Relationships are scary. I mean there are only two possible endings to your relationship; you break up or you get married. That’s scary that the person that makes you so happy right now could be a complete stranger later on or your forever. I think of these things when I’m with Chanyeol. He’s so perfect and I wouldn’t mind spending forever with him, but the thought that we might break up us scary because I don’t remember what my life was like before him.

“ What are you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? You seem really out of it.”

“It’s just that when you’re in a relationship you either break up or you marry that person, there’s no other option.”

“Wow, I never thought of it like that.”

“I just… it’s scary thinking about it, thinking about us.”

“Jongin? Why’s it scary?”

“Because I can’t remember what my life was like before you. If we ever break up I don’t know if I’ll have anything to live for. You made me live. I don’t mind if you’re my forever that doesn’t scare me. Breaking up scares me.”

“Why do you think we’ll break up?”

“Because we’re still young. I mean we’re not even all that independent. You barely turned 23 and I’m only 21. You can’t expect us to be together forever? It’s bound to happen.”

                Chanyeol held onto Jongin. It wasn’t the first time they’d had this talk. I’d been two years since they became a couple and only three months since they moved in together. He looked over at the night stand where the clock read 2:48 am. They hadn’t fallen asleep because they’d slept in that day, they weren’t tired yet. They lay in bed just talking. Jongin shifted to prop his chin on Chanyeol’s chest and just blinked up at him.

“What?”

“Which one do you think we’ll be?”

“Honestly? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid.”

                Jongin laid his head down and he felt Chanyeol’s chest rise up and down as he listened to his heartbeat. He felt Chanyeol begin to run his fingers through his hair. He could hear him begin to hum a song he didn’t know the words to. The topic was dropped for the night as they talked about other things, like their friends or family or what movie they wanted to see next. However, Chanyeol still kept thinking about it. He continued to think if they would break up and when, or if they would be together forever.  They fell asleep not that much longer. In the morning Jongin was gone much like every morning. He’d gone to work while Chanyeol would lie in until he decided it was time to get up. He didn’t have a specific schedule being a freelance photographer.

                 He got up and went to the living room to sit and stare at the TV till he fell asleep again. Only this time was different he didn’t turn on the TV, he just stared at the black screen in front of him, making his mind wonder around as it pleased. The topic from the night before arouse and he began thinking about it again. He remembered what his life was like before Jongin; he was perfectly happy and content with what he had. Jongin had mentioned that he didn’t even remember what his life used to be, that scared him, had he really been that big of a part of his life already that he’d forgotten. He decided to go out and just walk around the city; he didn’t really have a destination in mind.

                He walked around for a good three hours before stopped in front of a coffee shop, not because he wanted something to drink or eat but because he spotted a familiar face. He walked in and sat at the table next to Baekhyun’s, his ex-boyfriend. He ordered a random drink off the menu and just sat there looking at him. He didn’t realize it but his drink had arrived and Baekhyun was getting up from his seat and taking a seat in front of him.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Soo…. How have you been?”

“Good. You?”

“I’ve been good. So are you and Jongin still together?”

“Yea. It’s going to be two and a half years next month.”

“Wow, congrats.”

“Thanks. Are you seeing anyone?”

“No, after Chen I haven’t seen anyone.”

“Hey, can I ask you something, I don’t know, kinda personal?”

“Sure.”

“When we were together did you ever think of our end result? Like if we’d stay together or if we’d break up?”

“No, not really? Why? Are you thinking about your end result with Jongin?”

“Well, he brought it up last night, it wasn’t the first time actually, but yesterday he told me that he can’t remember what his life was like before me. Then I started thinking about it and I can, I think I can function perfectly fine without him but I don’t think he can without me. “

“Look, I’m not trying to set anything off but I think he might be doubting your relationship. Especially if this isn’t the first time he’s mentioned this. If he mentioned it to you it means he’s been thinking about it for a while, he wouldn’t just say those kind of things out loud.”

“What if he’s trying to hint at that he wants to break up? I mean he did say that we were young and that it was bound to happen.”

“Ask him before you jump to conclusions.”

“I don’t know how to bring it up. I mean do I just talk to him over dinner or when we’re watching TV?”

“Talk to him when there aren’t any distractions, or else he might not answer.”

                They continued talking for a good hour before they parted ways. Chanyeol and Baekhyun didn’t end on a bad note with their relationship they just both mutually agreed that the feelings they once felt were no longer there and decided to split ways. They remained friends though.

                When Chanyeol got home Jongin was already home and had begun on making dinner. He hadn’t heard Chanyeol come in so when he felt arms wrap around his waist he jumped and turned quickly to face Chanyeol. Chanyeol just let out a small laugh at Jongin getting shocked and then proceeded to give him a quick kiss before patting his and asking what was for dinner.  “Spaghetti” came the answer. However to Chanyeol it didn’t look like it usually did, there were different spices and a bunch of tomatoes laid out as Jongin continued to dice them up before placing them in a bowl.

“Spaghetti? What’s everything for?”

“I’m making the sauce from scratch. We ran out of the premade one so I just thought I’d make it since we have everything.”

“Getting adventurous with your cooking now aren’t we?”

                Jongin let out a laugh and nodded. He remembered how when they had barely started dating Chanyeol was the one that did all the cooking because Jongin was capable of burning water. Now he wasn’t as bad since Chanyeol had taken the time to teach him basic meals before he’d gotten the hang of it and began cooking on his own. Instead of helping him Chanyeol decided to sit on the counter next to Jongin and just watch him cook. He watched him move around the small kitchen getting everything ready. Once the sauce was almost done Jongin began making the pasta.

“Can you get me two plates?”

                Chanyeol just turned to the cabinet next to him and opened it reaching in to get two plates before handing them over to Jongin. They hadn’t really talked while Jongin was cooking, they never did. Jongin would be too concentrated on getting everything right while Chanyeol would just watch him.

                Once the food was done and they began to eat Chanyeol thought about how he should ask Jongin. He was slightly out of it and didn’t even feel when Jongin slipped his hand into his. He only felt the slight squeeze Jongin have his hand and was brought back from his thoughts.

“Babe? Are you okay? You seem out of it?”

“It’s just that I’ve been thinking, about what you said last night.”

“What about it?”

“Are you trying to tell me you want to break up?”

“No! Why would you think that!”

“It’s just that last night you said that we were still young and that it was bound to happen, and I thought that maybe… I don’t know.”

                Jongin got up from his seat and walked around the small table to seat himself on Chanyeols lap. He wrapped his arms around Chanyeols neck and had him bury his head in his chest. Jongin planted continuous kisses to the top of his head as he spoke.

“Oh, baby, no. I love you so much. I’m just scared, that it’ll happen and I won’t know what to do. I can’t help but to think that one day you’ll realize how great you are and how I’m not and that you deserve so much more than just me. I’m scared you’ll leave me. I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up and you won’t be next to me, that you’ll have gone and you won’t come back because you’re tired of me. I’m scared that later on you’ll like being alone more than you like being with me.”

                Chanyeol just held him and he rubbed his back soothingly. He felt Jongin’s body start to shake as he began to cry. He held him closer thinking it would help. He began planting kisses on Jongin’s chest above his heart.  He felt like an making Jongin cry and making him voice out his insecurities.

“Please don’t cry. I love you. I love you so much, please stop crying. I want to see you smile, baby, please? I miss your smile. Look I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. You’re perfect for me, I don’t need anyone else but you, I love you.”

                Jongin lifted his head looking at Chanyeol with tears still running down his face but a smile on his lips. Chanyeol reached up to wipe his tears away and let out a small laugh as he did so.

“See, there it is. That beautiful smile I love so much. “

                Jongin let out a choked laugh and as he hugged Chanyeol to him once again. He felt Chanyeol begin to kiss his chest and the up to his shoulder then slowly moving towards his neck and finally his face. He felt his lips on his cheek and slowly moved to meet his own lips. They kissed languidly and passionately.  When Chanyeol pulled away he just smiled up at him as he smiled back.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

                Those words had never seemed so true to Jongin but to Chanyeol they had always meant the same thing. It was amazing how the two of them felt completely different yet the same and those words meant to different things but only they themselves knew what they meant.

                Chanyeol never stopped thinking of Jongin’s insecurities and although he hadn’t brought them up again he saw how Jongin’s insecurities affected him. When he himself had gotten busy with work he’d tell Jongin he’d prefer to be alone while working instead of having Jongin there in the room.  After their four year anniversary Chanyeol started to distance himself, he’d rather go out by himself on day’s that they both didn’t have work and he’d rather hang out with his friends while Jongin just stayed at home waiting for him to come back. Sometimes he wouldn’t even go home and just spend the night at a friends house.

                He didn’t realize how distant he’d become until he slowly saw Jongin’s side of the closet become empty and the things that belonged to him seemed to be overbearing compared to Jongin’s. When he’d come home late there was no dinner plate in the fridge waiting for him. There would only be one pair of dirty dishes in the sink in the morning instead of two. When he’d come home and sleep Jongin wasn’t in bed like he’d expect him to be. He didn’t think much of it at first but when he slowly started coming home earlier he still only found enough food on the stove for one person or he’d find Jongin in his study reading or even asleep on the small couch by the window. He started coming home every day at an earlier time and eventually he started coming home earlier than Jongin. He made dinner for the both of them but it felt strange. He hadn’t cooked for them in so long.

                When Jongin came home that day he was surprised to find the scent of food already in the apartment. He put his things down and walked over towards the kitchen and found Chanyeol cooking. He leaned against the wall and just looked at him cook with his back turned towards him. He knew that Chanyeol no longer loved him, he felt him falling out of love shortly after their 4^th year together.  He didn’t say anything he just let it happen and slowly he began to move out no matter how much it hurt him. He still loved him so much but he didn’t want to have to deal with the break up and still have all of his things in the apartment. Half of the time he’d stay with his friend where he kept the rest of his stuff and half of the time he’d be at home waiting for Chanyeol. Or more like waiting for him to come home to break up with him.

                Chanyeol turned as he felt like he was being watched he saw Jongin leaning against the wall looking at him. He had this look on his face that showed sadness. He hadn’t looked at Jongin in a long time, like really looked at him. He was no longer young and immature, his hair no longer a platinum silver color but a bright midnight black that in a way toned down his tan skin and made him seem slightly pale. His face had become mature and he was no longer just cute, he was handsome, masculine, and y in a way.

“You’re home.”

“Yea.”

“I made dinner.”

“I see that.”

“Is everything alright?”

                Jongin just looked down at his feet not answering.

“Babe? What’s wrong?”

                Chanyeol walked towards Jongin to hug him but he saw Jongin step back.

“Jongin?”

“Is this it? Did you come home early and make dinner so you could end it today? But why do you have to be so cruel and end it today?”

“End? End what?”

“Don’t act stupid. You’re breaking up with me. I get it. You stay out every day so you don’t have to see me and you only come home after I’ve fallen asleep and sometimes you even leave before I wake up. I just didn’t think you were so heartless to break up on our 5 year anniversary.”

“No, Jongin, I’m not breaking up with you. I would never. I love you.”

“No, you don’t. I know it and so do you.”

“Is this about your insecurities? Look I know I’ve been distant but I love you. I really do.”

“But you’re not in love with me. I can tell. When you first started going out with your friends I was fine with it thinking that you just needed some time alone, I understand that. But it’s been a whole ing year and you barely try and make things better. You probably didn’t even notice that half my stuff isn’t even here anymore.  I’ve just been waiting for the day that you tell me that you want me out because you don’t love me and that you found someone else on one of your nights out. It hurts you know. It hurts having to harbor all of my feelings for you while I see yours slipping away without a care.”

                Jongin had changed Chanyeol saw that. He saw as he stood there shaking as the words left his lips, he was right too. Chanyeol did love him, but he wasn’t in love with him, like he used to be. He had noticed Jongin’s stuff being gone but he didn’t realize how much of it was gone.  He couldn’t really think straight so he said the first stupid thing that came to him.

“So, where’s your stuff?”

“Really? That’s all you can think of? My ing things. Don’t you care enough to even ask if I’ll be okay without you?”

“No, Jongin that’s not what I meant. I mean I want to work things out. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant, it’s stupid really. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me. I don’t what my life is without you here with me.”

                Jongin let out a laugh suddenly remembering their conversation from almost 3 years prior.

“That’s funny, because I remember I was the one that wasn’t able to picture my life without you but now I can and you can’t.”

“Jongin, you can’t leave me. Not now.”

“I’m not the one leaving you. You already left me a year ago. It’s just that we’ll no longer hold a title over one another.”

                Jongin was about to turn around when Chanyeol grabbed onto him not letting him move. He felt his shoulder begin to get wet as Chanyeol’s body shook. It hurt him to see Chanyeol this way. He wrapped his arms around him.

“Baby, please. Don’t leave me. Give me another chance. I’ll be home more often, I’ll stop going out, we’ll cuddle as much as you want, just please don’t leave me.”

                Although Jongin was tall Chanyeol was still a little bit taller and took it to his advantage he put all his weight to lead Jongin backwards onto the couch. They fell on the couch with Chanyeol on top.  He raised himself on his elbows and he looked at Jongin through his tears. He felt Jongin’s hands come up to wipe his tears away. What Jongin said was what surprised him the most.

“Stop crying. You look ugly crying. I miss your smile.”

                Chanyeol did his best to get rid of his tears while trying to smile as best as he could. He heard a small laugh pass Jongin’s lip and he felt his fingers trail over his face once again, but only there were no tears to clean up.

“What?”

“How did our roles switch?”

“Huh?”

“You were the one that thought that I was going to break up with you three years ago. Then you said what I said to you. But now it’s me.”

“I guess we have to uphold what we did back then.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can’t leave me for at least another three years then when those three years are up we’ll have an emotional break down and do this all over again. And it’ll be our thing, every three years.”

                Jongin continued to Chanyeol’s face but looked at him with sadness in his eyes.

“Chanyeol… I can’t. I’m hurt enough as it is. I don’t want to be even more broken down the line.”

“Let me fix it then. I mean you’re 24 already you’re kind of stuck with me now. I just need one chance from you to let me fix this.”

                Jongin didn’t know what to do so he just continued to look up at Chanyeol’s eyes where he found hope.

“I don’t want us to do this again in three years. I don’t want us to ever do this again. I want us to get married and adopt a child or a puppy or both, but I don’t want to do this again.”

                Chanyeol got slightly discouraged when Jongin began to talk but by the end of it his face lit up and his eyes began to water again, only this time they were happiness. He let himself drop onto Jongin as he held him as tight as he could. 

“Thank you. I love you so much. I promise to make you the happiest man in the world.”

                Jonging didn’t know if he would regret his decision later on but seeing how desperate Chanyeol had seemed for his love he took a risk even after formally accepting the fact that Chanyeol’s love had dwindled down over time. He was willing to hurt himself in order for him to gain a little bit of pleasure even if just for a moment. He was selfish after all. He’d always been selfish with Chanyeol, that’s why over the course of the year he still stayed home waiting for Chanyeol.

Wow first KaiYeol ever. whoo 3000+ words. well i hope you guys liked it and don't be afraid to comment or leave feedback,