Under the watchful eye of Dr Yongbae, Hana was able to transfer degrees quickly and easily. She quickly found that, unlike her previous classmates, who judged her every move after noticing the blue bracelet that held the school logo, her new classmates gave her tips on how to help herself by demonstrating ways to take out her frustrations out on a canvas or something else artistic. It helped a lot more than Tao or Hana had first thought it would. Yongbae seemed to know this, but he never let on that he did. Instead he would praise Hana for staying strong.

Tao became her rock. Like how he was supposed to be. Tao held her when she needed it. He listened to her vent. He even forcefully took her phone away from her when he saw her mother’s contact photo lighting up the phone. That was what Hana found different between Tao and him. The two, although always attempting to help her and protect her from her own emotions, they both had different methods of doing so.

Tao ended up being the comforting type that always seemed to know when something was up, even if she never let anything on. He was always there to actively make things better, to talk her through it and let her cry it out.

He however, seemed to think Hana could do a lot of it herself. He never gave more help than she thought that she needed. At times, it was what she wanted. But sometimes, it didn’t seem like enough…

There were occasions though, when she felt that Tao and Yongbae just knew too much and couldn’t help her in objective way. That was when she would call up Seunghyun. They would talk about Hana’s problems, then about his own. But as his entrance exams started up the calls became shorter and shorter. Until Hana hadn’t heard from him at all, not that it worried her all that much. Seunghyun was just busy.

Over the first two months Hana had felt that the antidepressants were doing nothing for her. If anything they made her feel worse. More than numb to the world. She had described the feeling to her art class one day as seeing the world in black white and grey all the time, only when something major happened did that colour of emotion burst through into the image – later this would become her art style, with her teachers and classmates praising her use of self-reflection.

It was during the third month, six weeks into her new degree, that she actually started to feel more. The colours no longer hid in the shadows; instead the grey seemed to seep away to make room for the new colours. At times she still felt numb, but still she was glad too actually feel something. But, at the same time, she also wished that she could go back to nothing. It was a crutch when she didn’t want to deal with things. When she didn’t want to know what something felt like. When she wanted to forget what she now knew.

That she actually loved him.

Looking down at her wrist she didn’t know what to do. All red, pink and raw with skin peeling away. What would people think? What would their reaction be to seeing someone with that blue bracelet and a red raw wrist?

Would Yongbae think something was up…? She couldn’t just say “I fell down the stairs” because it was a blatant lie and because it was too suspicious. And yet, if she told the truth it would probably seem more suspicious. Would Yongbae truly believe that she had dropped her easel and grazed her wrist on the splintering hard wood trying to catch it? Would anyone believe that?

It was such a ridiculous story… But it was true.

Sighing she quickly wraps a bandage around her wrist. Once. Twice. Three times before tucking the length in on itself. Not that that wasn’t any more suspicious… But as long as it was hidden, no one would question her openly. No one but Tao and Yongbae… Because that one person that she really wanted to ask her had left her with nothing but a dumb easel, a canvas and a box of acrylic paint over three months ago.

Yongbae had explained to her what had happened to the best of his abilities at the time, he still didn’t even know the whole story. But each and every time Hana asked about him Yongbae would always say “he promised to come back.”

And he did, Hana remembers when she had returned to her apartment after her breakdown. On top of the table was the list of rules they had established together and a letter, or note really.

I promise to come back if you want me too; Yongbae and Tao will look after you while I am gone. Until I get back keep yourself busy okay? I got you something – check my old room.

Just know, that I need to do this. I will email you okay?

<3 JiYong

That was it. Plain and simple. When she had entered his room she found the easel with a canvas mounted upon it, there were also some top of the line acrylic paints that rested on the floor next to it. Hana had hoped that there would be something more… Another note maybe… She wasn’t really all that sure what she had expected but it wasn’t the easel. And it wasn’t the paint either.

Once her new courses started she started using JiYong’s room to paint in. She tended to refuse to try another medium other than paint or pencil when her teachers asked her to try something new. And her works seemed to have the same depressing scenes. Some would be of places she held memories at, such as the swimming pool. Others would be mutilated images of a person. Its features would always be morphed or hidden and no one seemed to be able to work out if it was Hana herself or something else, but when Tao had seen it he simply hugged Hana telling her the same thing Yongbae always did. He will come back.

Slowly she lost confidence in that though, never receiving emails, never getting texts or phone calls. And when she tried to contact him… Nothing again. It was because of his sudden disappearance and lack of contact that she had managed to injure herself with the easel.

During one of her rage filled painting sessions she had gotten too rough with the paints, a bit too rough with her movements. The easel had started falling backwards and in attempt to catch it Hana misjudged where the frame would be and managed to graze her wrist. It wasn’t one of her finest moments over the past three months. And for that reason alone she had cried.

It was her fault. She had gotten to emotional. She had no one to be angry at but herself. It wasn’t his fault at all. It was all hers for getting too attached…

Walking to class with her new canvas in hand she fret about the passers-by. What were they thinking when they saw her? Where they looking at her wrist or at her canvas? Where they criticising her canvas?

Speed walking had become a habit, especially when she had one of her canvas’ with her. Always worried about being judged by strangers, she attempted to get to class faster without drawing more attention to herself by running. A lot of the time she ended up bumping into people because she kept her head down, and it was at those points that she did run, for a few meters before slowing up again.

Yongbae said that she was suffering from a mild – and treatable – case of anxiety, and that there was nothing to worry about. He also said that it might have been caused by a fear of rejection. He had left it at that, because they both knew where the rejection had come from. Even though it had never been stated outright.

Hana arrived in class earlier than everyone else. Which was normal. So she set up an easel in the back corner of the art room, next to the window that displayed an amazing view of the court yard below. Placing her canvas on the easel she went to get a brush. Sighing as she discovers all the good brushes missing from the vase at the front of the room.

“Why must people move things?” Hana mutters under her breath, leaving the room in order to take some another room.

There are a few students in the hall singing out loud to a song that Hana has never heard before.

“Loser~ Loner~” They sing, “A coward who pretends to be tough, a mean delinquent in the mirror~ You’re just a loser~”

Hana continues walking through the hall and into the next art room, taking the paintbrushes. When she returns the students are still singing the same song.

“I’m a loser~ I’m a loser~” and they finish with a giggle.

Honestly, Hana doesn’t try to ignore them as she is walking. But she also doesn’t try to over hear their conversation, it just carries through the hall on her way back to the classroom.

“It’s really popular isn’t it?”

“Do you know who it is written by?” A girl asks.

“Some new guy, he even sings a little bit of it.” One giggles.

“Oh! Who is it?” the first asks again, there’s a small pause, “Oh! He is cute! Kwon JiYong.”

Hana freezes just in front of the door to her classroom.

Her JiYong? Surely there are other people named JiYong who work in the music industry? Surely…

Hana can’t stop herself, she just runs. Out of the art building discarding the paintbrushes and ignoring her things that she left in the room. She runs across the campus, over the past few months the route has become clearer.

When she arrived in the office she didn’t even have to knock, to her relief. Yongbae’s office door was open and he was at his desk, going over some files. She walks in, breathing heavily from her run here, and makes her way to Yongbae. He looks up when he sees her hands resting on the edge of his desk.

“Hana?” he asks, “Are you okay?”

“Did…” She closes her eyes, trying to find her words, trying desperately not to sound so breathless. “Is…”

“Why don’t you sit down?” Yongbae suggests, standing and leading Hana to his normal chair, as it is closer than the couch. “Now,” he says kneeling in front of her, “What is it?”

Breathing deeply Hana just goes for it, “It’s his song right? The one that is popular?”

Standing, Yongbae moves to sit on the couch, he nods but Hana doesn’t see it. She has already buried her head in her hands. All this time she could have been listening to his music. She could have heard something that was his.

“I only found out the other day.” Yongbae states, “He didn’t even tell me. I was shocked to hear how well it was doing in such a short time. I had expected to hear from him if he had gotten a release, if he had managed to have a win with his music. But instead I found out through Naver.”

Hana didn’t go back to class. Instead Yongbae got Tao to collect her things from class and take her back to her apartment. Tao was to do something, anything, to distract her. But when they had both arrived back, Hana simply went to bed. Tao wasn’t even sure if she slept. Juju had joined her, making a high pitched meep when he had jumped on the bed.

Tao sighed, Hana, whenever someone mentioned JiYong, would always shut down. Yongbae had said that it was just her way of coping with the stress of loss. He said that it wasn’t the best way it could be done, but at least she didn’t try to hurt herself. The two males were sure that Hana would snap out of it soon after JiYong had left. But after all this time she still reacted badly…

A week after Hana had first heard of Loser, she was back in her art class. With a new canvas, she has only done the line work so far. Her teacher is confused as to why it is just a barren high way, and Hana can’t find the energy to explain it. So she doesn’t, she simply shrugs and gets to painting the grey scale image. Black for the road itself, then a dark grey for the desert next to it. She high lights and paints the sky a pale, almost white, grey. The class finishes and she continues to add texture and more varying greys to the image. It isn’t until the next class enters than she packs up for the day, traveling back home to cuddle with her cat.

Over the next week she finishes of the image, painting a very obvious person walking off into the distance of her road. The jacket the person wears is baggy and a kaki green, tight fitting jeans are painted next. Slowly the back of this person’s head is painted too. Hana revealing slowly that the images is that of a male, his head turning slightly as if to look back at the observer.

Her teacher praises her, stating that the image holds intense emotions. Some of the girls in her class cry at the image, stating that it is heart breaking that the male is alone and walking away from everything.

Hana simply shrugs, her lack of explanation eliciting a discussion from her classmates.

“He did it to get away from everything. He doesn’t have to be sad.” One of the boys says.

“But what about everything he is leaving behind that matters?”

“What if it doesn’t matter? What if he was hurt by where he was, I wouldn’t want to go back to a place of bad memories.”

“What about the person that cares about him the most.” A girl from up the back mutters, “They could be just as hurt as he is. Even more so by his leaving…”

Hana’s chest tightens, “It doesn’t have any meaning. It was just an image that was stuck in my head.”

With that the class disperses. And she leaves.

During her study break, Hana stays home alone. She doesn’t want to see anyone but her cat. Tao had said it was okay because he has a lot of work to do anyway, so he doesn’t bother her. Hana feels bad about rejecting Tao. She knows how much work he has, and knows that it is true that he has quite a bit of it, but she still feels guilty about not seeing him. He has done so much for her over the past few months; she should make it up to him. And eventually she will.

She goes to bed early that night. Too tired to paint, too tired to watch TV. Just too tired in general.

Hana wakes with a start when she hears someone swearing. Unsure of the time she looks for her phone. It is bright in her dark room, she is glad she shut her door to keep Juju in. She has to squint in order to focus on the bright lights, five o’clock, it reads. She has to hold back a groan in case the intruder hears her.

Slowly she rises from her bed. As she moves, she pushes Juju off the bed, and he lets out his weird version of a meow.

“.” She hisses.

Then there is a knock at her bedroom door.

“Who the knocks when they are trying to break into someone’s house?” she calls out, then clasps her hand over . If she wasn’t so tired she probably would have been able to hold it in.

The door slowly creaks open, Hana hadn’t even realised that her door creaked until this moment. Her heart is pounding in her chest and she is prepared to scream.

“Sorry.” The man mutters from behind the door, and Hana can feel her heart drop. He steps into her room, “I was trying to be quite…”

JiYong yelps as a pillow is flung at his head.

“You shouldn’t show up in people’s houses unannounced!”

“I sent an email!” He yells hands above his head, bracing himself for a second pillow “I told you I was coming back!”

The second pillow falls to Hana’s lap. “I haven’t gotten any of your emails.”

is tight, and she finds it hard to speak to him. JiYong is right by her side, sitting on her bed in a second.

“None of them?” He asks worried. And when Hana shakes her head JiYong wraps his arms around her, “And here I was beginning to think you didn’t want me to come back.”

Hana shakes her head again, “Why did you then?”

He pulls her closer, “Because Yongbae called my boss and told him I had to have this week off,” He gives Hana a sad smile, “He said someone close to me was desperately sick and need of my care.”

Tears fall down Hana’s cheeks, and JiYong gently wipes them away. “I’m not sick.” 

“No. I guess you’re not.” He smiles.

Thwak.

JiYong yelps, “What was that for?!”

Hana simply frowns, “You know what for.” She pushes him away and climbs out of bed walking out of the room and towards JiYong’s old room.

JiYong simply follows, unsure if he is meant to or not. They both enter the room and Hana sighs into the darkness.

“In case you forgot why, I will show you.” She mutters, flicking on the light switch and leaving the room.

The walls are lined with paintings, some are seated on the floor leaning against each other, there are two on the bed that has been covered with a plastic film. The images express moments of happiness, JiYong notices, when they’re in colour, and sadness when they are in black and white. There are a few images that have touches of both greyscale and colour. JiYong recognises the scenes almost instantly. The swimming pool. The tea they had with her mother. The theme park. The haunted house. There are some images that JiYong can’t make out at first, but he soon realises what they are and he feels like crying. The twisted forms of human bodies. Some of those bodies have red across their faces, others don’t even have faces. It hurts JiYong more to see.

Had he known what his absence had done to Hana, he wouldn’t have left her so easily. At the time he had thought that it was for the best. He didn’t want to know Hana’s answer at the time. He didn’t want to see that she had chosen Tao over himself, so her let have him without the struggles. He had left in order to make himself a life that didn’t revolve around Hana.

But seeing this, seeing these paintings. He knows he made the wrong decision. He knows he should have talked to her first. He knows that now.

He knows that too late.

There are noises coming from the kitchen so JiYong makes his way there. The room is lit up and he can see Hana making herself some tea.

“I am so sorry Hana.” He mutters. He really wants to reach out and wrap his arms around her again. But, after seeing what was his room like that… It doesn’t seem like the best idea.

“There is one that isn’t in that room.” She states, not looking at him. “I think it sums it up a lot better.”

“Where is it? I want to see it.” It comes out so fast he has to repeat himself, and Hana just nods.

“It’s on the dining room table.” She still refuses to look at him. No matter how much she wants to run over and hug him, kiss him, hit him, tell him how much she hurt, how much she missed him… She has to do this first. She has to show him how much it hurt her. She can’t just give in to him.

JiYong looks down at her latest image. He knows instantly that it is him walking down the highway. That’s why he is in colour. He was her happiness and he left her in her greyscale world.

He sighs as Hana enters the dining room.

“I won’t leave you again.” He promises.

She finally gives him a small smile. “I know.”

They spend the rest of the week together. Hana hits him a few times in the morning, saying that he should have called to let her know he would show up so early. JiYong shows her all the emails he wrote her. She hits him again, asking how he could get her email so wrong. But she smiles when she reads them again, they’re all really cheesy and he rambles a lot in the later ones. But she doesn’t mind.

Hana tells him about her new classes, and explains what has been happening in his absence.

She congratulates him when he mentions his music coming out. He tells her all the crazy stories about what happened in the recording studio. He even tells her little secrets about the artists he worked with that not even the fans know.

On the Saturday, they go out for dinner with Tao and Yongbae. Tao is the first to ask how Hana felt. Yongbae there as a friend rather than a psychologist. Hana says that she is happy but she still hits JiYong on the arm. They all talk and catch up. Tao and JiYong laughing at something stupid Yongbae did and Hana soon joins in.

“So… Hana, you never did answer our question.” Tao asks on the way home. He knows the answer, he has all along but he still wants to hear her say it out loud. He wants her to feel the happiness of JiYong accepting her out right.

“What question Tao?” She asks, she is walking backwards next to Yongbae in order to see Tao and JiYong who are walking together behind her.

“Who did you pick in the end Hana?” Tao asks, smiling brightly, and Hana knows exactly what he wants.

She smiles, “I can’t answer that Tao. You’re the only one interested.”

“Yah!” JiYong pipes up, “I really want to hear this too.”

Hana pauses, and they all stop in front of her, Yongbae walking back to join them.

“So?” JiYong prompts.

Hana looks at Tao, smiling happily for her, then at Yongbae who wears a knowing smirk. Last she looks at JiYong, his smile is knowing, but at the same time it wavers, as if he is worried that she doesn’t want to accept him after all this time.

“I pick you.” She says, smiling softly. “I decided to pick you, JiYong.”

Tao laughs as Hana squeals, JiYong lifting her into the air and spinning her around. As he brings her back down he whispers, “I decided to pick you too.”

Then JiYong leans in, and presses his lips to Hana’s gently. 

A/N:: And that is it. My baby (it took a little over 9 months to complete so really could be a baby) is complete. I hope you guys enjoyed the extra long last chapter it took me about 4 days to write that... 4000 words... Thank you all, seriously, for reading this, I don't think I would have continued it without you guys reading. I mean, I knew what would happen so what would the point me other than to get it out of my head? HAha

If I could give you all gifts (like a chocolate each otr something) I would, because you mean that much to me. I would love to know what you guys think overall, or just about the end. Oh and if you are not entirely sure what song I used (it should be really obvious) it was Loser (Which I prefer over BaeBae) and yeah... haha I love it. Such a beautiful song. I was going to use a solo song of his but I thought it would be better to use a BigBang song instead. 

Thinking about it now, I feel like I should have worked Heechul into this last chapter. But I can't bebothered. Lets just say he lives happily teasing and annoying the out of JiYong and his lovely Geng. XD 

Anyway, I love you guys. Feel free to check out my other stories. I would really like that a lot. 

Thank you so much (again) xxx