I feel you.
Paradise Lost
“Are you sure you don’t want to come home?”
“Mom, you ask me that every night. I’m fine here.” You have been staying in this house since you moved in and why not be here for this last week before they tear it down.
“But you’re alone in that huge house. Don’t you get scared?” she presses, her voice full of worry.
Scared of what? you thought. The worse has already happened. “Mom, I’ll be fine. I've lived here for the past three years. I’ll see you Saturday, OK?” you hang up the phone before she could say anything else. Stretching your arms over your shoulders, you tiptoe downstairs for a glass of water. Your willowy frame looks ghostly in the moonlight, you get a shiver up your spine, your arms wrapped around your small frame.
“See? Did you see that?” Woohyun says excitedly, poking Dongwoo in the ribs. The two boys hanging out in the nook of the stairwell. “She shivered! She felt it when I touched her back just now.” Dongwoo looked skeptical, “Are you sure? She’s wearing practically nothing. I think she’s just cold.”
Woohyun smiles giddy, positive at his discovery. He’s been testing this for months now and it just can’t be a coincidence anymore. “I’ll show you.” They both race down the stairs after you, tripping their long limbs over each other. Woohyun peers at you from the doorway, “Watch.” He gingerly steps toward you standing over the sink, until he was nearly caressing your back. He bites his lip, suddenly sad that you can’t see him, that he can only enjoy your pouty lips, your slightly upturned nose, your eye smile, your laughter as a mere passerby. Carefully, he wraps his arms around your waist, barely able to feel your body but to him, it was enough.
Shocked, you drop your glass and it shatters. What was that? you think as you spin around. It was like a minty chill had permeated the air and was wrapping around you. That scent, that scent..It...can’t be. “If this is some sick joke, stop it.” you say out loud angrily to no one in particular. Flustered, you bend down to pick up the large shards of glass, reflecting tiny crystals in the dark ceiling. Your heart is pounding and fresh tears threaten to fall. Nam Woohyun. It smells like Nam Woohyun. You pick up a rather sharp piece, as if in a trance running your fingers carefully over the smooth surface. Why couldn’t I die with you. Tears cloud your vision as you ignore the rest of the glass and walk robotically toward the kitchen table, the glass shard still clutched in your hand.
“What the hell is she doing?” Dongwoo yells, trying to grab you to no avail. “Do something!” Woohyun reaches for your hands, the glass but his touch goes right through you.
You shiver again as your mind is clouded as you trace the glass over your pale skin, the vulnerable flesh on the inside of your wrist. You push harder, drawing blood and pull downwards. A calm, chill comes over you, it’s almost comforting as your mind starts to falter. I wonder if this is what they felt.
You put your head down on the table and sleep.
___________________________________________
“Wake up!” a voice screams at you, loudly. Too loud. Why is it so loud. You feel strong arms shaking your shoulders, banging your forehead against the wooden table. “Owww.” you mutter, your eyes slowly opening. Your eyes adjust to the familiar setting, your kitchen, the still dark night, your wrist... Wait, am I dead? You thought, frantically staring at your wrist. There was no blood, only a two inch silver scar where you had dragged the glass.
But something else was wrong.
Something different. You turn around and look up at the familiar, worried voice above you.
“Woohyun oppa! Dongwoo oppa!” you gasp, standing up so quickly knocking your chair down. “How... Why...” You burst into loud sobs, throwing your arms around both their waists pulling together for a tight hug. “I miss....you guys so much." And the dam breaks, all of these horrible feelings, guilt, insecurity start pouring out like a waterfall. "I'm trying, oppa, I'm trying... but I can’t do this by myself.. I can't live by myself.”
“We miss you too, babe..” Woohyun mumbles between tears, his beautiful face buried in your hair. His arms holding on to you so tightly that you think you might break. He holds you back staring at you like you were an alien, Dongwoo spins you around carefully, looking back between his fingertips and your body forgetting what it felt like to touch you again. “How.. can this be?”
“I don’t know.” you admit, hugging the older boy, unable to keep the smile off your face. “One moment I....” you pause, looking sheepish.
“We know. We were watching.” Woohyun said sternly. “We’ll talk about that later.”
You duck your head ashamed, “Well.. yea. after I cut myself, I felt like I passed out and when I woke up, you’re here. You’re really here!” you say, unable to keep the joy out of your voice. Dongwoo ruffles your hair, amazed at how new everything felt after all this time.
“Where is Sunggyu oppa?” you ask urgently, “I need to talk to him.” Without waiting for an answer, you turn, rushing up the stairs to Sunggyu’s room excited to see your oppa again. To touch him. To kiss him. To tell him you were sorry. The room was empty. “Sunggyu oppa!” you yell happily rushing to check the other rooms, “I can see Woohyun and Dongwoo again! Where are you?”
All the rooms were empty. You look at the two remaining boys, confused. “I don’t understand..Did they go somewhere?”
“We can’t leave this property,” Dongwoo scratched his head, looking in the empty room again. The three of you look around, perplexed. “Maybe... maybe they disappeared?” Dongwoo says nervously, his heart flip-flopped nervously at the thought of losing his brothers.
“Maybe WE disappeared.” Woohyun said nervously, tucking your hand in his safely. You smile, even in your fear. You are with your oppas now. “One moment we were standing there watching you cut yourself and going hysterical and then next thing we know, we wake up on the floor, you were still at the table...”
“And we were able to see you, be with you again.” Dongwoo finished, grinning widely realizing the impossibility of it all.
The three of you crawl into Woohyun’s old bed, tucking your feet underneath the soft blanket. You’re glad you kept their rooms in perfect condition. “Maybe they’ll be back in the morning.” you whisper, positively. They have to, you think, I need them to. You kiss Dongwoo’s shoulder resting your head against his. Woohyun is on your other side, his body pressed tightly against yours. You close your eyes taking a mental image of this moment.
You smile as the three of you lay comfortably, this simple act overfilling your heart with happiness. “Tell me about the others.”
Dongwoo laughs, kissing your forehead sweetly, memorizing your warm vanilla scent. “Funny thing is, we’re still the same. Sungyeol still picks on Sungjongie. He’s even more of a prankster now, realizing that he can go through walls and sometimes even manipulate objects with his mind. Hoya, well, you have to know that Hoya misses you so badly.” You on your bottom lip, trying not to cry. “L. L is....good. He watches you and protects you, babe. Don’t ever forget that.”
“And Sunggyu oppa...What about Sunggyu?”
Woohyun pauses, his lips lingering on your neck. “Sunggyu is...trying to hold it together. For us. For you. He acts like nothing is wrong but we hear him crying at night.” Woohyun’s voice shakes as he continues, “You know when you sit outside on the blanket at night, he’s always sitting next to you..telling you about his day, asking you if you still like the fairy lights..” He laughs weakly, “That’s Sunggyu for you right?”
You can only nod, your words choked in your throat.
“But you’re alone in that huge house. Don’t you get scared?” she presses, her voice full of worry.
Scared of what? you thought. The worse has already happened. “Mom, I’ll be fine. I've lived here for the past three years. I’ll see you Saturday, OK?” you hang up the phone before she could say anything else. Stretching your arms over your shoulders, you tiptoe downstairs for a glass of water. Your willowy frame looks ghostly in the moonlight, you get a shiver up your spine, your arms wrapped around your small frame.
“See? Did you see that?” Woohyun says excitedly, poking Dongwoo in the ribs. The two boys hanging out in the nook of the stairwell. “She shivered! She felt it when I touched her back just now.” Dongwoo looked skeptical, “Are you sure? She’s wearing practically nothing. I think she’s just cold.”
Woohyun smiles giddy, positive at his discovery. He’s been testing this for months now and it just can’t be a coincidence anymore. “I’ll show you.” They both race down the stairs after you, tripping their long limbs over each other. Woohyun peers at you from the doorway, “Watch.” He gingerly steps toward you standing over the sink, until he was nearly caressing your back. He bites his lip, suddenly sad that you can’t see him, that he can only enjoy your pouty lips, your slightly upturned nose, your eye smile, your laughter as a mere passerby. Carefully, he wraps his arms around your waist, barely able to feel your body but to him, it was enough.
Shocked, you drop your glass and it shatters. What was that? you think as you spin around. It was like a minty chill had permeated the air and was wrapping around you. That scent, that scent..It...can’t be. “If this is some sick joke, stop it.” you say out loud angrily to no one in particular. Flustered, you bend down to pick up the large shards of glass, reflecting tiny crystals in the dark ceiling. Your heart is pounding and fresh tears threaten to fall. Nam Woohyun. It smells like Nam Woohyun. You pick up a rather sharp piece, as if in a trance running your fingers carefully over the smooth surface. Why couldn’t I die with you. Tears cloud your vision as you ignore the rest of the glass and walk robotically toward the kitchen table, the glass shard still clutched in your hand.
“What the hell is she doing?” Dongwoo yells, trying to grab you to no avail. “Do something!” Woohyun reaches for your hands, the glass but his touch goes right through you.
You shiver again as your mind is clouded as you trace the glass over your pale skin, the vulnerable flesh on the inside of your wrist. You push harder, drawing blood and pull downwards. A calm, chill comes over you, it’s almost comforting as your mind starts to falter. I wonder if this is what they felt.
You put your head down on the table and sleep.
___________________________________________
“Wake up!” a voice screams at you, loudly. Too loud. Why is it so loud. You feel strong arms shaking your shoulders, banging your forehead against the wooden table. “Owww.” you mutter, your eyes slowly opening. Your eyes adjust to the familiar setting, your kitchen, the still dark night, your wrist... Wait, am I dead? You thought, frantically staring at your wrist. There was no blood, only a two inch silver scar where you had dragged the glass.
But something else was wrong.
Something different. You turn around and look up at the familiar, worried voice above you.
“Woohyun oppa! Dongwoo oppa!” you gasp, standing up so quickly knocking your chair down. “How... Why...” You burst into loud sobs, throwing your arms around both their waists pulling together for a tight hug. “I miss....you guys so much." And the dam breaks, all of these horrible feelings, guilt, insecurity start pouring out like a waterfall. "I'm trying, oppa, I'm trying... but I can’t do this by myself.. I can't live by myself.”
“We miss you too, babe..” Woohyun mumbles between tears, his beautiful face buried in your hair. His arms holding on to you so tightly that you think you might break. He holds you back staring at you like you were an alien, Dongwoo spins you around carefully, looking back between his fingertips and your body forgetting what it felt like to touch you again. “How.. can this be?”
“I don’t know.” you admit, hugging the older boy, unable to keep the smile off your face. “One moment I....” you pause, looking sheepish.
“We know. We were watching.” Woohyun said sternly. “We’ll talk about that later.”
You duck your head ashamed, “Well.. yea. after I cut myself, I felt like I passed out and when I woke up, you’re here. You’re really here!” you say, unable to keep the joy out of your voice. Dongwoo ruffles your hair, amazed at how new everything felt after all this time.
“Where is Sunggyu oppa?” you ask urgently, “I need to talk to him.” Without waiting for an answer, you turn, rushing up the stairs to Sunggyu’s room excited to see your oppa again. To touch him. To kiss him. To tell him you were sorry. The room was empty. “Sunggyu oppa!” you yell happily rushing to check the other rooms, “I can see Woohyun and Dongwoo again! Where are you?”
All the rooms were empty. You look at the two remaining boys, confused. “I don’t understand..Did they go somewhere?”
“We can’t leave this property,” Dongwoo scratched his head, looking in the empty room again. The three of you look around, perplexed. “Maybe... maybe they disappeared?” Dongwoo says nervously, his heart flip-flopped nervously at the thought of losing his brothers.
“Maybe WE disappeared.” Woohyun said nervously, tucking your hand in his safely. You smile, even in your fear. You are with your oppas now. “One moment we were standing there watching you cut yourself and going hysterical and then next thing we know, we wake up on the floor, you were still at the table...”
“And we were able to see you, be with you again.” Dongwoo finished, grinning widely realizing the impossibility of it all.
The three of you crawl into Woohyun’s old bed, tucking your feet underneath the soft blanket. You’re glad you kept their rooms in perfect condition. “Maybe they’ll be back in the morning.” you whisper, positively. They have to, you think, I need them to. You kiss Dongwoo’s shoulder resting your head against his. Woohyun is on your other side, his body pressed tightly against yours. You close your eyes taking a mental image of this moment.
You smile as the three of you lay comfortably, this simple act overfilling your heart with happiness. “Tell me about the others.”
Dongwoo laughs, kissing your forehead sweetly, memorizing your warm vanilla scent. “Funny thing is, we’re still the same. Sungyeol still picks on Sungjongie. He’s even more of a prankster now, realizing that he can go through walls and sometimes even manipulate objects with his mind. Hoya, well, you have to know that Hoya misses you so badly.” You on your bottom lip, trying not to cry. “L. L is....good. He watches you and protects you, babe. Don’t ever forget that.”
“And Sunggyu oppa...What about Sunggyu?”
Woohyun pauses, his lips lingering on your neck. “Sunggyu is...trying to hold it together. For us. For you. He acts like nothing is wrong but we hear him crying at night.” Woohyun’s voice shakes as he continues, “You know when you sit outside on the blanket at night, he’s always sitting next to you..telling you about his day, asking you if you still like the fairy lights..” He laughs weakly, “That’s Sunggyu for you right?”
You can only nod, your words choked in your throat.
“But let’s not think about that, OK babe?” Woohyun smiles, pushing your bangs from your forehead. “We’ll sleep and think about this tomorrow.” You nod again, leaning over to give Dongwoo a kiss, his eyes already closed. You smile, planting a gentle kiss on his eye lids, his lashes tickling your lips. "And we'll have to talk about your little 'act'. If you ever, ever try to hurt yourself again, I will never forgive you."
Smiling, you turn to your Woohyun, “I love you oppa.” you whisper as he presses his lips against yours, passionately. You relish the familiar taste, the familiar growls in his throat.
“I missed you, baby..” He whispers, his arms enveloping your body. "You have no idea.."
Comments