I reccomend listening to confession (고백하는 거야) - taehyun (winner)  while reading this

“Have you ever acknowledged my existence?”

The question caught Yoongi off guard but he kept a straight face, not letting any emotions slide from it.

“No.” he said dryly and continued on pouring himself a glass of wine.

Jimin was standing just a few steps away from him but the two felt so far from each other, as if they were strangers meeting for the first time.

“I see.” Jimin laughed airily. Yoongi has always loved Jimin’s laugh.

The younger his heels and headed for the door of the apartment. He kept his hands on the doorknob and looked back at Yoongi one last time before saying: “Thanks, for everything.”

He left without another word and there was only Yoongi standing dumbfounded in the small kitchen, wine glass hanging from his hand and lips pursed into a line. Yoongi has gotten sick of Jimin over the past years.

Yoongi hated that Jimin was so ignorant and had the mindset of a child. Yoongi hated that the younger could just look at everything like it was a joke. Yoongi hated that the male has such low self-esteem that one single comment would have him moping for weeks. But the thing Yoongi hated about Jimin the most was that no matter what happens, he was always thankful, always apologizing for the stuff he didn’t even do. Yoongi hated Jimin for that. Or maybe he just hated himself, Yoongi wasn’t sure anymore.

The months come and go but Yoongi is still standing in the same place he did when Jimin left. He was still bitter, still alone, still drowning his problems with alcohol and acting like he wasn’t addicted. He didn’t know why he left the younger. Maybe it was because of the overly happy and energized presence Jimin had set in his life when he was here. Or maybe it was the weak, scared feeling the younger had inhabited from all those years of being bullied and teased that made him irritated. Yoongi just couldn’t stand any of Jimin’s problems anymore and he didn’t want the younger to suffer any of his either. But Yoongi still missed him, he missed him a lot, more than Jimin would ever know. The last thing he had told the younger was a lie and he felt so guilty for it because the thanks he got from Jimin sounded so sincere.

“I just didn’t want to see you get hurt. But I ended hurting you more than I could have ever known. I’m sorry.”

It was just one fortunate day that Yoongi came across Jimin’s face at the nearby coffee shop that they used to visit together. But it was unfortunate that he had to see the picture of Jimin in another man’s arms, smiling at another person, laughing at another person’s jokes. It was almost painful to watch for Yoongi and he had to prevent himself from crushing the plastic cup in his hands.

They made eye contact for nearly a second and both turned away quickly, knowing that it would be better to not talk to each other at all. Yoongi stood up and exited the coffee shop, not wanting any more of the sight in front of him.

The man next to Jimin was tall, handsome and one look at him would tell that he came from an educated family. Yoongi was jealous but happy at the same time. Jimin deserved someone like that. He took the pack of cigarette out of his pockets and lit it, inhaling the smoke that filled his lungs, making his insides warmer.

“You shouldn’t smoke.”

The voice was soft and gentle but had annoyance laced in it. Yoongi closed his eyes for a brief moment before opening them again. In front of him Jimin was standing there with worry in his eyes. He looked great. His skin was glowing and he had dyed his hair back to black which contrasted with his skin, making him look paler.

“Since when do I care?” Yoongi answered. He didn’t mean for those words to come out but they just did. He doesn’t know why he acted like this in front of Jimin.

“You’re right. You don’t care, but I do.” The younger said and reached for the cancer stick dangling from Yoongi’s lips.

Yoongi smacked his hands away and turned to face another direction, avoiding eye contact with Jimin as long as possible.

“Why are you still here? Why do you care about other people so much when they treat you like ?” Yoongi asked, annoyed.

Jimin shook his head and laughed a bit, the sound still as beautiful as ever.

“I don’t know either. I don’t know why I still think about you even when you’ve clearly forgotten me.”

I haven’t  forgotten you, Yoongi wanted to say, I miss you so bad and I want you back, please come back.

“I know I’m stupid and my mentality is nowhere near yours. I wouldn’t even stand a chance with you.”

No, I’m the one that’s not good enough, I’m the one that’s a mistake. You should be the one forgiving me.

But the words never made their way to his lips and Yoongi found himself saying something he would regret forever.

“Why don’t you just go back to your boyfriend? He seems happy enough to accept you.”

Yoongi bit his inner cheeks until blood started seeping from them and the tangy taste filled his mouth. Why did he say that?

Jimin looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet a bit. He’s actually my cousin, he wanted to say but decided against it. If this is what Yoongi wants then he’ll comply.

“Stay safe hyung”, he says instead, “See you around.”

And that’s why Yoongi hates Jimin so much, because Jimin was like a God in his eyes. Always forgiving people for their mistakes and taking care of them no matter how bad they treated him. The childish mindset, the sensitivity, the jokes; they were all of Jimin’s best qualities, qualities that no one else possesses. Jimin was like love. He was kind and gentle, invading your heart so quick that you wouldn’t even have the time to process it. He was everything Yoongi wasn’t.

“Thank you…” Yoongi whispered. “…for loving me.”