Even your voice, even your fragile shoulders, even your eyes - they are not mine.

Now matter how much I am by your side - you won't see me.

One moment's dream - I love you.

Tonight is ending.

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He talked to none in particular. Even if he wanted, there wasn't anyone who would listen. Sighing, he scuffled in the kitchen and sat at the table. He glanced around in the small room. His eyes fell on the number of a taxi company. His soft voice was almost absorbed from the heavy silence.

 

It always brings you to me. You drive away but in the end you come back to me again. Is it coincidence? Is it on purpose? Is it fate? No one knows for sure. I'm confused. Why does it fell so different being with you? Why do I always dream of us together and wake up to be harshly hit by reality? Change it, please. I can't stand it more.

 

On the display of his mobile a name appeared. 'Junsu hyung'. He let his phone fell to the ground. Trying to ignore the ongoing ring tone. Hoping to get back to the peace he just had. But it was wasted. Furious, he picked the phone up and smashed it against a wall. Suddenly, the longing silence.

 

Why ain't I happy? Is it because I never felt sorrow? Do I have to learn the hard things before I'm allowed to enjoy the good ones? Being young is more difficult than it seems. You have to be serious when you want to laugh, need to accept elders advice. Why can't I do it like everyone else? Why do I have to stand out?

 

Two arms hugged him. The man was smaller but his aura was gentle. Light brown hair fell him in his face. Smiling, he caressed the other's cheek and wiped away the falling tears.

 

I know what you want to say, hyung. Just... let me speak, okay? It doesn't happen often anyway that one of us finishes a sentence completely before he gets interrupted. Let me use this one and only chance to talk. I guess, I'll hurt you. Not that I don't do it on other days. I just wanted to warn you. Doesn't father always say I'm way too direct? Maybe I learn now.

 

His brother nodded. He looked the younger one in the face, eyes unmoving. His stare didn't make the other uncomfortable. More, he was sure he was being listened at. Taking a deep breath, he leaned back and looked at the ceiling.

 

You know nothing, seriously. I don't want to insult you. But compared to me you seem like a elementary kid who won't grow up. Well, I guess it could be a charm, too. What I want to say is... do I love wrong? Each time I feel my heartbeat quicken I want to make the person the happiest person on the world. I'll give her everything, everything she wishes for. So, why is it wrong? Tell me.

 

His eyes searched for an answer in his brother's face. He had raised an eyebrow, the smile had already disappeared. It seems, his hyung thought carefully about what he wanted to say. The second, he opened his mouth, the other man shut him quiet. Torn, he bit his lips.

 

No, don't. Your answer won't be different from others. Asking you makes no difference. A fool who doesn't know, never knows. Just watch and learn. Try to be a pillar if I get smashed. But please...don't say it. Don't say you knew it from the beginning. Don't say I should have known better. Don't say I have to experience that kind of feeling. I'm begging you. Don't let me hear those words. Please, hyung.

 

His brother shook his head. There was a sad look in his eyes as if he felt the pain the younger got through. Finally, he opened his mouth and spoke in an higher voice compared to his brother.

 

You're not the only one who suffer. Every human being struggles to get over an obstacle others put in their ways. Whining doesn't help. You need to take action. But it's hard, I know. For me, your face is an open book. I see every emotion played on it and I sense your mood. Right now, you're fed up with all that . To lose control over the things you used to handle just fine. To not know where the life you live leads you to. You're scared of falling out of love.

 

Silence met deaf ears. An unexpected answer. The ticking of a clock. Laughter from kids playing outside pierced their hearing. Nobody moved. The harsh words hung heavily in the air. Nobody spoke. In their heads voices screamed.

 

You always complain, you always want to be comforted by me, you always say you get over them. But in the end... only lies. They are the only things that are true. Strange, isn't it? Since when can lies be true? Then the truth must be wrong, right? In your case, it seems like that. You turn the world upside down. Don't you think it's unfair?

 

Furious eyes stared back. The tension in the air grew. Not much, and electricity would form.

 

Unfair? What the hell? You think I suffer for fun? You think I hurt myself for my own amusement? Are you sick? Hyung, I can't believe you. I thought you understand me. I thought, you knew how I am. How can you say such cruel words? You're horrible. I should have never started the talk. I'm so stupid.

 

He shook his head and hunched his shoulders as if he protected himself from the wrath of the world. Far away, the yelling of a man could be heard. The sound of someone bumping against the wall made the older one flinch. As he spoke his voice was soft.

 

You know I hate violence. You know I don't like scolding you. You know I hate seeing you broken. So why do you keep looking like that? Do you know how often I cursed myself for letting you feel the pain of a broken heart, again and again? Do you know how often I tried to convince myself that's how a kid has to grow up? You say, I'm horrible? Well, maybe I am. But you aren't different.

 

A small smile appeared on his face, full of bitterness. His actual bright eyes became dull. For the first time the younger man saw his brother as the one he was: a grown-up, an adult. Someone who knew about the world outside of the shell childhood was.

 

Probably, everyone is cruel to the ones they love. That's paradox. I can't understand it. Normally, you wish to protect them, to keep them safe, to hold them in your arms. You think you're doing right that. But when you open your eyes, all you can see is the cold sheet where this one person lied once. This feeling... it always comes back. You can't escape it. That's how it is. That's what it means to experience a loss. You can always find a new love, replace it with the old one, even forgetting it. But the things you lost, they remain deep inside you. Frustrating, isn't it?

 

The younger brother didn't answer. He just stared at him. One word escaped his lips. Hyung... he gripped the fabric of his jeans before taking a deep breath.

 

I'm sorry. It seems, I hurt everyone with my words, even if I don't want to. Maybe, I should stay away. Being isolated is a good way to avoid all the hurt, right? I can linger in the thoughts of the great nights I had before the morning came and I turned into a cruel man destroying other. Better for me, better for you. Am I right, hyung? I'm broken but can't let go. How stupid.

 

He snorted. For a moment, self-hatred appeared in his eyes but the touch of his brothers hands cupping his cheeks let it vanished.

 

I tried. I really did, you know? In the end, my efforts didn't pay. My energy is used up. I felt exhausted, I'm tired. What should I do, hyung? You said I'm scared of falling out of love. Maybe it's true. In fact, being in love isn't easy. I can't get on. It's just not enough. The things I have to give, they are not enough. Why do I lose when I try so hard?

 

Tears rolled down his face. His brother's eyes glistened at the sight. Outside, a child began to cry. The scolding of a woman, probably the mother, could be heard. A bird, flying past the window, cast a shadow on the floor. One pair of eyes looked down.

 

It's not in your power to decide. You can only show your love. You won't be able to control other people's mind. They think what is best for them, not for you. I guess it's time you think for yourself. Let them be. Let them talk. Let them live. It's time for you to open your eyes, my little brother. Stop living in your dream world where she stands beside you. Stop believing in the tiny hope she will come to you. Stop peering for her silhouette. Just stop hurting yourself, Minnie-ah. That's not worth it. I think it's time to let the taxi drive away. Giving it a last glance before turning in a different direction. Biding farewell. Starting a new life. Saying Here I am.

 

With a last pad on his shoulder the older one stood up, staring into space. There was a look of lost and helplessness in his facial features. Taking heavy steps he walked to the door. The stare of the younger one burnt holes in his back. But he didn't turn. The door was closed quietly. Smiling sadly, the dark haired man looked at the mirror on the wall. Dull eyes, messy hair, pale skin. He looked like a ghost. He didn't have any similarities with the guy that stared back at him in the past. Did he lost himself? Did he forget reality? Draw his mind its own fiction? Abruptly, he grabbed the picture and put it the bin. He had to wake up. He stayed too long in the night, the day awaited him. He needed to go, finally.

 

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