It’s been days since you’ve been able to sleep, but your parents still make you visit your dad’s side of the family this weekend.

“Honestly I don’t see the point,” you groan hoping to change your mom’s mind.

“Look, it’s just for a few hours, okay? I bet we’ll even go to a real nice restaurant! It’ll be fun I promise,” you hated arguing with your mom, she only wanted you to be happy after all.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to spend time with them, well; it was a little bit of that. It was mostly because your recent break up has been keeping you up at night. Two years down the drain, just like that? In the end, you tell yourself to try and be happy and take care of yourself first. But then again, what was this lonely, empty feeling in your chest? You cram the thoughts deep down in your brain as you climb into the backseat of your parent’s car. They can’t ever tell when you are bothered because, well, you always look bothered.

The car ride is long enough to listen to all your favorite songs to help with your mood. You doze off a couple of times, which turns out to be more depressing than satisfying because of the reoccurring dreams you’ve been having. They always seem to start off the same: alone, cold and shivering in a dark wet room. Wanting someone, anyone to hold you, but you kept pushing everyone who came close away. You wanted something more; of course, you didn’t know what that something was. You always wake up in a cold sweat, relieved it was just another dream but annoyed for having nearly the same one every time.

Once you come to your senses, the car is entering your grandparent’s neighborhood. You were slightly glad because that meant no more dreams. Then again, you realize this means having to see your family again.

After exiting the car and all the hugs were distributed, the only thought on everyone’s minds was food. You all gather in the car once again and head off. The conversations are always the same, uninteresting and pointless. Normally about who has cancer or who just died or who’s going to die next? Lovely family chats. You listen to music and hope no one says a word to you. That’s all you ever really wanted: to be invisible.

Arriving at the overly priced restaurant your mother mentioned about earlier, you realize what you’re wearing may not pass their standards. Short unstyled hair, a short sleeve blouse tucked into high-waisted shorts and white sandals. It was normal for you to always be underdressed so you didn’t really care.

Walking into the restaurant you notice the waiters are all dressed almost too perfectly: the guys wore crisp white button-ups, black skinny ties, black slacks and black shiny shoes. There weren’t many girl waiters, but the ones there were in black short dresses, black tights and black Mary Janes. . I’m underdressed. You finally admit to yourself.

There was one guy walking around that caught your attention. He had short silver, messy hair and was easily the tallest in the restaurant. He had the prettiest smile and the cutest dimples that made him look sweet and innocent despite his size. There was something about him that made you feel again. You hadn’t had feelings in what felt like years, but here this stranger was giving you goose bumps all over.

A petit woman showed you and your family to a large table in the back of the restaurant as your grandfather complained about the location of the table. You hated being out with them, they were never satisfied with anything their money could buy. Though tonight, you weren’t paying any attention. Your mind was elsewhere. This time it wasn’t a bad thing; it was that mysterious waiter that wouldn’t get out of your head.

It wasn’t until you realized you had been staring when he caught your gaze and walked up to your table.

“Good evening, I’m Namjoon. I will be your waiter tonight,” he said smiling looking at each member of your family.

Your stomach drops. His voice is so deep and raspy. He had some kind of accent but you couldn’t make out where it was from. It was way attractive.

“What kinda accent is that?!” your rude, loud grandfather screeched. You nearly stormed off from the embarrassment. Everyone in the restaurant looked towards your table.

“Oh, I’m originally from South Korea,” Namjoon smiled and laughed off the incident. “Can I get you anything to drink, Sir?”

He was right next to you as he spoke. Chills ran down your spine as you kept your head down looking at the napkin in your lap.

It was your turn to order and you turn bright red at the thought of looking into his eyes again.

“I-I’ll have a water, please,” your voice is shaky and low. Water?! What the ?  You wanted to die. He was looking straight into you. His eyes were squinty when he smiled and let out a slight chuckle at your answer, and probably your outfit, red face and god knows what else. You look straight down again and wait for him to leave.

Namjoon. You say his name in your head over and over. You look up and sigh loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear.  

“Are you okay?” your family asks almost in unison.

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” you lie as you look down again and fumble with your napkin.

Time seems to move slower than usual. All you wanted was to see him smile again; hear him talk again. His voice was surprisingly calm and cool. His eyes were deep and intense. He was a walking paradox. You tell yourself you won’t get embarrassed when he comes back to get your food order as your skim the menu. But you couldn’t even concentrate on reading at a time like this. You overthink every detail as you try to perfect what you’ll say when he comes over next.

A different server comes to deliver the drinks as you let out another sigh, much different from the first. You felt silly for even thinking about him. He probably has a girlfriend, and even if he didn’t, he probably smiles at everyone like that. The negative thoughts seem to calm you down somehow.

You catch yourself looking around the room every now and then checking to see if he was coming back. You instantly shake your head feeling stupid.

Just as you stop looking, he comes back.

“Okay, are we all ready to order?” he asks looking straight at you, smiling so bright it was blinding.

“Y-yes, I’ll have a…” you pause as your realize you forgot to even decide on anything. “Uh actually I still don’t know,” he laughs and says he can come back. .

You finally decide on pasta, even though you probably won’t be able to eat from the anxiety his smile was causing you.

He comes back to you with that bright smile, never leaving his face.

“Are we ready now?” he asks playfully looking down at you again. You laugh trying not to show how nervous you really were.

“I’ll have chicken alfredo,” you say staring at your menu trying not to make eye contact, even though you wanted to so bad.

After everyone orders, he assures your food will be out shortly and walks away.

All you can think about is his voice. His voice is so unique. Everything about it is interesting and you want to just talk to him for hours alone. Or rather, you want him to talk to you for hours. You want to know everything about him, everything about South Korea, anything and everything that had to do with him. You get annoyed with yourself as you stand up involuntarily. 

“Uhm, I’m going to the restroom,” you mumble as your family watches you walk away.

As you walk to find the restroom you bump into him. You’re both taken aback and you gasp with disbelief that you just touched his chest.

“I’m s-,” you immediately blurt out only to be interrupted by his much louder apology.

“No, I’m so sorry. I should’ve been looking! Do you need something?” he puts his hand on your arm in the middle of his sentence and your face turns bright red once again. His hands are so big but his touch is so soft.

“Y-yes I was looking for the restroom,” you back away from his touch looking around.

“Oh it’s just this way,” he points behind him, “down that hall and to the right.”

“T-thank you,” you stutter again and make your way around him with your head down. He touched me. He touched me. You feel like you can’t even breathe properly until you make it into the bathroom alone and lock the door. Jesus Christ his chest was so firm. I mean I guess all chests are firm but… His chest was so… You look into the mirror at yourself and try to calm down. Just then someone knocks on the door. You jump slightly telling whoever it was it’s occupied.

“I know,” Namjoon, replies with a chuckle.

That deep voice…Your heart begins to pound so loud you can barely hear your own thoughts.

For some reason, you slightly open the door and he pushes his way in.

“W-what are you doing?! This is the ladies room,” you’re so much in shock you can’t think of anything else to say.

“I’m sorry I just needed to know your name,” his hands are on your shoulders now. Staring down at you, studying the features that make up your face.

“My name? Why?” you ask completely frozen. What the is going on?

“Because I think I should know the name of a girl I’m going to kiss,” he replies with a smirk.

“W-What do y-“

He pushes you against the bathroom door. His hands made their way up to your hair now, staring deeply into your eyes. Your breathing his uneven and you close your eyes tight. A little out of fear and a little out of…well mostly fear. You don’t do well around strangers, let-alone boys. But this fear was different. It was familiar and exciting.

“M-My name’s ______,” you spit out, not knowing what else to say in this moment.

His smile was different this time, like he’d waited a lifetime to hear those words. He bends down slightly and leans in to press his lips against yours. His kiss was soft and slow despite his assertiveness. His right hand moved down the side of your body to your hip. As he slowly pulls his lips away, you keep your eyes shut. You can feel your face burning. He laughs and puts some hair behind your ear. You open your eyes to see him looking at you like no ones ever looked at you before. Is this really happening? This guy…He can’t be real. You stand there silently contemplating what to do.

“You should get back to your family,” he laughs to himself, moving his hand through his silver hair as he opens the door checking to make sure no one was outside.

“Y-Yeah, probably…” you’re still shaking as you stand in disbelief and slowly exit.   

“I’ll see you later,” he whispers behind you in your ear with his hands on your hips again. He puts something in your back pocket. You feel those chills again, and these last longer. It wasn’t something you could shake. He picks up his pace to walk past you, walking coolly down the hall as if nothing happened. You’re still in shock. He looks back at you one last time before turning the corner, looking satisfied with him self and biting his bottom lip. Your stomach is in knots. You feel like fainting.

“Are you okay?” your dad asks. “Your face is a little red.”

“Oh yeah. It was just a little hot in the bathroom,” you reply still trying to calm down.

You’re frantic. You keep looking around the room, your mind won’t stop racing. This is another dream it has to be…but it felt so real. You bring the palm of your hand to your cheek and feel your still burning flesh.

For the rest of dinner, Namjoon is nowhere to be found. He doesn’t come back to or serve the food your table ordered. It was someone else named ‘Suho’.

ing Suho.

Another 30 minutes goes by and your head starts pounding. Why did he just leave? Your mind begins to repaly the incident over and over. He was so warm and soft. He smelled only slightly of cologne, as if he’d been working so long that the smell was almost completely gone. Is he on break? You continue to look around and decide to walk around.

You venture down the long hall where the restroom was. It was the only place you wanted to be right now. The hall was dimly lit with pictures of the restaurant’s history all over the walls.

The hall seemed to get longer and longer as you walk further looking at the pictures, reading the information underneath each photo one by one. At this point you just wanted a distraction, and it was working. Until the smell of his cologne filled your brain and the hall began to grow darker.

You snap your body around feeling someone’s presence behind you, but the only thing there was a long body length mirror. You look pale and begin to feel cold. As you slowly get closer to the mirror you start to feel dizzy. You sit yourself on the ground and try to stay awake. The smell won’t go away. His cologne won’t leave you alone. You’re just so sleepy and cold…so you give in.

—

You wake inside a hospital bed with flowers beside you. Your head is still pounding, as if it never stopped. You look down to your wrist and notice an IV, but all you could think about was getting back to him.

Your mom walks in with a glass of water and begins to ‘thank the lord’ you’re all right.

“I’m fine mom…” you confirm, reluctantly accepting the glass. “So what happened exactly?”

“You don’t remember?” her worried look wasn’t anything new. “We were at Angelo’s on Saturday night, having a really nice time I might add, when you up and left the table unannounced (to use the restroom we all assumed) when we found you on the floor near the restroom when you didn’t come back.”

“W-What do you mean I didn’t come back?” you felt cold again. “I came back and ate with you guys, I had chicken alfredo.”

“No…we didn’t get to eat, sweetie.” Her worried look softened. She looked and sounded as if she’d had this conversation before.

“W-Where’s Namjoon? He was there…he kissed me that night,” you could feel warm tears rolling down your cheeks. “Just let me go back, I’m sure he’s there today!”

Your mom lowered her head, looked at her folded hands in her lap and let out a deep sigh.

“Namjoon…isn’t here anymore, _______”.

What? No but…he kissed me and touched me and…

You suddenly jump out of bed and begin to look for the shorts you were wearing that night. The note. He put a note in my back pocket. Out of breath you find the shorts and the note inside. 

It's an apology letter addressed to Namjoon. You never got to give it to him because...

“We’ve been through this a hundred times,” she finally looked up with tears in her eyes. “I know it’s hard but you have to move on.”

You felt your cheeks burn again. Your head spun and your mouth was dry. After all this time, it was coming back. Namjoon was your boyfriend of two years. Just three months ago, you broke off the relationship. You wanted something more, but you didn’t know what. You were both so happy…but you felt empty. Not long after, Namjoon was in a car accident and was killed instantly. The guilt you felt for his short life overwhelmed you, and caused you to hallucinate on a daily basis. You were on medication for a while, but stopped because you just wanted to see him. You even stopped sleeping because you didn’t want to leave his side ever again.

Your mother waited patiently as you came to your sense. You cried until you were out of breath and tears. She held you tight and cried, as she did most of her hospital visits. You didn’t want to remember, but it was too late. You still felt empty. You still felt cold, and you still smelled his cologne.