Daniel is laying in bed, finding himself just staring at the white, blank ceiling. It’s a repeat of last night and the night before that and the night before that because this is all he has energy for. He’ll come home from work, completely exhausted, leaving an atmosphere of arguments over a song he’s trying to compose. It feels the producers or whatever they’re called aren’t ever satisfied with him. That’s pretty normal though. People usually aren’t satisfied with him. 

He’s so exhausted by the time he gets home, he falls into his bed face first but then once he’s laying, he’s wide awake. He can’t fall asleep despite his body’s effort to make him fall asleep, his mind is running at a million miles a second and he just can’t asleep. 

He’s lonely. 

That’s the only reason why he isn’t able to fall asleep at this ungodly hour. He feels completely and utterly alone and the only people that doesn’t make him feel alone in this difficult ing world have lives of their own and he would rather feel alone then burden them with this familiar feeling.

His eyes begin to get heavy like his body is saying ‘This is enough Daniel, you need to sleep’ and maybe he’ll actually fall asleep but that doesn’t happen. 

He sits up, completely frustrated with himself. He’s so sick and tired of being such a ing coward to his own feelings because he’s always thinking of the same goddamn thing when he’s laying in bed alone. He just hates being so ing lonely and relying so much on others to put his broken pieces together. 

He needs to stop doing that. It always hurts him more when he puts his all into others because they leave him when he’s too much to handle. It would be better if he–

He stops himself from continuing the thought. All of the worry he has running through his head has to come to a stop because it isn’t helping his sanity one ing bit.

Instead of attempting to sleep again, he gets up and throws on a sweater, grabbing a pack of cigarettes along with a lighter, and steps onto the balcony. He’s leans over the rail and the cigarette burns slowly before he breathes the toxins in nice and slow. The cigarette is extremely harmful and as he heard before, it’s a slow suicide after each drag. That thought doesn’t bother him though. Not in the slightest bit. 

It’s almost comforting to Daniel. 

The sun is beginning to rise and it hovers over the city skyline; it looks peaceful. The way the different colours the sun brings as it begins to rise. The way it promises a new day that it almost gives Daniel hope, but he looks away, he isn’t peaceful. He’s everything but peaceful. 

His mind is beginning to run at a million miles a second but he inhales another long drag and as he takes more of the horrid thing, he slowly begins to calm down.

This always happens to him. He always ends up on his balcony, over thinking, worrying too much and using a cigarette to calm down his nerves for a brief moment. This feeling never disappears. The feeling of sadness and overwhelming dread because he can’t do anything right anymore.

The more he thinks about it, he hasn’t been able to do anything right. Not once has he felt he has done good because he always harms the ones he loves or himself. He doesn’t love himself. That has been as clear as things could ever be to me because how could he love such a monster as himself?  He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

Daniel can’t help but think about how others think he’s such a great person. Why do they think that? Would they think that if they knew how he really feels about living? Probably not. Most people don’t really accept the idea of suicide or try understanding depression because that isn’t serious. Or so they think. 

Shaking the thought away, he looks over the skyline again and his mind is blank. Not really blank but it wasn’t overrun with worried feelings because the thought running through his mind is actually calming him down. 

Daniel looks over the railing and from where he’s standing, that’s about 6 stories to the bottom of the building. Now that he thinks about it, he’s always told himself that he should be scared of aiming so high but he isn’t. Aiming higher means more people will hate him and that is more comforting than people liking him. Even though people liking him is nice, he would rather people hate him because then he wouldn’t have to deal with people’s . 

He shakes his head once again, and before he knows it, he’s putting a leg over the railing and he doesn’t really understand why he thinks this is a good idea but there’s no one to stop him. That’s right, no one to stop him from going through with this so he puts the other leg over. He’s sitting on the edge and just a little more forward and it’ll be all over. 

It’s calm, quiet, cold and he pushed himself forward. He’s falling. He’s falling so quick down the building and he finally thinks he can rest but his head is freaking out.

He doesn’t feel right as he falls and god, he wishes so badly he didn’t jump because this is so irrational and such a horrible idea and he sees the concrete get closer and closer and BAM!

He’s lying awake in his bed and there’s sweat all over his body and ‘thank god’ he thinks. He isn’t dead. He isn’t dead and even though he’s contemplated suicide more than once before, he’s so ing thankful he isn’t dead because dying is real. Dying is so ing real. There is no coming back from death and he can’t ing believe he had such a vivid dream.

He actually believed he was falling and it’s so unbelievable how happy he thought he was going to be dead. Praise the heaven’s because he isn’t dead. He can’t leave behind so many great things even though the world can be pretty ty but he has his friends. And his mom and so many other things that he thinks is great to him. 

There’s never going to be another sunrise he’ll ever see if he died because no one knows what’s on the other side and for Daniel, he believes there isn’t going to be any beautiful sunrises in the afterlife. There wouldn’t be a chance to make his best friend laugh or release another song that his fans will love or his haters will hate because once he’s dead, there isn’t anything left to do with the living. 

Dying is very real and he couldn’t leave that all behind because he was lonely. 

a/n: this oneshot was originally written when i roleplayed as tablo. i've added slight changes and more words. a lot of this is how i think of living and such and it's like idk, suicide is a pretty real thing. people do commit suicide and if you ever feel like it's the only way, it's not. i've been there. actually i was there last night. i had thoughts that suicide was the only to end this never ending pain in my chest but i didn't go through with it. i'm glad i didn't. i mean, i'm still pretty miserable but i would rather push through despite how ing hard it is to, but i'm trying to live for the moments that make me happy than the ones that depresses me. it isn't easy but i believe in you. i believe you can find a smile in someone so broken becasue i understad how you feel. maybe not exactly but dying is something that i can understand. i mean, i've been around death almost all my life and it's hard losing someone. no matter how they go. whether it's suicide or cancer, and people who say people are suicidal are selfish. it's ing hard when you're suffocating under the waves of yourself. 

ok this a/n is getting long and what i'm trying to say here is, please don't kill yourself. you don't want to leave behind something so great as life even when it gets hard. if you want to talk, message me here, or on tumblr. i'll try my best to understand.  -CURTIS