We held hands again

The six of us together, all on both feet

So no one would fall

We got ready to run once again

Yongguk

            For him it was 2016, November and he was shaking from exhaustion. It had been an endless three months of stress and too many close calls with falling into the abyss. The other five saw but didn’t say much. That was always how they handled things. They understood each other implicitly, and knew that no amount of scolding would make the other change his mind. It wasn’t that they didn’t care. It was just that they knew that sometimes he had his own decisions to make.

            It took a lot of lonely nights, with angry tears streaming down his cheeks and alcohol wisps chasing away nightmares that Yongguk finally decided it was time. The meeting was held in the conference room. He said it lifelessly, unwilling to look at the impact that his words may have on the rest of the team.

            He expected sighs and silent judgment. How dare he suggest a break right before a comeback? But instead, all he heard were exhales of relief. “Finally, Hyung.” And it was the soft pats on the back that broke him.

            During the break, Yongguk came to a realization. To love B.A.P was to love himself. He was such a big part of the group that not being there created a gap. It was a hole they chose to leave open because Yongguk-Hyung was irreplaceable, of course. But the emptiness also made him more determined to get better. He took up meditation, he took up letting himself go sometimes, and the laughter came.

            It was icing on the cake when he first stepped out between the backup dancers that very first broadcast show: the screams of the crowd and the anticipation. Yongguk smiled inwardly. This was what he came back for. This was what he loved.

Himchan

            For him it was the darkness of the gym as the hum of expectation grew louder. He had a flashback to 2012 and the same bubble of excitement grew in him. The familiar aroma of sweat and lights and burning sparks filled him again. Himchan was never always about the performance. He was in it for the team, for the people. But even he could not deny that the idea of being on stage again made him giddy.

            The countdown on the large LED screen came to a close. The cheers erupted. Beautiful green lights filled the darkness and he stepped forward. He stepped forward with the five people who meant the most to him and brought the microphone to his lips.

            He had always placed his fans first. They were the very reason for him, after all. They had come from Mato Planet to find the source of energy, and instead found a source of existence. Through the lights that shone from the stage, he saw only silhouettes, outlines of figures dancing along, of arms waving green lights and he thought they looked beautiful.

            His heart expanded as sweat ran down his face and he breathed heavily, singing his lines and putting all of his energy into the show. This was for the team. This was for the fans, for his Babys.

Daehyun

            The sting of the needle on his wrist was a reminder of the uncertainty, of the despair that he had felt for the past year. He clenched his fists only to relax his hold. No pain no gain, and he had already hurt so much, what was this tiny moment of discomfort? He bit down on his lips and watched the needle trace the thin outlines of the four English letters.

            The idea came to him from seeing countless fanart. “Hold onto me, hold onto you,” he remembered seeing. When had it been that his fans were the ones who reached down to him? He had always been the one who heard praises from them.

            “Thank you for helping me when I was in a dark place.” “Thank you for your music. You are an inspiration.”

            Now, it is his fans who flood his social media with tokens of encouragement. Their sincerity engraved love in his heart and so he, ever the emotional one, decided to truly wear his heart on his sleeve. It was the most expressive he could be.

            The four letters were simple. The word was only one syllable. But to him, it was the most precious sentiment, and Daehyun would never give anything up for it. He would hold Babys, and they would hold him.

Youngjae

            Youngjae lived in the now. They had gone through so much in the last six years that dwelling on the past was a disservice to how far they had come. They had improved; each album musically different and a growth from the last. They had stayed true to their promise. The group was still experimenting, still finding different sounds, but always ending up sounding quite B.A.P like. And he loved it.

            This wasn’t to dismiss all that they have experienced. No. This was a celebration. The present was a nod to the times that they had suffered. For every success, there had been a setback. But for every stumble, they rose higher and even though there was no such thing as perfection, there was certainly nothing better than the now.

            After going through uncertainty, he could only appreciate what he had now. This was definite. The time he was spending with his second family, with his fans. This was very much real, and he could only focus on expanding on it.

Jongup

            He still smiles when he thinks of their Blond Asian People days. He had been so young then. They had all been so young then; Junhong a complete fetus. It had been fun times. They were fresh and energetic, and hungry. There was no such thing as obstacles, only hard work and climbing mountains.

            Jongup still felt the same. Despite having gone through hardship, he still faced every new stage, every album recording as if it were their first. It was beautiful sometimes to hear their discography from front to back because how they had improved. He chuckled to himself. He used to have one rare second of glory, and now he could barely breathe from the amount of dancing and singing he had to do.

            He was proud of the improvement, but even more proud of the fact that none of them forgot their roots. They would joke around sometimes, bringing up the solidarity they had with all yellow hair. “But I definitely looked better in that color,” Himchan would say and he could only roll his eyes.

            Time had only strengthened them and made them better. But sometimes, Jongup would flip back and remember the good times when they had no worries and only had good things to look forward to.

Junhong

            There was a time before he was Zelo. He had already met his five hyungs and it was finding a calling in life. It was amazing how six boys from different backgrounds could come together and fit so well. They weren’t pieces of a puzzle, no. Instead, they were six threads, weaving seamlessly together, but allowing all the colors to shine.

            Training days were the hardest. It was when they were trying to see if they worked well together. It was about discovering strengths and also preparing for the nervous anticipation of a debut. They had to fight others to get the coveted spot. But their team was slightly different. Yes, there was competition. But they all were chosen by Yongguk-Hyung.

            The day B.A.P was formed, Junhong spent a good amount of time looking around at the people he anticipated spending the majority of his time with. He had a steady hyung, another one who looked after him as his mother would, one who seemed shy and slightly out of place, one who was always kissing him, and then one who understood him like no other.

            They were tired from practice and also elated at the prospect of finally coming to the world as one. It was late at night but as Junhong stared at all of them, he felt the swelling of immense proud. They were a team, six, and they would show the world just what Best Absolute Perfect meant.

Forever with you, with you with you with you

I’ll be by your side until always

With you with you

My Baby

Happy 6th Anniversary to My 6 Favorite Mato Warrios

#6YearsWith6Angels