Title: Old Flabby Cows

Pairing: Eeteuk/Hankyung friendship

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Future AU

A/N: Very crackish, will not happen (I hope). Nothing these two erts say is meant to be offensive, purely a work of fiction.

 

“Damn,” Eeteuk exclaimed. “Look at that girl!” Hankyung let out a loud and rather lewd sounding whistle. Their heads turned from left to right in sync as they watched the aforementioned girl strut pass in her bum-hugging denim shorts cladding long, milky legs that could have landed her in SNSD, back in their days. They watched her with fingers pressed longingly onto the glass, from behind the window of the cafe they were hogging, which was already dirtied from similar fingerprints. 

 

She turned the corner, disappearing from sight, and the two dropped back despondently into their chairs. The two cups of expressos they had ordered so they would not be kicked out was turning disgustingly cold, yet it remained untouched. They knew from experience that if they finished it, after a few hours an awkward waiter would ask them politely to leave, then they would have to either do so or buy another one, which would cost. 

 

They stared blankly at each other, then at their coffee cups, then out of the full-length glass window. 

 

“Maybe we should have gone out and asked for her number or something.” Eeteuk sighed.

 

“Maybe we should be doing something with our lives or something.” Hankyung sighed.

 

So this was the life of an ex-idol past their prime, they thought. It sure wasn’t what they signed up for when Super Junior finally ended. 

 

“We’re like creepy old uncles ing on little girls.” Eeteuk deadpanned.

 

“In Chinese there’s a saying for this,” Hankyung paused momentarily for dramatic effect, and upon meeting a raised eyebrow which could only convey indifference, he realised that they were no longer on variety shows, so he gave up. 

 

“It would loosely translate into old cows eating young grass.” Hankyung deadpanned.

 

Such meeting-ups ‘for a cup of coffee’ which Eeteuk and Hankyung went on monthly had only ever earned them grossed-out looks, a 180-degree change from the almost maniacally adoring looks they were used to. But they were steadily getting used to those new looks as well.

 

“We turned from healthy teenagers having wet dreams about girls into old, flabby cows in an instance.” Eeteuk bemoaned.

 

“We never did manage to get to the mutual attraction stage. When we were idols there were only fans, and we couldn’t think of them as girls!” Hankyung bemoaned.

 

That was when another model-like girl strutted past the window, and they were pressed against the glass in seconds. 

 

“Man, that girl is better than the last one!” Eeteuk was almost drooling. Hankyung nodded fervently in agreement. 

 

They would have moved their heads in sync as they watched the girl walk past, but each suddenly had a large and painfully gripping hand on the top of their heads.

 

“Do you two know how hard it is to find you?” Kangin growled out. “Or do you find these densely occupied cafes on purpose?” 

 

“Of course we do it on purpose. If we went to one of those old, creepy coffee shops there would never be pretty girls walking past.” Leeteuk turned his head with difficulty to face Kangin.

 

“I don’t understand why the two of you can’t just stay at one cafe for all your little trips.” Siwon complained. “That would make our lives so much easier.”

 

“We did stay at the same one at first, but then the pretty girls noticed and stopped walking past, and next we scared the pretty girls in the cafe away and put it out of business, so we got chased out by the owner.” Hankyung turned with difficulty to face Siwon as well.

 

Both muscle men of Super Junior sighed. At least they had found them. Now they just needed to contact the others who were out looking for Eeteuk and Hankyung.

 

Kangin told Siwon, “I’ll call Ryeowook, Zhou Mi, Henry, Sungmin and Shindong. You call the rest.” To which Siwon asked, “Why only them?”

 

“I don’t feel like listening to the others’ ing.” Kangin said wryly. 

 

“Neither do I!” Siwon was, as usual, ignored. 

 

After half an hour, Ryeowook and Yesung were the first to reach. Ryeowook immediately launched into a long lecturing about ‘maintaining the last shred of our image and dignity’, to which Yesung rebutted, “Oh, so there was still some of that left?”

 

Kangin and Siwon thought melancholically back to when Eeteuk and Hankyung would have done that for SJ and SJM respectively, while their unofficial maknae was soft-spoken and easygoing. 

 

One after another, the whole band arrived at the cafe, crowding around the window seat the two had gotten, being boisterous and annoying the entire cafe. Everyone always made it a point to interrupt these ing trips; one because it was an opportunity for all of them to catch up on each other’s lives; two because then they could have deep political and psychological discussions with each other; three because it was so many levels of unhealthy and wrong;……

 

“Hey, look at that girl!” Eeteuk exclaimed. Immediately, half the group were pressed against the glass. The other half was trying to look less desperate, but staring anyway.

 

So maybe all the reasons they gave themselves were lies and they just wanted look at pretty young girls. The old, flabby cows had to stick together after all.

 

‘That girl’ happened to glance in their direction, jumped, scrunched up her petite button nose, and hurried away.