sanghyuk watches quietly as wonshik types away on his notebook. ever since they moved back to a room together, he hasn’t been able to fall asleep listening to wonshik hum to random tunes as he tries to come up with something new.

somewhere in one of the bathrooms hakyeon and jaehwan are squabbling over something (“what is this mess – yah, lee jaehwan use the toothpaste properly! why are you squirting it all over!” “when did i do that, hyung! it’s probably taekwoon-hyung – ow!”) and hongbin is doing the laundry at the back of their apartment. it is storming outside, and they ended practice early for fear that they would be caught in this rain for the night. sanghyuk tries to get his attention back on the manga he is reading, but finds himself unable to, not when wonshik is looking adorable with his hood up, eyebrows furrowed together as he attempts to, sanghyuk guesses, come up with lyrics.

“sanghyuk-ah,” hongbin calls for him and he jumps, dropping the book in his hands. wonshik looks up at him.

“y-yeah hyung?” he stands up quickly, picking the book up and avoiding wonshik’s eyes as he practically runs into the kitchen to look for hongbin.

“bring taekwoon-hyung’s jacket over for me, i left it on the floor in our room.” hongbin instructs, unfolding someone’s tshirt before throwing it into the washing machine.

wonshik is still looking at sanghyuk when he walks into their shared bedroom, but by the time he comes out again he is back to frowning at the screen of his notebook, and sanghyuk lets out a breath he hasn’t realize he had been holding.

he doesn’t know when this started. this referring to the infatuation he seems to have towards kim wonshik, rapper of their group, his fourth oldest hyung. maybe it started when they were kicked into the same room together, and wonshik would constantly ask for his opinion on some lyrics he’s been writing. or maybe it’s when he started the ‘rapper of the group’ joke and they would get into sudden rap battles in the midst of a break, usually ending in laughter. maybe it all began when wonshik pulled him into a hug when he cried before the final elimination round that determined who gets to debut. hell, sanghyuk doesn’t know. his heart beats faster when wonshik’s attention is on him, he likes to be around him and he feels happy with wonshik is happy. that’s all he knows.

 it’s weird, sanghyuk hasn’t felt this much towards someone before, much less a man. he has dated once, not long before he had actually joined the company, and even then he can’t really say that he loved her. but to wonshik, even though he isn’t sure if it truly is love, he can be sure that he definitely wants to be with him more than anyone else.

he’s talked to wonshik about it late one night, sometime after promotions for the Jekyll album has ended. it was quiet that night, he remembers, and very warm as well, despite how they have the AC . they were supposed to be sleeping, but wonshik was busy typing away on his notebook, having found some inspiration that day, and sanghyuk was too winded up by his thoughts to fall asleep.  

(“hyung.” he called, rolling over to face him upright on his mattress.

“mm.” came wonshik’s grunt of acknowledgement, accompanied by the sound of more typing on the keyboard.

“i… i think i like you.”

the typing stopped. sanghyuk tensed up, waiting for wonshik’s response.

“what do you mean, hyuk-ah.” wonshik’s voice was strained, and sanghyuk can see how his brows furrowed, probably for a completely different reason this time.

“i like you, hyung. at least, i think i do.”

wonshik remained quiet. sanghyuk went on to explain how he feels, the adoration, the happiness, but stopped soon after when wonshik remained as still as before.

the silence stretched on for a few minutes, and sanghyuk was left wondering if he had screwed up, when wonshik turned to him, carrying a smile that is as strained as his voice.

“hyuk-ah, hyung is thankful that you adore me that way, but…” he faltered for a moment. “that… is not love.”

sanghyuk was about to speak when wonshik continued. “you’re still young, this is probably just a phase, sanghyuk-ah. it’s not wrong, but it’s not love either.”

he was displeased with what wonshik has said. “how does being young has anything to do with this, hyung. i know what love is, i’ve dated before, and i’m sure what I feel for you is much different from what I felt for her.”

wonshik’s smile faded, and he stared at sanghyuk, looking like he’s thinking about what to say next. sanghyuk looked down, at the wooden floorboards, the patterns on his bedsheet, anywhere but wonshik. he felt the tears b in his eyes, and clenched his fist to keep them in.

and then wonshik stood up and walked in front of him. sanghyuk dared not look up, he didn’t want him to see his tears. he felt a hand carding through his hair, and the tears flowed when wonshik ruffled his hair softly.

“I’m sorry, sanghyuk-ah.” wonshik spoke gently. “it’ll be over soon, i really hope it will.”

 and when he left the room, sanghyuk could no longer hold the sobs back.)

sanghyuk woke up, unsure of what was the cause of it as he reaches for his phone. “three-fifty-six…” he reads and rubs his eyes, deciding to go get some water. he takes note that wonshik’s bed is empty on his way out, and stops, wondering if he should wait for him to return so that he wouldn’t have to face him. but knowing wonshik, there’s a chance that he might be working on something again, and he might have fell asleep in the other room halfway through it. sanghyuk sighs, and heads out to the kitchen anyway, pouring himself a glass of water.

the door to the other room is closed, the room where wonshik and him used to sleep in. wonshik spends most of his nights in there now, if not in the company’s studio where he has his own workspace.  sanghyuk feels like he should wake wonshik up if he fell asleep inside, it’s cold tonight and he’s going to wake up complaining that he has a sore neck again if he sleeps like that.  but neither does he want to face wonshik alone this way, their relationship has been lying on the lines of ‘awkward’ ever since he told him how he felt, with sanghyuk avoiding being with him alone and wonshik trying his best to patch things up to go back to how they used to be – which sanghyuk thinks is impossible. after standing in the cold for a good five minutes just contemplating if he should go in and check on him, he decides to lean against the door and listen out for the typing noise. all that he hears is familiar snoring, and he sighs again, knocking his head against the door softly.

alright, sanghyuk. be a man and do this. he tells himself, and heads inside the room. sure enough, wonshik has fallen asleep in front of his notebook again, papers filled with words strewn all around him. sanghyuk stares at him for a moment, feeling his breath quickening and palms clamming up. with shaky hands he taps wonshik’s shoulders and calls him quietly. “hyung, wonshik-hyung.”

wonshik grunts, and sanghyuk knows he’s at least half-awake from the months of being in charge of waking him up. “hyung, go back to the room and sleep, you’re going to get muscle aches again like this.”

he moves back when wonshik groans, voice lower than usual, but nothing sanghyuk hasn’t heard before. “what time is it.” he asks, and sanghyuk tells him it’s four in the morning.

“alright,” wonshik stands up, shutting his notebook with his eye barely open and yawns. “thanks, kiddo.”

sanghyuk freezes when wonshik ruffles his hair again.

“go back to sleep too, hyuk-ah.” wonshik mumbles sleepily, and walks pass him to leave.

he’s reminded of that night, and with his heart racing and mind spinning, he doubts he can get anymore sleep tonight. 

if this is a phase, sanghyuk thinks, it’s definitely not going to be over soon.