Kibum wakes up to the sight of Jonghyun snarling at Minho.

A half head shorter than Minho, Jonghyun makes for a funny image as he makes vague threatening gestures in his sesame street PJs, yelling something in a distinctly unpleasant tone. He shakes his fists at Minho, while Minho look down at Jonghyun from his vantage point, lips turned down into what can only be a disgusted curl.

All in all, not a wholly surprising scene. SHINee is made of 5 healthy boys who have to go through puberty together. It is not unheard of for them to have clashes every once in a while.

(For one, milk is sacrilege in the SHINee dorms. There can never be no milk.)

So, Kibum is fully prepared to accept this as one of the occasional happenings in the dorms, if not for the fact that, in between shouting curses and vulgarities at Minho, Jonghyun is also… desperately professing his everlasting love for Taemin?

What.

“Taemin, I need you, I want you,” Jonghyun manages to moon as he takes a break from snapping at Minho, “Please hold me now and…” Jonghyun pauses as an obvious shiver runs down his spine. He breathes, “Take me.”

Kibum knows he has not eaten breakfast, but the urge to puke has never been so strong. He gets distracted by Minho though, before he can upend yesterday’s supper on their nice, clean floor. Such a rare occurence, it would be regrettable if Kibum messes it up.

“Taemin, you can do far better than him,” Minho promptly casts a derisive glance at Jonghyun. He then turns to look at the object of his desire before his lips slowly. It is obviously meant ot be ual. Eyes hooded, Minho says, “I, on the other hand, can you make you cry with pleasure.” Minho rolls his hips unsubtly.

Kibum’s eye twitches.                                                                                                        

Alright, maybe today is not a normal day after all.

Jonghyun and Minho have clearly gone off the rockers, while Taemin… Kibum finally has his first look at their maknae today, and immediately he feels a shock running through him.

Kibum stares enthralled, short of breath, as their maknae stands in a corner of the kitchen, looking vaguely bewildered. Taemin’s eyes dart wildly between the squabbling bandmates and Kibum can feel his pulse strumming erratically as a strange excitement courses through his blood. Kibum sees Taemin, and for the first time, he sees Taemin in all his glorious beauty.

How can he have not noticed before? Taemin is gorgeous.

Taemin’s blonde frizzy hair falls limply into his eyes with dark eyebags beneath them. His sallow complexion makes him look washed-out, with acne marks standing out as clear as day as they did not have the time to visit the salon yet. His lips are chapped and his cheeks sunken in and his nose slightly sunburned from the stupid running man filming, and Kibum thinks that this is the most beautiful creature he has laid eyes on.

How can he be so blind before? Taemin is perfect.

Kibum immediately relaxes into the graceful arrogance he wears like a second skin whenever he wants to impress as he pats absentmindedly at his hair. He did not have the time to comb his hair before stepping out of the bedroom today because the pair of idiots—or should Kibum call them rivals?—were too loud. But, it does not matter, because Kibum is confident in his looks and he can see no real competition in sight.

You see, Kibum has good hips, and hips are always good in acts of seduction.

Kibum tosses his head once, feeling his imaginary silky mane settling smoothly behind him. He then slowly sashays his way out from the bedroom, towards the kitchen, never once letting his prey out of sight. His hips are liquid motion and elegant grace.

With honey in his voice, Kibum speaks. “Taemin,” he calls out and immediately Taemin’s head snap in Kibum’s direction, locking eyes immediately with said man. A vague horrified look descends upon the younger’s face as he spies Kibum’s approach, and Kibum chuckles almost predatorily.

“Taemin,” Kibum lets his voice caress the name. “You do not need brutes. You need someone who is more… well-versed, more delicate. I can make you sing with pleasure—“

The bathroom door slams open, and Kibum’s seduction is wholly ruined as his nose bears the full brunt of the wooden door. Kibum thinks he hears a crack and he immediately clutches at his nose, his previous fascination with Taemin forgotten as he whirls around to face the perpetrator who dared to do this to his $6,495 nose.

“You!” Kibum snarls, jabbing his finger hard into a damp, red-faced Jinki. “You, dumb ! Don’t you know how to check before opening the door?”

“Oh, hey Kibum,” Jinki smiles weakly and seems to be wholly unperturbed by the miniature cyclone that is said man. His eyes dart to the kitchen and immediately, the pink dusting Jinki’s cheeks is replaced by a full-fledged red. “Ugh,” Jinki makes a strangled sound as he continues ignoring Kibum, “He is so beautiful.” Jinki’s hands are outreached and his eyes have metaphorical hearts in them.

Kibum spits. “Who the is beautiful? You broke my nose and you still dare to—“

Kibum stops abruptly in his rant. A look of sudden realization dawns upon him and he spins around to look at Taemin.

There is their maknae. Scrawny and haggard as usual. So beautiful—

Kibum’s mouth forms a small ‘o’ and he immediately snaps his eyes away from Taemin. He takes in deep breaths and tries to think of dark, shameful thoughts of Lee Taemin.

Alright Kibum, that’s Lee Taemin (your one true love). He is the snotty brat you guys picked up 6 years ago (who has transformed into a strapping, young Adonis). Remember how he likes to pick at his nose and stick them underneath the table? (Oh, the sweet, immature boy he was.) And how he likes to draw in scripts and get you into trouble? (If only he will touch mine, I will let him draw them anywhere he wants) That is Lee Taemin, the stupid little boy you have taken in who is ugly as and certainly not beautiful. (Oh, but he shines, he shines. I can see the choral of angels singing behind him now. Why is he so beautiful? Oh my god, I love him, I love him—)

Kibum grits his teeth. He clenches his fists and in a show of determination, Kibum barks out an angry order to get out of his way before he is barreling towards the fridge. Taemin is in the kitchen too, and that is dangerous, but there is only one thing that can help in this situation now and it is in the fridge.

In a dramatic gesture, Kibum flings open the refrigerator door, before he is onto his knees, scrabbling about their grocery bags that have not been unpacked because boys are lazy like that.

“Oh my god, where are they?” Kibum mutters frenziedly underneath his breath as he rummages haphazardly though the bags. He can already feel his resolve weakening, and Taemin’s proximity is not helping. Turn around, Kibum. What are you doing, wasting time looking for stupid food when Taemin is just behind you? Turn around now and ravish—

With a cry of delight, Kibum’s hand takes out a yellow fruit from the refrigerator before he holds it triumphantly up in the air.

“Kibum?” And Kibum can never be said to have known true joy before this. Because Taemin, beautiful glorious Taemin, has called out to Kibum with his perfect little mouth and all Kibum wants to do is crush their mouths together before they head to somewhere more private with ropes and handcuffs and—

Jonghyun lets out a warcry and charges like an angry bull towards Kibum. “How dare you steal Taemin away? I challenge you to a duel!”

Jonghyun’s voice snaps Kibum out of his reverie and he blinks rapidly, shivering in disgust at his thoughts. Hurriedly, Kibum brings the lemon down to his lips and bites into it, skin and all. Kibum tears off a piece as manfully as possible, chewing determinedly at the sour fruit.

He then smashes the remaining lemon in Jonghyun’s face as he comes towards Kibum with a crazed look on his face.

“Eat.” Kibum commands, before he takes out yet another lemon and shoves it into Minho’s mouth.

Jonghyun makes a choked sound, eating a bit before he spits the disgusting mush onto the floor.

“What the is wrong with you, Kibum? You ing manstealer—“ Jonghyun starts in an outraged rant before he stops completely. He looks down to his hands, then to the floor before he looks back up at Taemin. His eyes widen. “Did I—“ Jonghyun breaks off, before he sinks despairingly into the ground, head in his hands. “Oh my god.”

Kibum eyes Jonghyun grimly.

Jinki chooses this opportune moment to slam the bathroom door open again (the place where the brave leader has disappeared to as Kibum fights a lonely battle alone), legs slightly damp and cheeks flushed. His pants are still ped.

“Er.” Jinki says eloquently. “Taemin,” he looks up shyly through his eyelashes, blushing harder at the simple sight of the boy if that is possible. Jinki subtly moves his hands to cover his crotch, “Have I ever told you I love you?”

Kibum lobs a lemon at Jinki and watches with satisfaction as it hits Jinki right smack on the nose.

-

Minho looks at the lemon in his hand distastefully. “I hate lemons,” he announces to the room. No one is paying him attention though, as Jinki is speaking agitatedly into the phone, while Jonghyun holds his legs to himself like a wounded animal. Kibum is out to buy lemons, and Minho wishes he will hurry up and return because Jonghyun is a bad conversationalist and Jinki is engaged.

Of course, there is still Taemin, who is sitting in an armchair to himself, looking fairly traumatized.

He paints a picture of a sad, lonely, abandoned child and Minho can feel the faint stirrings of his heart again.

Minho looks away hurriedly and brings the lemon to his mouth. He bites hard into it, chewing desperately. After a few seconds or two, Minho can feel his heart stilling and he is able to look at Taemin without needing to jump him.

Alright, maybe lemons are not that bad.

“Guys.” During Minho’s inner crisis, Jinki has gotten off the phone and has apparently arrived at some sort of conclusion with the help of the managers. He is wringing his hands nervously now, or as well as he can while still holding to half a lemon. “Guys,” Jinki repeats, calling for attention.

Taemin looks up at Jinki with hope in his eyes and Minho feels a flare of jealousy. He chews harder on the lemon. Meanwhile, Jinki grimaces before he too, takes a bite out of his lemon.

Jonghyun remains an unmoving lump on the couch.

“What did the managers say, hyung?” Minho asks, frowning at the sourness that is now invading his mouth.

“They say that it is not the first time this has happened. Apparently, SNSD and DBSK have gotten it before,” Jinki says with a small smile that is probably meant to reassure but comes out like a wince of pain, “Do you remember how we were falling over our feet to buy Sunny-noona and Yunho-hyung things?”

Minho nods his head grimly. The dark days. He wasted $600 on a cap for Sunny-noona then. (The money used on Yunho-hyung was well-spent though.)

“Yea, so there are past cases, and the managers say not to worry too much about it.” Jinki continues looking faintly distraught even as he makes a calming gesture in the air.

“How about the cure, hyung?” Taemin speaks. Minho takes another bite of lemon.

“Lemons, Taemin,” Jinki’s voice is strangely affectionate and soft now. He catches himself though, and Jinki clears his throat before continuing in a rougher voice, “Just like Kibum said.”

“I mean, a permanent cure, hyung,” Taemin says desperately.

“There is—there is,” Jinki’s eyes look to the ceiling and he makes a garbled sound at the back of his throat, “No permanent cure.”

Jonghyun chooses that moment to break out into tears, uncurling from his foetal position. He blubbers as he chews on his lemon, snot running down his nose. “Are you saying I am forever going to have boners just by looking at that stupid—oh my god, you are so beautiful, Taemin. I love you, please marry—“ Jonghyun stops to swallow the lemon pulp, “—ing ugly brat.”

A faint look of satisfaction crosses Jonghyun’s face as he finally manages to say what he wants to say.

Jinki frowns disapprovingly. “Stop crying, Jonghyun,” he snaps in an uncharitable tone, “Everyone is in the same position.” A split-second later, Jinki is blushing as he realizes what he has admitted to. He glances at Taemin before whispering out a soft ‘I am sorry.’

Taemin flushes pink too and he draws the blankets higher up his face. Any further, and all you can see of Taemin will be his eyes.

Not that it will really diminish any of Taemin’s beauty, Minho notes. Taemin has sparkling—!

Minho groans out loud, wondering if he should join Jonghyun in his crying.

The sound of keys jangling distracts Minho from his deliberation, and soon the front door opens to reveal Kibum.

“Kibum!” Jinki calls out in an obviously relieved tone. “You are back! I am so glad you are back. I just got off a phonecall with the managers and they say there is no permanent—“ Jinki pauses when he sees what is behind Kibum, “Why are there 3 cartons behind you—Are those lemons?” Jinki’s eyes are slightly bulging.

Kibum brushes by Jinki roughly as he pulls the cart in. “We need to be prepared,” he glares superiorly around the room before he snaps at Jonghyun and Minho. “Help me unload the lemons, Minho. And Jonghyun, you can return the cart later on.”

Minho drags himself off the couch, resigning himself to the next 5 minutes of manual labour.

Jinki still seems somewhat stricken by the appearance of that many lemons in the dorms though. “Are you saying,” Jinki is plainly horrified, “That this is all for us, Kibum?”

“SNSD had to go through 3 months of this,” Kibum nods grimly. “I expect us to go through at least another 5 cartons before things settle.”

Jonghyun makes an anguished sob, Taemin pulls the blanket up to cover his face entirely and Minho stares dejectedly at the lemons.

He hates lemons.