How come whenever I do something, it's barely noticed? I mean, I do appreciate my wonderful fans. They are what keep me going. But seriously, there is like, a HUGE contrast in fans that I get compared to the others.

You know what.....I'm not even gonna START to talk about the others. Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if they treated me a little bit better. COME ON, I'm the oldest, but still they pull pranks on me EVERYDAY. And not the funny "aha I got you" ones either. It's the kind that will leave outside of your dorm or bloodied or bruised from when they beat the crap outta you. All I can is thank God for makeup.

At first, I thought that the pranks were their way of welcoming me to the group. But now I think:

Was I dumb?

Was I stupid?

Was I retarded

Did I get a concussion?

Did someone drug me?

And every time, after about an hour of looking for an excuse that would justify me dealing with them, I would finally come up with an answer. But the only thing it would justify is the reason I deserved those pranks.

I did it for the chance to be an idol.

But even though I have worked through the struggle of living with 5 demented people ( Zico doesn't live with us) and 2 managers that just don't give a damn, I have only ever gotten the remainder of whatever they chewed up and spit out for me.

That's changing today.