“Mr Park, I put it to you that you were the one that inflicted those fatal wounds on my client.” Minseok said as he paced around the front of the court room, a finger tapping the bottom of his chin. He eyed Chanyeol who was seated locked up in the small corner of the court room with the metal grills surrounding him.

“I put it to you that you were fully conscious at the time of the scene and you committed the heinous act with complete awareness.” Minseok continued. He was usually a very polite person with a sweet demeanour. But all that eradicated every time he handled a new court case.

“Mr Park, is that correct?” Minseok questioned as he raised a brow. Chanyeol remained silent with his head remained down. “Mr Park, you had the intention of stabbing Byun Baekhyun, am I correct to say?”

And when Chanyeol still did not reply, Minseok smirked and turned to face the Judge. “Your honour, I presume the verdict can be passed immediately. It appears the accused is silent, symbolizing his approval to my previous statements.” Minseok spoke as he sat back down on his chair with ease.

Joonmyun sighed and he took another glance at Chanyeol. The twenty two year old was fiddling with his fingers, his body shaking ever so slightly as though he had not recovered from some sort of trauma. He had no choice but to pass his verdict.

“Mr Park Chanyeol, do you plead guilty of committing serious assault on Mr Byun Baekhyun and possibly having the intention of murder?” Joonmyun asked in a serious tone. His voice was so loud that it resonated throughout the curved walls of the court room.

There was still no response.

“Mr Park?” Joonmyun asked once again. Silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. “Very well. Then the accused Park Chanyeol will be sentenced to—” Joonmyun’s words were interrupted by the sudden opening of the court’s doors.

“Wait! Wait!” The voice was accompanied by a couple of thumping footsteps.

“Do you happen to be the defendant’s lawyer Mr Lu?” Joonmyun asked as  he glanced over at the doe eyed man whose hair was partially drenched in sweat.

“Yes Yes! Sorry I’m late. Traffic.” Luhan said as he bowed several times. Minseok rolled his eyes as he looked at Luhan take out several documents from his briefcase. He was that close to winning the case. And he just had to ruin it.

“Any longer and Park Chanyeol would have been convicted Mr Lu.” Joonmyun said as he shook his head.

“Yes I’m aware of that. Once again, I apologise for being tardy.” Luhan said as he organised the documents piled up on the table.

“Very well. Now that everyone is here, shall we begin again?” Joonmyun asked. “Mr Kim, please.”

Minseok sighed as he spoked, “As I was saying, Park Chanyeol attempted to murder my client with the usage of a deadly weapon that has the potential to inflict fatal wounds. It is proven that the knife stabbed his chest roughly two inches deep.”

“Ah, but alas, Byun Baekhyun did not die did he?” Luhan asked as his gaze shifted to Minseok. A corky smile plastered on his face.

“He would have if he was not admitted to the hospital in time.” Minseok rebutted. “Your honour, Park Chanyeol is not responding to any of my questions because he has a guilty conscience. Therefore, you should convict him straight away.”

“Hold your tongue Minseok, who said my client was not responding?” Luhan said. “Chanyeol, you did not have the intention to kill Baekhyun am I right to say?”

Chanyeol gave a slight nod.

“There you have it.” Luhan said and grinned at Minseok.

“God what the heck is this? You can’t jus—” Minseok shouted.

“Mind your language Mr Kim.” Joonmyun said and banged the table firmly. If it was one thing he could not tolerate, was the usage of profanities in his court room.

“Park Chanyeol. Did you or did you not have the intention of killing Byun Baekhyun?” Joonmyun’s baritone voice echoed loudly once more.

Chanyeol bit his lip and looked around the court room as though his head was engaging in its own mental battle of some sort. One could tell by the way his entire jaw was trembling. Onevcould tell by the look of fear and despair in his eyes.

“Did you or did you not?”

“I did not.” The deep hollow voice replied.

“I would never have hurt Baekhyun.” Chanyeol shifted his gaze downwards. “But I did.”

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

Eighteen year old Baekhyun looked outside of his window.

The sky depicted a sad shade of grey and the ominous clouds shielded away the rays of sun. They hid the rays of happiness in Baekhyun’s heart. Shrill noises from the alarm clock pierced through the air and it ricocheted across the room amidst the pitter-pattering of the rain droplets. He could not be bothered to even turn it off. He just sat by his bed, his gaze never leaving the scenery outside. He knew she would come in any moment now.

And true enough, his mom entered his room just moments after the thought crossed his mind.

“Baekhyun, it’s time for school.” Luna said in a soft tone as she tidied her son’s bed. Baekhyun pretended to be oblivious of her words, ignoring her presence completely. It wasn’t the first time he did so. In fact this has become something like his daily routine.

“Go and change Baekhyun.” Luna whispered into his ears. And when he did not reply, her irritation exploded. It was only that much her patience could handle.

“Baekhyun! I’ve had enough of this bull! Go to school!” Luna bellowed as ire radiated down her spine, sending waves of anger to breakout like Goosebumps. The sight of Baekhyun breaking out in tears only made Luna’s blood boil more.

“ARGH!” Luna shouted as she collapsed onto the floor, her hands clutching against her knees. She had enough of this. She had enough of her son. She had enough of everything.

Every day, she’d enter Baekhyun’s room at exactly 6.45am when his alarm clock would sound. His mood was just as unpredictable as the weather. At times when he was happy, he would sleep in and once woken up, he would be more excited than anyone to go to school. And there were times like these, where he would refuse to speak. Refuse to do anything at all.

Baekhyun was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder at the age of sixteen. A brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.

And Luna has been blaming herself ever since the day of the diagnosis. Online sources had taught her that this disorder was in fact heredity. And since her husband could not have been the cause, she placed two and two together and figured it must have been her that brought upon this curse on Baekhyun.

There was a reason why Luna was nicknamed “Mirror Princess”. Because like the mirror, she had two sides. Constant mood swings that would rapidly fluctuate throughout a week and at times anger management issues. And it was more than the usual Pre-Menstrual Symptoms a girl had before her period, it was much more severe. The day Baekhyun was diagnosed was also the day she found out she suffered from mild depression.

Even a fool would have easily spotted the similarity between the mother and son. Not judging by appearances, but by their personalities. Both were cheerful, bright and had a good sense of humour at times where the right side was up. But when the bad side came out to play, it was sadness and coldness flying everywhere. Bucket-full of tears would be shed, screams would be hollered. The unmistakable changes were drastic and scary.

And as Luna’s fingers dug deep into her hair and they ruffled it roughly, Onew hurriedly rushed in. “Luna? Are you okay?” Onew asked in a hushed whisper. His voice as gentle and soft as his touch.

“I’m fine.” She replied although she was the complete opposite of that. “Go attend to Baekhyun.”

Onew shot a worried glance at Luna but decided it was best to treat their son before things got any worse. He walked quietly towards Baekhyun, who was still drowned in his own world of tears and frowns. Placing a protective hand on his shoulder, Onew spoke, “Baekhyun. Everything is ok.”

Four words had that big an effect. And the moment the words left his mouth, Baekhyun lifted his head as the corners of his lips curved upwards into a vibrant smile. Inwardly, Onew beamed in pride. He always had the saint-like ability of calling the happy Baekhyun back. No matter how depressed Baekhyun was, a few simple words from his father would snap him back into his usual self.

And as Baekhyun obediently went to wash up and change, Onew went over to Luna’s side, a conceited smile on his countenance. “You win. I give up.” Luna said with a slight giggle. And Onew knew his wife had returned to her usual side as well.

“Baekhyun, be a good boy and listen to your mom.” Onew said as he made full eye contact with Baekhyun.

“For the last time! I’m not bipolar!” Baekhyun shouted with the hint of an angry laugh that was almost frigthening.

Onew looked over at Luna who was still sobbing. He sighed. “Ok, no one is going to force you like we did last time. Just think over it okay?”

Onew passed Baekhyun a piece of paper which was crushed up into a crumpled ball the moment it laid on his hands. Baekhyun hated it when his parents forced him to go for “therapy sessions”. There was nothing wrong with him. He was a perfectly normal kid with a group of friends. He led a normal life. He was the joker in his class. He was normal. At least that was what he wanted to be.

And yet the two people he trusted the most in the world was telling him straight in the face that he was mentally unsound.

It hurt Baekhyun whenever his parents said it. Bipolar. This word was filled with so much filth that Baekhyun would cringe in disgust whenever he heard it. Therapy sessions were always the same –boring. They would let him sit on a half bed half sofa kind of chair. And then the interrogation would commence.

They would ask questions about his personal life. And when Baekhyun asked why, the reply would always be the same. “Because I care.” It was ridiculous. Why would some stranger even take interest in his life? For money. To get a tip from his parents when Baekhyun told them he felt better after their treatment.

And so he always used the same trick that worked both ways. The psychiatrist would lie and tell his parents that he was cured and Baekhyun would in turn praise him. The psychiatrist got their tip and Baekhyun would be let free. It was a win-win solution. Or at least until those bipolar symptoms started acting up again.

Baekhyun sighed as he dashed out of his house. He hated it when his mother cried. He hated it when she was sad. And yet he knew that she was acting that way because of him. He groaned as he fished out the crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. Slowly unfolding the dog eared edges, he read, “Therapy session at 6pm. Mr Park.” Taking a glance of his watch, he realised there was still a good half an hour left before another stupid therapy session.

Mr Park. Mr Park. Mr Park. That was the name of his psychiatrist that he was forced to meet later. He pictured how he would look. A mental image of a hideous looking old man with a freakishly long beard popped into his head and Baekhyun let out a half laugh. He was certain this “Mr Park” would look as disgustingly horrifying just as the other money hungry psychiatrist were. He was just another psychiatrist.

Baekhyun had to blink twice when he entered the therapy room. The guy that sat behind the desk looked nothing like how he had imagined. No wrinkles, no crooked noses. None of all that. Instead, the guy that was a few feet away from him donned on an absolutely dashing face. He was young, fresh and above all, his eyes reflected faint hints of genuine happiness.

And when Chanyeol smiled, Baekhyun stared in awe. His perfect set of teeth positioned so neatly framed up by a pair of thin pinkish lips that were curved up so nicely like a brilliant painter’s on his face. What Baekhyun saw in Chanyeol was something he had never seen in anyone else before.

He had seen hope.

“Sit.” Chanyeol’s voice was husky and it made chills crawl around Baekhyun’s skin. The good kind. But yet there was an insinuation of command that Baekhyun felt so powerless against.

“Your name?” Chanyeol asked as he took a sit on the chair opposite of Baekhyun.

“Just check your schedule. Don’t they always print client’s name?” Baekhyun rebutted.

“I’d rather not. I prefer to hear it directly from your mouth.”Chanyeol replied.

“Why..?” Baekhyun asked.

“I only believe in what I see or hear.” Chanyeol smiled.

“Baekhyun.”

“Spell it.”

“Are you serious?”Baekhyun laughed. And Chanyeol nodded.

“B-A-E-K-H-Y-U-N.” Baekhyun said and glanced over at Chanyeol, trying to suppress a laugh. He found this psychiatrist oddly amusing.

“I’ll remember that.” Chanyeol said. “Hi Baekhyun. My name is Park Chanyeol. I am your psychiatrist. I’m twenty two this year and I’ve been in this profession for three years now.”

“Why are you telling me all that?”Baekhyun asked in puzzlement.

“Because in order for the two of us to be friends, you need to know more about me. So I can gain something invaluable from you.” Chanyeol said.

“What’s that?” Baekhyun asked.

“Your trust.” Chanyeol replied.

“So let’s get started.”Chanyeol said with a smile. “Tell me your understanding of bipolar.”

“It is when people go crazy.” Baekhyun replied. It was not like he really did not know the actual definition of the disorder (he had heard it so many times at countless therapy sessions), but he was far too restless to spell it all out to Chanyeol.

“I know you know more. And I want to know what you know.” Chanyeol said.

“Aren’t you the psychiatrist here?” Baekhyun questioned.

“Yes. But sometimes, the patients need to do the teaching.”

“Bipolar is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.” Baekhyun recited nonchalantly.

“I don’t want the medical meaning.” Chanyeol said. He continued when Baekhyun shot him a look of confusion. “I want your meaning Baekhyun.”

“My meaning?”

“Yes. What is Bipolar to you?”

Silence hung in the air as Baekhyun creased his eyebrows in deep thought. What was bipolar to him? He never thought about that before. Bipolar had always been a thing of denial. It was a disorder that he would never admit into having. To him bipolar was hatred.

“I hate it.” Baekhyun finally spoke.

“Why?”

“Because I’m diagnosed with it and my parents force me to attend useless therapy sessions to cure a disorder that I don’t even have.”

“How can you be so sure you don’t have it? They must say it for a reason no?” Chanyeol said.

“Because I’m normal! I’m not crazy! I don’t have some disorder! I’m perfectly fine!” Baekhyun shouted.

“Okay.” Chanyeol said and looked Baekhyun in the eye.

“Okay? You’re not gonna tell me that I am bipolar?” Baekhyun asked. The other psychiatrist all had.

“You are who you want to be. I’m just here to help. And if you say you’re fine, then my work here is done.” Chanyeol said and stood up from his chair. He opened the door and gestured for Baekhyun to leave.

“What the hell? My parents paid good money and the session isn’t even over yet. What kind of psychiatrist are you?”Disbelief overwhelmed Baekhyun.

“I just want you to make the decisions here. If you say you’re not bipolar, then I don’t see why you should even stay. You’re just wasting both our time.” Chanyeol said. “So if you please, you may take your leave now Baekhyun. Good day.”

If only there was not a muscle connecting our lower jaw with the upper, Baekhyun’s would have dropped so low, it might have touched the floor. Is he for real? Baekhyun thought, his mind a little disorientated from the sudden freedom betrothed upon him.

And then with uncertain footsteps, he walked towards the door and outside. And when Chanyeol legibly slammed the door right in front of his face, vulgarities started spilling out of Baekhyun’s mouth.

Who does he think he is? Baekhyun was always the one leaving the therapy session before the allocated time was up. Now things were reversed. The psychiatrist was actually chasing him out. Was that even legal?

Knocking on the door, Baekhyun heard the low voice reply, “Come in.”

“It’s you again.” Chanyeol said as he scribbled words on a piece of paper, not even looking at Baekhyun. “Why’d you come back?”

“Because you can’t chase me out of my own therapy session.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

“So have you admitted that you have a bipolar disorder?”Chanyeol asked. His gaze still fixed on the paper.

“So this is what it’s all about?”Baekhyun felt his blood boil as the anger consumed his insides.

Chanyeol nodded. “OKAY then I’ll admit I have a disorder.” Baekhyun said unwillingly.

“What disorder?” Chanyeol asked. He is too much. Baekhyun thought.

“BIPOLAR DISORDER. Are you happy now Mr Park? Can we just continue?” Baekhyun’s words were like venom.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve always been happy. And now that we’ve got that cleared, I shall begin my therapy.” Chanyeol said.

“As you know, a bipolar disorder will result in one having severe mood swings. Also termed as manic episodes and depressive episodes. Can you identify which one you’re at currently?” Chanyeol asked.

“Neither.” Baekhyun replied.

“Very well.” Chanyeol said and handed him a mirror.

“A mirror?” Baekhyun asked. “What’s that for?”

“To show you something. Smile.” Chanyeol said. And so Baekhyun did. Not a genuine one, but rather one that was forced and reflected everything from boredom to annoyance. “Good. Now frown.” Chanyeol said. Baekhyun did and he watched as the expression of the person in the mirror changed as he did.

“Smile again.” Chanyeol said.

“Oh my god this is stupid. I feel like a retard.” Baekhyun said but he smiled regardless.

“Tell me what you have observed.” Chanyeol asked.

“That Mr Park is a really weird psychiatrist.”

“Other than that?”Chanyeol asked patiently. He knew Baekhyun knew what he was referring to.

“God fine. That the reflection changes when I change. God, what is this play group?”Baekhyun said.

“Nope it’s called Chanyeol’s Amazing Therapy Sessions. So you see it don’t you? The reflection changes. And why does it change?” Chanyeol asked.

“Because I change…?”

“Precisely.” Baekhyun was sure he saw the twenty two year old wink at him.

“And how does that got to do with Bipolar?” Baekhyun said.

“It has everything to do with it. A mirror is the basis of bipolar. It has two sides. One is the real one, the other one virtual. The virtual side is barely a reflection of the real deal, it copies what it sees through the millions of light rays. Different angles of rays will result in different images form when reflected to our retina.” Chanyeol said.

“Is this physics class or something?”Baekhyun asked in an annoyed tone.

“What many don’t realise is that sometimes the virtual side takes control of the real thing.”Chanyeol said.

“How is that even theoretically possible?” Baekhyun asked as he rolled his eyes for the god knew how many time that day. “The image is virtual like you said.”

“Oh but it is. Do you know fishes react to their own reflections and treat it like another individual? They often become aggressive because they feel threatened by their own reflection.” Chanyeol said.

“Ok cool. But one question. How the heck does that have to do with Bipolar and even with humans?” Baekhyun raised his voice.

“Scientist have found out that the brains of the fish are surprisingly similar to that of a human. It’s the same theory. Our mood changes when we’re affected by what we see or hear. External factors as I would like to call them. And then subsequently, our brain will react accordingly. And while most people are able to react in a way that is acceptable in our society with minimal variations to their normal self, some people can’t.” Chanyeol said.

Baekhyun’s lips immediately pursed together as he lowered his head. “Like me.”

“But bipolar is curable Baekhyun. You just need to give it some time. And eat your medicine regularly to control it.” Chanyeol said softly as he placed a reassuring grip on Baekhyun’s forearm.

“Isn’t it too late to be cured?” Baekhyun asked as his head tilted upwards. His eyes reflected a sad gaze from a helpless puppy.

“It’s never too late or too soon. It’s when it is supposed to be.” Just as Chanyeol finished his sentence, his alarm went off. His eyes immediately widened. “Baekhyun, you have to leave now. The therapy is over. Goodbye.”

“Can’t I stay a little longer?” Baekhyun asked. The words sounded so odd coming from his mouth. He never thought he would ever want to go back for another session. But it was different this time. Chanyeol was different.

“NO.” Chanyeol said. Beads of perspiration formed on his jaw line as they trickled downwards.

“Leave now. Please.” Chanyeol almost pleaded.

Baekhyun shot a last glance at Chanyeol before leaving the room. He heard the door click behind him. And as he walked down the aisle to the exit, his mind was only thinking about why Chanyeol reacted that way suddenly.

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

Every week, Baekhyun thought of nothing else except for the next appointment with Chanyeol. The date of the therapy session kept echoing in Baekhyun’s pool of thoughts.

Saturday 6pm.

He smiled when he saw there was only ten minutes left till the clock struck six pm sharp and he would see Chanyeol’s face again. He did not know what exactly he was excited for really. But there was something about Chanyeol that would keep Baekhyun’s heart racing in anticipation just at the thought of meeting him again. To him Chanyeol was living life all over again.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol called for him as the small figure walked into the room and settled himself on the same blue sofa.

“Mr Park.” Baekhyun said with a slight nod, trying his best to conceal his happiness.

“Please, call me Chanyeol.” He said.

“Chanyeol.” Baekhyun said. That word. That name. Enunciating it made him feel alive.

“So how was your week?” Chanyeol asked.

I missed you. Baekhyun wanted to say. But that would have sounded desperate and not to mention utterly weird. So he replied, “Not too bad. The Mood Stabilisers have been taking effect. My friends say I don’t have that many mood swings anymore.”

“Good! See what I told you. Take the medication, have a positive mindset and you’ll recover in no time!”Chanyeol said.

The words resonated in Baekhyun’s ear drums. Recover? “Does that mean we can’t meet anymore?” Baekhyun’s voice was hushed.

“No silly! We can still meet as much as we want to. Anytime at all!” Chanyeol said with a beam.

He observed as the sides of the child’s face curved up into a smile. A real genuine smile. Not like the counterfeit one he had seen two months ago, this smile was a signal of joy.

Had it really been two months?

It had. But with Baekhyun, time flew past so quickly that Chanyeol could barely keep up with it. Therapy sessions felt unlike any other he had with other patients. Perhaps it was because none of them were as special as Baekhyun. All their issues were the same. The old school problem of depression.

On the other hand, Baekhyun had a bipolar disorder. It was something different. Something special. Something that he himself could relate to. And as he bid Baekhyun goodbye after yet another hour of therapy, the alarm clock rang. He locked the door shut and endured yet another night of torture.

Baekhyun bit the bottom of his lip as he glanced over at the piece of paper Chanyeol had given him roughly a week ago. On it was written in a messy cursive handwriting, Chanyeol’s number.

To call or not to call?

For the past hour, the question has been repeatedly echoing in his mind. A dilemma that he had yet to solve. Would Chanyeol think of him as a stalker is he called? Why was he even calling in the first place? Baekhyun was alone at home. It was a Sunday evening. 8.30pm to be precise. His parents had so rarely gone on a vacation on this Valentine’s Day. And secretly, Baekhyun wondered whether Chanyeol had a date.

Scrolling down the hallways for yet the umpteen time, Baekhyun was on the verge of ripping his hair off. He had seen Chanyeol yesterday. But yet, his heart yearned for him.

He wanted to see the giant with curly hair, a huge smile plastered on his face.

He wanted to hear the low voice, raspy and rough as it pronounced his name ever so nicely.

He wanted to feel the gentle touch of his hand, a simple skin contact that made him feel warmth and comfort.

Warmth and comfort. A sense of security. Something that Baekhyun desperately needed in his life. Something that he desperately needed right now.

And so he dialled the numbers that he memorised the minute he had received the paper. He ignored the final wave of hesitation that ran down the length of his spine and pressed the “call” button. Every noise that came out from the earpiece of his phone made Baekhyun’s heart beat plummet.

Baekhyun grew up thinking that the phrase “heart skipping a beat” was merely a figure of speech and that it did not exist. He proved himself wrong when he heard Chanyeol pick up the phone.

“C-hh-an…yeo-l?” Baekhyun’s voice was trembling.

“Screw you.” The phone answered. Baekhyun fell into shock as the voice continued, “Who the heck are you? Why are you even calling?”

It was his voice. It was Chanyeol’s voice. “I-I..I’m Baekhyun.” He said.

“Never heard of a Baekhyun in my life.” The voice said. Baekhyun felt his heart drop to the pits of hell. Had Chanyeol really forgotten him? How was that possible?

“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice was soft, filled with fear.

“The name is Mr Park.”

“Mr Park?”

“It must be one of you pranksters trolling with me again. Get lost.” The voice said before the receiver went dead.

And as Baekhyun plunged himself on his bed, he blinked his eyes in incredulity. Had that conversation really take place? Was that really Chanyeol? The Park Chanyeol that he knew and fell in love with?

There, he had admitted. He was in love with Chanyeol. Not in some homoual way of any sort. As innocent as it could ever sound, he loved Chanyeol. Not in a brotherly or parental way, but more of a companion that he ever so yearned for.

And yet Chanyeol had just asked him to get lost. Those two words were like the metal piece on the edge of the bullet, sharp and deadly, it pierced through Baekhyun’s fragile heart, rendering him so helpless and pained.

That night, Baekhyun hardly slept at all. How could he? Chanyeol did not know his name. Chanyeol told him to address him as “Mr Park”. Chanyeol told him to get lost. The person that he shared such a unique bond with did all those things. Tears emerged from his eyes as he hugged himself tight, trying to mend his broken heart. Baekhyun had not felt this way for exactly two months – ever since he met Chanyeol. The feeling was coming back all at once.

 Baekhyun was afraid.