The first time it happened, it had broken her heart. The entire world collapsed and her heart pounded in her ears. It took all of her energy to courtesy, and leave before there could ever be any question of why the smile was wiped off her face so suddenly. The entire room was suffocating, as if all the oxygen was out of it by the announcement, and she could not get out of the room fast enough.

            It was natural, their lot in life. She should have expected it, but like any naïve girl in love, she had forgotten that he wasn’t completely hers to love. Simply by being who he was, his body and soul also belonged to the country, to the land and its people. Who was she to dictate how their lives were to be lived? After all, when she married into the imperial family, she should have known that she wouldn’t be his only.

            The walk back to her own lodgings seem long, but the air stinging her cheeks was a much needed reminder that eyes were watching. It was a good thing that he couldn’t follow her. She needed time to herself before she had to face his apologetic and concerned gaze. Her two most trusted maids hovered by her elbow, afraid that she would do something rash.

            “Princess, please, won’t you hold our hand? The roads can be slippery from last night’s snow.”

            But she only shook her head in refusal. “Please walk behind me.” It was bad enough that they also had heard the cold words with which the announcement was made, but knowing their love and care for her made everything worse. They wouldn’t dare outright get angry at him, how could they? Lowly servants never dared to have a negative opinion against their masters. But she knew that they were loyal to her and as long as she wanted him to keep away, they would do their best to keep him from seeing her.

            Once safely back in the privacy of her own room, she allowed herself to sit at her dresser and stare into the abyss. She had dismissed all the servants. She could still remember the cold glance the Empress had given her as the Emperor announced that the Prince was to have another wife. She herself had only been chosen because he insisted on her. She knew that if it weren’t for his persistence and her father’s loyalty, she would never be the first choice as a wife for the prince everyone knew would soon be named the Crown Prince.

            “My lady, the Prince is at the door.”

            Almost right after the report has been made, he came barging in. “Leave us.”

            The maid dipped and left. Now it was only the two of them left in the room. She wrangled her handkerchief and leaned against the dresser for support. Remembering etiquette, she lowered her head and dipped into a low courtesy. “My Lord.”

            Daehyun looked pained as he crossed the room in three strides. “Sweetheart,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.” He gripped her elbows and tried to look into her eyes but she still had her head lowered to the ground. “Stand up. You know we don’t need to be so formal with one another.”

            As hurt as she was, it didn’t stop her from containing her pain, an emotion that came out as unfair anger. “I’m sorry, My Lord. I’m afraid once the new Lady joins us, she should learn that this is still an imperial household, and the rules are strictly to be followed. We cannot allow things to get lax, and have myself be blamed for not setting a good precedence.”

            “You’re angry with me.” He didn’t say it with any ounce of blame. Instead, the defeat in his voice made it clear that he understood, and probably felt that he deserved it. The acknowledgement only made her heart bleed a little more.

            “I do not dare.”

            “You are, and I am too. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”

            The sob was caught in . “How do you even know what I want?” Gone was the formal language. She shook his hands off. Instead, it was as if they were back to a few years ago, when they had fallen in love with one another and had misconstrued notions that they could be like any other couple, loving and fighting and making up. They stood a few feet apart, each looking at the other with unspoken words in their eyes.

            “I know what I want for you.” He was still earnest. Daehyun watched her carefully, as if trying to gauge her reaction if he touched her. He raised a hand, clearly wanting to bridge the gap between them with a simple touch, but didn’t dare.

            “This is never about what we want. You should know that. You’re a prince. This is your lifestyle. You’ve seen it with your mother, your father.”

            “No, but I still wanted to give you the world. I still wanted to give you all the love I could give you. I wanted to give you all of myself, every part of my being.” He had a desperate plea in his eyes now. Again, he raised his hand only to let it drop to his side again.

            “Past tense,” she noted. Her nose was becoming stuffed and her eyes stung from the unshed tears. If he didn’t leave now, she was going to lose control.

            “I can still give you all of that,” he insisted. This time he didn’t hesitate. Daehyun walked forward and wrapped his arms around her. The familiar gesture finally made her tears fall and she sobbed loudly into his chest. For a few minutes, they stood in each other’s embrace, not speaking.

            A few drops of his tears fell from his cheeks onto her hair. “You know you will be the only one I love, right?”

            The reassurance was at once comforting but not enough. Life was so fickle, and so were human emotions. “You don’t know that. You’ll have your share of women who are more educated than I, more talented than I, prettier than I, and come from better families. Daehyun, when there are choices, there is still a chance that you will love them too.”

            His grip on her tightened. His voice was thick with emotion. “Never. I guarantee it. I will never love any of them. Not when I have you. I don’t care about how many books they have read, how many instruments they can play, or how they look. I cannot look at any of them.”

            Those were pretty words. But she also recalled the two of them promising to each other that as long as they lived, they would remain faithful. And look at where they were now. “We were so young and so stupid.”

            The sudden mention of their courtship made him pull away. There was a sad smile on his face. “Were we?”

            Daehyun took her handkerchief and gently wiped her cheeks with it. She smiled bravely, all the anger dissipated, as she held his hand in hers. “Yeah. We thought that as long as we had one another, that was enough.”

            “Is it not enough now?”

            Ignoring him, she continued to look down memory lane. “Do you remember how we met?”

            He let out a watery chuckle. “Of course. The first time I saw you, I knew I had to have you as my wife. You were knee high in a mud puddle and screaming at your horse to move before you were caught and beheaded by your father.”

            “I was such a drama queen back then. All that would have happened was I would have been scolded for riding when I should have been sitting in my room learning the tapestry.”

            “God, you were so dirty and disheveled, but so beautiful. I have been surrounded by prim and proper princesses and noble ladies all my life. You were the first one I have seen who was daring enough to go racing on a horse and uncouth enough to be cursing in a relatively audible voice too.”

            “Are you calling me vulgar?”

            Daehyun took her mock offense in stride. “No, I’m calling you refreshing, and real.”

            “Who knows. Maybe Lady Yoon will also be the type who ran barefoot when her nanny wasn’t looking. I’m sure I’m not the only one who took liberties with what was expected of a lady.” Unwittingly, she had brought the topic back.

            “I don’t care if she dove into the waters with only her undergarments on or if she curses like a sailor. I don’t want her.”

            He said this statement so fiercely, so resolutely, that she couldn’t help but give a sad giggle. “Oh Dae.” The softly uttered nickname settled between them like a well-worn glove. She reached a hand to cup his face. “You can’t possibly think that you can ignore an imperial decree. You’re going to have to marry her regardless of what you want.”

            Even the most irrational of people could not disagree, much less someone like Daehyun. “I know,” he whispered. “But I also want you to know that marrying her will be out of duty. Marrying you was out of love.”

            In their five years together, he had confessed his love to her countless times. But none felt as desperate as this time. In an effort to bring back his smile, she hugged him. “Your father was so angry when you suggested it.”

            “If he could, he would probably have locked me up for going to him with my own idea of marriage. He had lined up that Chinese princess for me, and thank goodness the war was over before we had to make the sacrificial marriage.”

            “Probably was a good thing that I happened to be as talented as I am,” she teased, batting her lashes.

            “He wanted you as his daughter-in-law too, you know. If we hadn’t met, you would have been the Lady of the Seventh Prince’s household by now.”

            “Minhyun?” She wrinkled her nose. “Ugh, no thanks. I see him like a brother.”

            “And me? What do you see me as?” His hands were now roaming across her back.

            She wrinkled her nose and scrunched her forehead deep in thought. “Hmm, I may have to get back to you on that.”

            Daehyun let out a low growl and bent his head to nip at her earlobe. “Are you sure you want to keep me waiting?” His voice was velvet smooth by her ears and his palm was flat against her back. She gave a noncommittal hum and he moved his lips to brush her cheeks before finding .

            Despite the nostalgic memory they ended the conversation with, the kiss conveyed the pain and apologies that neither of them could put into words. He tipped her back, not caring that one of her legs was now raised in an attempt to steady herself. The passion behind the kiss burned her, and she allowed herself to be lost in the flames.

            Now, it was happening again, but the stakes were higher. He was no longer a Prince, but the Emperor. Whoever he chose to be his next concubine was no longer a threat to her, now that she was Empress. But it didn’t stop the feeling of being punched in the stomach from arising. Her heart constricted. As Empress, it was her responsibility to make the announcement to the, at the moment, sole other person part of the inner palace.

            This time, she was not as young nor as naïve. She knew the responsibilities that came with the throne. As the eunuch came up to her and presented her with the scroll, she again struggled to keep her composure. This was surely not going to be the last time she would have to go through such duties. If she felt the hurt so acutely each time, how could she live?

            Of course he was waiting for her when she dismissed the inner court. She tried to keep her voice light, remembering the pain they had gone through last time and not wanting to bring up the same memories again. “What brings me the honor of having the King come visit me when he should be attending to more pressing matters at hand?”

            A swift wave of his hand had dismissed the servants and just like three years ago, he was crossing the room to her to take her hand. “You can cry if you want to.”

            Daehyun always knew how she was feeling. It was as if he was one step ahead of her, always guessing how she would react, and how she would try to pass it off as insignificant. “You can’t do this every time this happens,” she whispered.

            “Yes I can. And I will.”

            “Sooner or later I’ll get used to it.”

            His lips twisted. “I hope you never do. Because the day you do get used to it is the day I know you love me less than you do now.” Daehyun sighed and pressed his forehead to hers. “My love, I’m sorry.” She stared into Daehyun’s eyes. Again, his dark irises reflected regret and pain. Before she could reply, he asked, and this time she saw that there was a hesitancy to his expression as well. “Do you regret marrying me?”

            It was the silliest question he could ask. But seeing how serious he was, she couldn’t help but feel her heart ache to know that he even for a moment had doubted that he wasn’t the best choice for her.

            “No.” She placed her palms on the sides of his face. “You are the love of my life, and even knowing that you were facing the Emperor’s wrath, you still insisted in front of the whole court, that you wanted to marry me. How could I ever regret marrying you?”

            “But you didn’t sign up for this.”

            “You said yourself I would have been married into your family regardless. Look at Minhyun. Doesn’t he already have three wives? At least I know I’m not sharing your heart.” He still looked unconvinced and she heaved a tiny sigh. “I love you. And I admit each time there will be an addition to the inner palace, every time there is a new woman who will be sharing your bed, I will feel hurt and sad. But I will never stop loving you. And I will never wish to be anywhere else but here, by your side.”

            It was funny. Daehyun had come to comfort her but now their roles were reversed. He was the one who needed to know that she still found happiness with him. She tiptoed to kiss away the glistening tear that hung by the corner of his lips. And then smiling, she took both his hands and placed them on her stomach. “By the way, I’m pregnant.”

            Amidst all the uncertainty and pain, this news came as a surprise, albeit a rejoicing one. By now her husband was crying and laughing at the same time. “I love you. I love you so much,” he repeated over and over, and in the safety of his arms, in their own bubble in the vast palace, she knew that regardless of whatever obstacles were placed in front of them, they had each other.

It has been so long since I've sat down and just wrote. I know I still have so many requests but the feels just hit for this one. 

It is based off of 還珠格格 Princess Returning Pearl which is my favorite drama since childhood and that I'm rewatching and falling back in love with.

Please talk to me about this comeback because damn this song has my heart and Bbang leader is back.