There was a time when Tao used to call Jongin a cry baby. It was not because Jongin is, but the time they met each other Jongin happened to cry out his eyes in front of him. Tao, shocked and still new from all of the things happening in his life, ran inside the house and called for his mom. It didn’t change anything though, neither can understand each other. Confused and a bit reluctant, he followed his mom when they ushered the boy inside and sat in the couch, few inches away from him. To Tao, Jongin looked like someone who knew the previous occupants of the house for the moment they entered the living room, he only cried harder and had repeated the same words over again and again, Sehun, Sehun, Oh Sehun!

He tried to calm the boy down, but Jongin only flinched and cried harder and searched the whole house.

“Sehun! Sehun! Sehuuuuunnnn!” He wailed.

Tao followed him, frantically running inside. To Jongin, it’s the worst nightmare he could possibly have.

You see, Jongin grew up having two older sisters doting on him and Sehun’s the pale and timid boy from across the street. He doesn’t have any siblings and Jongin wished he had another sibling, a boy like himself to play toy cars with. Sehun’s mom was the one who started their little friendship when she knocked on their door and asked for a favor and look after Sehun. Jongin, being the little curious boy at his age, was standing beside his mom and openly stared at the boy hiding behind his own mother. It didn’t take him long to pull out all of his toys and have them scattered in the living room, where Sehun’s quietly watching the morning cartoons.

It was a little difficult, pushing Sehun out of his shell, but Jongin managed and all of his efforts paid off at Sehun’s first shy smile. Then, years after their inevitable friendship, Sehun said his goodbye. Jongin didn’t believe him at first, but the strangers inside Sehun’s house hit him hard. Sehun left no trace, not even the messy drawings they have taped against the walls of his room.

Tao didn’t dare the next step inside and instead, allowed the foreign lady rushing in his side to push past. She hugged the crying boy and when it looked like he stopped fighting, they bowed in apology and muttered them in broken English.

Honestly speaking, Jongin didn’t like the idea of someone other than him sleeping in Sehun’s room, but seeing the new boy walking in the hallways during lunch all alone made him think otherwise. The second time he knocked on the door and have no Sehun beaming at him, Jongin held his bag’s strap tighter and inhaled. He smiled at the same boy a little reluctant but reached out for his arm. They reached school within minutes and Jongin, feeling embarrassed on how he acted upon the other prior to their meeting, walked him to his class.

Still, Tao didn’t know his name, nor did they try to talk. They would walk to and from school together, eat lunch together, but never utter any words aside from whispered thank you. Tao must’ve been itching to ask him questions but Jongin figured the last time he heard the boy talk, it wasn’t Korean. The little nickname Tao gave him only stopped after months of them trying to walk on egg shells. It was not that Jongin knew of it, Tao didn’t out right called him anything vocally. But it sure brought shivers when Tao tried calling him by his name.

Jongin was a little ecstatic then. Having someone after Sehun was something Jongin really hoped to happen soon. They started with trying to guess what the other was conveying, until Tao finally managed his first complete sentence not in broken Korean. He helped him on, patiently explaining in easier ways the things Tao didn’t understand and before they knew it, Jongin found himself another Oh Sehun.

They were inseparable much like in his previous friendship. But Tao doesn’t take dance classes like Sehun did. He does, rather, wait for him. And on their way home, Jongin tells him all about Oh Sehun. Tao recognized the name, Jongin could tell, but he doesn’t say what he thought of Jongin in that one incident. Jongin sometimes wonders. They enjoy the small trips they make at the convenience store right across the open field while the sun glares down on them. On afternoons, Tao take naps in his bed while he rummages through his closet for the sleepover.

Their little friendship bloomed rather beautifully and in middle school, Jongin introduced Tao to Sehun in one of his emails.

Also, in his last year of middle school, he met Luhan, Tao’s cousin.

It was rather funny how it was like meeting Tao, only Jongin didn’t cry. He was confused though, seeing another stranger inside Tao’s house, inside Sehun’s old home. He asked of the person’s presence but the other boy answered him with his own question of Jongin’s existence. It was a bad first impression for them both, Jongin knew. Both glared daggers at each other until Tao made his appearance and made the introduction himself.

The glare didn’t leave their faces.

Apparently, Luhan’s going to be living with them and Jongin upon hearing this, begged Tao not to allow the other use Sehun’s old room. Luhan had scoffed at him and insisted for a reason. Jongin didn’t pay him any attention though, but he tells Tao that Sehun knows Tao and not Luhan. There’s no argument right after, it was settled right then and there. Tao’s mom understood Jongin completely.

Luhan probably didn’t understand what just happened but Jongin had no mind to make him do. He was set on playing that new game Sehun had told him a couple of days ago and with the break, him and Tao had the whole day to try and accomplish the first few levels. It was the perfect plan. They didn’t manage through the second level though. And Jongin put all the blame on Luhan for distracting Tao and annoying the hell out of him.

He accused the other for sitting beside Tao and asking him questions that distracted not just the latter but including him, also. Luhan only stuck his tongue out at him and sang his way up the stairs.

Jongin didn’t think he’d come to a point in his life where he’ll refuse to step another foot inside Sehun’s old house. If anything, he loved the cozy house just as much as his own and treats it as his second home. But having Luhan around that sees the fun in making him annoyed in every way possible, in every chance he sees, makes him decide for the better. Tao understands and hits his arm playfully, admitting that he really prefers Jongin’s bed than his own honestly. Jongin almost cried in relief.

Almost, he repeats sternly and stubbornly when Tao makes fun of it. At the end of the day, Tao tells him of his little nickname he gave Jongin when they first met. The pout that formed themselves in Jongin’s lips turned into a scowl at the sight of Luhan in his door steps. Fetching Tao was what he told them both, but Jongin swore he saw Luhan took a peek inside his house.

He prayed that the older would have it hard fitting himself in his new environment.

Every night was not enough it seems. Few more weeks after his arrival, Jongin saw Luhan playing soccer in the open field across the convenience store with some kids around his age. He recognizes Minseok when Tao dragged him to watch and boasted about his cousin’s awesome skills in the sport. Jongin doubts him, he knew Minseok personally. He taught Jongin the sport, encouraged Sehun when the latter can no longer run, and played hide and seek with them when they were much younger. Minseok knows how to play, Jongin is for sure.

But Luhan was determined not to embarrass his cousin when Tao started his little cheers of victory. Jongin hated to acknowledge the elder’s talent in the game. He purposely ran and hugged Minseok after the little game, praising the other for his fast footwork, as always. Luhan rolled his eyes at him muttering under his breath how it was obvious that it was his doing that made them win, the younger only glared right back.

“Jongin, I didn’t know you knew Luhan,” Minseok said, curious but amused.

“It’s not that I know him hyung, but he’s Tao’s cousin unfortunately.”

Tao chuckled and Luhan fought against himself to stay calm. Jongin was satisfied and strutted on their way home. He made sure to make a face at Luhan just to piss him off more while he hugged Tao goodbye. They both heard the slam of the door and Jongin cannot be more satisfied than he already is. Tao pinched his cheeks and wondered out loud if they will ever get along. Jongin answered him never at lightning speed.

He also ate them right back when there’s no one but Luhan to save him from his misery.

It happened when Tao, of all the days, caught a cold and couldn’t attend classes to survive another day at school together. Jongin was fine with it at first and made sure to visit the other after his dance class whether Luhan’s there or not. However, having Tao by his side all the time and being attached to the other to impossible possibilities made him feel down all day. It made him feel like that day he realized Sehun’s not there, sleeping in his room while the blinds are closed for the offending sun. Only that it felt greater.

Jongin, despite his outgoing personality, is actually someone who feels inferior to himself. Sehun was probably the only one who knew how insecure he is with his own skin. Perhaps, it was also the same reason why he still bothers with the emails. But Jongin knew, between them two, Sehun’s always been the strong one. And not having him there while he feels like the sun choose to ignore his presence and spare him some light made him think of unpleasant things about himself.

He was distracted throughout the day and during his dance class, he fell, badly. It was painful but Jongin didn’t cry. He endured and pretended that his ankle wasn’t crying for him as he sat in the corner. They offered him a ride home but he declined and lied that someone’s picking him up. He told them that one of his older sister’s on her way to pick him up just to make it more believable and sighed when everyone left.

Sehun wouldn’t leave him just like that, he thought as he sat alone. He knew how his sisters are stubborn and would much rather pick their magazines than pick him up. But Sehun wasn’t there and Jongin is once again hit with the reality of possibly not seeing him again. It hurt more than his ankle did, more than feeling alone again. But what Jongin didn’t know and only realized then, was how seeing Luhan all sweaty while he crouches down in front of him catching his own breath was more painful than everything combined.

Jongin knew he hated Luhan, and the latter just has to make Jongin hate him more than he ever could. Because after all the trouble he gave the older, Luhan still smiled at him and reached out his hand.

“C’mon, let’s get you home.”

Jongin didn’t mean to, but he still cried, pretty much like how he did when he met Tao. Luhan, surprised, ran to him and tried to calm him down. It brought Jongin to more tears instead, for Luhan reacted just like how Tao did and Tao’s not there when he should be but he’s got himself a cold and there’s no one else aside from him after Sehun had left. It’s the sad reality of Jongin’s life.

Luhan awkwardly hugged him in the midst of Jongin’s crying and his own frantic. Jongin would naturally flinch at other’s touch, others that is not family, but oddly enough, Luhan’s embrace felt comforting rather than intruding. Another thing he didn’t want to acknowledge against the older.

Jongin allowed Luhan to comfort him and laughed after everything settled down. Luhan pushed him, a little offended Jongin recognized, and playfully punched his arm as he asked what the hell was funny when he’s trying his best to be the most comforting hyung at the moment. Jongin said something along the lines of how Luhan looked so awkward but really, Jongin just wanted to say how he must’ve looked pitiful for the older. Because Jongin pities himself, therefore, thinks that it’s not hard for others to feel the same for him.

He wiped his tears with his hand and looked away when he realized that Luhan’s watching him amusedly. The elder’s eyes suddenly felt like prying and Jongin just really hates how Luhan looks like he wants to say something but never does.

“How did you know I’m still here?” So he asks him instead, trying hard to stop that look the older has.

“You always pass by the field on your way home and Tao’s sick so it isn’t really that hard figuring where you are when you should be at home instead.”

Jongin’s eyes turned into saucers, not really expecting something like that for an answer. He also didn’t expect himself getting on Luhan’s back when he flinched hard upon standing up. Nor did he think that the older was capable of lifting such weight all the way home, Jongin’s not particularly skinny and Luhan’s skinnier than him.

The unexpected events turned Jongin’s and Luhan’s relationship on good terms in such short notice that it left Tao astounded as the two converse comfortably sitting right next to each other the very next day. But it was gone as soon as possible, and instead, Tao launched himself on them both, coughing purposely just to annoy the two.

It started from there and grew further as the seconds turned into minutes and change into hours saying good night at the end of the day and greeting tomorrow with the same cycle on their clocks. And the second hand ticks nonstop. Just before Jongin started his high school, he opened a new document in his laptop and started typing all about Luhan. The email was sent at exactly ten sixteen in the evening to Oh Sehun.

High school for Kim Jongin went fine, although not entirely good. He made new sets of friends and grew particularly closer to Luhan than he had initially intended. It was also one of the main reasons he had made contacts with probably half of the school’s population, Luhan turned out to be the popular junior high school student when him and Tao was that new freshmen. Puberty had also been good to him and Tao, growing taller than their entire class and blooming into that person that can turn people’s head with just a glance.

The sudden onslaught of attention was a little bit awkward for Jongin at first but eventually got used to it, smiling more freely than ever. In between classes, he wonders if it’s the same for Sehun. Jongin asked him one time, but all Sehun said was how much he grew and still, remained shorter than Jongin by a few inches. Jongin comforted him in his reply, saying Luhan didn’t really grew much and thinks that the older might’ve stopped growing.

What he didn’t say was that, Luhan rather turned prettier than his entire girl classmates combined.

Jongin didn’t say a word to anyone either. And maybe, it was the reason why his high school didn’t turn out perfect as he ought it to be. If he hated Luhan before, Jongin wasn’t sure what it is anymore, why it would bother him if Luhan goes out with his friends on weekends instead of playing with him and Tao like any other day. It also turned to be difficult not glaring at all the overbearing friendly gestures the older receives from the girls they don’t associate with. Nor did he understand why Luhan’s touch gives him indescribable feelings that didn’t seem too unpleasant.

It turned stressful when prom came and Luhan left the house with his date that is not a girl. Tao wouldn’t blame him if he starts distancing himself with them, that was what he said. Luhan doesn’t really label himself, he explained, but his friends knew and nothing really changed. Jongin asked why but didn’t bother hearing the answers.

He did, however, bothered himself thinking whether how he should act around the older after what he’d learned.

The look of panic started revealing themselves in his eyes whenever Luhan grabs his hands, so the older stopped touching him after the second incident. The time spent together slowly went quicker than the other days, Luhan had seemed to caught on immediately, excusing himself out of the room even before Jongin can leave. And weekends are then spent sleeping alone rather than playing games together. Tao didn’t say anything and just went on with Jongin, but the latter knew that look of disappointment in Tao’s eyes when he thinks Jongin’s not looking.

It hurt, because along with it, Jongin started realizing things with a clear view.

Then, the night before Luhan graduates, Jongin sat himself in front of them two all fidgety and nervous. The length of his apology was not planned but somehow, words wouldn’t stop and Jongin felt the swirling of emotions getting ahead of him and then, he’s crying again. He goes on, explaining himself between wiping his cheeks, turning his apology into his own confession.

“I don’t know how to deal with these. I don’t know how, I can’t really understand why Luhan-hyung affects me so much. Tao says you don’t label yourself but then, what does it make me? When people say that girl is beautiful, I’ll secretly think you’re more beautiful. If she has soft hands, it reminds me how yours are like a baby’s skin. I think of you more than I should and it doesn’t really make sense because I’m trying hard not to. But then you started getting closer to that guy since prom and it really pisses me off. I don’t think I have anyone that I like now, but when I think of you, it tells me otherwise.”

The looks on their faces were a mixture of pure shock and utter disbelief, before they morphed into seriousness. Luhan was the one who opened his mouth. Jongin’s apparently just going through a phase in his life, he explained carefully. The only reason why he’s feeling all of it was because of his jealousy. He was used to Luhan’s undivided attention before they went to high school, and when they discover new things in their new environment, he felt threatened with it.

It still doesn’t make sense, Jongin argued.

However, Luhan insisted that it does make perfect sense and left them two alone. Jongin watched him leave and turned to Tao to repeat what he had said. The latter only sighed and patted his shoulder. They felt heavy against him.

But Jongin was sure that he did make perfect sense, because after Luhan graduated, there’s no one that interested him more than the latter did. And it only intensified when college came and to his great amusement, he landed on the same dorm room as Luhan’s. He was welcomed with a scowl though, that turned into a sigh after a minute of just staring at each other.

Jongin really didn’t thought of rooming with Luhan, he even prayed that he’d land with Tao instead. But Tao was three doors from his room with some guy named Chanyeol and standing right in front of him was his best friend’s cousin that had gone missing for two years. He tried smiling and greeting the older like he used to, paid extra attention not to overwhelm the other. But as the day started getting longer, it turned out to be an impossible task. Luhan had glowed more, if it was possible. His hair has gone longer and in a shade of blond, his jaw line, a lot prominent than he had remembered. Jongin had suddenly asked if changing rooms would still be possible.

He was dismissed though. Luhan assured him that nothing weird will happen inside while they’re together. That Jongin is safe. But Jongin didn’t know what to feel about that, however, he’s sure there’s a little disappointment at how Luhan treated him. It was as if the latter forgot they were friends in the first place and was set on feeling like enemies instead, if the cold shoulder is anything to go by, and even if they didn’t really started on the right track, Jongin knew that at least they were never hostile towards each other. Perhaps, if Jongin hadn’t realized things then, he wouldn’t feel the ugly shivers running in his spine.

Tao said to give it time. Jongin wondered how much more time, because he’s sure it wasn’t just a phase anymore. It’s been two years and still, Jongin can feel that churning in his stomach at the mere sight of Luhan, and weeks since they started rooming together, it’s driving him crazy, he whined, diving in Tao’s bed, face first. Tao sighed and shoved him aside.

“Just give him more time and I promise to talk to him. But promise me Jongin, that you’re sure of what you said. I do treasure our friendship as much as I treasure my cousin.”

“I’m certain, Huang Zitao.”

So Jongin gave Luhan the time Tao asks for him. He didn’t bother him much, getting up early to avoid bumping on their way to the bathroom, and only coming back after dinner. There are inevitable instances that they’d exchange words but in between those moments, Jongin tried hard not to face the older. He spent most of his free time in Tao’s bed while the latter solved for his math problems. Sometimes he asks about Luhan and Tao answers him carefully. Other times, he lounges in the library, pretending to read for his next class and not secretly watching Luhan play on the field across.

Eventually, it just felt right. The distance they have didn’t felt awkward compared to before. And Jongin started wondering if he’s been wrong all along. He spent his literature class thinking of the possibility of him losing interest with Luhan that he almost didn’t recognized the tuft of blond head sitting three rows across from him if the said head hadn’t turned around. Jongin didn’t waste another second when the class was dismissed and rushed forward, tackling the boy into the biggest hug he could offer. Everyone was looking at them but he couldn’t be bothered.

No one really matters whenever Oh Sehun is near and Jongin is still in shock as they stand staring at each other with Sehun grinning at him. He only got out of it when the latter pinched his side and he had to bend because that hurt. But it didn’t stop him from hugging the boy once again smiling throughout the day that had Sehun staying as far away from him as he could manage.

It was the first time Jongin went straight back to his room, dragging Sehun with quick steps that he forgot about Luhan. But Jongin was more ecstatic with Sehun’s sudden appearance after years that Luhan’s matter seemed to be not appropriate at all. He only made a small introduction, just names and the other two already knew. He pulled the younger one into his bed and sat in front of him, grinning like an idiot. And then he’s hiding his face in Sehun’s shoulder, ashamed that the latter has to see him crying out of happiness. If Sehun felt the patch of damp fabric against his skin, he didn’t say.

They did nothing but talk of stories that they seem to have forgotten to include in their emails. Sehun’s parents remained in the country side when Jongin had asked and that he’s been sitting in the same class since day one but Jongin seemed to not notice him until then. Jongin apologized, bewildered, but Sehun only laughed, saying he didn’t changed that much, still the same boy that do not paid attention to his surroundings and all. Jongin said the same thing, that he’s still the first to make Jongin aware of the things he’s not aware himself.

At dinner, Jongin pulled Sehun with him, excited to finally introduce his two best friends with one another. He spotted Tao quickly, his height being the advantage. He poked on the latter’s cheek and beamed happily as Tao turned to his attention. He made hand gestures all the while introducing them both, causing Sehun to laugh at the eccentricity of it all. Jongin pouted but was soon replaced by a smile gentler than he had all day, sneaking his arms in theirs. Tao looked curiously at him but Sehun only ruffled his hair.

Jongin thought Sehun would be the biggest distraction he needed, what with him also getting along with Tao. It’s beyond perfection Jongin had deemed, the three of them connected easily and effortlessly. But as Jongin started coming back to his room again in the afternoons, the matter with Luhan also made its come back. He started noticing the group of friends the older had formed with, and not long after he was also acquainted to them. But unlike before where he was known as the clingy best friend of his cousin, Jongin is reduced to just the roommate.

It did hurt a little, especially with the curious stare Jongdae had on him. Jongin couldn’t pinpoint what it was that irks him whenever they hang-out in the room, it was not that they were particularly noisy but perhaps it was the times Luhan speaks in his mother tongue with the tallest among his friends. They looked intimate from his opinion and Jongin might have taken into mind what Luhan had said before about his jealousy. Still, it didn’t justify how he’s entirely fine whenever Sehun and Tao spend a day without him. Or how he’s not mad at all if Tao goes on his way to his other friends, neither does he feel threatened when Sehun makes small talks with some of their classmates that looked interested with him.

With his head aching, he left the room and knocked on Sehun’s door. He sighed and started telling all about Luhan that Sehun hadn’t known of.

“Aren’t you disgusted with me, Sehun? I like a guy, not a girl.” Jongin asked, dejectedly.

To his surprise, Sehun had hugged him and said, “You can’t choose who you like, Jongin.”

Jongin must’ve been seeing things but he was certain that Sehun’s eyes were a bit red when he let go. He was also certain on one thing, that having Sehun in flesh was far better than reading his letters.

He came back a little late after dinner and just stared at Luhan’s sleeping figure from the opposite bed with Sehun’s voice cycling in his head. It wasn’t a mistake, he was for sure. Luhan treated him well before and even if they aren’t really on good terms anymore, Jongin knew the latter waits for his return every day. He had seen the uneasiness in Luhan’s face when Sehun came. Jongin never really wondered about these small things, not wanting to give himself false hopes. But with Kris in the picture, it suddenly felt like that Luhan’s really slipping from him without him even trying.

It was also not like Jongin didn’t tried, but the idea of it and the action itself, weighed differently. He can prepare all the possible things that can sweep Luhan off his feet, say all the cheesiness until they’re both embarrassed of it. But Jongin couldn’t even come closer to the older without feeling unwelcomed. Luhan seemed to have hated him with passion and Jongin couldn’t think of anything better than to not act on his ideas in order to avoid worsening the situation.

Because as Luhan had already said, nothing will happen. Despite the efforts he could put on it, Luhan wouldn’t reciprocate, Jongin admitted to himself, Luhan made it quite obvious. And with a bitter laugh, he fell asleep. Only to wake up to Luhan’s voice, speaking on the phone, with Kris early in the morning. This is punishment for all of the wrong doings he’s done in his life, he assumed. Because as the days goes on, Kris became an apparent person in their life. He spends all of his free time in their room. Never a day did Jongin saw Luhan without the taller.

Maybe it was the insecurity he feels with himself that made him spent the rest of his night with Tao. Kris was born perfect, he can never compete, he voiced out, refusing to look at his friend in the eyes because Jongin has a feeling that he’ll end up crying and he’d promised Tao that he wouldn’t cry in front of him again. However, Tao begged to differ, Jongin’s just as perfect in his eyes. Jongin laughed, asking his friend to stop the mockery.

Tao said Luhan’s the one who had said them.

Jongin didn’t really caught any sleep and dragged himself to his classes, feeling exhausted more than ever. He wished Tao didn’t have to say them with such seriousness, maybe then he can laugh at it. But it was said in a tone that cannot be questioned and it just made everything a lot harder for him. He’s beyond confused, torn at what to believe. Nothing’s clear, other than the kiss Luhan left in Kris’ cheek right when he returned.

He coughed awkwardly and walked straight to his bed, dumping his bag before running for the door, dismissing the apologetic smile Kris has. There’s nothing he should be sorry for, he thinks as he run straight to the soccer field, stopping just before his knees gave in. He tried catching for his breath but something big was locked up inside him, preventing him from properly regulating his air intake. He wished Sehun was there, or Tao, but Jongin thinks he didn’t want them at the same time, too, or he might’ve just turn into a big mess. Jongin wanted to be free instead, if only for a moment, if only for that moment. He just wanted to lay on the field and think of tomorrow. But he couldn’t with the sun bidding him goodbye and the sky crying in the hue of orange. It looked sad, or probably he’s the one.

There are a lot swimming in his head, but oddly enough, he wasn’t crying. No, Jongin doesn’t feel like crying. Rather, he feels apologetic for himself. For liking the same and being rejected after denying the truth about his preference. It was hard enough coming into terms with his feelings, and having them unrequited, Jongin just really feels sorry for what he had become.

When Jongin returned, Kris was nowhere to be seen. But Luhan’s there, sitting in his bed with a book in hand. Jongin paid him no mind, he grabbed a new set of fresh clothes from his dresser and closed the bathroom door. After he had finished, he slid in his bed and turned the other way around. He didn’t close his eyes though, they just stared at the wall with nothing really in mind. But as Luhan got up for the dinner he’ll be skipping, he shut them to open his mouth.

“You know hyung, last night, Tao said something. And it almost made me believe. But then you go again and make me think otherwise. I guess you don’t really want to give me a chance. But I’ll still say it, just in case. I like you hyung, and maybe I’m starting to like you more than I should.”

He fell asleep rather quickly with the stillness, and in the morning, he ate two portions of his supposed breakfast. At lunch, he refused to let go of Tao and they both hunted for Sehun. In the afternoon, they crashed in Sehun’s dorm room, smiling sheepishly at Baekhyun as the older leave for his part time at the little bakery just outside the university. They lied down in bed with their feet planted on the floor to fit themselves and just talked. In the middle of it all, Jongin told them both what he had seen.

His two best friends remained silent, both having the same concern in their eyes. He assured them that he’s fine but they still hugged him close. Jongin laughed, hitting the two for acting weird when secretly he wanted to thanked them both. The concern is very much appreciated, he had told them afterwards.

Then, he came back to pretending that Luhan wasn’t in the room with him. He goes out when the older comes back with Kris, and sleeps until Luhan is out for the morning.

One night, months after that incident, Luhan actually asked for a talk with Jongin. It came as a surprise, Luhan has never been the one to approach him since they started living together, but Jongin thought that maybe he can have all the answers he needed from the older once and for all. So he said yes and they sat in their respective beds facing each other. Jongin has a clear view of Luhan’s nervous habits he had picked from the earlier years. It made him wonder why.

“Jongin, do you still like me?” He asked.

Jongin had shrugged, “I guess?”

“You need to answer me,” Luhan insisted, annoyance already visible in his tone.

“What do you want me to say?”

“The truth.”

“But you already know the truth.”

Luhan sighed, “Jongin, please, just… answer me and this will be over. Do you still like me?”

“Why does it matter now hyung? It didn’t before right? We should all just pretend like that,” Jongin had his arms crossed over his chest and an eyebrow higher than the other one.

“Don’t be like that, we’ve left this issue behind for far too long. We need to sort it out,” Luhan tried on a gentler voice, coaxing the stubbornness out of Jongin despite the obvious lack of patience.

“No, hyung. You need to sort out.”

“I know! But I don’t know how unless you help me out. So please, answer it. Do you still like me?”

“No,” he uncrossed his arms and breathed. “I love you.”

Luhan looked beyond troubled. He closed his eyes and sighed multiple times. Again, Jongin felt sorry for himself.

“I left China not because of what you initially thought. My parents caught me red handed, kissing this boy named Yixing. They were enraged and despite of the one-child policy my country has, they still threw me here.”

“Your parents must’ve been shocked by then hyu–”

“No, Jongin, you don’t get it. They disowned me after realizing that I like boys than girls. They didn’t let me explain myself and instead cut all the ties to their only child.”

“How about Tao? Isn’t he family?” Jongin relaxed his muscles upon hearing the truth.

“Tao wasn’t really family. He’s a friend from home that has the heart to help me out.”

“It doesn’t change anything.”

“It should change everything! Jongin, I can’t have you experiencing the same thing I did. You wouldn’t want to wake up knowing that your family’s disgusted with you. And you wouldn’t want to see families together with your eyes and not be jealous because you don’t have one anymore. Because I know you would do everything just to have them back, I’d do, too. But it’s not like I have a choice. I can pretend but not for long.”

And then, Jongin frowned. “If you can’t pretend for long, then why didn’t you give me a chance?”

“I told you already.”

“No hyung, what you said were all excuses. Tell me, why can’t you give me a chance?”

Luhan had smiled, one that broke not only the owner but also the recipient on the other bed, “Because I like you enough not to take you away from that home of yours.”

The night ended with them two not eating anything. Luhan excused himself, walking out of the room after a minute of silence. Jongin allowed himself to think back that one time he opened his house door to Luhan’s presence. The older back then looked excited and curious, but there was longing when he peeked inside, he realizes belatedly, years too late. Jongin wondered, as he pulls the cover off his bed, how Luhan managed the loneliness he described.

He went for Tao, a couple of days after, still troubled. Luhan’s barely came back to their room and Jongin felt like taking everything away from the older just by sleeping there. Kris coming a few times to take clothes for Luhan slapped him hard. He asked Tao if it was really necessary, if his fake cousin has to do it. Because Jongin’s sure he’s unwanted.

“You aren’t. Believe me, Jongin. But you need to consider what had happened with him. It was a painful experience he doesn’t want you to have. Luhan-hyung wants you more than anyone, but he also wants you to live a normal life. He’s trying so hard for you.”

But Jongin thinks that nothing has been normal since that time Sehun went away. He’s been left too easily and he forgave too easily. Tao’s appearance might’ve been the reason he didn’t really held a grudge against Sehun. And he might’ve done the same with Luhan, knocking some sense in Jongin’s head.

Still, Jongin couldn’t hold himself back when Luhan returned and there’s nothing else to do than trap the older and hold him close. He’s suddenly reminded of that time Luhan hugged his troubles away and Jongin wished time had stopped then.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t know what you’re going through or what you went through, but I also cannot stop. You don’t have to like me back, I won’t force you. But just, just come back and just let me have you that way.”

Luhan didn’t willingly came back, no. Kris was dragging him when the taller opened the door. Jongin was surprised to see them but he’s happy enough to thank the older as he leave the room. Going back to what they’ve turned into would be impossible, Jongin knew. But he decided that he’ll endure at least that. If only he can have Luhan sleeping close by, he’d go through all the silent treatment.

When he spotted Tao and Sehun, he told them what happened and his resolved. He received encouragements and the rest of his day was filled with contentment. However, Jongin bitterly thinks that it’s his karma for asking so much from Luhan when he returned to the sight of the older half and desperately unbuckling Kris’ belt loops. At least Kris has a mixture of horrified and shame on his face when they’ve noticed his frozen presence, at least, he has the decency.

“Was it really necessary?” He started, dejectedly staring right at Luhan’s unfazed countenance. “I said you didn’t have to like me back. And you could do so by saying it so kindly to me, I’ll understand, I already understood. But do you really have to do this? At least think of me as a roommate.”

Then he quietly walked away and went straight to Sehun’s room. The latter was surprised to see him again not long after they’ve departed, Jongin’s quite happy to know. He pulled Sehun into the latter’s bed and made Sehun sit with his back on him. Sehun was confused and Jongin only asked him to continue the story he was telling them before they separated ways. Sehun complied and Jongin watched his back. But as he tried hard to concentrate, the more tears are threatening to have their escape.

He wiped angrily on the few that managed, but rather than stopping, they just fell down uncontrollably. Sehun tried to turn around when he realized but Jongin pleaded not to. He asked Sehun to continue the story and have his voice a little bit louder. Sehun did and Jongin cried without care. He gave up trying to muffle the sounds and stopped drying the tears away. There’s no use anyway, Luhan might’ve prevented him from experiencing the pain of being out-casted by his own family, but Luhan also made him experience the pain of a first heartbreak.

The crying stopped after a while. Jongin feeling too drained, had pulled Sehun with him and laid in bed facing each other. He observed the younger’s face, not embarrassed to trace the outline of Sehun’s facial structure. In the middle of it, he asked why it couldn’t have been Sehun. It would’ve been much better if it was Sehun. Because Sehun knows better not to hurt him, Sehun knows what he thinks.

“Because Sehun also knows there’s no possibility,” Sehun had smiled and reached for the hand resting against his cheek. “I admit on developing my own liking towards you between our emails. It always excites me to read what you’ve written. But loving you as my best friend prevailed. Or maybe I just gave up when I saw you again.”

“I could totally learn to love you, if you didn’t and told me about it.”

“But then, I couldn’t have fallen for Tao, can I?”

They were silent for a moment before Jongin realized and Sehun laughed. He then proceeded on telling him the secret he’s been keeping from Jongin, and other stories that neither was involved, to all the street foods he missed during his absence. Just before they fall asleep, Jongin realizes, Sehun comforted him like no other.

Jongin was the one who packed his bags days after. He was a little glad that Luhan wasn’t there as he leaves, but a piece of his mind wished he was, for one last look. They never bumped into each other, not inside or outside campus, Tao and Sehun never brought Luhan’s name in his presence. But Jongin knew that Sehun can hear his cries when he takes late night showers.

Before Jongin knows it, Luhan has graduated.

He’ll be moving in with Kris, Jongdae told him at his own graduation party, standing by the sink in the kitchen with empty cups of liquor in their hands. Jongin didn’t really want to go, knowing full well that Jongdae’s good friends with Luhan, but Tao and Sehun has been persistent. He asked the older why he’s telling him that but Jongdae only told him that Luhan’s been an idiot and Kris isn’t exactly dumb, before he left Jongin with more than a headache.

Jongin went on with his life, but he didn’t forget. Luhan was hard to forget, he told Sehun one night. There are times where he thinks only of Luhan, of the possibilities and what ifs including the consequences. Sometimes he wonders if he should dwell on it, sometimes he does, other times he does not. Until eventually, Luhan remained just that small fraction in his mind. Still, Jongin didn’t forget.

He still knows that the familiar voice that had entered the café he’s currently in, waiting for Sehun’s arrival one day in January, belongs to Luhan, and that the tall guy beside the small blond is none other than Kris. Jongin couldn’t forget, not even the pain as they make eye contact. It’s only a little funny how it was Luhan who looked shocked and hurt when it should be Jongin. Luhan doesn’t have the right to feel hurt, Jongin does. He wasn’t the one who felt like garbage thrown after being unwanted by someone you only asked for a simple request.

Luhan redirected his gaze away from him and turned to Kris instead. Jongin has a perfect view of them from where he’s sitting. He heard when Kris asked him of what’s wrong and Luhan’s denial of nothing. He saw, amusedly, how Luhan panicked and pushed Kris out of the shop when the latter looked up and saw Jongin staring back at them. He heard the fading voice of the taller, asking if it really is Jongin that he saw.

Jongin was there when it happened, when Luhan ran away from him.

He smiled bitterly and opted for the view outside, perfectly in time to see Sehun worriedly looking at him through the glass window. He must’ve seen everything. Jongin mustered a more convincing smile and gathered his things, including the scattered pieces of what used to be his beating heart, with trembling hands. And as he opened the shop’s door, he briefly wondered if Luhan knew that it’s his birthday, because he sure had given him a lasting present.

---

“What happened then?”

A sigh escaped my lips the same time I rolled my eyes, “You already know the whole story, why do you love me this way? Stop making me repeat the same thing over again.”

“But you didn’t tell me that Sehun liked Jongin,” he inquired with his eyebrow raised high.

“Oops,” I smiled mischievously, “Must’ve slipped my mind.”

“No, it didn’t.”

I uncrossed my arms and stood up, walking around the couch and standing behind it. “Aww, c’mon Jongdae, that’s not really important now, is it? Besides, you know how happy Sehun is with Tao. And please, can you pretend like you’re writing instead of just holding your pen and that piece of paper and why does your clipboard have to be in pink?”

He rolled his eyes but smiled and stashed the said material behind his back, “It gives me the vibes.”

I snorted and turned my back on him, facing the beautiful scenery of Seoul. Jongdae got himself the perfect office, alright. “Whatever.”

“When was the last time you encountered Jongin?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t come out lately,” I turn around. “Are we finished here?”

He nodded, “Yeah. But on the next session you have to tell me about Sehun.”

I watched him stand up and went over his desk to gather his things. I followed his actions. “Sometimes, I wonder if you really are a psychiatrist or you just really love to gossip about Jongin. Or maybe it’s just me you’re curious about. I really can’t tell.”

He smirked, “Is Kai bothered that I ask more of Jongin than him?”

I smirked, “No. I’m more curious if you have tried consulting other psychiatrist to look after you. You never know.”

He grabbed his keys and I pulled my coat, “Are you coming to the reunion Junmyeon’s throwing?”

I waited as he locked up his humble office, “Yeah, even though Kyungsoo’s a better president than him. But don’t tell him that, that idiot is a rich , I’d like to keep being his friend.”

“Even if Luhan’s there?” I raised my eyebrow, the corners of his lips quirks upright. Neither of us stopped walking. “Do you want a ride?”

The elevator was right on time when we arrived, “Nah, the lovebirds are already waiting for me. But you could try again next time, although, I doubt I’ll give you the satisfactory.”

He pressed on the ground button and the elevator begun our descend. “You ask me why I torture you but you also love to play hard to get.”

I draped my arm around his shoulder and pinched his cheek, “You know I never do acquaintances, hyung. But maybe if you can get me drunk later, you’ll have your chance. I have never done drunken . Tao said they’re awesome aside from the headache the morning after,” and winked at him.

He smirked, “Then don’t let your guard down.”

We reached the ground floor in a matter of minutes. He patted my shoulder with a wink and reminded me of my next schedule and the new prescription he just gave me. I waved him off and proceeded on my own way, spotting the only white car in the parking lot quite easily.

Sehun was about to question me as soon as I slide in the backseat when Tao beat him to it. “Is Jongdae-hyung’s still hitting on you?”

I laughed, “When did he stop?”

Sehun frowned, and almost looked sorry, “That hyung is quite stubborn. But he’s a good guy, sadly, you’re not interested.”

“And he knows completely,” I leaned forward as Tao revived the engine and asked, “Can we make a quick trip to the pharmacy? He gave me new prescriptions.”

He nodded and focused on the road, glancing at the rearview mirror from time to time. Sehun turned the stereo on and sang along, purposely pitching his voice higher than the song itself. He definitely got that from Baekhyun. We made small talks, Tao tried to tone down the volume but Sehun refused with a death glare. Definitely, Baekhyun’s influence.

After the quick detour, Tao drove off to the party with hesitation. Sehun doesn’t seem to be any different. I rolled my eyes and smacked them both in the head as we head out.

“Stop worrying. There’s nothing to be worried about,” I assured them with a smile and lead the way. But really, there really isn’t anything to be worried now. Luhan may be here, but Jongin isn’t around.

The place was already packed despite it being still a little early in the evening and late for the afternoon. I could recognize some faces, particularly Jongdae’s. I rolled my eyes at him as he showed the bottle of beer in his hand with his mischievous smile at the bar. The DJ seemed to be a little familiar too and Tao reminded me when he shouted his old roommate’s name.

As we go on further, the two lovebirds seemed to be getting a little more anxious. I asked them what’s wrong but they only stopped, preventing me from greeting Kyungsoo. I asked them again when a voice reached my ears. Jongin knew this voice with all of his shattered heart. It’s a sad reality I cannot comprehend.

Sehun went pass me, followed by Tao and it really is quite funny how they tried to hide me behind their backs despite them being a little taller than me. I’m sure the other has seen me ahead and the lovebirds also knew, if not, why’d do all the trouble.

“Tao, Sehun,” Luhan said when I turned around.

The two smiled at him all friendly albeit a little tight and he returned them, flickering his eyes towards me. I sighed and pushed the two away. I also smiled, not too broad though, and opened my lips with his name. “Luhan-hyung.”

It still amazes me how he can have that look of surprise. It’s the same expression Jongin has seen from him. I wonder what he’ll do if he’s here. But maybe it’s better that he’s not. I look around behind him and Luhan tried composing himelf, at least, now he knows.

“Where’s Kris-hyung?”

I felt Sehun’s fingers reaching for my hand but I shake him off and tucked them in my pants’ pockets. Luhan opened his mouth and closed them again. I tilted my head to the side and waited.

“He’s around, somewhere...”

He fidgeted and he looked so much younger than the three of us. So I offered him some innocence I don’t really have and a quirk of my eyebrow, just to see him get more intimidated. Oh if only Jongin’s here. “You should relax hyung, you’re getting a little,” I gave him a once over and smirked, “Tensed.”

“Can we...” he his lips and glanced behind me before averting his eyes back on me. It’s really a shame Jongin couldn’t see this. “Can we talk, Jongin?”

I smiled.

“I didn’t introduce myself, did I?” He looks confused and I’m quite satisfied. I didn’t bother reaching out my hand but I gave him a look. “Kai. Jongin is his name, I am Kai. You should know who you’re talking to.” And another once over just to press on the guilt visible on his face before I went pass him to greet Kyungsoo. Jongin would thank me.

“Oh, by the way,” I stopped, turned around, and put on that goddamn smirk. “I’m still living with my family and they know I like boys. In case you’re wondering. You can ask these two if you don’t believe me, or maybe Jongdae would love to tell you how much he dreams of me boning him.”

Jongin may have loved him, but I despise him to hell. Tao wasn’t his real cousin anyway, why not let him get eaten by his own guilt. After all, Jongin only wanted to make him feel his love.