He looked at the girl in front of him, open and vulnerable, and thought about everything they’ve gone through. He stared at her, saw her bite her lips to hide the pain and felt a stab of remorse go through him. He watched her fingers twist around the blanket, clench then unclench as she tried to be brave in front of him, and realized that maybe he shouldn’t be doing this. He heard her breathe out a tiny sigh, followed the tiny trail of tears that curved down her cheeks and knew he ed up.

            “I’m sorry. You know this would never have worked out anyway,” Jongup started again. This time his words came more halting than they had.

            “You always do this,” she says. She’s looking at him, tears glistening in her eyes, and even though her voice quivered, she was still trying not to cry.

            “It’s true,” he said quickly. “There’s a difference between liking someone and showing them that you like them, and quite frankly I never felt like you’ve liked me.”

            What he said felt honest to him. Yes, she treated him well. Yes, she was always there for him. But he never heard her praise him, never heard her say anything truly commendable to him. “When you told me I was amazing the other day, my first thought was ‘why.’ I didn’t know. I thought you were lying to make me feel better.”

            Her breath hitched and he shifted. Jongup hated when girls cried. He hated it because he never knew what to do with tears. Tears indicated at a whole mess of emotions he never wanted her to feel. He hated feeling like he messed up, hated feeling like what he had done was wrong. And clearly he had hurt her enough for her to be here, sobbing her heart out. She was no longer even trying to hide it.

            “I thought you knew.” The words came out desperate, a tiny cry for help. And when he heard her, he knew then. “I thought you knew just from how I treated you.” He heard the implied accusations in her voice. She treated him so well and he never noticed. He did. He just didn’t want to. “Maybe you don’t notice because you don’t want to.” And there, she said it for him.

            “You’re right. Maybe I don’t want to.” He doesn’t add that it was because he would feel so guilty, feel so bad for unintentionally toying with her emotions, but the guilt was poignant, a sharp scent in the air that he knew they both smelled.

            “It’s so hard,” she said again and he stared at her.

            “What’s so hard?”

            She looked at him and shook her head. “It’s the same thing over and over. Again, you’re going back to her.” Again, the unspoken accusation. He was breaking her heart again. Leaving her for someone he wasn’t so sure he loved anymore.

            “She’s the last shot I have at what I used to believe in. I can’t stand knowing that it didn’t work out because I didn’t try. If it didn’t work out another way, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about it. But I need to try. I want to believe in love again.”

            She leaned in and clung onto him. Her fingers curled around his arm and he felt the desperation in her touch. He felt the goodbyes and clenched his fist. She always made it so hard. Each tiny cry from her only told him what he had wanted to suppress. He didn’t want to know how much she liked him but it was so blatant and in his face. Jongup kissed the top of her head. “Please, let’s go sleep. It’ll be better in the morning.”

            But the morning only brought the realization that their days were numbered. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at Jongup. His eyes were closed and he was snoring, peaceful even though she felt as if her whole world was slowly tilting off-kilter. She ran a hand down his nose. He started and she pulled away. Automatically, his arm flung around her. She tensed for a second before letting herself melt into his touch.

            Even though it hurt her pride, even though she knew it was a bad idea, she was honest. She bore herself to him and even though there was no chance of reciprocation and she could feel that he didn’t like her, she told him the truth. “I really like you,” she said blatantly.

            Jongup smiled at her. “Don’t worry. I’ll come see you.”

            They were apart for four days and he texted her one night. “I miss you a little bit.” The words brought butterflies to her heart, butterflies she tried to capture in a net because they only brought on the dangers lost hope tend to bring. But the butterflies were back; they’ve been dormant for a long time.

            When she saw him again, Jongup smiled at her. “Hey, how much did you miss me?” And because she was dumb, she told him eleven out of ten, because that was the truth. Despite her better judgment, she now wanted him to know. That was their problem before, right? He couldn’t tell how much she liked him. But now was not the case. She wanted him to know. Even if it made her vulnerable.

            He kissed her and she melted into his touch. She held him closer, trying to mold herself into him. When he started to take off her clothes, she went with it because she missed him and craved his touch. This time, however, Jongup no longer had the excuse of deluding himself into thinking she didn’t like him. He knew the emotional consequences, and she trusted him enough to believe that he knew what he was doing.

            Five hours later, he slowly got up. “I guess I should head back and finish some work.” She nodded and smiled wistfully. “Bye then.” He walked to the door and turned to look at her, super casual.

            Her heart lurched and she held her arms out for him. “See you soon?”

            Usually this was his line, but now their roles were reversed. Now she let him know. “Maybe,” he said. And then he added, “Or maybe I’ll just disappear into oblivion.” Meant as a joke, maybe, but she was no mind reader and she felt another stab of foreboding. Maybe this was his way of saying goodbye.

            Jongup pulled away and gave her another wry grin, expression unreadable. “Bye.” 

Hey everyone, sorry again for the long hiatus. I guess this is a continuation of my story and this is the most recent update. And it's tearing my heart apart but there's nothing I can really do right now. Maybe one day I will write another personal story as a continuation of this, or maybe as a conclusion but for now, the next request is a cute one, so I hope to write that one soon.