They had nothing to say to each other. Each of them knew they should say something, anything, about what was happening, but the words just weren’t there. As they had sat together in the living room of their dorm struggling to process the news Himchan had received early that afternoon, the day had uncaringly failed to join them in their frozen shock and the night had fallen just the same as it always did. From the moment Himchan had walked through the front door glassy-eyed and numb from the inside out, robotically repeating what he’d been told to Yongguk it had been nothing but silence. There had been no screams or shouts, no explanations demanded, no tears shed, no outbursts of any kind. Just this dreadful, stunned silence.

“I’m dying.”

Two words had changed everything. Two words delivered with a flat affect and an eerily blank expression that had rendered them both mute. It was true that Himchan had been feeling ill for quite some time, but it was just assumed that he was stressed and overworked and he would feel better if only he had some time to rest. The pain, the exhaustion, the deepening depression, the weight loss; of course it was all serious and everyone close to him was concerned, but how were any of them to know what it truly was?

“Are they positive?” Yongguk’s deep voice came out in such a low whisper that even in the profound quiet of the apartment it was barely perceptible.

“Yes.” Himchan barely squeaked the word out, his lower lip suddenly beginning to quiver. It was as if that one word had cracked the wall his mind had thrown up the instant he’d been given his diagnosis. He swallowed heavily and took a deep breath, staring at the same spot on the floor his eyes had been glued to for the last two hours. “They… they’re positive. All the tests… they all said the same thing.”

Yongguk’s gaze was also on the floor. Neither one of them had spoken or moved or even looked at each other since they’d sat on the couch, but now Yongguk stiffly turned his head and raised dark eyes drowning in anguish to look at the trembling man beside him. “Aren’t they even going to try? Isn’t there something they can do to stop this?”

“It’s too late. I don’t take care of myself like I should, you know that. You’re always on me about it. I’ve always been too stubborn and neurotic to listen and it just made all of this worse.” He had to bite his lip to stop the rapid, panicked stream from becoming too hysterical. “Even if I did, it’s too late. It’s already spread.”

Jaw clenched, Yongguk’s head dropped as pain seized his chest. It’s too late. Too late to save Himchan; kind, talented, complicated Himchan. Too late to save his best friend. “There has to be something,” he murmured into his chest. “Chemo, surgery, radia-“

“You know all of that is useless, Yongguk!” Himchan’s voice was high, thin, bordering on hysterical again, his head turning toward his friend. “It’s pancreatic cancer. There’s no coming back from that and you know it! Oh God…” His eyes grew wide and filled with tears as it finally hit him. Yongguk raised his head just in time to see those tears spill out and cascade down his cheeks. “Oh God. Oh my God. I-I’m dying. Right now. I’m dying right now. Guk, I’m gonna die! Oh God, what do I do?!” He all but crumpled into Yongguk’s arms, clinging to his hips with his face pressing into a warm thigh, tears soaking Yongguk’s jeans. The other man set his jaw against the sobs welling up in his own throat and a comforting hand up and down Himchan’s back, utterly at a loss.

They stayed that way for nearly an hour. At one point, despite his best efforts, Yongguk had to surreptitiously swipe errant tears from his own eyes. Himchan didn’t need to see him cry, especially not now. Himchan needed his strength. As helpless and frightened as he felt on the inside, Yongguk would die himself before he let Himchan see that weakness and fear at a time when he so needed him to be strong.

After a while, Himchan’s shoulders stilled and his ragged breathing evened out and he yawned, drained of nearly all his energy. He snuggled his cheek against Yongguk’s thigh, not caring that the material was damp and cold now, and held onto his hips much more loosely. He’d always wanted to be in just such a position, just… not like this. Yongguk looked down and brushed Himchan’s hair from his face, eliciting a seemingly impossible smile from the young man.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Himchan whispered.

“Where else would I be?” Yongguk answered, trying to smile back. Instead his traitorous lips quivered and twisted into a sorrowful frown.

When the others had arrived home later that night from their day trip to the beach they had been taken aback to find the older men asleep on the couch, but they all shrugged it off and simply headed to bed themselves, too tired to care or even wonder why they were there. In the morning Daehyun had risen first - as usual - and gone out to the living room to gently shake Yongguk’s shoulder. He awoke with a start and a sharp intake of breath, eyes bleary and red and heavy-lidded as his head jerked up to look at Daehyun.

“Hyung,” Daehyun whispered as he leaned over, curious concern on his face. “Is everything okay? Why’d you two sleep out here?”

Yongguk grimaced at how dry his mouth was when he opened it to respond. Glancing down at Himchan’s still sleeping form, he frowned, unsure of what to say. “Himchan… had a bad day. We were talking and he got tired. You know he gets…” His voice cracked a little with emotions that he pushed back down. “You know he gets tired easily these days. He didn’t feel like moving so I let him sleep in my lap. I just said it and slept here, too.” It wasn’t exactly a lie and he hoped it would satisfy the boy’s curiosity.

It did. Daehyun’s mouth formed a silent “Oh” and he nodded. “I hope he feels better today. I’m gonna go get the others up. We don’t have any schedules today so I was thinking, should we all go out for breakfast?”

“You guys can go if you want. Himchan and I have other plans.” Another half-truth. He wanted to talk to Himchan more about his condition and he imagined the other would need to talk about it, too. It would be easier without the rest of them. For now, anyway.

“This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a certain y song about a certain type of clap being recorded for our next album, would it?” Daehyun teased with a smirk and a wink.

Yongguk forced a wide smile, finding it easier to fake it with Daehyun than it had been with Himchan. “You’ll find out soon enough.” He may have been smiling, but his voice was tinged with sadness. He nodded toward the bedroom. “Go wake up your sleeping beauties while I wake up mine.”

When Daehyun padded away Yongguk looked back to Himchan still asleep with his head resting on his thigh. He looked fine, a bit pale maybe with shadows under his eyes and a bit underweight, but otherwise healthy. He didn’t look like he was dying. How could he be dying when he looked like all he needed was a couple months of extra helpings and a nice long vacation to be in tip-top shape? Yongguk frowned and touched Himchan’s hair, tousling it just hard enough to make the other scrunch up his nose and grumble as he reluctantly opened his eyes. Himchan’s eyes swept upwards and met Yongguk’s and he immediately blushed, pushing himself into an upright position and scratching at the back of his head.

“Did you let me sleep on your leg on all night?” he asked a bit guiltily.

“I didn’t mind it.”

They fell silent much as they had the night before, only this time the silence between them was filled with the boisterous noise of Youngjae, Jongup, and Junhong being woken up by Daehyun and shuffling around for clothing and towels, arguing about who should shower first and where they should go for breakfast. Before they spilled out into the rest of the apartment, Yongguk caught Himchan’s eyes again.

“What do you want to do?”

Himchan was visibly shaken by what those words implied and he shook his head. “I can’t. Not yet.”

Yongguk gave him a knowing look and nodded. “I took care of it.”

Himchan was thankful beyond words and could only reach over and grasp Yongguk’s hand, squeezing it lightly. Tears welled up in his eyes and Yongguk squeezed back, his own eyes reflecting the unspoken thoughts and feelings of the other. They sat there quietly while the rest of their friends burst forth from the bedroom into the rest of the apartment, still chattering in loud excited voices. They were clearly still feeling the high from their day of fun in the sun and didn’t take much notice of the solemn aura surrounding the oldest of them. Cheerful greetings were tossed to them and Yongguk quickly moved to turn on the TV to a news channel so that none of them would try to converse any further with either of them. It was an unspoken rule in the dorm not to disturb Bang Yongguk while he was watching the news because he often was struck with inspiration for lyrics while watching reports.

Soon enough everyone was gone and the only sound was the anchorman relaying the latest from the Ukraine. His words fell on deaf ears. Himchan had been watching Yongguk out of the corner of his eye, barely breathing from the anticipation of the conversation he knew they were going to have. He didn’t want to have it. A part of him wanted to just pretend that it was all a dream, that everything was fine; force himself to forget that he’d been given a death sentence and just be surprised when his heart stopped beating. The thought of having to spend what little time he had remaining knowing that each and every day could literally be his last… He didn’t know if he could take it. Maybe it would be better if he just-

“How long?”

The shaky words, reluctant to be spoken, interrupted his thoughts. Himchan didn’t lift his gaze, though. He simply shrugged, defeat taking hold of him. “What does it matter? If it’s tomorrow or next week or two months from now; what does it matter? It’s gonna happen and it’s gonna be soon and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Ya, Kim Himchan!” Yongguk’s voice had steadied and was strong and firm. Himchan couldn’t help but look at him now. “It matters! It always matters. For one, I wanna know how much longer I’ll have my best friend in my life and I’m sure your parents will want to know how much longer they’ll have their son.” Guilt hit Himchan in the stomach like an iron fist and he bit his lip hard as Yongguk continued. “More importantly than that, there are things you want to do; I know there are. Things you’ll regret if you don’t at least try to do them now. People are always so fond of saying that there’s plenty of time to do all that , but… but Channie… you don’t have that time anymore. All you have is now.” He paused and his eyes darkened. “I know you. I know what you’re thinking and you can’t just give up.”

Tears coursed down Himchan’s cheeks. He was right. Everything Yongguk said was right. Still, he couldn’t help feeling angry. Yongguk wasn’t the one who was dying. “Give up? There’s no giving up when you can’t even fight!” He got to his feet and began pacing back and forth in front of Yongguk, shouting hysterically. “You really think all I need to do is just try really hard not to die and the cancer will just go away?! Like, ‘Oh this guy doesn’t appear to be going down without a fight. Well, me! I wasn’t expecting that! I’ll just go kill someone else who’ll die easier!’ It doesn’t ing work like that!” The tears burned on his cheeks now and in his throat, but he was swept away by the dangerous emotional cocktail stirring inside him. “Why can’t I just pretend I don’t know? Why is it so damn important to count every ing day if all it means is that I’m one day closer to just not existing anymore? I can’t! I can’t… I… I just can’t. I don’t want to and I can’t.” He stopped and buried his face in his hands as he gave himself up to the helpless, heartbreaking sobs.

Without a word, Yongguk was on his feet and wrapping his arms around his friend. Mood swings weren’t uncommon when it came to Himchan, but lately they’d become so much more frequent and intense. With great difficulty he was able to keep the threat of his own tears at bay as he spoke. “I’m sorry, Himchan. I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me anything. I get it. But hey…” Holding Himchan’s shoulders, he held him at arm’s length and caught his eyes, forcing him to look up. “Hey, listen to me. You can fight back. I know that I can’t possibly know exactly what you’re going through right now, but I do know that it’s hard and I know that nothing is gonna… gonna save you, but there’s gotta be some kind of treatment that will keep you around longer. Isn’t there?”

Wiping his cheeks and sniffling, Himchan simultaneously nodded and shrugged. “They said that chemotherapy can prolong life in some patients-“

“There! See? Didn’t I ask about that last night?”

“Yeah, but Yongguk, some patients. Some.” He shrugged away and went for a box of tissues on the other side of the room, shaking his head as he did so. “And you know how you always hear that sometimes the side effects of chemo can be worse than the cancer itself. No, chemo would kill me. I don’t need any help with that.” He blew his nose and it oddly made him feel better, like he was ridding himself of some of the negativity that had taken hold of him. He knew he shouldn’t be taking it out on Yongguk, who only wanted to be there for him and who he knew was devastated no matter how hard he tried not to show it. Yongguk was scared and hurting, too, and that thought made Himchan feel incredibly selfish. When he died he would just be gone and it would be over for him. Everything leading up to it, all this terror and anger and pain that he felt now, would simply cease to be. But his friends and family – his Yongguk - they would have to live with hurt and sadness and loss. Looking back over at the stoic man whose tightly balled fists gave away the turmoil within, Himchan frowned and wondered if maybe it was possible that Yongguk was even more afraid than he was. “Six months.”

“What?”

“They gave me a maximum of six months to live.” He balled up the tissue and took a deep breath. “At a minimum… at a minimum, they said three months. Anywhere between three and six months. That’s why… I just thought maybe if it was gonna be that soon, I could cut to the chase, you know? But...” The words stuck in his throat and his voice cracked. “I don’t want to die. I know I’m going to even though it’s still hard to believe it, but… I don’t want to. I’m scared. I’ve never been so ing scared in my entire life, Yongguk!”

Yongguk moved swiftly to where Himchan stood, his shoulders shaking with fresh tears, and pulled him into a comforting hug again. “I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, man.”

Himchan clung to him and knew that it truly was now or never. He had long ago decided it would be best to take his secret love to his grave, but that sentiment referred to a time in the far distant future and the reality of it was so close that it was suffocating him from the inside out. “Guk,” he murmured into the strong, broad shoulder. “I need to tell you something else and if I don’t do it now…” He lifted his head reluctantly and stepped back, his cheeks flushing a pale pink. “You said there are things you know I want to do, things I’ll regret if I don’t do them.”

“Yeah.” Yongguk studied him curiously.

“Right. Okay, so…” How did he say this? “So there’s something that I… I have to tell you. I have to. And I don’t want you to freak out or feel sad or weird or think I expect anything from you, okay?”

His expression had become one of vague alarm. “Chan, I… yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah.”

“I love you.” He rushed the confession out and just kept talking in an attempt to delay the awkward silence that he was sure would follow. “As in, I am in love with you. Romantically. Because I’m gay. Which you’re not. And I know that and that’s why I never told you before and I was never going to tell you because I didn’t want to make things weird or anything like that and I knew that it was completely one hundred percent hopeless and that I’m a complete idiot for falling in love with a straight guy let alone my best friend, but I did and I couldn’t help it and I think I was in love with you before you even said hello to me and then after you did I definitely was and I just keep loving you and I can’t stop no matter what and I just needed to tell you before I… be-before I… You know.” He finally stopped talking and took a deep breath, eyes wide and staring right at Yongguk because he didn’t know where else to look.

Yongguk was quiet for a long time. He had never even suspected that Himchan felt that way about him. Of course, he’d known Himchan was gay. It had never bothered him and neither did his confession. It made him sad and happy at the same time; happy to know that someone as great as Himchan could love him like that, but sad that he would never love Himchan the same way. So he nodded slowly, scratched at the side of his nose, and his lips. “You’re like a brother to me, Himchan. You know that.”

“I know. It’s good. It’s okay. I’m honored to mean that much to you.” Somehow he managed a little smile and it damn near broke Yongguk’s heart.

Instead of focusing on the sadness of that smile, he focused on the beauty. “Although, man, you really could have maybe waited at least a couple more days before dropping that one on me. I’m still kinda trying to work through the whole cancer thing.”

Himchan laughed even as he started to cry once more. “You’re gonna mi-miss my bad timing, Bang Yongguk.”

Yongguk reached out and tousled his limp hair, finally unable to hide his own unshed tears from the other man. “I’m gonna miss all of you, Kim Himchan. But not yet. Not yet.”

In the weeks that followed, Himchan’s physical condition deteriorated at an alarming rate. He stopped going to practice and soon after stopped joining the rest of the group for public appearances. The company, still in the dark at that point, simply told inquiring press and fans that Himchan was being treated for exhaustion when he refused to be more specific. He slept more and more, though it was never very comfortably because his constant pain was becoming impossible to bear. Their managers and the CEO started chewing him out and demanding that he straighten up, but very quickly their anger turned to concern when they took notice of his gaunt cheeks and the way his too-thin frame shook when he stood still too long. At Yongguk’s insistence, Himchan had finally revealed his condition to the CEO and Yongguk had asked for an official halt to B.A.P.’s activities so as to prevent the press and public from finding out. Himchan wanted to keep it all a secret. He didn’t want to worry the fans, didn’t want the press hounding him in his final days… didn’t want the rest of the group to find out.

Since that first day when he had told Yongguk he wasn’t ready to tell them there had not come a single moment in which he had become ready. Every time Yongguk asked him about it and told him that he should tell them, Himchan just thought of all the reasons why he shouldn’t. They were too young, too innocent, too sensitive, too selfless, and too much of a hundred other things that kept Himchan from giving them the devastating news. Maybe he was being selfish, but he just didn’t want to spend the rest of his short life seeing the people he cared about most in pain and knowing that he was the cause of it. It was hard enough watching what it was doing to Yongguk.

Yongguk had always been the strong silent type, but he almost never spoke or smiled anymore. His grief over and the secrecy surrounding Himchan’s illness was taking a terrible toll on him both physically and emotionally. When he did speak it was often only to give harsh orders or reprimands to their younger friends. The tension in their dorm was thick and uncomfortable and contributed a great deal to the tears that Himchan could not seem to stop shedding. Everyone was on edge and he hated seeing the remorse in Yongguk’s eyes when he lashed out at the other members, hated seeing the confusion and hurt and anger in their eyes, and he hated that it was because of him. If the atmosphere of their lives hadn’t been so solemn, Himchan may have been wryly amused that now it was he who had to encourage Yongguk to eat and to sleep and to take care of his health. The tables being turned made him finally realize how much he had hurt him and the others when he had neglected himself. It made him feel like his guilt over that alone might kill him long before the cancer did.

One day a little over three months after he’d received his death sentence, Himchan found himself alone in the dorm without Yongguk for a change. It was difficult to get the other man to leave his side and he knew it was because Yongguk was terrified that the second he wasn’t there Himchan would slip away. Himchan had worried that his confession of love might cause a rift between them, but if anything it had done the opposite. Knowing how Himchan felt about him seemed to make Yongguk even more determined to be with him as much as possible. As much as his constant presence at his side gave the dying man strength and comfort, Himchan couldn’t help but feel some measure of anger and paranoia about it at times because it was causing Yongguk to neglect his relationships with practically everyone else in his life. It made him angry because he was starting to feel like everyone else, even Yongnam and Natasha with whom he was also close, were beginning to hate him a little. He didn’t want to die being hated or resented.

He was lying in bed coughing and wheezing from the effort it took him to simply breathe anymore, happy because Yongguk was finally spending a day with his family, but also trying not to panic because he was alone for the first time since he’d been diagnosed. In the deep quiet of the empty apartment Himchan implored himself not to die yet over and over again until it became a strange sort of lullaby that put him to sleep. He didn’t know how long he slept, but when he woke there was a cool cloth on his forehead and a soft hand on his sunken cheek. Slowly, he opened his eyes to see the worried face of Yoo Youngjae hovering over him.

“You-Youngjae. What are you… what are you doing home?” he croaked out.

Youngjae ignored the question and instead gazed down at him with a furrowed brow and a vague scowl. “Hyung, you’re very sick. You have been for a long time. I want to know what’s going on and why you haven’t gotten better. I’m tired of all the fighting and pretending we’ve been doing around here. Whatever is wrong with you is affecting all of us. We’re all worried and, quite frankly, some of us are pissed. What are you and Yongguk-hyung keeping from us? What aren’t you telling us? We have a right to know. We care about you.”

Himchan turned his head away as hot tears burned their way down the valleys of his cheeks. He couldn’t bear to face the accusations, the anger and hurt and fear that radiated from Youngjae’s face. “I’m… I… It’s nothing.” He shook his head as hard as his limited strength would allow, unable to meet the younger man’s eyes. “I’m sorry Youngjae, but it’s… I… I’m just sorry.”

“Is that all you’re going to say to me, Hyung?” He waited a beat, but his only reply was more tears and a short coughing fit. Youngjae could only sigh and adjust the damp cloth on Himchan’s head. “Fine. Whatever it is, though, I hope you get better soon now that you have time to rest.” Himchan felt the bed shift as Youngjae rose to his feet. “There’s a bottle of water next to your pillow and I brought you some cough medicine since you’ve been coughing a lot lately. Please take it.”

There was the sound of footsteps and then a creak as Youngjae pulled the door closed behind him, leaving it open a crack before he left. When he was gone Himchan opened his eyes again and used the cloth to wipe his tear-stained face. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. “I know it’s hard for you guys right now, but it would be so much worse if you knew the truth. I can’t do that to you, Youngjae. I’m so sorry.” He felt around for the bottled water and the cough medicine the caring boy had brought him and smiled a weak, sad smile. For Youngjae’s sake, he broke the seal and swallowed a couple doses of the foul-tasting, sticky red syrup and washed it down with nearly half the water, figuring it would make Youngjae happy and that it was the least he could do.

Less than a week later Himchan stopped breathing for the first time.

The scent of antiseptic stung his nostrils. A strange melody of various tones and beeps and low, steady humming registered in his head before he was even fully conscious. His mouth was impossibly dry and something that tasted of metal was lodged in his throat. Himchan knew without having to open his eyes that he was in a hospital room. The day he had dreaded had finally come. He felt more afraid than he ever had before and filled with more questions than he thought could ever possibly be answered.

But those questions were answered. He had suffered a pneumothorax in the middle of the night. He had awoken with a sharp pain in his chest that felt like a hundred knives stabbing him all at once, unable to draw air into his lungs. His sudden violent coughing and desperate struggle to breathe through his terrified tears had woken everyone else up and mass chaos had immediately ensued. Jongup started crying while Junhong held him and stared with wide-eyed horror, unable to move. Yongguk started screaming in his panic for Himchan not to die as he cradled his head in his lap. Daehyun was shouting for someone to tell him what to do, hands fisted in his hair as he paced back and forth. Only Youngjae was able to keep his fear in check, calmly calling for an ambulance and snapping at Yongguk not to move Himchan because it sounded like he had a collapsed lung.

Himchan was hooked up to an IV, a heart monitor, a machine that monitored his blood oxygen levels, and had an endotracheal tube hooked up to a machine that was helping him breathe. His friends had followed the ambulance and Yongguk had called his parents to tell them that this might be the end. By the time they’d reached the hospital, Yongguk had told the younger men everything. Himchan had pancreatic cancer and it had spread to his lungs. He was dying. Please don’t be mad at them for keeping it a secret. Himchan had only wanted to protect them.

It had been tough to face the procession of grief-stricken faces that walked up to his hospital bed the day after he’d regained consciousness and was able to have the ET removed. Himchan couldn’t remember ever apologizing to so many people so many times in a row or having so many apologize right back. Everyone wanted to hug him, but they were all afraid to; all except Jongup. The boy had clung to him, head on his chest, and sobbed his heart out, begging his hyung not to leave him. All Himchan had the energy to do in response to the heartbreaking plea was lay a hand on his head and cry with him.

That was two weeks ago. They each came to visit him once or twice a week, but the visits never lasted long. Himchan found it almost impossible to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. Yongguk was the only one who was there every day. Himchan suspected that he never actually left. If it wasn’t for the fact that the only reason he kept opening his eyes every time they closed was because it meant that if he did he would get to see the man he loved one more time, he would have nagged Yongguk to go home; go home and eat, shower, sleep in his own bed instead of an uncomfortable hospital chair. Looking over at Yongguk’s handsome face that was not quite peaceful in his fitful slumber, but infinitely more relaxed than when he was awake, Himchan couldn’t help the weak smile that graced his lips. Yongguk wouldn’t have listened anyway.

He was still smiling softly when Yongguk stretched and groaned, wincing as his muscles protested yet another night of awkward positions and discomfort. The smile caught Yongguk off guard, as it had every time he’d seen it appear since this all began, and in spite of his best efforts he could still not muster even a tiny one in return. A part of him wondered if he’d ever be able to smile again once Himchan was…

Leaving the thought unfinished, Yongguk pulled the chair closer to the bed and took Himchan’s limp hand in both of his, rubbing lightly to warm the alarmingly cool flesh, the corners of his mouth turned down. He had long since lost the ability to conceal the anxiety and apprehension in his voice or facial expressions. “Hey, you’re finally awake. You were out for a long time.”

“Was I?” Himchan’s voice was hoarse, strained. It took so much out of him to just keep breathing that speaking was now a feat of Herculean strength.

“Yeah. I’m glad that you… you know.”

Himchan managed the bare minimum of a nod. “Me too.”

They sat in silence after that, Yongguk holding Himchan’s hand and Himchan wanting so much to hold his back but was unable to do much more than occasionally twitch his fingers. It was a lot like that first evening only a handful of months earlier, when they had had so many things to say to one another and just couldn’t. But it was okay. There wasn’t much more that could be said anyhow.

A nurse came at one point to check the IV that fed Himchan the fluids that hydrated and fed him and the painkillers that kept from him writhing in agony twenty-four hours a day. She asked him if the dose we was currently receiving was adequate enough and he said it was. From the fine mist of sweat glistening on his brow she knew it wasn’t, but she didn’t press the matter. Instead she checked the displays on the various machines still beeping and humming their strange tune, jotted down a few notes, and told them both she’d be back with a tray of food for Yongguk in a few minutes. The hospital staff had long since accepted, as Himchan had, that Yongguk wasn’t going anywhere and they were so touched by his devotion to his friend that they’d taken to giving him the meals Himchan lacked the energy and desire to eat. If he wasn’t under Himchan’s watchful eye, Yongguk would have left every tray untouched as well. It may have been lousy hospital food, but it made Himchan happy to see him eat something and it made him really miss eating. He’d always had such a love-hate relationship with food, had deprived himself of it so often, and it was so funny to him that now when he was dying and couldn’t eat if he tried all he wanted to do was stuff his face. So it became the most important thing in the world to him that Yongguk eat. Sometimes he would even ask him to describe what he was eating so he could pretend that he was eating it, too. He would close his eyes and picture that they were in a café or cozy restaurant, sharing a meal like old times, and usually he would fall asleep smiling serenely.

Today was different. Himchan watched Yongguk eat mechanically and felt a familiar longing. There was still one very significant thing he needed to ask him; had wanted to ask him for a long time. With that time rapidly running out he still didn’t know if he had the courage or even the right to utter the words he wanted to say. Yongguk caught the wistful look in his eyes and set the now empty tray aside.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Hmm?” Snapping out of his contemplation, Himchan blinked as his eyes came back into focus. “What?”

“I asked what you were thinking about,” Yongguk repeated, leaning in to place a hand over Himchan’s. “You seemed so far away.”

Himchan mustered an affectionate smile up at him. “I’m still here, Guk. I’m still here for… for as long as I can.”

Emotion rose in Yongguk’s chest to test the strength he never stopped trying to show in front of his friend and he gave Himchan’s hand a soft squeeze. “You better,” he rasped before pressing his lips together tightly to hold back the tears.

The threat of those tears did not go unnoticed. “It’s okay to cry, you know,” Himchan told him in a soothing whisper. “I’ve… told you before. You don’t need to be… to be strong all the time.”

“I cry,” Yongguk confessed, casting his gaze down at Himchan’s almost skeletal fingers and frowning. “When you’re asleep. I guess I feel like I’m protecting you by not crying in front of you. The only thing I can do for you is be strong and if I can’t even do that…” He sighed heavily and his shoulders drooped with the weight of the burden he’d placed on himself. “If I can’t even do that then I’m no use to you.”

“You idiot.” In another time, another place, Himchan might have been angry. He might have yelled those two words and many more even though part of him would be thinking how cute and sweet it was for Yongguk to worry about him. In this time, in this place, he could only furrow his brow and murmur, coughing a little as he did so. “I don’t care if you’re being strong or weeping like a little… a little girl. All that mat-matters to me is that you’re here. I don’t need any-anything from you, Yongguk. I just need you.”

Yongguk’s lip quivered and he lowered his head further, a single tear breaking free. No matter what Himchan said, he just couldn’t break down. in a sharp breath and pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand, he finally met Himchan’s shimmering dark eyes again. The rest of the man had wasted away to a shell, but those beautiful cat-like eyes were the same as they ever were. Yongguk could see every bit of love Himchan had for him plainly shining in them. “I’m sorry, Channie.”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry that you fell in love with me instead of someone who could love you back.”

“I’m not,” came the immediate response, more firmly than anything Himchan had said in weeks. “I’m not sorry and you shouldn’t be either because you do… you do love me.” He smiled and gathered enough energy to turn his hand over beneath Yongguk’s so he could hold it. “It may not be romantic love, but it is love and I am so incredibly lucky to have it. Knowing you changed my life, Bang Yongguk, and I wouldn’t change a… a single… a single second of my time with you or with B.A.P.”

One by one the tears slipped down Yongguk’s cheeks, dripping off his rigidly clenched jaw, and his fingers linked with Himchan’s as he held his hand as if he thought that act alone might prevent the man from ever leaving him. “You really wouldn’t change anything?”

They both knew what he meant and though his fear and sorrow crept into it, Himchan held his smile. “Not counting that.” He suddenly bit his lip and gazed down at his hand in Yongguk’s. Maybe it would be easier if he just didn’t look at him. “Well… there is one thing.”

“What?”

“I used to imagine… what it would be like to kiss you,” he revealed in a shy, tired voice. “I’ve never stopped that, actually, but I mean our first kiss; the one you never forget. If I could cha-change anything, I’d kiss you just once. Just one time.”

Yongguk reached out and Himchan’s hair, his tears still falling. He could no longer be strong for him, but there was still something he could do. Without hesitation he said, “It’s not too late. You can change that.”

Himchan’s eyes grew wide with surprise. “Wha-what do you mean?”

“If the thing you want most is to have a first kiss with me then I want to give it to you. You are my best friend and you have always selflessly been there for me when I needed you and even when I didn’t know I needed you. Besides, if I’m going to kiss one guy in my entire life, I could do worse.” Finally, after four months, Himchan saw that gummy smile he adored and heard that velvety chuckle that made his heart flutter. He had missed them.

Laughing a silent breathless laugh, Himchan winked at him. “You’re lucky you aren’t… aren’t gay because I’d ruin you for all other guys and you’d be shi- outta luck. You’ll remember a kiss from Kim Himchan for the rest of your li-life, pal.”

As Himchan joked, Yongguk shifted from the chair to sit on the edge of his bed and bent over him, nervous and oddly embarrassed as their faces got closer. He also felt loved and happy that after feeling helpless for so long, he finally felt like he’d found the one way to make everything better. Tenderly he cupped Himchan’s gaunt cheeks. “I’ll remember everything about Kim Himchan.”

With that Yongguk touched his lips to his in a slow, sweet kiss that made the whole world stand still for Himchan. Yongguk’s kiss was smooth and gentle, the pressure he placed upon his lips was more perfect than he’d ever imagined it would be, and in that moment Himchan thought he just might be the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life. He sighed contentedly and kissed back with all that he had in him, surprising Yongguk a bit, but he didn’t pull away. Himchan was the one who broke the kiss when he began to cough violently.

Alarmed, Yongguk moved to press the call button for a nurse, but Himchan stopped him with an unsteady shake of his head. “N-No. I’m… I’m… I’m okay.” He coughed for a few more seconds before grinning as wide as he could. “You just… just took my brea-breath away. That’s all.”

Dropping back into the hospital chair, Yongguk let out a long sigh. “Greasy bastard,” he accused with a relieved smile.

Himchan was too weak by now to respond. His lids felt so heavy, his chest and throat burned, and he was so tired. He twitched his fingers and Yongguk immediately took his hand, rubbing a thumb over the palm to comfort him. Only the mechanical melody of the machines and the sound of Himchan’s ragged, irregular breathing filled the room for several long minutes. Just when Yongguk thought Himchan had fallen asleep again, his lips moved and Yongguk had to bring his ear very close to hear him over the beeps and hums.

“I’m glad… I’m glad you’re here.”

“Where else would I be?”

Himchan slept then. He slept for four days until his heart failed and he stopped breathing for the second time. He never took another breath and Yongguk never forgot their first and last kiss.

Thank you for reading my morbid little story. It sounds a little weird to say this about such sad subject matter, but I hope you enjoyed it.