Self-inflicted pain. Absolute silence, darkness and hunger. I craved to feel it. And so I did. By now, it's the second day that I've been sitting in this darkness, in the room I share with Hongbin and Jaehwan-hyung. I've locked myself in, without food, without a spare thought for the rest. Suddenly, I became deaf, blocked out all other noises except silence. I liked it here, though. In this little world I made.

Whenever Hakyeon-hyung comes knocking on the door, threatening to open it, I leave him begging. Just by hearing the leader’s voice inflicted so much pain in me which I wanted to feel. And all the pain collectively made me want to die, but when I hear Leo hyung’s voice softly calling me, the pain disappears and I start to question why was I doing all that to myself. I never knew why, though. Why his voice had so much effect on me. It wasn’t like I had any feelings for him or something, his voice just does so, and I recover afterward.

That recovery, however, only lasted for a while. Occasionally, slips of paper will be passed through any space at the door. After a few notes, I realize who this comes from — Ravi hyung. The slips of paper were either newly written lyrics, songs from VIXX’s old songs or even words randomly written by Ravi himself.

“난 아이돌이라서, 또 연예인이라서, 니 손을 잡고 걸을 순 없지..”
Because I’m an idol, because I’m a celebrity, I can’t hold your hand when we walk.

“지금 이 노랜 널 위한 거야, 너를 사랑해..”
This song is for you, I love you.

“그댈 만난 후부터 할 일이 생겼죠.. 난 매일 매일 그대의 하룰 웃게 하는 일..”
After I met you, I found something to do, it is to make you smile all day, every single day.

“혼자서 외롭고 힘든날들우리 함께라면 두려울 게 없을거야.. 넘치고 넘쳐서 감당안될 일만 전부 줄거야..”
Lonely and hard days won’t be scary if we’re together. I’ll give you things that always overflow.

“Hyuk-ah, we are all doing well. We went out together to eat 불고기 and 삼겹살 at that restaurant you love. Hm, if only you followed us that night! I’m sure you would’ve ate the whole restaurant.”

“Hyuk, don’t mind Hakyeon-hyung.. He’s just, angry.”

In those letters, it was evident that Ravi made the effort to make me think everything was fine, but I knew it wasn't. I knew that VIXX was falling apart because of me. And I liked it. I wanted everyone to hate me, I really wanted to be alone. I wanted to die, but I made no effort to.

Maybe I really was that devil they call me. I feel like I was, anyway. “You guys made me into this.” I felt like saying that to everyone. I get comments and hate for bringing the group down, so here I am, bringing them further down. If I can’t prove how good I am, this is what I want to do. What happened to me? I don’t know.

I forgot.

There were times at 3-4 a.m. where I would go out of the room to get a drink, or something light to consume, I see Hongbin sleeping sitting up at the couch. And this happened every single night until one day, he wasn't asleep.

“Uwaa~ our Hyukkie!” Hongbin jumped up and walked toward me, and all I did was stare at him, looking at his eyes before looking away as soon as I saw pain. “Hyuk-ah there is ramen I cooked on the stove! Go take it~” he grinned happily, sounding proud.

However, I remained still with my expression, moved away and went to the kitchen. I simply took a small box of milk and went back in, slamming the door right at his face. Serves him right, I thought to myself.

An hour later, though, I could hear sobs coming from right outside my room more audibly. Definitely, it was Hongbin. I didn't know this until hours later in the morning Hakyeon hyung woke him up. “Hongbin-ah.. Stop doing this to yourself, hm?” I could see the shadows that Hakyeon was kneeling infront of Hongbin now.

It was silent for a while, but minutes later, I heard a moan so audible to my ears. Following that, I could hear Hongbin's back hitting against the door. Ouch.

All of a sudden, I craved. Badly. I wanted someone to torture me as much as /he/ could. By now, I was literally going crazy. I didn't know what to do anymore. Out of anger, I punched the chair so hard it fell against the window, causing a loud sound. I screamed, as loud as I could.

“H-Hyuk.. Hyuk ah..” Hongbin cried as soon as I screamed, banging on the door. “Hyuk listen to me please, Hyu— Yah Cha Hakyeon! Stop it, what the hell!” his voice shook.

I didn't know what the cause of that was. All I knew was the next moment, N shouted at him from being disrespectful, and afterward.. “Stop caring about Hyuk he’s not going to care, Lee Hong—” suddenly a loud slap could be heard, later on, drop dead silence followed by slamming of a door a few seconds later.

Was that Hongbin..? That slapped N?

I was making VIXX into something we're not, something they are not.

                                                                        ~~~

At 4am, I went out of the room, hoping Hongbin was out there, for some reason. And he was. Hongbin smiled as I got out and I merely stared at his face, contemplating if I should speak, or not. I was curious, though. “D-did you slap Hakyeon hyung..?” was all I could say. But man, I wish I could describe how relieved he looked like as soon as I spoke. “Hongbin..”

“Hyuk-ah,” his voice shook. “Do you want some food? There’s still ramen and—” he trailed off, and when I looked up he was in tears.

I froze there, dropping a dead gaze at him, not knowing what to do or say. I studied his red face, soon drenched in tears. I felt a pang in the heart, was this what I was doing to him? I thought for a while as I continue to stare at him. There was nothing I could do at that moment.

A part of me felt like running back in the room and hiding again. But the other part of me felt like staying out to comfort him. I couldn't stand the pain that I felt. It was still itching to be felt, so much I couldn’t even explain the feeling.

Within the next second, Hongbin pulled me close and smacked his lips against mine. I was in shock, and hardly could I react. Before he could pull away, though, I responded and pushed him against the couch. The rest was a blur.

, I couldn't recall what was happening but I only knew that only few minutes later I was , with him hovering above me, half-dressed. “H-hongbin..” I mumbled, pushing him slightly away. My head was in a daze, I didn't know what happened. And I didn't know what will happen, but he looked back with, as usual, eyes filled with pain.

“I'm sorry—” that was all he could say, and I didn't know what to do after. There was slight awkwardness for a few seconds before I got up, grabbed my clothes and ran back in the room; slamming the door. As soon as I slammed the door though, I could hear Leo’s soft voice talking out from outside. My heart that was racing just a while ago, was once again calmed down when I hear the sound of his voice.

“Lee Hongbin..? What were you doing?” Leo asked, obviously confused. I covered my ears as I crouch down, screaming all of a sudden, not wanting to remember anything from earlier, not caring if anyone heard.

The next thing I could hear is the main door being slammed shut and Leo hyung knocking on my door and calling out my name. There it was again, the pain I demanded to feel. Softly I asked, if anyone was outside with him, but as soon as he tells me that no one was, I let him in. And I didn't know why.

Silence filled the room, and he hugged me as he kneeled down on the floor — thankfully, though, I managed to change into my clothes before he came in. “Hyung..Hongbin..” I whispered almost inaudibly. But all I got as a reply was him shaking his head, and him telling me that he'll be fine.

Strangely enough, Leo didn't make any effort to talk me into getting out of the room, out of this state I am in. But I didn't question. He probably knew I'd hate talking about it.