Hongbin groaned, rolling over, completely annoyed.  Taekwoon wasn’t home yet.  All day the elder had been out with Haekyeon.  Helping the elder get ready for his first year anniversary with Wonshik.  And it wouldn’t be so bad if for the last week Haekyeon hadn’t been stealing Taekwoon.  From early morning before he would wake up to late at night when he was trying to sleep.  It was honestly starting to worry him.  Even Wonshik had no idea as to what was going on, but he didn’t seem worried until earlier that evening.

                *Flashback*

                “Binnie?”

                “Hm?”

                “I think Haekyeon is cheating on me.”

                “What?”  Hongbin looked up at the other from his book.  The taller boy was messing with his fingernails and looking down at the floorboards.

                “He’s never home, and he keeps getting these weird messages that make him all giddy and happy and…I thought we worked out our problems, I thought everything was ok.  But Binnie, it’s not me that’s making him happy though.”

                “Wonshik.”  Hongbin stood, gathering his best friend into a hug.  “Hyung loves you.”

                “But not enough to not cheat on me right?”

                “He’s not cheating on you, hyung can’t act that well.”

                “But what about those texts?”

                “Hyung has lots of friends, and a lot of them are girls, maybe it’s a girl that can’t take a hint.”

                “Maybe.”

                “Don’t worry about it too much.”

                “I guess.”

                “It will be fine Wonshik.”

                “You never worry about Taekwoon hyung like this?”

                “I love Taekwoon, and I trust him to tell me if he ever felt differently.”

                *End Flashback*

                Except now that he was lying in bed, with the absence of Taekwoon next to him he can’t help but to think the worse.  What if Taekwoon was out of love with him, what if he had done something to anger the elder, and Taekwoon didn’t have the heart to tell him so.  Taekwoon was a kind, sensitive soul, it was possible he just didn’t know how to tell Hongbin that he didn’t love him anymore.  It had been a week since Hongbin had spent any time with Taekwoon, they hadn’t had a decent conversation (though that wasn’t totally unusual), and their normal daily texts had dwindled to nothing.  Not that Hongbin hadn’t tried to send messages to his lover.  He sent one every day, a simple I love you and have a good day thing.  Taekwoon had stopped sending them back to him though.  A week, a whole week, and it felt as if their relationship had gone back to the starting point, where Hongbin walked on eggshells around Taekwoon, scared that he would do something to make him angry.

                “Maybe I did anger him.”  Hongbin sniffed and buried his face into his pillow.  Deciding that sleep might help his thinking process.

`~`

                Hongbin woke the next morning early, hoping to catch Taekwoon before he left, but once again he was greeted with an empty bed.  A neat made up side that looked as if no one had slept in it at all.  Hongbin rolled onto his back in frustration.  What was Taekwoon doing that he couldn’t even come to bed?  He got up, shrugging into a shirt and shuffled his way out into the living room, hoping to see Taekwoon sitting on the couch with if fifth bowel of cereal, like normal before he started to disappear. 

                No Luck.

                Once again Taekwoon and Haekyeon weren’t home, both having disappeared early that morning according to Hyuk. 

                “By the way Hyung, Wonshik hyung is looking for you.  He looks pretty mad too.”  Hyuk shrugged at his questioning look and pointed towards his room where the rapper was apparently fuming with his computer in his lap.

                “Wonshik ah?  You need something?”  Hongbin asked, looking at the scowl decorating his friend’s face.  Wonshik all but threw the computer away from his lap and stalked over to Hongbin so threating like that Hongbin cowered back the closer the other got.  Distinctively Hongbin threw his hands in front of his face with a cry.  “I didn’t do it!”

                “Oh really, why is your slimy boy toy sending my boyfriend messages, huh?”

                “What are you talking about Wonshik?”

                “I’m talking about when I went to pick up Haekyeon’s phone because it kept going off and I find a ing love message, let me ing repeat Hongbin.  IT WAS A LOVE MESSAGE!  From your boyfriend to mine.  Either keep your man on a leash or I will happily beat the out of him!  I just got Haekyeon back and I am not losing him because you can’t keep your boyfriend entertained and happy.  Now get out of my room.”

                Hongbin backed out, shock putting his motor skills to work and having him walk numbly back to his room.  Staring at the bed he shared with Taekwoon.  ‘What just happened?’  He asked himself, tears starting to build in his eyes, pain starting to swell in his chest.  ‘Taekwoonie….what happened?’  He stared at the bed, willing it to answer him.  To tell him what was happening in his life right now.

                There was no answer.  Silence surrounded him, suffocating him.  His heart pinched, causing him to take a shuddering breath.

                “Taekwoonie…why?”

~V~

                Hongbin stayed up that night…having stayed in his room for most of the day, ignoring his phone, his practice schedule.  He ignored life.  Stormy feelings he hadn’t had since he had first joined VIXX, and he had been so unsure of himself.  Pre-Taekwoon….pre love of his life…pre happiness.  He had been in such a dark place, a horrifying place that had caused him to rebel all rules, harm himself in ways he didn’t understand.  Cause s to worry, both those who were with the group and who had been voted out during Mydol.  His heart kept sinking, lower and lower in his chest and he briefly wondered if this was how a heart was ripped out…if it just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until it finally disappeared, leaving a gaping hole.  He thought to their Voodoo video, where he played the mindless doll, the heartless doll…is that what was happening?  Would he turn into that heartless doll?

                ‘No, you need to have Taekwoon clear it up first.  Wonshik could have been mistaken.’  He nodded with conviction, his heart giving an appreciative beat in trying to trust Taekwoon before he sunk back into the darkness of his mood.

                The door creaked open, Taekwoon entering with silent ease, expecting him to be asleep.  The look of surprise on his face when he notice Hongbin sitting up in bed still dressed almost had Hongbin laugh with mirth.

                “I have a question for you.”  Hongbin whispered.  Voice raspy of nonuse all day, and no water.  Great, he was probably dehydrated.

                “Binnie?”  Taekwoon moved forward…stopping in front of Hongbin’s form on the bed.

                “Why was there a text message from you to Haekyeon hyung?  A love message?”  Hongbin was surprised his voice was able to come out as even as it did.  Inside he was a raging storm of hurt, and anger, he was glad acting classes allowed him to hide his true feelings some.

                “What are you talking about Binnie?”

                “I kept thinking all day that it couldn’t be true…because you guys are friends, and you have me and I’m enough right?  But then why would Wonshik be so angry, why would he feel the need to tell me that you’re bored with me if it wasn’t true.  Why would he yell at me so if it wasn’t true.  Hyung I don’t understand.”

                “What are you talking about Hongbin?”

                “What are you doing with Haekyeon hyung?”  Hongbin asked devoid of feeling.  “Why won’t you tell me anything?  Why have you stopped talking to me?  Do you really not want me anymore?  Did I do something wrong?   Hyung I don’t understand.”

                “Hongbin, I don’t understand what you’re going on about.  Please try and make some sense.”

                “Do you not love me anymore?”

                “What?!  Hongbin what are you talking about?”  Taekwoon grabbed his shoulders, giving him a small shake.  “What happened Hongbin, what’s going on?”

                Hongbin snorted, hurt Taekwoon would pretend he didn’t know.  “Never mind hyung, I’m going to a friends.  Bye.”  He pushed past Taekwoon, heading for the door, trying to make it out of the apartment as fast as he could.  As he closed the bedroom door he heard the quiet whisper from Taekwoon.

                “Binnie?”  The word was filled with pain, so much unspoken pain, and Hongbin’s eyes swam with tears as he grabbed his shoes and ran for the elevator.  He didn’t understand how Taekwoon could pretend he didn’t know.  Wonshik would have no reason to be angry if it didn’t happen, therefore it must have happened. 

                Did Taekwoon not love him anymore?  Pain seized his chest and he bent over, sobbing alone in the elevator, not knowing where he was going.  Completely confused. 

                ‘Hyung I don’t understand.  We tell each other everything.  If you were done with me why wouldn’t you tell me?’  Wrapping his arms around himself he moved out into the cold of the evening, regretting that he had forgotten it was the beginning of December, and it was snowing.

                “Stupid Hongbin, how could you be so stupid?”  He scolded himself, he was stupid in more ways than one tonight.

~V~

                Hongbin stayed at a hotel, a run down, probably druggie crawling hotel.  One where he froze every night because he refused to turn the heat on, scared to feel again, scared that if he thawed he would pine for Taekwoon, cry for what he lost.  He would show up to practice, tired and annoyed, and cold.  Always cold.  He would ignore everyone, Wonshik’s glares, Haekyeon’s questions, Taekwoon’s worried looks, his questioning looks, his confused looks.  They had more breaks because Hongbin had trouble keeping up, to be so close to the others…so close to those he felt hurt by. 

                It was spiraling around him.  He stayed away, knowing he needed to be there for rehearsals, but his heart wasn’t in it anymore.  He didn’t have the drive, he didn’t have Taekwoon by his side, telling him it was ok.  He had nothing, he was closed off, the emotional voodoo doll he played so well.  A beautiful mask of the Hongbin he used to be. 

                December 7, he showed up to the recording site by himself, he started his makeup alone and without the others.  He sat in a corner when they arrived, and slowly worked his way out of the room and up into the stairwell so he could be well away from them.  He sat in silence, becoming the beautiful doll he could play so well, starting at the speckled out dated pattern on the tile of the stairs.

                “Hongbin?”  His head jerked up, Wonshik was standing in the stairwell.  He glanced at the other and then dropped his gaze.  “We are needed for sound check.”  Hongbin nodded, standing slowly and wait for the other to move first.  He didn’t.

                “Hongbin?”  Hongbin cocked his head one way to show he was listening.

                “I had it wrong, okay?”  Wonshik rubbed the back of his neck.  “I was angry at Haekyeon being out for so long, and I took it out on a text that Taekwoon sent thanking hyung for his help.”  Hongbin cocked his head to the other direction. 

                “Okay.”  He said after a while, moving down the stairs past Wonshik. 

                “Hongbin ah.” 

                “What do you want me to say Wonshik?  I can’t be happy.  I didn’t trust him, I didn’t trust him to tell me, I didn’t think I would believe anything he would say.  I didn’t think you wouldn’t be angry without reason.  I trusted you over the person I loved with my entire being.  I trusted you, my best friend, over Taekwoon.  I don’t know what to feel.  Even if he didn’t betray me…I betrayed him.  Life isn’t right, it’s all topsy turvy and it’s not going to get better by you admitting wrong now.”  Hongbin took the stairs quickly making it to the stage faster than the others.

                Sound check was horrible, he dropped Jaehwan, his voice cracked, his body refused to listen to his movements.  He ran into Hyuk, and then had to be steadied.  His brain wouldn’t quiet, his thoughts would scream at him.  

                ‘Taekwoon never betrayed me.  He was trying to tell me and I refused to listen.  How can I be ok?  How can I trust myself?  How would he ever be able to trust me again?  I can’t believe I did that to him.’  Hongbin ended sound check, trying to move off stage before the manager could reprimand him.

                In the dark a hand caught his elbow, an arm circled his waist.  He was pressed into a hug so tight he couldn’t tell who it was.  Then the voice came, the whispering voice came in a hushed hurry.

 “You are throwing us so far back into the past kid and we’re worried, please come back to us.  Go back to him, he loves you so much.  Hyung was working hard for us to be so far up in the standings, he practiced hard every night trying to get the timing right and his voice to hit the right octaves.  Please go back to him Hongbin.”  The arms let go and he was left standing alone in the dark, heart shattering into tiny pieces before him.

                Taekwoon was just practicing.  Every late night was because he wanted to perfect himself for this group, for their fans.  Taekwoon had gone above and beyond anything anyone could ask him for.  And he had hurt him.  Granted Taekwoon could have told him, but then again, Taekwoon only ever let Haekyeon see him weak, he could only imagine how weak he had been, practicing over and over again, every night.  Trying to time the lift right and hit his notes perfectly.  Of course Taekwoon wouldn’t tell him he was tired, wouldn’t want Hongbin to see him fall to the floor in exhaustion.  Wouldn’t want to wake Hongbin in the night by coming to bed, too exhausted to change.

‘Oh Taekwoon.’

~V~

                “And the winner is…” The numbers darted across the screen, they had done their best, Hongbin worked hard, showing that even though he had been weak he was going to work hard.  Their final performance had been amazing, Hongbin working harder than he knew he could.  The numbers kept going and then they stopped, more numbers came adding in.  They had jumped in the lead and then the streamers went off and his mouth dropped.

                VIXX had won.  They had one, for the first time they had won.  He didn’t think his jaw would ever shut, it had locked.  Somewhere behind him he heard D.O ask if Taekwoon was alright.  And he looked behind them.  His beautiful lion was crying, all the stress, everything just seemed to melt off him with each tear that fell and Hongbin moved out of camera view quickly.  Squatting in front of the most beautiful man he knew.  It was all very quick and he wasn’t sure if Taekwoon could hear him over the screams.

                “I love you!”  Hongbin said and moved back into camera view as Taekwoon watched him stunned. 

                The encore started.  Taekwoon had moved away from Haekyeon’s hug to the back of the stage, where he could cry out of view.  Jaehwan finally grabbing his Hyung and bringing him to the front with Wonshik and Haekyeon, Hyuk grabbed Hongbin and gave him the same treat.  They had won, the six of them together, through the hardships that the fans never knew they faced because of stupidity.  They had won.  Jaehwan leaned close to Hyuk to say something to him and Hongbin grabbed the chance he had.

                “I meant it hyung, I love you.  Always.”  Taekwoon only nodded, tears continuing to fall.

~V~

                Hongbin was snatched up into a fierce hug, one that squashed the breath out of him, Taekwoon’s fingers tangled in his hair as he tugged Hongbin’s head back.  The famous lion’s glare burning a hole into him.

                “You could have just told me you were jealous.”

                “You could have just told me you were practicing.”

                “I didn’t want you to see me failing so much.”

                “I didn’t want you to see me in pain.”

                “You’re an idiot.”

                “Right back at you.”

                “If you leave me like that again I will hunt you down and chain you to the bed so you will hear me out.  Got it.”

                “Yes hyung.”

                “Good.”

                “I love you.”

                “I know.”

                “We have more stuff to film don’t we?”

                “I’m sure they are gonna want our thanks to the fans for the win.”

                “I just wanna go home.”

                “Well you do look like .”

                “Gee…thanks, with all the crying you did you don’t look much better.”

                “…Well I was almost done when someone who I had thought left me and was spiraling down into the depression I thought we had pulled him away from yelled that he loved me.  In front of everyone.  I was so happy.”

                “I’m sorry.”

                “Don’t be, apparently the two idiots were upset that we never had a real fight.  Haekyeon told me when I hugged him.  And though I did send a thank you message to Haekyeon for taking away from his sleep and his personal dance time, Wonshik took it a step too far.  Neither of them thought that us fighting never happens.”

                “It never does huh?  We always talk our way around a fight.”

                “Yes, imagine my surprise when you wouldn’t even tell me what was going on, and then walked out on me.  It was painful, so very painful.”

                “I’m sorry.”

                “It’s not your fault…it’s those idiots…”  Taekwoon brooded silently, lips pursing as his arms wrapped around Hongbin.

                “What are you planning?”

                “A mass starving of the fattest people in our group.”

                Hongbin snorted, pressing his nose into Taekwoon’s neck.  “Hyung you eat more than all of us.”              

                “…”  Hongbin’s head was pulled back and Taekwoon swiftly placed a kiss on his lips.  “I will think of something.”

                “How about we just ignore it and have them shake in fear at every turn.”

                “That’s evil and lovely all at once.  And it means less for me to do.”  Hongbin giggled at Taekwoon and pressed a kiss to his lips again.  As they walked back to the dressing room, Taekwoon squeezed his hand.

                “You are okay, right?  I don’t need to worry.”

                Hongbin smiled slightly.  “I’ll be okay hyung.”

                “Good, because I was terrified that we would lose you, you looked so wrong, so broken.”  There was another squeeze to his hand.  “I love you Bin.  Always.”

                “Love you too.”