget. To as he put it, have fun for a while. 

Kim Jongdae had always known his brother was weak. But it still hurt him to see. It hurt to see how addicted he had become to those ”happy” pills, and how he refused to believe it when Jongdae had told him. How he had told Jongdae to of, as the looser he was. 

And Jongdae did.

Kim Jongdae’s parents dream was for Jongdae to become  doctor, for Jongdae it wasn’t. He did care about people, but he did not want to fix up their visible wounds, and then leave them, still broken. He did not want to talk to them about their problems. He did not want to be like his brother. Never ever.

Kim Jongdae’s biggest and most secret dream was to become a singer. He had been told he had a lovely voice, and he loved to sing. When he sang, in korean or English or even Chinese, he felt happy. The normally empty boy felt filled up with peace and joy. He loved to see people’s happy faces whenever he sang. He just wanted them to be happy. He just wanted himself to be happy. And over all he wanted that special boy to be happy. 

He had voiced his wishes to his parents once, and had gotten a slap on his cheek as response and lots of hard words about being stupid and throwing away a bright future as a doctor. And they told Jongdae to never speak of it again. 

He never did.

When people said Jongdae had lots of friends that loved him, the were partly right. Kim Jongdae had lots of friends, who loved his money. They liked when he was the goofy guy. They did not love the Jongdae he really was, as he quickly had realized. So he stopped being himself, and became the Jongdae everyone loved.

The Jongdae everyone loved except Minseok.

In all Jongdae’s 17 years of living he had never tasted love. It wasn’t until his 18:th year of life that he knew for the first time what love felt like. And surprisingly he had found his love in a boy. If it had been in America or Sweden, it probably would have been okay. There being homoual is accepted pretty grandly. But in Korea, unfortunately, it was not very accepted at all. Lots of Jongdae’s ”friends” were homophobic and would never ever accepted the fact that Jongdae was gay. So he kept his mouth shut. But it was hard.

To Jongdae, Kim Minseok was perfect. He was honest and kind, and he had a few really good friends. He was not afraid to speak up about what he really was thinking, and everyone knew he was an orphan. And he let people know he sometimes had a hard time about it. That was something that Jongdae always had felt was admirable and that was the thing that first made him fall in love. That and his laugh. And his smiles. And his beautiful chubby cheeks. 

To Jongdae, everything about Minseok was perfect. Even his imperfections. They just made him even more beautful. But Jongdae’s imperfections was just imperfections. To Jongdae they would always be flaws. They would never be beautiful.

Kim Jongdae didn’t say anything about being gay to anyone, not even his biggest crush, who by accident became his best friend. Jongdae and Minseok had been pared up when their class had done an exercise in the woods, and Jongdae had fell, resulting in Minseok carrying him all the way back, and the two of them getting pretty close because of the incident. And the more time the two spend together, the closer they became. 

There was just one problem. Kim Minseok was not gay, Jongdae had thought, and would never accept his love. And because of this, he still never said anything about being in love with his best friend. He kept his mouth shut, and watched quietly when Minseok tried dating girls, but fortunately he never had to watch him get a proper girlfriend. But he kept telling himself again and again that it would be okay if Minseok got a girlfriend. If Minseok was happy he would be happy. 

Then came the final blow. The day Minseok told him that he had realized he was gay, and that he had started seeing a guy. A guy who’s name was Luhan. And that was the day Kim Jongdae’s heart broke for real. He had to watch his best friend, whom he was in love with, date Luhan, and he had to comfort him when they broke up, telling him that Luhan was stupid for choosing that Sehun guy, and that there were lots of other fishes in the sea. But no matter if he really wanted to tell Minseok at that moment that he loved him, he never did. He couldn’t.

Today Kim Minseok knows that Kim Jongdae loved him. How? Well, I am Kim Minseok, so I should know. 

I remember all those times with Jongdae, and now I can say that I probably should have known that he loved me just as much as I loved him. But we were just too stupid to realize. At least I was. Jongdae knew much sooner than me that I loved him back, but he never said anything. He couldn’t. Not because of his parents, or his brother, or his friends. He told me a while after we had gotten friends, at the same time as I told him, that he liked boys as well. But when I asked him if he liked anyone, he said no. And when Jongdae wanted to be, he was an amazing liar. I never knew or suspected that he loved me. And I deeply regret it.

The day I found out that Jongdae loved me was one of the best but also one of the worst days of my life. I had a great day that day. I met up with some old friends and I finally forgave Lihan for cheating on me. It was also the day when I decided to tell Jongdae that I was in love with him.

But Jongdae was nowhere to be found. Believe me when I say, I looked everywhere. Even at his brother’s house, where I know he would never had gone to. And after I had called him about a million times, my phone died from battery loss. I had to go home ad charge it. When the phone finally started again I had gotten a voice message from Jongdae. A message where he told me everything I needed to know. He told me that he loved me. He told me the reason we couldn’t be together and he told me all his worries and all his happiness, in a short minute. I don’t know how many times I have listened to that message. Probably as many times as I have listened to the mixed tape he gave me after telling me his secret dream was to become a singer. And that is why I am writing this letter to you. Lee Soo- man, You are the creater of SM entertainment and your groups always get the most attention. That is the reason I decided to send a copy of Jongdae’s songs to you. 

If there is anyone who would have been a great artist, it would have been him. Jongdae, when he was sining, was the best Jongdae I knew. I always told him I did not like when he changed so much when he hung out with his other friends, and he always told me sorry, but he never changed and I knew he never would. Even with me he couldn’t be truthful with everything. 

The only time when Jongdae was just Jongdae, nothing more and nothing less, was when he sang. That was the time when Jongdae was the most happy, when he was the most alive. I feel sad that you never will be able to watch him when he sings. It is magical almost. Everything just stopped, went quiet, even the birds were listening. You felt all the emotions, all the power put in the performance, and you always walked away with a smile on your face after listening. Every time. 

Jongdae’s songs were rarely sad, the only sad ones I have heard is the ones on the mixed tape. When I heard them before, I could feel the pain in the songs, and now they even make me cry. But I still feel happy afterwards, because it was Jongdae I heard. It's the only thing I have left of him.

I think I should have seen the signs, but I never did. Not even his parents did. Sometimes I believe that Jongdae’s brother did, though, and that is why he became what he became. Sadly to say, I think he never will be okay. He is to broken. 

You are probably wondering right now, what exactly Jongdae said to me in that last phone call. Unfortunately, that is something you will never know. I have told you more about me and the boy I loved than I have to my own parents, but that phone call is mine, and mine only. I will never show anyone that.

Please listen to the tape I sent you. And afterwards, if you want, please release his CD. I know he would have loved that. I don’t care if no one buys it, because I will. And I somehow know that his friends will as well. Even if they never knew the real Jongdae, they knew a part of him, and at least some of them loved that part. Not just the money. 

If you do not decide to release Jongdae’s songs, that is your loss. I will always have my copy. I just think more people should appreciate his voice. Because it was truly amazing.

Kim Jongdae loved to sing. And I loved Kim Jongdae. This is my last goodbye for him, it’s a thank you for the person he was. And no matter what, I will listen to his songs, even when I grow old and have kids and love someone else. 

It might sound weid that I say that I will move on, but I know that Jongdae would be mad if I didn’t. It will hurt for a while, but it wont hurt forever. Promise me, Minseok, he said. And I promised. 

I will never forget him, and I hope you won't either. I know you won't. Even if you decide not to release his CD you will still remember his voice. That’s the power it posses'.

Kim Jongdae was the best when he sang. Please preserve his voice. Please let other people hear it. I loved him and his voice, and I know others will too.

With regards;

Kim Minseok.

When Minseok was done with his letter he sealed it and went to the post office, and then he sent it. After he prepared to go out to eat with his friends. They were having a movie night, to take his mind of things. 

Before he left his apartment he pulled out his phone and pushed some numbers. This, he promised himself, would be the last time. It was time to move on. 

”Hey Minseok. I am sorry i haven’t been answering you. I know you have been looking. 

Right now I am at a hospital far from you. I have just a few hours left and then I will take my life. I do not want to spend my last weeks in pain and suffering. I want to die with my pride still intact. 

I noticed a long time ago, before I met you, that something was wrong. Something in my body was not right. But I didn’t tell my parents about it and I went quietly to a hospital to get a check up. The results I got was shocking. 

I only had about a year left to live. 

It showed on the tests that I had gotten leukemia, and it was spreading quickly. At first I couldn’t believe it, but after a while I had to realize it was true. A treatment was not even an option. There was nothing to do. I just had to wait and watch my own life slip away.

At first it was unbearable, and I thought about taking my own life. I was not happy with my family and my friends, i had nothing and no one. I didn’t even have my own dream. But then I met you. That day when you carried me in the woods I knew you were special, but I had watched you longer than that. My girly little crush were you. Weird, huh? 

But I couldn’t tell you I loved you, not even after we became best friends. I couldn’t tell a person I loved him and then die a year later. No way. So I was content with just watching you. But I have to admit that my heart broke bit by bit with the whole Luhan- deal. I wanted to be him so much, and when he broke up with you I wanted to kiss your tears away. But I couldn’t. And that was unbearable too. 

But don’t worry hyung, i know you love me. That night when I was at a party and you stayed home because you were sick I came to your house to check up on you. When I got inside your room you were sleeping, but talking in your sleep. In the middle of this weird talking you said my name. You said that you loved me. That you always had, ever since you heard me sing. I didn’t know a heart could be fixed that quickly. That was the happiest day of my life. Someone I loved more than anything loved me back.

I am forever thankful for the love that you had for me and for the best friend you were. Without you I wouldn’t have been able to pull through. But now I can die happily, knowing that at least one person loved me. 

But you will live on. And promise me this Minseok, that you will still be happy. That you will find someone else to love. Be happy. You made me happy. If you don’t do this I will come back to haunt you. 

Seriously. Promise. 

I think I have said everything I wanted to say. It’s time for me to go now, I can feel it. 

Goodbye Minseok. Thank you for you love.

I love you.”

The message ended and Minseok looked down at his phone. The tears were running, but he was smiling nonetheless. He clicked a button on his phone.

Are you sure you want to delete this message?

Minseok took a deep breath. 

”I love you too, Kim Jongdae.

Yes.

Author’s note:

Sorry not sorry. Hope you liked it.

Don't thank me for the beautiful poster:)