“How do I look?”

 

Jongin looks up from his phone to find Chanyeol staring at him, waiting for a response. He shrugs, not caring as he looks back to the screen of his phone. Chanyeol sighs, turning around to observe himself in the mirror again.

 

It was half past six in the morning, and Chanyeol called Jongin all the way to his house for opinions about his looks. It’s ridiculous because everyone wears the same uniform according to their respectful gender, but Chanyeol decides he wants to impress someone with his dashing looks. Jongin barely said a word to him regarding his new look. Chanyeol ditched the big specs he wore and went for contact lenses, and his usual mushroom cut was gelled to an updo. Jongin honestly thinks Chanyeol looks ridiculous, but he knows his friend doesn’t care.

 

Chanyeol has always been oblivious to many things. Whether it be to a conversation topic, to where they’re even headed while out, Chanyeol is a major grade A idiot when it comes to noticing someone else’s feelings. It hurts Jongin, honestly it does. Jongin’s been friends with Chanyeol since the start of middle school and the two have been inseparable.

 

Ever since the two entered high school, Chanyeol has been trying to notice some other guy’s attention. At first, Jongin was confused because it was a guy, but then he soon realized that he slowly started to fall for his best friend ever since the first time he felt jealousy rise up in his chest. It was when he introduced Chanyeol to his other friend.

 

His name is Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun. He’s a year above than they are, making him a junior. The boy is nothing extravagant in Jongin’s own opinion. Call it being self-centered or being a prick, he really dislikes Baekhyun, even if they know each other well enough.

 

Before, Baekhyun was Jongin’s pretty average friend. If Chanyeol wasn’t around or was busy with other things, Jongin would hang out with Baekhyun. The two met in one of their shared classes between upper and lower classmen, and they were told to choose a partner for an assignment. Jongin didn’t know many of the students in the class, so Baekhyun decided to introduce himself.

 

Jongin thinks Baekhyun as an option rather than a friend. Chanyeol is definitely a friend to Jongin, but it seems like he’s pulling the line each morning before school starts.

 

Even when Jongin doesn’t answer Chanyeol’s questions about Baekhyun, he doesn’t stop. He never does, and it annoys him to no end.

 

“Jongin,” says Chanyeol. He glances at his friend, not even moving his head. “Do you think he won’t mind the sudden change? Is it too much?”

 

Baekhyun was never a fan of change. He always wanted to stick to old traditional ways.

 

“No,” He waves his hand, “It’s fine. He won’t mind.” Jongin doesn’t ignore the feeling of guilt in his chest.

 

“Perfect!” Chanyeol beams, throwing away all of the wasted products he used on himself. He walks over to his bed, grabbing his bag that laid on top. Jongin stayed put at his friend’s chair, continuing to browse on his phone.

 

Chanyeol yanks the device from Jongin’s grasp, looking at the screen. It wasn’t like Chanyeol didn’t notice Jongin’s speedy fingers tapping over the touchscreen. Jongin hears Chanyeol laugh, and his heart flutters. It actually almost makes him sick.

 

“Really?” Chanyeol shows the screen at Jongin. It shows a page of a popular manga. “You’re reading comics this early?” Jongin grabs his phone quickly, shutting it off. He stands from the chair and grabs his bag, swinging over his shoulder.

 

“Are you ready to go or not? It’s nearly seven.” His friend stares at him with a dumb look on his face, but then again, he always has a dumb look.

 

Unfortunately it’s the dumb look Jongin fell for.

 

“Sure!” Chanyeol smiles with nearly all his teeth showing. “Can we…” He starts, “Can we pass by Baekhyun’s house and ask if he wants to walk with us?”

 

No.

 

“Alright.”

 

Chanyeol loves Jongin, but Chanyeol also loves Baekhyun. Chanyeol loves both Jongin and Baekhyun, but love is used in different contexts. Love is a strange word because it can have so many meanings behind it, despite it only being four letters. Chanyeol loves Jongin because he’s a great friend. The two get along well with each other ever since the first day they saw each other. Even when Chanyeol has been talking nonstop about his Baekhyun, Jongin still hasn’t shown any signs of annoyance at all (he thinks; he hasn’t noticed anything different).

 

Chanyeol loves Baekhyun almost in the same context as Jongin. Baekhyun is great to be around with, much like his close friend. Ever since Jongin introduced the two, he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. At times, Chanyeol catches himself staring at the older boy. Chanyeol was the first to talk to Jongin about Baekhyun regarding dating, of all things.

 

The two never discussed topics regarding their feelings because it didn’t seem to fit their relationship early on. Their friendship is one where you hang out and about with, play video games with, talk about anything but your personal feelings. Chanyeol’s main focus is getting Baekhyun to ask him out, and he’s not very good at handling his own feelings. Because of that, he isn’t the best at noticing anyone else’s.

 

Chanyeol isn’t sure why, but things feel different with Jongin, especially when the two are alone. Despite being friends for five years, things aren’t the same as they were in their first year of high school. Jongin seems to have grown quiet with not only Chanyeol, but Baekhyun as well. Baekhyun’s been friends with Jongin since freshman year or last year of middle school, Chanyeol isn’t sure.

 

But that’s of the past. Chanyeol’s more focused on getting Baekhyun’s attention, and of course Kim Jongin, his best friend, will support him.

 

Right?

 

Yeah, he totally will.

 

That’s the kind of friend Jongin is. He’s supportive and backs Chanyeol up no matter what. But when he comes to think of it… What does he do for Jongin?

 

“Hey,” says a familiar voice. Chanyeol sees a hand waving in front of his eyes, “Are you awake or what?” He follows the hand as it falls back to the owner’s side. It was Baekhyun, his small puppy like face smiling at him. Chanyeol felt his heart rate increase dramatically. Baekhyun stood between him and Jongin, looking even smaller compared to the two other’s height.

 

Chanyeol fakes a laugh, “I don’t know. Am I?” He hears Baekhyun’s wonderful laugh, and Chanyeol smiles from ear to ear. He glances up from Baekhyun’s smiling face and looks at Jongin’s profile view. His friend is completely silent, one ear bud facing away from the two. He has his phone on hand, not taking his eyes off of it as he scrolls down whatever he’s on.

 

Chanyeol can’t help but feel that Jongin looks… angry, annoyed even. For a moment Chanyeol worries, but having Baekhyun tug at his arm to pay attention to the path distracts him.

 

He doesn’t notice the way Jongin looked at him when he laughed alongside with Baekhyun.

 

The three continued on towards school, separating into different homerooms according to their years. The teacher has yet to enter yet, and Chanyeol heads over to Jongin for a conversation. Jongin always sits in the back, while Chanyeol is usually in the middle of the classroom. He pulls over a seat from an empty desk and brings it over to his friend, nudging him with his elbow.

 

Jongin looks up at him and pulls out his ear bud, face stoic. “What?” Chanyeol ignored the slight annoyance in his voice. He put on a grin on his face and grabbed his phone.

 

“You,” He motioned towards Jongin, “need to stop going on your phone.” Chanyeol waves the device back and forth, emphasizing his point. Jongin rolls his eyes and snatches it out of his hand. “Seriously, you’ve been on it ever since you came to my house.”

 

Jongin shrugged, tugging his phone into his pants pocket. “Maybe you’re just getting a little boring, Yeol.” Chanyeol actually felt offended at his friend’s words, bring a hand to his heart to show his (mock?) hurt. “I’m kidding.” Jongin momentarily brought a finger to his chin, tapping it. He grinned, “Maybe.”

 

Chanyeol laughed, pushing his friend slightly on his shoulder. He didn’t put much force into it, but it still caused Jongin to nearly fall back. “Then I’ll just have to up my game!”

 

Jongin scoffed, “Sorry, Yeol. You’ve been getting old ever since Baekhyun’s been hanging out with us—” He stopped.

 

His friend looked at him, squinting since he can’t push up his frames on the bridge of his nose like before. The longer Chanyeol stared, the more Jongin grew nervous. It wasn’t until Chanyeol laughed heartily did Jongin break from his frozen spell.

 

“Have I?” A mighty pat on Jongin’s back, “You’re right! I’ve been using all the old jokes on him, just like how you and I used to be!” Jongin stiffens, hearing the past tense. When Chanyeol says it like that, it doesn’t sound that big of a deal. But in Jongin’s mind, it means nothing is the same as before. As usual, Chanyeol doesn’t seem to notice.

 

The bell rings, indicating the start of class. The students shuffle in and out of the classroom. Chanyeol stands up, fixing the chair to its rightful desk. He waves, smiling, “On the roof or outside?” Chanyeol refers to their lunch break. Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongin along with other friends have been alternating on where to eat lunch.

 

Jongin stares at his friend.

 

“Roof.”

 

Turns out the gods above decided to make Jongin’s day worse by having him witness Baekhyun and Chanyeol basically flirting with each other. Everyone decided to eat in their classrooms, some students leaving and entering to be with their friends. Baekhyun and Sehun walked into the classroom, Chanyeol immediately greeting the two as they walk towards Jongin’s desk.

 

Sehun is a friend of Baekhyun, despite being a freshman. Jongin was introduced first to Sehun, and then to Chanyeol, following the rest of their other friends. Honestly, Jongin is grateful that Baekhyun brought Sehun along. At least he’ll have someone to talk to during their lunch break. Sort of.

 

Jongin pulls out his phone out of his pocket, only to have Chanyeol snatch it away from him for what seems like the third time of the day already.

 

“What is your problem with my phone?” Jongin snaps, standing up, but Chanyeol doesn’t sense the malice in his voice. He’s so ing oblivious.

 

Chanyeol puts it into his back pocket, “My problem is,” He crosses his arms, looking at his friend. “You need to stop going on your phone and start talking! You’ve barely been talking at all..” Jongin falls to his seat, huffing like a little child. Chanyeol nowsenses that Jongin is upset and sits next to him, bringing his lunch towards him.

 

“What’s up, man?” asks Chanyeol, eyes concerned. Jongin almost wants to laugh. “You really don’t talk to me a lot now. Something bothering you?” Jongin doesn’t answer, but his stomach rumbles instead. Chanyeol grins. “Ahh, so my friend is hungry, isn’t he?” He pushes the lunch box towards Jongin. “It’s cool, you can have it. I’ll just snag some of Baekhyun and Sehun’s lunch.”

 

“Excuse you.” Sehun bites back.

 

“You’re excused!” Baekhyun and Chanyeol say in unison. Their laughter is the loudest in the class, but no one else pays attention to it.

 

Jongin opens the lunch box that Chanyeol packed. It’s fried chicken, one of Jongin’s favorite dishes. He looks up at his friend, seeing his big goofy grin as he laughs along with Baekhyun. Sehun keeps a complete stoic face, only eating his lunch as he rolls his eyes at the two. Jongin chuckles, though bitterly.

 

“You should take what I said this morning into consideration.”

 

Chanyeol glances at Jongin, wiping tears from his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, what did you say, Jongin?”

 

Sehun’s eyes focus on Jongin.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Things have been going pretty smoothly for Chanyeol. Minus Jongin, he thinks he’s gotten closer with Baekhyun (strangely it affects Chanyeol when he thinks of minus Jongin). Maybe he’ll eventually ask him out on a date or something, considering how Baekhyun seems so at ease with him. Jongin, on the other hand… Chanyeol is so worried for Jongin.

 

Their friendship doesn’t appear to be the same anymore, especially after Baekhyun came into their lives. Well, more so his. Jongin’s grown quiet, when he used to be lively just as Chanyeol himself. The boy uses his phone more than usual, which may seem normal to some but it’s a concern that won’t escape Chanyeol. It’s a strange feeling in his chest when he sees his friend so quiet. He almost looks as if…

 

As if he’s alone.

 

That’s the last thing Chanyeol wants, for Jongin to be alone. Jongin doesn’t deserve to be alone at all. It pains Chanyeol’s heart to not hear his friend’s laugh, or see his smile, a genuine smile. Any true friend of Jongin would know the difference between a genuine smile and a bull one.

 

When Jongin puts on a fake smile, he doesn’t smile with his teeth. He only brings his pink, full lips into a curve. His eyes don’t crinkle up into cute little moon crescents. It’s followed by some terrible lie too, if prompted. Chanyeol finds every aspect about Jongin cute, adorable, and very attractive, but it’s all platonic.

 

Chanyeol loves seeing Jongin truly smile. It shows how beautiful he can be (totally normal to say about your male friend). His pearly white teeth show when he smiles, and he laughs sometimes as well. Chanyeol loves seeing Jongin laugh, his voice is wonderful. Just like every fiber of Jongin’s being. Plus, his personality is something you won’t find in anyone else other than him.

 

Jongin can be introverted, just like how he has been recently with Chanyeol. He doesn’t know why Jongin’s been so reclusive, and he hates himself for not knowing Jongin better. But sometimes there are things that even the closest of friends do not know of.

 

Jongin can also be very cute, Chanyeol thinks to himself when he sees his friend pouting occasionally. He’s also caring, sweet, and very supportive even in the sidelines. He’ll speak up if things bother him, or he’ll speak about his feelings. It’s not often, but sometimes he does.

 

Chanyeol’s just rambling on and on about Jongin, his best friend in the entire world that he completely shares platonic feelings with.

 

That’s how much Chanyeol cares about Jongin. There are so many things that he can say about his friend, and it won’t be taken in a wrong way.

 

But what really bothers Chanyeol is why Jongin doesn’t talk about his feelings at all. He doesn’t know why, but it feels like something’s wrong. Whether it be with him, friends, or Jongin himself, it’s an uncomfortable feeling and Chanyeol doesn’t like it one bit.

 

He tries to ignore this strange feeling in his gut as he walks out of the school gates with Jongin.

 

“Chanyeol, Jongin!” yells Baekhyun. The two turn around, watching their small friend run towards them. “I have to stay after school to makeup a test. Sorry I couldn’t hang out with you guys today.”

 

Chanyeol glances at Jongin’s stone cold face. He isn’t sure if his friend tensed or not, but he did put on one of his fake smiles. “It’s alright.” He shrugs, “Maybe tomorrow, yeah?” Baekhyun nods.

 

“I’ll text you both later.” He starts to run the other way, waving, “See you on Monday!” The two wave back at Baekhyun, turning their backs once he’s out of view. They start walking home, the scent of wet pavement strong in the air.

 

Chanyeol and Jongin walk in silence towards his home, Jongin now on his phone once again after Chanyeol gave it back once lunch was over. He could faintly hear the track playing from Jongin’s earbud. He always listened to music at a deafening volume.

 

Deciding he can’t take the silence anymore with his closest friend, Chanyeol says, “It’s a shame Baekhyun can’t hang out with us on the weekend anymore, isn’t it?” He adds a quick laugh, trying not to sound forced, but it only makes it sound exactly that.

 

Jongin didn’t even look at Chanyeol when he answers. “Yeah.”

 

One word. It’s always one word these days. Chanyeol sighs, now feeling dejected. Things don’t seem right anymore, and it confuses him. What happened to the old Jongin?

 

They continue walking in silence, not one of them making an effort to talk. Over the course of the day, Chanyeol’s eyes grew irritated due of his contacts. Because of that, his eyes grew red and began to tear. It was during one of his elective classes with both Jongin and Baekhyun. The latter stared at Chanyeol for quite some time at their group table while working on an assignment.

 

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun took a handkerchief from his school jacket’s pocket and leaned over. He dabbed at the edges of Chanyeol’s eyes. “You look like you’re crying…”

 

Chanyeol froze, unable to move. Baekhyun, the boy he most certainly has a crush on, is doing something that not many male friends would do with each other. He sat still, waiting for Baekhyun to pull back. Chanyeol’s eyes focused onto Baekhyun’s face, memorizing every feature on his smooth skin. His heart was beating so fast that it was almost deafening in his ears. It took his all to not lean in and capture the older boy’s lips.

 

He didn’t hear Jongin excuse himself to use the restroom.

 

“There,” Baekhyun finally said. He sat back in his seat and smiled, “I think you should wear your glasses instead, Chanyeol. You look a lot better with them.” The boy fiddled with the hairs of his own bangs, “And you should put your hair down too. The updo looks too… greasy.”

 

“Jongin told me you would like that! He said you’re totally okay with change, or something.”

 

Baekhyun froze only for a moment, but Chanyeol didn’t notice it. “Oh, um—”

 

They heard a chair scraping against the floor, causing them both to cringe. Jongin sat down, resuming his work. Chanyeol never noticed he left.

 

“Where were you?”

 

“Nowhere.”

 

And that was that.

 

Somehow, Chanyeol can’t help but feel that he is at fault for causing Jongin to act this way. For causing Jongin to act differently. But thankfully, some things haven’t changed, such as staying at each other’s house after school. Baekhyun comes too, but only on weekdays, due to practice for afterschool activities. Jongin walks in and heads upstairs towards Chanyeol’s bedroom. He follows after his friend, noticing that Jongin’s phone vibrates in his hand.

 

Once they closed the door of Chanyeol’s room, he finds Jongin already plopped on the bed, eyes glued to his phone and fingers swiftly moving across the screen. His ear buds are out too. Chanyeol thinks of grabbing the boy’s phone for the billionth time today, but he decides against it. He’s caused Jongin too much pain already, he thinks.

 

Chanyeol sets down his bag and heads towards his chair by his desk. He opens his laptop, immediately clicking the browser icon and selecting a playlist online to play though his speakers. It’s rap music; he and Jongin have always been big fans of rap.

 

Next, he grabs the small little container that are supposed to hold his contacts and places it on the desk. He has much difficulty getting them out, and he even hears Jongin laugh when he accidentally pokes himself in the eye. “Son of a ,”muttered Chanyeol when he closed the container now containing the lens. He’s going to stick with his glasses for a while longer.

 

Chanyeol opened an app on his laptop, turning on his computer’s built-in webcam. He checks himself out, running his fingers through his greasy, gelled hair. After staring at himself for a good minute or two, he decides that he does look better with glasses. The new hairstyle… not so much. He closes the tab of the playlist, deciding that a comfortable— if you can call it that — silence is better.

 

He swivels his chair around, stopping once he faces Jongin. “You know, you barely talk much now.”

 

Immediately Jongin’s reply came, “That’s because you talk too much.”

 

“And you’re always on your phone.”

 

“It’s not that different from before.”

 

“You’ve also been really rude to me, or anyone for that matter.”

 

“People change, Chanyeol. Get used to it.”

 

Chanyeol stands up and walks towards Jongin, shadow towering over Jongin’s sprawled figure on bed. Jongin looks up at him. “What is with you?” He shouts. "I’ve done nothing wrong towards you, yet you talk to me like we’re enemies!” He throws his hands up in the air, tolerance running thin.

 

Jongin sits up from bed and looks directly at Chanyeol, “Maybe we are!” He screamed with so much force, so much emotion, so much… anger. Chanyeol steps back from his friend’s tone. Never in his life did he ever hear Jongin shout at him like that.

 

“Maybe you’re just too ing oblivious to even notice it! You’re not the only one who's had enough!” Jongin runs a hand through his hair.

 

He stands up abruptly, marching out of the room. Jongin slams the door open and announces, “I’m going to the bathroom.” And then the door is slammed shut. Chanyeol winces from the noise.

 

Was that my first fight with Jongin? It may have been brief, but there was so much anger in Jongin’s voice that it froze Chanyeol on the spot. The two have yelled at each other, but it was all for fun. They’re playful, and things aren’t really taken seriously between the two. Chanyeol has half a mind to go to Jongin, ask him if he’s alright or if anything is wrong (of course something’s wrong; that’s how you got in this mess in the first place).

 

Chanyeol noticed Jongin left his phone on the bed. It just vibrated, causing him to jump from the noise. There’s a green LED light coming from it, and he knows that’s a notification. The two nearly have the same model. He has no idea why he’s leaning towards the bed, and he’s almost unaware that his hand is reaching for his friend’s phone. It’s like his body did it on its own.

 

He turns it on, the notification of the text message showing up. It’s on Kakaotalk and it’s from Baekhyun.

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

Okay, I’ll do it. I don’t think it’s the brightest idea, though? Especially with how…

 

The entirety of the message is cut off because the preview box is too small. Chanyeol taps on the notification but is prompted to put in the password. Not that difficult, he thinks to himself, typing in Jongin’s birthday. Chanyeol’s used Jongin’s phone plenty of times, despite—

 

940114

 

Incorrect

 

Chanyeol stares at the phone in confusion. That’s always been the password for Jongin’s phone. He tries again, this time in a different order.

 

011494

Incorrect

 

Again.

 

140994

Incorrect

 

Again.

 

091494

Incorrect

 

149401

Incorrect

 

099414

Incorrect

 

The door creaks open, and Chanyeol quickly turns off the phone and throws it back onto the bed. He stands still like a soldier, arms to his side and back straight. Jongin walks through the door, and closes it quietly. Chanyeol can see a faint red or pink tinge on Jongin’s cheeks. He was either crying, or he’s shy to apologize. Chanyeol honestly can’t tell.

 

“S-Sorry,” says Jongin as he walks up to Chanyeol. There isn’t much of a height difference, but Chanyeol still is the tallest. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. There’s just some things going on.” He rubs the back of his neck, a habit Jongin often does when he’s embarrassed.

 

Chanyeol continues to listen, “I didn’t mean that we’re enemies. You’re my best friend, Chanyeol. I would never mean something like that, I swear.” His friend refuses to look at him in the eye. Chanyeol stares at him, now that Jongin has finished talking, he looks closely at Jongin’s face. His eyes seem red, so it does look like he may have shed a few tears. The blush on his face still has yet to go away, and the boy is pouting. He looks like a ten year old.

 

“You’re so cute,” Chanyeol says aloud. Jongin turns his head at Chanyeol, eyes wide. Chanyeol decided to embrace his friends, Jongin trapped in his arms. “Jongin, you’re so cute when you’re sorry, but you shouldn’t be sorry. Oh my god, it’s all my fault. I’m sorry that I made you upset forgive me.” He says out all at once. Jongin stiffened in Chanyeol’s hold, but quickly relaxed and pat his friend on the back, though carefully.

 

“I’m sorry too.” Another pat. “Now let go of me,” He hits Chanyeol hard on the back, a loud thump coming from it. Chanyeol cries out in pain. “I need to get my phone.” Jongin pushes his friend off and grabs his phone from the bed, stuffing it in his pocket.

 

“Jongin?” Chanyeol calls. His friend hums, “Um, actually, never mind. Let’s head downstairs.” Jongin’s already out the door by the time Chanyeol finishes his sentence. He decided that it would be best to not ask about Baekhyun, or what he was talking about with him. He knows that the two are close friends as well, and they all haven’t quite exactly told each other’s secrets to one another, but… He is curious as to why Jongin changed his password. More importantly…

 

What did Baekhyun agree to?

 

Chanyeol pushes the question to the back of his mind as he trudges downstairs, watching Jongin fiddle around the shelf containing the games and DVDs.

 

Even though they spend an enjoyable evening together, the question doesn’t leave Chanyeol’s mind.

 

Monday comes quicker than expected, and Chanyeol is greeted with Jongin and Baekhyun standing at his doorstep. It was fifteen minutes before seven, and he was heading over to Jongin’s house. He eyes the two strangely, seeing how they seem more radiant than usual, especially Jongin. His best friend is actually smiling after, what, weeks of being a brat?

 

He closes the door, fixing the bag on his shoulder. “What’s up with you two?” They walk down the porch together. Chanyeol takes his usual side by Baekhyun, who stands in between both him and Jongin. Chanyeol looks down at Baekhyun, and — scratch that, Baekhyun doesn’t look radiant than usual.

 

Something is bothering Baekhyun, and it’s clear to Chanyeol. He doesn’t know about Jongin, who’s talking animatedly to Baekhyun. The oldest of the three nods his head, smiling and laughing here and there. But there’s something amiss… Of course Chanyeol would notice after trying to get Baekhyun to recognize his own feelings.

 

It seems that whenever he laughs or smile, it’s forced. It’s something like with Jongin before their little ‘fight’ on Friday, but there’s a different feel to it. Chanyeol may not be the smartest of the three, but he can definitely read others. Definitely. He can tell that Baekhyun’s feeling nervous about something, because he darts his eyes over to Chanyeol for a quick glance and reverts his gaze. Chanyeol feels confused and a little bit left out.

 

Without thinking, he asks, “Baekhyun, why do you look… anxious?”

 

Baekhyun stiffens for a bit, and he can see that Jongin looks up at him quickly, before looking at Baekhyun. He laughs, sounding forced once again, and shakes his head. “It’s nothing, Yeol. It’s… just school. Just a test in one of my classes, that’s all.”

 

Chanyeol calls bull, but he doesn’t say. Instead, he says, “Oh. Well, will you be able to hang out after school, Jongin’s place?”

 

Baekhyun quickly denies, shaking his head. “I can’t,” A quick glance down at the ground, “I have to do something for the club today! Yeah, we have… practice, because we’re going to be performing somewhere this week—”

 

“And you haven’t told us?” He doesn’t mean to sound rude, but it’s just that Baekhyun’s never mentioned such a thing before.

 

Jongin lightly punches Chanyeol on his arm, earning an over exaggerated cry of pain from him. “Chanyeol,” He says like a parent warning their child, “Baek’s just been busy. Quit being an and walk.” He scoffs, crossing his arms, though he sees a smile forming on his friend’s lips.

 

Chanyeol feels a smile on his lips too, but he feels more confused than anything else.

 

Chanyeol walks into the practice room during lunch used by the Music Club.

 

“Hey, Kyungsoo.”

 

He’s a short little owl-eyed boy who is also in the Music Club, along with Baekhyun and his other friend, Jongdae. Kyungsoo is the youngest in the club, but he’s one of the most feared. It may be for his voice, sure, he’s got an amazing voice, but there’s also another reason. Though, it’s better left being unsaid.

 

Kyungsoo stands in front of Chanyeol, looking up at him. His heart-shaped lips break into a quick smile. “Hey, Chanyeol. What are you doing here?”

 

Chanyeol fidgets in his spot, “Um, I was curious about something, actually.” Kyungsoo stares at the older boy. Chanyeol continues on, “Does the club have practice today?”

 

“No, we don’t. Why’d you ask?”

 

So Baekhyun lied. That would explain why he looked so nervous this morning. Lying was never Baekhyun’s strong point.

 

“No reason,” he shrugs. “Are you guys also performing anywhere this week, or something?” No immediate answer came from Kyungsoo. Chanyeol waited, the two staring down each other, though there was something in his eyes. It looked familiar; it looked like Baekhyun’s eyes from this morning.

 

“Chanyeol,” He said slowly, “Who told you this?”

 

Immediately he blurted out, “Baekhyun.”

 

There it is. The familiar sense of nervousness in Kyungsoo’s eyes as well.

 

“No, we’re not performing anywhere at all this month.”

 

“Oh. Thanks.”

 

Chanyeol turns around, heading back towards his classroom instead, knowing the bell will ring soon for their next period. As he’s almost out of the door, he hears the sound of a phone unlocking in the quiet room. He continues walking, even after hearing Kyungsoo speak a familiar name.

 

“Baekhyun."

 

Something is a little off, Chanyeol senses as he walks alone to Jongin’s house. He texted his friend, wondering where he is, but no reply came. Chanyeol waited at the school gates for fifteen minutes before deciding to walk alone. It’s weird, he thinks, since Jongin never said anything to him. Jongin isn’t part of any after school activities, so something must have happened. That, or maybe Jongin is sleeping at home. Chanyeol doesn’t really know, but he’s looking forward to tonight.

 

Every time he goes to Jongin’s house, they watch movies and shows. A new anime came out today, and Chanyeol just knows that it’s a must watch on Jongin’s list. Chanyeol and Jongin have always shared the same interests, and Chanyeol wonders if he’s setting up his TV for it, waiting for him. That’s how it’s been in previous years; Jongin always waited for Chanyeol, even if he took his sweet time.

 

He must admit that he feels bad for making Jongin wait for him. He’s usually with Baekhyun when he walks to Jongin’s house, and the two get distracted by a stray animal or going to the corner store nearby. One time, when Chanyeol walked alone just like today, he found Jongin sleeping in his bed instead, laptop already hooked up to the television.

 

Jongin looked like a child on that day… He even mumbled some words in his sleep. Chanyeol’s not creepy for watching his best friend sleep, of course. Definitely not, even if he looked at how soft Jongin’s hair appeared, how his lips parted slightly with each breath, and how he resisted the temptation to draw on his friend’s face.

 

Definitely not creepy.

 

But something bothers Chanyeol. He’s nearly at Jongin’s home now, but Baekhyun keeps coming to his mind. First, it’s the message on Friday when he checked Jongin’s phone. He never did find out what did he agree to, and he’s not even sure if he wants to find out. Who is this ‘he’ that Baekhyun mentioned?

 

Another is what Kyungsoo said today. Kyungsoo is close with the three of them, but more with Baekhyun. His eyes looked like they grew larger when he said his friend’s name, but Chanyeol’s grew even wider when he heard Kyungsoo speak it after he left. Kyungsoo definitely called Baekhyun, but what the hell did they talk about?

 

The question still lingers in Chanyeol’s mind as he opens the door of Jongin’s home.One day, Jongin’s home is going to be robbed because he doesn’t lock the doors,Chanyeol laughs to himself. He removes his shoes at the door and puts them aside. The house is empty and almost deafeningly quiet.

 

He calls out, “Hey, Jongin! I’m going up!” The thuds of his feet on the stairs are the only noise in the house. Bag slung over his shoulder, he pauses and looks down at the living room. He notices that the place is still spotless. Looks like they’re going to watch in Jongin’s room tonight.

 

Chanyeol has an internal debate within himself as he stands in front of his friend’s room. The questions in his head are either ‘Ask Jongin why he didn’t wait for me’ or ‘Ask him if he knew about Baekhyun’. Chanyeol’s leaning more towards the first question, since there could be a possibility of Jongin not knowing… but then again, he could know something since the two are also close friends with each other.

 

“Ah, ,” Chanyeol groaned as a headache slowly crept upon him. He should really stop thinking, it’s not like him to think too much. Instead, Chanyeol grabs the handle of the door and turns it, opening the door with much force.

 

“Surprise— Oh.” His sentence stops abruptly as he sees Jongin on the bed, shirtless with another body beneath him. From where he stood, Chanyeol couldn’t clearly see the other person’s face. Unconsciously, he felt his legs move towards the bed. The two seemed to be kissing sloppily, not caring that Chanyeol stood right besides them.

 

A soft groan came from the body beneath Jongin. Chanyeol heard Jongin chuckle against the boys lips.

 

Jongin pulled away from other’s face. It was a boy. It was Baekhyun. Chanyeol felt his soul leaving his body when he clearly saw his face.

 

Chanyeol’s grip on his bag tightened, and he has half a mind to swing it right onto Jongin’s smirking face. Baekhyun propped himself on his elbows, something along the lines of worry or concern on his face. Chanyeol didn’t notice.

 

Silence. Deafening silence washed over the room just like a tidal wave. It was suffocating, and Chanyeol couldn’t feel himself breathe.

 

“Hi, Chanyeol.” says Jongin, the first one to break the silence. Chanyeol can see the saliva from the two’s kiss sheen in the afternoon rays let by the window. He felt something twist in his gut.

 

He heard himself audibly gulp, and his throat started to hurt. It felt hot in the room, and his throat felt like it was burning. Chanyeol opened his mouth, trying to find his voice.

 

Eventually, he muttered, “Jongin…” It was barely loud as a whisper, and the words he wanted to say after dissipated into nothingness as he stared at his two friends in front of him.

 

Apparently Jongin seemed to know what he was going to say, and merely shrugged, the ing smirk of his still on his face. “Don’t worry, it’s just an experiment.”

 

Chanyeol wanted to call bull, but instead, he said, “Experiment?” He breathed out shakily, “You call this an experiment? I don’t think this is a ing experiment with the way that you on each other’s faces.” He can hear his own voice rising steadily with each word, and god knows how long it’ll be until he punches Jongin straight on the jaw.

 

He laughs. Jongin ing laughs, and never in his life has he felt this much anger from his laugh. “You know, maybe you’re right. Maybe this isn’t a ing experiment,” Jongin turned to look at Baekhyun. Chanyeol couldn’t bear to look at him right now. “Right, Baekhyun? Tell Chanyeol that this isn’t an experiment. Tell him how long we’ve been doing this with each other behind his back.”

 

No response came from Baekhyun.

 

Jongin leaned down, gripping the boy's shoulders tightly that could leave a hand-shaped bruise for days. He whispered right into his ear, “ing tell him right now.”Jongin’s hot breath ghosting over the shell of his ear. Baekhyun shivered. He doesn’t know out of fear or because of Jongin himself.

 

Chanyeol closed his eyes, waiting for Baekhyun’s answer. He truly doesn’t know what to anticipate from the other, and he felt his entire body trembling out of fear. For the time that Chanyeol has known Baekhyun, he’s very innocent. Baekhyun may be mischievous and a joker, but he isn’t a liar. Well, he hopes so. Chanyeol’s only known him for a year and—

 

“No.” He shut his eyes even tighter, “No, this isn’t an experiment. We’re…” Baekhyun looked at Jongin, receiving a deadly glare from him. Chanyeol felt himself hold his breath. “We’ve been dating for the past month.”

 

It’s strange. Chanyeol thought hearing Baekhyun confirm such a thing would cause his world to crash down on him. He thought he would physically and emotionally feel his heart shattering into pieces all at once, but instead… Chanyeol feels nothing. The anger that slowly crept up in his voice when he spoke disappeared, like it wasn’t there in the first place. The feelings of betrayal felt like it didn’t even exist at this moment. Everything that Chanyeol idolized about Baekhyun was gone, like it vanished into thin air. Chanyeol felt absolutely nothing.

 

It’s almost like his world is now nothing.

 

Chanyeol exhaled the breath he was apparently holding, his grip on his bag loosening that it nearly fell off his shoulder. He breathed in the tension of the room, feeling Jongin’s angry eyes at him. He bowed his head, the frames of his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose slightly.

 

“I’m sorry for interrupting you two.” Chanyeol murmurs, bowing down once again as he makes his way toward the door. He isn’t sure if he felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes or not, and his chest started to hurt. He felt nothing emotionally, but his body is reacting and it pains him physically.

 

The door creaked open and it was almost deafening in the silent room. Chanyeol shuts it closed, his pace increasing as he walked down the stairs, quickly throwing his shoes on and ran out of Jongin’s house. He never looked back as he walked a few houses down towards his own. There were no cars outside; his parents aren’t home yet. Chanyeol ran into his house and immediately went up the stairs into his room. He stood there at the closed door of his room, back hitting the door as he slid down. He ran a hand through his hair and removed his glasses. He felt the tears already escaping his eyes as he sat there on the cold wooden floor.

 

Jongin got off of Baekhyun, practically being shoved off the shorter male. He nearly landed on his bum until his legs were quick enough to catch himself from falling. Jongin had half a mind to yell at him, but froze when he saw Baekhyun tremble.

 

The boy was mumbling to himself that it was practically incoherent. His knees were up this his chest as he sat against the headboard of the bed, and his hands were gripping tightly on his hair. Jongin made a move to remove those delicate hands, but they were swatted away. Jongin swore under his breath as he felt the sting on the back of his hand.

 

“I can’t believe I did that,” His voice quivered, “I can’t believe I ing did that. Why did I ing agree with you? Jongin, why?” Baekhyun screamed, squeezing his eyes shut. He screamed so loud that Jongin flinched, feeling frightened for a moment.

 

But then, Jongin realized how fragile Baekhyun looked in front of him. He is the oldest of the three, but he looks like a child. He’s in fetal position, hands up to his ears shutting in the nonexistent noise in his head. Whimpers, cries, sobs — whatever — escaped his small lips. Tears nearly fell from his eyes, and he saw Baekhyun press his palms to his ears harder. Jongin doesn’t know if he should speak louder for Baekhyun to hear him.

 

“He needs to know how I’ve felt for the past years I’ve known him, Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun cracks an eye open, almost mechanically turning his head to face Jongin. His eyes were glistening, but no tears fell. Jongin swallowed the feeling of guilt down his throat.

 

“But why did I have to be brought into this? Why didn’t you just tell him?” It was barely a whisper did his fragile voice manage, but Jongin heard it clearly. He decided that Baekhyun deserves to — needs to — know the truth.

 

“I love him, Baekhyun. But Chanyeol loves you. He’s my best friend, the ing idiot that I fell in love with, but he fell in love with you. You’re my best friend too, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve known him longer. He talks nonstop about you, asking for my opinions to impress you.” The pain in his chest felt like it was going to burst. Jongin breathed and continued.

 

“I have to deal with him talking about you every ing day. Do you not know how I feel?” Jongin nearly yells, but manages to keep his voice down. He didn’t give Baekhyun enough time to answer. “No, no you don’t. Both of you are ing oblivious, that’s why. Chanyeol doesn’t notice the way I stare at him, and you don’t notice the touches lingering on you. Even a five-years old could notice how obvious it is, but no, you guys act like you’re blind.”

 

His fists were clenched tight at his sides, eyes shut as he tried to force the tears away. He stomped towards the door, opening it with more force necessary, and announced, “I’m going out.” And slammed it shut.

 

Baekhyun was left alone on Jongin’s bed, legs still up to his chest as he whimpered pathetically. Never has he ever thought that he would be used for someone else to get what they want. He never thought of the touches that seemed to linger on longer than they should have; he thought it was all friendly interaction. Baekhyun only agreed to this because he wanted Chanyeol to finally notice his best friend, but it only backfired in the end.

 

This may possibly be the worst decision he’s ever made in his entire life.

 

He most likely lost two friends, both of whom were in love with one another in unrequited love. Baekhyun never felt love such as them. He only thought of them as close friends.

 

Baekhyun rested his forehead on the top of his knees, hugging them close to his chest. He whispered to himself, “I should have left instead.”

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

Okay, I’ll do it. I don’t think it’s the brightest idea, though? Especially with how Chanyeol overreacts to everything…

 

From: Jongin

 

baek, you know you’re also my best friend, right?

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

Yeah. What’s your point?

 

From: Jongin

 

best friends help each other, especially when it comes to this, right? come on baek

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

I’ll have to see if he’s okay with it, though. because if i’m going to act like your boyfriend and if you want it to be convincing…

 

From: Jongin

 

oh my god baek i love you you’re the greatest friend ever

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

I know I am. but seriously, i don’t think it’s a good idea but i’m only doing this because you’re my friend, Jongin.

 

From: Jongin

 

*Best friend i think you mean.

, Chanyeol’s coming back from the kitchen. we’re doing movie/game night tonight

 

From: Byun Baekhyun

 

Wish I could join you :( but i’ll talk to kyungsoo, now. bye!

 

From: Jongin

 

Say hi to hyung for me~

 

“So, what were you doing on your phone this time?” Chanyeol walked around the couch, setting down the bowl of popcorn and some drinks onto the coffee table before plopping next to his friend. Jongin shrugged, smiling.

 

“Nothing special.” His phone vibrated in his hands, and he quickly turned it on to find a new message.

 

From: Dyo Kyungsoo

 

Okay.

 

Their friendship has reached a limbo state. Though they do not meet up at each other’s houses, they walk to school together. Despite it being weeks — probably a month at this point — since the incident, not one of the three have tried to initiate a conversation with one another. The only time the three speak to each other is for a group assignment or for help on the previous night’s homework.

 

Even their other friends have noticed the change of the trio. They grew quiet around each other, whether it be passing by one another, making eye contact, or whatever. They haven’t said a word about the incident weeks before, no words of hatred, anger or forgiveness. They don’t know exactly why they still continue to walk to school together or to walk back home as well. It may as well be a habit they cannot outgrow, perhaps. Old habits die hard, or something along those lines.

 

Chanyeol waited after school for Jongin and Baekhyun after their early release, despite the tense atmosphere between them. Students passed by him, some laughing with friends while others were on their phones. Today, it turns out they didn’t show up at all. He originally planned to head on home, but instead he found himself walking into the empty practice room of the Music Club. Since the school ended early, there was no practice.

 

In the room, there were a few instruments lying around, even a drum set. This must also be used for the School Band, Chanyeol thought. Maybe he should join the band, that way he could get his mind off of things or maybe even make new friends. That, or he could die from stressing himself out too much, having only a year or two of high school left. Maybe he’d enjoy it, though. Chanyeol loved to play his guitar before.

 

As Chanyeol stands at the doorway, scanning the room, his eyes catches the grand piano to the far right of the wall. It’s right next to a window, sunlight streaming through the blinds. Being honest, it looks very uncomfortable because the seat is probably heated up to one hundred degrees. It also reminds him of a cheesy drama, one where your love (Chanyeol isn't even sure he has one at this point) comes by as you play the piano, leaning against the wooden frame and singing along to whatever you played.

 

Maybe if Chanyeol does that, his true love will appear.

 

He makes his way towards the small bench at the piano, dropping down his bag onto the floor. He lifted the fallboard, staring at the piano keys in front of him. White, black, white, black, white, white, black. It’s a repeating sequence, alternating the black keys with the white ones. Chanyeol doesn’t know why, but he feels his heart hurt a bit.

 

His fingers ghosted over the piano, ready to play his heart out, but then he heard the doors of the practice room open. Is it his true love?

 

“Oh,” Chanyeol said as he turned his head. “Hi, Kyungsoo.” The younger boy didn’t reply back immediately, only his footsteps were heard as he walked to Chanyeol, sitting right next to him on the small bench.

 

Chanyeol can feel the boy’s huge eyes staring at him, and he grew uneasy. He stole a quick glance at Kyungsoo, but only to be frozen by the expression on his face. It was sadness, something Chanyeol hasn’t felt at all in the previous weeks. There was still nothing in his heart, in his world.

 

“Don’t ‘hi’ me.” He nudged Chanyeol, the latter easily shoved. “I know something is wrong. In fact, everyone does.” Chanyeol chuckles, albeit bitterly.

 

“Yeah, so what of it? I’m no longer annoying.”

 

“True, but it doesn’t feel the same at all now. Have you been feeling alright?”

 

Chanyeol shrugs, shoulders dropping. “I don’t think I’ve been feeling… okay.” That isn’t what he wanted to say, but he didn’t have the energy to find the word. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what I’ve been feeling. I…” Chanyeol hesitated, debating on whether or not to tell Kyungsoo. There is a fifty-fifty chance he may know what happened weeks ago, but he isn’t too sure. “I feel empty.”

 

Kyungsoo hums, acknowledging what Chanyeol said. He doesn’t say anything for a while, and the fingers that ghosted over the piano keys lie on his lap, clenching his fist. He felt nervous for some strange reason.

 

“Kyungsoo.” The boy looks at him, muttering a small yes, “What comes to your mind when you think of happiness?” A chuckle came from the younger boy, and he looked almost uncertain on whether or not to answer.

 

“Do you really want me to tell you?” Chanyeol felt hesitant himself after hearing those words. He felt himself shake his head no, and another chuckle came from Kyungsoo’s heart-shaped lips. “What about you? What comes to your mind when you think of happiness?”

 

Happiness. Happiness is a wonderful thing. Chanyeol knows he’s been happy numerous times in the sixteen years of his life. He cannot think of an immediate reply, and closes his eyes. He digs up memories of times when he was happy, truly happy. Before this entire mess happened because of one person, before high school even happened. Chanyeol blames high school for taking his happiness away, and many people would agree.

 

Middle school. Middle school was filled with ups and downs. He was mocked by the other children for owning too many pets. His beloved ferret ran away after a hard day of school. His grades were average, but not good enough for his terms. But there was snack time, oh yes, snack time definitely was a good time. Though, he wouldn’t consider it being truly happy. It was only for a year, seventh grade, anyway.

 

Happiness. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of happiness? His eyes shut even tighter, trying to visualize anything, remember anything, but all he gets is a sound of laughter.

 

What accompanies the sound of laughter is a smile that fully shows one’s teeth, a jaw that nearly disappears as soon as his face contorts with something Chanyeol can’t even describe. His nose scrunches up, showing how his eyes have nearly turned into dark moon crescents. It’s a familiar face as he sees the pink plump lips against the bronze sun-kissed skin.

 

Unconsciously, Chanyeol whispers his name. “Jongin.” His eyes shot wide open as he felt the syllables still on his tongue. Kyungsoo was smiling at him, and Chanyeol shook his head.

 

“No, no… He can’t— But he and Baekhyun…” Chanyeol was a stuttering mess in front of the younger boy. It was embarrassing. “Why?”

 

Kyungsoo shrugged, smile slowly fading away. “Exactly. ‘Why’ is the question you should have asked him. ‘Why’ is something you should ask everyone. Why didn’t you ask for them to explain it?” Chanyeol’s head started to throb, images of Jongin flashing in his head as weird as it may sound. He’s seen about every emotion there is on the boy’s face — sad, happy, frustrated, worried, whiny, insert other emotions here — but there is one that he never registered in his head.

 

Lovestruck.

 

All the times he’s never noticed this one expression, this one emotion that is love, he’s been too busy with Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s been so oblivious with Baekhyun that he never noticed Jongin like that. Chanyeol is so engrossed for Baekhyun’s attention he didn’t pay mind to Jongin. It’s sad, really, since Jongin is basically his personification of happiness.

 

After sorting his thoughts out, he sighs.

 

“Why are you asking me these questions?” Chanyeol asked right back, eliciting a laugh from the younger boy.

 

A smile forms on Kyungsoo’s lips. “Touché.”

 

Silence quickly followed as the two sat side by side on the small bench. Chanyeol’s fists were on his lap, still clenched tightly, while Kyungsoo made himself comfortable on the wooden bench. Though it is awkward, it gives Chanyeol some time to think of his options; to think of what to do next. If he thinks meticulously, maybe — just maybe — he may be able to escape this limbo state of friendship that is between him, Baekhyun, and Jongin.

 

“Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo suddenly says out of the blue, surprising Chanyeol.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Baekhyun is the first one that comes to mind when I think of happiness.” He smiled, his heart-shaped lips breaking into a shy smile. Chanyeol looks at him confused, and that’s when Kyungsoo’s smile fades away. “Don’t tell me…” He mutters.

 

“Tell me what?”

 

Kyungsoo stared at Chanyeol in disbelief, and he heard Kyungsoo swore under his breath. “You honestly don’t know?”

 

“Know what?”

 

Kyungsoo looked scared. Chanyeol felt confused. The boy looked hesitant to speak anymore.

 

“Baekhyun and I have been dating for the past four months.”

 

Chanyeol felt his heart drop. The familiar nothingness slowly crept behind him in the back of his mind. He swallows it down, managing to choke out these words.

 

“No. No, I didn’t know at all.”

 

Kyungsoo muttered under his breath, “I’m sorry.”

 

Chanyeol quickly grabbed his bag and stood up, speeding through the room.

 

“I am, too.”

 

—

 

Chanyeol exited the school building, feet heavy as he stepped down the stairs. His eyes were focused onto the ground, watching his feet drag along the pavement. The familiar feeling he felt two or three weeks ago returned; the feeling of nothingness. He had found out the truth of the boy he had been trying to win over, but realized that he had been lied to.

 

Chanyeol stopped in his tracks to look up, scanning the area around him. He’s nearly to the school’s gates. But that’s when he realizes how empty the front lot is. There were no students, everyone left already due to early dismissal. Even between the gates surrounding the school, there were almost no cars or people on the road at all.

 

It’s as if he’s the only one.

 

If he were to be honest, he feels like crying out right now; screaming his lungs out, even if he doesn’t really know if he’s mad or not. Chanyeol doesn’t even know if he’s sad too because the tears from the day he found Baekhyun and Jongin on the bed wasn’t because he was sad, but something else.

 

Betrayal.

 

Jongin betrayed him, that’s the only conclusion Chanyeol can think of as he walks to his house on the quiet streets. It may not even be Jongin alone, but Kyungsoo and Baekhyun as well. They went with his plan, or whatever the hell he did to convince them.

 

Chanyeol honestly feels only the pain in his chest. It’s an unsettling feeling that remained since that day, and it never went away. But now, it seems to have hurt even more than usual. It’s suffocating, really.

 

His bag hangs on his shoulder, hands loosely holding onto it as he turns the corner towards his and Jongin’s shared street. The boy is probably already at home now, doing whatever the he does. Chanyeol honestly doesn’t care. Despite the two being best friends for five years, all it took was one incident to ruin it all. And to think that Jongin was trying to help him win over Baekhyun, even when he was already in a relationship. Jongin probably knew, too. Bastard never told him anything.

 

Unconsciously, Chanyeol finds himself at the front door. It wasn’t his house, though. It was Jongin’s.

 

Chanyeol turns his head to his right, noticing a car parked in the driveway. Jongin’s parents are home.

 

What comes to your mind when you think of happiness?

 

The question he asked Kyungsoo rings in his head, echoing in his ears. For a brief moment, Chanyeol hears Jongin’s boisterous laughter. The kind that sounds like Jongin’s hiccupping, breathless; he kind where his eyes disappear into black moon crescents; the kind that has his entire teeth showing and the boy is literally about to faint.

 

Why didn’t you ask for them to explain themselves?

 

The door suddenly swings open, startling Chanyeol and the person behind it. He looked up to find Jongin’s mother standing in front of him. A surprised look is on her face, but it quickly shifts into a welcoming smile. Maybe she doesn’t know, Chanyeol thinks.

 

She opens the door wide, welcoming Chanyeol in. “Jongin’s in his room, if you want to talk to him.” He continues to stand outside. The sound of jingling keys snaps Chanyeol out of his haze, realizing that the door is wide open for him.

 

Jongin’s mother steps out, patting the boy on his shoulder. “I have to buy some groceries. Please close the door and lock it once you're in.” A sigh, but a smile still on her lips. “My son continues to forget.” She chuckles, and Chanyeol can’t help but follow. He knows Jongin never locks his door. Not the house’s door, bathroom’s door, or even his own.

 

Chanyeol hears a car engine start up, and turns around when he hears the car horn. Jongin’s mother waves goodbye to him, a smile on her face. His mother is beautiful,Chanyeol thinks as he watches her back up from the driveway.

 

One moment, Chanyeol’s standing outside of their house, eyes still on the street. The next moment, he’s inside their house, door shut and climbing up the stairs. And another moment is when he’s standing in front of Jongin’s room, hand on the handle of the door. A twist of his wrist, and the door opens slowly.

 

Before Chanyeol can even register what he did, Jongin lies on his bed motionless, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t even sit up at the sound of his door opening. Chanyeol just stands there, watching Jongin lie on his bed. The only sound heard isn’t even their breathing, but the ticking of Jongin’s clock. It’s almost deafening in the silence.

 

No one moves a muscle, not bothering to speak up due to their lack of energy. Chanyeol continues to stand, while Jongin remains on the bed, both motionless. He hasn’t the slightest clue what made his legs lead him towards Jongin’s home, more so his room.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Jongin’s voice shatters the silence and breaks Chanyeol out of his trance. For a second, he thought he must have imagined it. When he looked at Jongin, the boy hasn’t moved in the slightest. It’s as if time is completely frozen for the both of them.

 

Not wanting to leave the question unanswered, Chanyeol mutters, “I don’t know.”

 

Silence quickly overcomes the two once again, but now Jongin shuffles around the bed and leans on his elbows, sitting up. His skin that was a beautiful bronze looked grey, if possible. His lips were chapped and his eyes sunk in, dark circles underneath. He seems tired more than ever, and it hurts somewhere in Chanyeol’s chest to look at him like this.

 

Strange thing is that Jongin’s room isn’t a mess at all; it’s nearly spotless from the last time he was here. This may be one of the few things Chanyeol may not know about Jongin, but it seems like he cleans whenever he’s troubled. His house was spotless when Chanyeol stepped in.

 

“Then leave.”

 

But Chanyeol doesn’t. Instead, he just continues to stand still, staring at Jongin with a blank face. As the silence goes by, Jongin feels his anger slowly boiling up. He can literally feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him. Chanyeol may be having an internal debate or whatever, but Jongin isn’t having any of it.

 

“Get out.” Jongin grumbles low, voice threatening to rise and scream at the boy in front of him. Seeing Chanyeol in front of him pisses him off to no end.

 

“I hate you so much, Kim Jongin.” Chanyeol blurts out. Before Jongin can say anything, he immediately continues. “We’ve been friends for years, but you pull this kind of on me.” Chanyeol stands his ground. “You’ve known that I’ve been trying to win over Baekhyun for the entire year, and I even ask you, his close friend, for advice. But no,” He crosses his arms, “You decide to trick me into thinking you two were dating. That is just sick.”

 

Jongin fully sits up from his bed, back hunched as he tries to think of some way to clear things up. He doesn’t know if their friendship could be saved at this point. It’s either rise or fall, heaven or hell.

 

“You’re right, it totally is ing sick of me. I’m sorry—”

 

Chanyeol interrupts. “Sorry? Do you honestly think sorry is going to cover this all after I found out everything?”

 

“Chanyeol, let me finish—”

 

“I just found out even Kyungsoo lied to me! You, Baekhyun, and even Kyungsoo were tricking me. How long were you going to keep this away from me, huh?”

 

“Shut up and—”

 

“No, I won’t shut up because I honestly feel manipulated by you right now. I’ve done so many things for you, and this is what I—”

 

“For s sake, shut up for once!”

 

Chanyeol does.

 

Jongin runs a hand through his hair, in a hiss of breath as he wills his anger to keep at bay. “Yes, I ing lied to you about Baekhyun and I being in a relationship. Yes, the three of us have been keeping it a secret about them being in a relationship. And do you know why?”

 

Why don’t you ask for them to explain?

 

“First of all, I did it to protect your ing feelings. But what do I know about that when you’ve been so oblivious to all the things I’ve done to get noticed by you, even if I’m your best friend. Don’t you ever wonder why I was being a to you this entire year? How I’m so quiet around you and Baekhyun?” Jongin doesn’t let Chanyeol answer, “No, no you ing don’t because you are so blind by your crush on Baekhyun.”

 

“Jongin,” Chanyeol starts out slowly, “I do wonder about you and it worries me, okay? But you are so ing rude whenever I try to ask you what’s wrong and you just push me away.” His voice steadily climbed with each word. “And maybe if you just tried to tell me what’s making you upset we wouldn’t have ended up like this!”

 

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do, you idiot! I’ve been trying to get your damn attention away from Baekhyun but no, your attention is always on him! Even when we’re at my house, you just have to bring him up when we’re talking about something that is not at all related to him!”

 

“You should have told me he was in a ing relationship, then!”

 

“Do you think I want to deal with your bull cries about Baekhyun without even thinking about how I feel? It’s always about you, you, you. Never about me, your best friend.”

 

“For the last time, I’ve been trying to ask how you feel but you just keep on pushing me away! I’m not the one at fault here, you are, Kim Jongin! You kept Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s a relationship a secret from me instead of telling me the truth. You ing put on a show with Baekhyun that day; do you want to know how I felt? I felt empty and numb; I didn’t feel a damn thing. But I still cried; I ing bawled my eyes out because my best friend and my crush were making out on the bed of his house. I’ve been lied to and manipulated, and you’re putting the blame all on me.”

 

“What about you? Don’t you ever think about how I feel while you were planning all this out? It’s not just about me, but it’s also only about you, Jongin. What else have you been hiding from me?”

 

No immediate reply came. As the seconds went by, Chanyeol felt himself growing hot from anger. Just as he was about to say something, Jongin opened his mouth.

 

“That I like you.” Chanyeol’s blood ran cold. “I said I’ve been doing this for your attention, Chanyeol, because you never noticed me anymore. Ever since I introduced you and Baek, I’ve been like the third wheel.” Jongin’s voice was steady, but his breathing trembled. “I mean, we’re best friends, right? But I don’t know why I like you more than that, and it’s ing terrible and I hate it.” A bitter laugh escaped from Jongin’s lips.

 

Chanyeol didn't know how to respond at all. Having his best friend, who seemingly manipulated him and others just to get his attention, confess to him renders Chanyeol speechless.

 

But Chanyeol already heard himself talking.

 

"Kyungsoo asked what was the first thing that comes to mind when I think of happiness." Jongin stares up at him, an unreadable expression on his face. "I thought of you.”

 

“I don’t know how or why, but I guess it’s reasonable since we’re best friends. I mean, I thought of your laugh and your smile and how ing ugly you look but still manage to look—” Chanyeol didn’t know which word to use. “-great.”

 

Jongin glared at Chanyeol. “And what the hell are you going on about?”

 

“Let me finish. Jongin,” Chanyeol slowly started to approach his friend, “You’re my best friend, and I love you. But I don’t love you like that. I care for you, and I care about what you feel. But I can’t see myself with you at all in the future in something more than this. First of all, you never really trusted to tell me so that’s why you pulled this . How am I supposed to know that I’m oblivious to what you feel? I’m not perfect, Jongin.”

 

He can see Jongin’s face grow stiffer as he rambles on, but he makes no moves of stopping. Chanyeol sits on the edge of Jongin’s bed, it dipping along with his weight. Jongin remains still.

 

“Second, I still find it sick of you to use Baekhyun like that. You know that I have a crush on him, but you never told me about his relationship. Trust, Jongin. That’s key to a relationship. I mean, Kyungsoo trusts you and Baekhyun, but look at where it’s gone.”

 

Tears well up in Jongin’s eyes and Chanyeol feels the pain in his chest. “Okay, I ing get it.”

 

“As cheesy as this sounds, you make me so happy, Jongin. But I can’t be your lover, or some like that. I just can’t. We’re only supposed to be best friends—”

 

“I said I ing get it!” Chanyeol, taken aback but his friend’s outburst, effectively shuts his mouth. Jongin inhales shakily, closing his eyes. “I ing get it, Chanyeol.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Is the only thing he can say right now.

 

Jongin scoffs. “I’m the one who is ing sorry. But, just— just leave.” Jongin doesn’t look at Chanyeol in the eyes. “Please.”

 

Wordlessly, Chanyeol lifts himself off the bed. His eyes never leave Jongin’s still figure. There are so many words Chanyeol wants to say, but he doesn’t know what they are. It’s frustrating, really, wanting to say something — anything — but not knowing what to say.

 

“Jongin,” Chanyeol says ever so softly, “I’m still here for you. I’m still your best friend.”

 

Jongin says nothing, and Chanyeol takes this as his cue to leave as much as he hates it. Even when Chanyeol is already at the door, his best friend (does he still deserve to call him that?) doesn’t move an inch or spare a glance at him. It’s heartbreaking to see Jongin, the one that laughed along with Chanyeol until they were out of breath; the Jongin that also manipulated people around him for a selfish act; the Jongin that did that just for attention from his so-called best friend, in such a sad state. Chanyeol leaves Jongin’s room, just in time as his mother returns from the market. He greets her and asks if he may help, but she politely denies and waves him off as he exits their house and walks towards his own.

 

When he steps into his own house, it’s lively as usual. His sister and parents are in the kitchen, making dinner or lunch, Chanyeol doesn’t bother asking. All he does is greet them quietly as he makes his way up the stairs to his own room. Memories of when he and Jongin laughed, played, and talked when they were younger flashed in his mind. It used to be their room. But now, it’s Chanyeol’s solitude.

 

He throws himself on the bed, burying his face into the pillows. There are no tears that can be shed, because all Chanyeol feels is emptiness and another thing.

 

Guilt.

 

Guilt is what he feels the most. One, for ignoring his best friend like this for the attention of Baekhyun, who just happened to be in a relationship. Two, never really asking what was wrong or trying hard enough to understand. And three, not returning Jongin’s feeling, ignoring them, even.

 

Chanyeol knows he shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but the unreadable expression that was on his friend’s face makes Chanyeol feel even worse.

 

Things will improve with time.

 

Hopefully.

 

—

 

During the first few weeks since Chanyeol’s visited Jongin’s home, the two have distanced from each other. They barely say a word to each other, only occasionally speaking over assignments in class. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo have definitely noticed the change in each other’s behavior, and decided to approach the two in different ways a month later.

 

Jongin and Sehun have started to talk more often when Baekhyun forced the two to sit next to each other during lunch, while Chanyeol and Jongdae have been talking more often thanks to Kyungsoo. Thanks to Jongdae’s beaming personality and interests, Chanyeol felt like his old self again, even if he felt like there was something missing. Slowly, Baekhyun and Chanyeol began to talk to each other once again, despite it being awkward the first few days since they approached each other.

 

But even with the smiles and laughs being shared on the last week of school before summer break, Chanyeol notices something. Amongst the shared touches between Baekhyun and Kyungsoo that he grew used to, and the teasing comments made by Jongdae, Chanyeol sees something bright.

 

It’s not that the lunch room isn’t bright at all — it’s blinding in here, really — but it’s a different kind of brilliance that stands out in the cafeteria. His gaze wanders to the very end of the lunchroom, next to a corner that appears to be poorly lit. It’s a familiar spot; that is the very spot where Jongin and Chanyeol had their first lunch together in high school, not knowing anyone with the same lunch period as theirs. It stayed that way for the remainder of their freshman year.

 

But now, Chanyeol knows what the shining light that caught his eyes.

 

It was Jongin’s smile.

 

A genuine smile, one that Chanyeol hasn’t seen for weeks, no, months at this point. Next to Jongin sits Sehun, smiling almost as brightly like Jongin. The two are laughing about something on their phone. Chanyeol can tell with the way the two look down into their laps. The two sit close with each other, their arms touching as they continue to watch whatever is on their phone. Moments later, Jongin leans his head onto Sehun’s shoulder, mumbling something to the boy as they continue to stare at the device.

 

In all honesty, Chanyeol is glad to see Jongin happy again.

 

But it kind of hurts seeing that he isn't the reason this time. Then again, he is mostly the reason why Jongin has been through so much, including himself.

 

--

 

On the last day of school, Jongin and Chanyeol finally talk.

 

"I'm going to be away this summer break. Sehun's family invited me to their vacation home in Germany."

 

Chanyeol is mildly shocked. "Germany? That's pretty far."

 

An awkward laugh escapes Jongin's lips. Chanyeol hasn’t heard it since their first few weeks prior to meeting each other in middle school. It’s been so long.

 

"Yeah, it is."

 

"So you and Sehun grew close." Real close.

 

"I guess."

 

Silence took over their conversation. The two stood outside of the gym room, backs leaning against the wall. Though the two are alone, Chanyeol can't help but feel that someone is nearby, even if school was announced over thirty minutes ago.

 

Chanyeol begins to make his leave, having enough of the silence. It's suffocating.

 

"Wait."

 

Chanyeol does.

 

"I still think of you as my best friend, Chanyeol."

 

A pause.

 

"I think of you as mines too, Jongin."

 

"Please," Jongin walks towards him, right behind him. "Please, let's keep in contact. Email me, text me. Hell, start over four months before if you wanted to." He said all in a flurry. "I miss talking to you."

 

Chanyeol replies without hesitation. "Okay."

 

Jongin's eyes brighten up. "Really?"

 

"Yeah. Don't worry about giving me your number or anything; I still have it saved."

 

Suddenly, Jongin turns Chanyeol around and gives him a bone-crushing hug. He buries his face into the juncture between Chanyeol's neck and shoulder.

 

"Thanks, really." He whispered, voice muffled.

 

Chanyeol doesn't hug back, but only pats him instead. "When do you leave?"

 

Jongin pulls back, smiling. Chanyeol can't tell if it's genuine or not. "Week after today, so Saturday next week."

 

Chanyeol puts on a fake smile. "I'll email you and stuff, okay?"

 

Jongin nods. "Yeah, I'd like that."

 

--

 

They do keep in contact, but everything drops after the day Jongin arrives in Germany with Sehun. Chanyeol sent a few emails on that day, but only got a message of apology days later. He stopped trying then.

 

--

 

A month into summer vacation, Chanyeol browses the internet on the day he's free from hanging out with Jongdae, Kyungsoo, and Baekhyun. Things felt like they returned to normal once summer vacation started.

 

He manages to remember his Facebook password, and finds photos of Germany all over his timeline. Chanyeol, curious about his friend, clicks on Jongin's profile.

 

For the past week, photos of him and Sehun are the only things visible. Whether it be a plant, the sky, or some fancy building, Sehun is either mentioned or in the photo.

 

Just then, he sees that he has changed his relationship status to 'In a relationship - with Oh Sehun'

 

It was posted on Saturday, marking it two weeks since Jongin left.

 

The status before surprises Chanyeol.

 

It was posted two days before his relationship status.

 

‘sometimes i wish i could forget the past and focus on the present’ — feeling regret

 

He just knows Jongin is talking about him.

 

An unsettling feeling in the back of Chanyeol’s mind tells him that things could have gone better before.

 

Chanyeol feels nothing.