“That’s a burger,” I noticed.

 

“I know,” she said, chewing.

 

“When did you start eating meat? You’re a vegetarian remember? Or did you forget?”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I only got a month or maybe even weeks to live. I might as well enjoy every second of it,” she shrugged. “Say, they don’t have food up there, right?”

 

“Bom,” I choked.

 

She scowled. “Oh, don’t you go all teary-eye up on me now.”

 

A week ago, Bom appeared in my dorm in high spirits. When she saw me, she immediately said, “I’m dying.”

 

She’s diagnosed with leukemia. She knew all along but she didn’t want to go through chemotherapy. “I love my hair,” she said. “Besides, I’ll die anyways. I prefer to die with my hair on. I don’t want to die ugly.”

 

I feel like I died when she said that. I cried a LOT that night. The funny thing was, she laughed at me for being a crybaby. She comforted me, hugged me and whispered soothing words that everything will be alright. I should be the one doing the comforting but I wasn’t able to do that. Our friendship’s like that. She’s always the stronger one, the fighter. I was the weak one. I just cried and cried all night.

 

“Have you told Jiyong?” I asked.

 

Her face fell. “No,” she whispered. “I don’t want my last memories with him to be all gloomy and sad. He’ll be sad when he finds out. I don’t want that.”

 

“He’ll eventually find out,” I pointed out. “And he has the right to know. He’s going to be your husband in just two days’ time, Bom.”

 

She laughed but it sounded hollow. “I never really wanted to get married. I don’t believe in stuff like that. It’s Jiyong’s dream to get married and build a family. It’s the least I could do for him.”

 

My heart gave a painful squeeze. How much pain can one person take? My bestfriend’s going to die and Jiyong will be devastated.

 

“I know you love Jiyong.”

 

I was brought up short with what she said. I guiltily looked away. Yes, I do love him. I’m pathetic, you see. He first approached me, befriended me. I thought he liked me but then it turned out that he was just trying to get close to Bom. When I found out about it, it was too late. I already fell in love with him. But who would fall in love with me? I’m the opposite of Bom – the envy of every girl. She’s the outgoing one while I’m more of the passive type. She’s very bold and I’m a conservative, name all the opposites.

 

“There’s no use denying it, Dara.”

 

I looked at her. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

 

She laughed. “Don’t be. It’s hard NOT to fall for him anyways.”

 

“It’s not funny,” I grimaced.

 

“You’re very pessimistic,” she rolled her eyes. “Anyways, I want to ask you a favor, more of a dying wish, actually.”

 

“Please don’t ask me to follow you up there,” I tried to joke. She laughed heartily.

 

“No,” she chuckled. “It’s far from that. But you have to promise to fulfill it.”

 

I hesitated but then decided to agree. “I promise”

 

“Yay!” she cheered. “You’re really the best!”

 

“So what do you want me to do?”

 

“I’m afraid I can’t give everything Jiyong wants. I can only afford this marriage. I won’t be able to give him a child,” she seriously said. “I want you to give him that. Give him the family that he dreamed of.”

 

I stared at her in horror. “You’re sick!”

 

“I know,” she rolled her eyes. “No need to remind me.”

 

“How can you possibly think that I’ll . . . it’s horrifying! It’s unthinkable and it’s impossible!”

 

“You love him!’ she insisted. “It would be easy for you. Make him fall for you. I’ll haunt you forever if you won’t fulfill your promise. YOU already gave me your word, Dara.”

 

“Bom, you’re my bestfriend! I can’t betray you like that!”

 

“It’s not called betraying. I’m giving you my blessing.”

 

“I can’t. . .” I mumbled, shaking my head frantically.

 

“Yes you can.”

 

“Jiyong loves you Bom!” I cried out. “How do you expect him to fall for me?”

 

 “That’s easy,” she smugly winked. “Just start dressing like a girl or you can borrow my clothes.”

 

“Bom. . .”

 

“Hi girls!”

 

“Oh, speaking of my angel” she smiled. “Hi babe.”

 

They kissed. I looked away.

 

 “Hi Dara,” he greeted. I turned back to them and nodded. “Someone’s not in a good mood,” he chuckled.

 

“I’ve been telling her to start dressing more like a girl. It’s about time for her to have a boyfriend, don’t you think?” Bom playfully said, making me glare at her.

 

 

 

“Dara got her own charm. She’s pretty the way she is” Jiyong said. Bom and I exchanged quick glances. For a moment, I saw a shadow of jealousy in her eyes but then, she smiled and winked meaningfully at me. “Anyways, I saw this one on display while I was driving here. It reminded me of you so I bought it”

 

I stared at him, appalled. Again? “W-what?”

 

“Here,” he smiled and gave me a paper bag. I looked into it.

 

“What is it?” I heard Bom asked.

 

“Put it on. Let’s see if it looks good on you,” Jiyong said. I complied and pulled a cap out from the bag. The words BACK OFF! was written on it. I put it testily on my head.

 

“Back off?” Bom scoffed. “Here I am, trying to get her a boyfriend and you’re doing the opposite thing,” she turned to Jiyong, making him laugh.

 

“She gave me that impression when we first met,” he said. “And besides, she’s like my little sister already, I feel like I’m obliged to protect her.”

 

“I . . . I need to go to the comfort room,” I announced and stood up. I quickly turned around. I was five steps away when I heard Jiyong’s surprised voice calling for my bestfriend’s name.

 

~o~

 

“She has cancer.” Jiyong choked. “How did. . .? This isn’t happening,” he denied.

 

“Jiyong. . .” I softly called. He looked up. His face was all twisted in agony. I don’t know which is more painful – the fact that my bestfriend’s dying or seeing Jiyong being tormented like this?

 

“You don’t look surprise,” he whispered. “You knew. You knew, didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me!”

 

 “She didn’t want to tell you!”

 

“I’m your friend too, Sandara! Did you ever think of how I would feel?”

 

“Of course I did!” I burst out. “Why do you think I didn’t tell you? I know you’d be hurt!”

 

“I could have spent more time with her if you only told me! I could have stayed beside her! I couldn’t have left her side!”

 

“What can you do if I did tell you? What will your presence do? Will it prolong her life?” I cried. “You’re not the only one hurting here! She’s my bestfriend and I love her too! I’ve been living for a week with the thought that she’s going to die. Do you even know how torturous that is?”

 

I broke down again. Why am I so weak?

 

“I’m sorry if I was harsh,” he said thickly. “I don’t want to be rude or insensitive but I’d rather be with my girlfriend right now. She needs me more.”

 

He turned his back on me and walked away. No one will ever understand the pain I’m going through. It’s double torture for me to watch two of the most important people in my life suffering from pain. What’s worse is that I can’t even do anything to stop their suffering. I might as well die now, too.

 

I went to the hospital’s chapel and cried. It’s so unfair. Why Bom? Of all people, why her? Why not me? I don’t have that much to live for, anyways. I’m an orphan. I don’t have to worry about my parents. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have that much friends. Bom, on the other hand got so much to live for. She got her family, she had a lot of friends she had me and she had Jiyong.

 

So why her? Why not me? I think it’s only fair. If that’s the case, I’ll be happy living the world knowing that the two most special people in my life are happy and building their own family. There’s nothing but pain for me in this life, anyways.

 

Why not me?

 

~o~

 

The wedding was moved. Jiyong’s been cold to me. Bom was being her cheerful self. She told me she already accepted her fate so there’s no use dwelling in negativity.

 

“Is it true?” Jiyong confronted me in a corner.

 

“Is what true?” I asked back.

 

“That you’re in love with me?”

 

I felt my blood dropped to the floor. I tried to laugh the tension off. “Did Bom tell you that?”

 

“This,” he said, bringing up a folded paper, “told me everything.”

 

I instantly paled as I stared at Bom’s letter for me with wide eyes. I remember putting it on my pocket a while ago. It was Bom’s REMINDER letter to me.

 

“Is it true?!” Jiyong repeated. “Tell me!”

 

Seeing that I have no choice, I looked at him straight in the eyes. “Yes.”

 

“All this time, Dara?” he gritted, his veins popping out of his neck. “I trusted you! Why?! I’m your bestfriend’s boyfriend! You’re not supposed to fall for me, dammit! You betrayed Bom, you betrayed me!”

 

“I didn’t want. . .”

 

“Well it’s too late, isn’t it?” he hissed. “You’re a traitor!”

 

“How could you say that?” I cried. He suddenly snapped. He pushed me against the wall with both hands on either side of my head.

 

“Forget the promise you made because it will never happen!” he gritted again. “There’s no other woman that I want to be my children’s mother but Bom. Keep that in your selfish mind.”

 

He punched the wall, making me jump in my place. I closed my eyes and started crying. And then, it happened. There were footsteps and there’s this irritating sound echoing through the hall. I opened my eyes and found Jiyong wasn’t in front of me anymore. I looked around and saw people in white going to Bom’s room with Jiyong trailing behind them.

 

Oh no, my mind screamed. As my feet moved, I feel like I’m floating. I leaned against the wall in front of Bom’s room. My knees were trembling so hard. It was all weird. I can only see white.

 

“I’m sorry” I heard from somewhere. “But we did our . . .”

 

The remaining of the words were drowned by Jiyong’s scream and the cry of Bom’s parents.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Jiyong screamed again. “Tell me she’s not dead! She’s not dead!”

 

I feel like my heart stopped beating. I find it hard to breath. My body went numb. My knees can’t bear my weight anymore that I slid down the floor. Jiyong was still screaming; calling for Bom’s name in that agonized and desperate voice. If this was an ordinary day, I could have cried hearing him in so much pain like that. But no, the pain inside me was much worst; the screaming voice inside me was much louder than Jiyong’s scream.

 

She lied. Bom lied. My bestfriend lied. She said she still got a few weeks to live, not DAYS. She said WEEKS not DAYS. She lied to me. How could she lie to me? I’m supposed to be her bestfriend. She lied…

 

 “BOM!!”