“We are sorry for your loss.”

The words repeated over and over again as another family come and leave. Being the son and now head of the family, he bowed politely to the guests, thanking his relatives that he hardly know as well as some of his late father friends.

He should be crying now but he tried hard not to shed any. He heard the sobbing of his mother when one of the guest hugged her, telling her that Tao’s here, so he’ll support them. The word itself burden him. How is he supposed to swallow the sudden responsibilities?

Tao stand next to his father’s funeral, bending down to fix the flowers that rest on the mounted ground. Truth to be told, he is not that heartbroken. Yes, his father died few hours ago and he should be human enough to mourn but he felt otherwise. Not that he is happy or sad, he is more worried. He hate to accept it but the past haunt him.

Kris. He’s not here, right?

That thought never leave him. Whatever happen back then, he couldn’t accept it. Not in million years.

Everyone thinks that the on-going argument of him and his father was due to the fact that the latter opposed his idea of being a mangaka. People around him heard about how the son of Wushu Training Centre refused to be one that the father expect, how the head of the place wanted his son to follow his footsteps. And when they both had enough, the son decided to never set foot in the fellow’s home, as a way to express his frustration. They said ego could kill you but why is the fellow died in other way instead?

It’s ing fate. People died naturally or people kill people.

Tao reminded the phrase that Xiumin said when he reviewed one of Tao’s work.

He nodded silently, mind wanders towards the editor words, trying to connect how his work is related to his current situation. He bowed immediately when another family said their condolences. Every time he thanked them, the sound of sobbing and choking intake of air was heard from the side.

He glance towards his mourning mother and sister. Oh how Tao wish he could be a female and cry like that. They have it easy. Woman can express things freely. They can be anything, without caring the society telling them to stop and how ism actually folds towards the male than the female. Why can’t his dead father give him the green light and support him when he need it the most?

“I think it’s cool that you want to be a mangaka!”

. Stop it Kris. Stay out of my mind.

“Don’t let them think that you’re weak. You’re more than that, okay?”

Again. I am not weak, Kris.

“Your father have no idea. He should be proud to have someone as talented as you as a son!”

Well, he didn’t even reach back to me when I leave. So what the with that crap, YiFan?

Tao felt more than relief when the funeral ended. He needed all the energy he had left as soon as he reached his old bedroom. He slumped his whole weight on the old bed, dusts jumping into the air as he did so. With a stretch of his hand, he grab onto his phone that were placed on the dusted and worn out study desk, body still laid on the mattress.

As soon as he felt the gadget in his grip, he tossed and checked for new messages. As expected, more calls and texts from the editor and surprisingly a word of condolences filled with pity from his assistant. He lazily replied the texts and call Xiumin, telling the editor that he is not planning any suicide plans.

“If I want to kill myself, I’ll leave a note and tell anyone that discover my body, that you’re the cause of it.” Tao said behind the line. Xiumin’s soft chuckles are heard from the speaker.

“Just… don’t do it-“

“I am too tired to be suicidal now, Xiumin.” He sighed and sink his head deeper on the pillow, almost in the breach of screaming for the editor’s stubborn worrying.

“Whatever. Don’t do it. You know that we love you so don’t ever think about it!”

The line ended. That was typical for Xiumin. Nevertheless, at least Tao knows that somewhere out there, he have someone that he could depend on. Friend? They are family. A weird bunch of brothers that made him smile during his hardship.

The night ended when he closes his eyes, only to be greeted the next morning with more people coming over. He didn’t know how popular his late father is. Well he missed a lot. Those ten years is not a joke, for the visit from the latter’s friend went on for couple of days.

He thought the visit ends, meaning that he could rest and sleep. But being the responsible son and brother, he tried his best to comfort the others. His sister is not that easy to handle. She needs all the hugs and consolation by Tao, telling her that the absence of their father won’t change anything. Surely words are not enough to let her believe, but it was more than enough to make her smile slightly. And with a last tear, she sleep in his arms.

Mrs. Huang, however, can’t stomach the thought of losing her husband. Tao resort to sleep with her at the moment, seeing that his mother lack sleep due to her crying. It’s not her fault. Who wouldn’t cry over the loss of their beloved? They vow to be together forever but now who’s leaving first? Tao bit his inner cheeks for every time his mother reminded him that they look the same. The irony that Tao’s features shared with his late father. How can he feel better after this?

“Ziyi was there for him when he had his last breathe, Taozi.” His mother said when they laid on the bed. For some reasons, the bed appear bigger. He remembered the last time he laid on the mattress is when he had a nightmare and wanted to sleep with them. He was seven but it wasn’t this big at all.

“Ziyi is always there for everyone…”

His mother turned and faced Tao, fingers softly ruffling the black hair. “You know how father have a soft spot for her. But that didn’t make you any less important.”

“He loves her more.” Tao pouted.

“He loves you both, Taozi.” Tao felt his mother tossed and watch the ceiling. He copied her and wondered if his mother felt like one, white and empty. “It is only natural that she can’t accept it. Just give her time.”

“Of course. Ziyi and father are close. I am just out of the picture since…” Tao’s voice turn soft. He didn’t plan to vent his inner rage. To him, his father favorite child is Ziyi. Only Ziyi. Who is Tao?

Being the person who understand Tao the most, she hold her son’s hand. Her thumbs circle and that made the mangaka calm down a bit. “Will it be okay if I ask you stay longer?”

Tao almost refused the offer but the look on his mother face made him said yes. Her glassy eyes shows every bit of her emotion. They were awful.

“It’s been a while, Taozi. I think it would be great if you take a vacation, away from the papers. I hate seeing your swollen fingers and those paper cuts- you must be working too hard.” She lean closer, placing her head on Tao’s chest. “Plus, you can get tons of inspiration here. Catch up with the others too…”

“Speaking of…. H-How’s… ummm… Kris?”

“Kris?”

“Yeah. My tall friend, mom.”

“Oh they move somewhere… I am not sure, Taozi. They left a year after you’re gone. I think I have their contact number-”

“N-No!” his mother raised her head, eyebrows up.

“I thought you were close?”

Tao sighed. Thank god. So there’s a fat chance that they’ll meet during his vacation here. “But it’s awkward. Ten years since I last met him. He probably won’t remember me….”

Yes. Kris will not remember him. Please forget it, Tao silently begged.

Next morning, Tao decided to walk around town. There were few things that caught his attention, inspiring him to note down in his book. He draw few sketches of the people and surrounding. Maybe staying here is a good thing. The busy city life is troublesome, the sound of sirens and vehicles is a great distraction. It is almost sunset that Tao felt his energy died down.

“Taozi, you’re up?”

“Uhhhh…” he mumbled with face hiding behind the pillow.

He heard his sister’s voice behind the door. Right after the short trip, Tao laid on his bed and it was in the matter of second for him to fall asleep until his sister said again, “Dinner is serve and we’re waiting for you… Hurry up, Taozi… I’m hungry.”

Tao heard the sound of his sister tapping her foot on the wooden floor. How impatient. “Okay I’ll be there in few minutes.”

With that, he heard the sound of footsteps descending down the stairs and it fades sooner that he thought. She must be extremely hungry, Tao snickered.

The taller boy roll over his bed, taking a little moment of the soft mattress. He made a mental note to sleep all week – be it twelve or twenty-four hours straight. With a slight grunt, he step off from the bed and walk towards the door.

Though he wanted to skip dinner, it was not right to do so. Days have passed since he arrive here, and he is sure skipping lots of meals. That action worried the hell out of his mother. The poor woman is having a hard time and he didn’t want to add more. Plus, he missed his mother’s all-time favorite chicken soup.

Walking out of his bedroom, he can already smell the broth from downstairs. Oh mommy knows how to treat my hungry tummy!

He step down the stairs, clueless on what was happening downstairs. He was few step to reach the lobby when his ears caught someone in a conversation.

“Taozi likes to sleep all day. I swear I’ll pull that boy down. Poor Ziyi have to call him every time dinner is serves.” His mother’s sound happy. Who could it be?

“That’s Tao for you, Mrs. Huang.” A chuckle follow suit after the comment. Deep and too familiar for Tao.

The conversation continued and Tao paid no attention to it. Must be one of his father’s acquaintances. They usually drop by at this time of the day.

Tao is the type of person to have a good instinct. Well, not always. He is far from mistaking his own intuition but that changes overtime for Tao now watches the back of the guest. Broad shoulder and tall figure – taller than him. Brown hair swept to the side. Who is he?

He glance to the side, where a mirror is placed beside the stairs. He almost fell by the state of his messy hair, sticking upright in places that definitely show how ridiculous he look right now. Thanks a lot Ziyi, for not telling me. Tao pouted and fix his hair and when he is satisfied, he decided to greet the guest.

 He resorted that wearing a white t-shirt with panda cartoon will not be rude. It was the right time for dinner and he thinks that anyone would understand when they are greeted by a person in his pajama. Who cares? Well Tao cares everything about his look but at least fixing his hair to be more presentable is better than none.

He proceed to walk down and when he is at the last step, his mother immediately asked him to come over. Her eyes wide with joy. Tao find it weird. Maybe a close relative? Who knows?

“Quickly, Taozi!” she chirped.

Tao obeyed and swiftly move beside her. His eyes fixed on his t-shirt. How embarrassing. He should have worn something else but too late. The deed is done as the guest now stare at him. He whipped his head up, meeting the latter’s eyes.

Again, Tao is the type to trust his instinct and part of him wanted to believe. He can’t deny that the deep chuckles and voice brought him back to the past. Well, all of that passed because now, he stood in front a person that he greatly wanted to avoid.
 

“Nice to meet you, Taozi,” The guest smiled. “Still a panda fan, huh?”

Tao freeze in his place. His hands clenched to the sides of his pants.

“K-Kris? KRIS?!”

“Geez, you don’t have to shout…” the said man pulled Tao into a hug. And with a beat, Tao almost faint. Not because he was hungry and in need of food, but he was too shocked to be embraced by Kris. He can feel his heart raced and it is not a good thing.

“I miss you, Tao.”

Just when he needed a great vacation and Kris decided to pop here and say hello?

Tao felt like running to the end of the world.