"My scrunched up
feelings
keep seeping out, oh..."

 

 

Amber couldn't help herself from stealing glances every time her best friend was around. It just happened; Krystal would come over, or she would go over to Krystal's, and the tomboy wouldn't be able to prevent her eyes from lingering on the younger girl's figure.

 

From her long, lushious, raven-black hair to her perfect skin that was light but just barely brushed with a tan, down her gorgeous curves that were carved by God himself, back up to her eyes that only seemed to twinkle whenever she was in Amber's presence...She was just so perfect.

 

Everything about her best friend was perfect.

 

Best friend, at least, is what Amber liked to think. She and Krystal had only been friends for about a year now, but they bonded quickly over long, English-spoken conversations about irrelevant things that only they laughed about in the training room, silly arguements over personal tastes for things both Korean and American, and sometimes they bonded by staying in the practice room long after everyone else had gone home; practicing the same three-minute choreography their teacher had assigned them over and over again with nothing else but the music playing.

 

It was those times that Amber felt like she understood Krystal the most. The greatest things about the so-called "Ice Princess" were only seen in silence, when she focused on nothing else but the thoughts in her own head. Most people saw a cold face, stiff mouth or bored eyes, but Amber knew better than that.

 

She saw a young girl who was incredibly calculated, had a strong sense of who she was and just didn't want to hear otherwise. Her thoughts sounded too blunt or too confident whenever she tried to speak them aloud, so instead she kept them quiet.

 

Quiet to everyone except Amber, who remembers staying up late at night despite desperately needing sleep listening to the 'Ice Princess' chat animatedly about odds and ends that Amber didn't even know existed.

 

"Amber, what are you looking at?"

 

Pulled from her thoughts by her best friend's voice, ah yes; her angelic, valley-girl accented voice, Amber truly realized how easy it was to get lost in her admirations of the younger girl.

 

"N-Nothing..."   "Don't lie to me Josephine, you're looking at me weird."   "A-Ah...it's just, I haven't been able to hang with you in a while, and...I missed you."

 

 

"I try to hide
and cover it
but it all comes out, oh."

 

 

Amber would find herself doing things she really shouldn't out of a habit that was never practiced, all because because she would lay awake all night dreaming of scenarios that would never come true.

 

She'd try and try again to remind herself that Krystal was not hers and that they were just friends, but she'd fell so happy in the girl's presence, a happiness she never felt anywhere else, that she would let her guard down unwillingly.

 

One time, she naturally slipped her hand into Krystal's while they were walking around a mall.

 

The younger girl looked up and smiled at her, a slightly questioning yet still friendly look in her eyes. "Are you okay Amber?"

 

Realizing what she'd done, Amber found herself blushing and stammering but if she pulled her hand away now it'd look suspicious. "Uh y-yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

 

Krystal just giggled and shook her head, squeezing Amber's hand and pulling her along, completely missing the implications that Amber was thinking about. "Nothing. I just notice how you're...more comfortable with me, that's all. No one else ever holds my hand like this."

 

"W-Well you're my Princess and I'm your Servant, it's my job to protect you isn't it? I can't do that if you go running off." Amber said, trying to keep a calm and slightly joking tone in her voice, although she had no doubts she came out sounding nervous and afraid.

 

Krystal looked back at her again and smiled, a smile Amber was sure only she'd seen. "I guess so."

 

The tomboy swore to God that the smile made her eyes light up and drop slightly, and if Krystal hadn't already turned around Amber had no idea how she would've gotten away with it.

 

"As I see you who I can't touch
I hide because
my small shadow might be seen."

 

 

Amber wasn't stupid. She knew these feelings she had for Krystal were wrong.

 

She'd known for a long time that she wanted to kiss the younger girl with the passion of a thousand suns. That she wanted to hold her underneath the stars and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. That one day, she wanted to see Krystal in the most beautiful and expensive wedding gown she could find walking down the aisle to herself, Amber, who would be waiting in the finest tuxedo with tears in her eyes that the one girl she desired more than anything in the world would offically be hers forever.

 

But Amber knew that if she ever told Krystal any of this, their friendship would be completely and utterly ruined.

 

The relationship that the tomboy would die for was strictly forbidden in the country they were striving to become famous in. The people thought of a homoual relationship as taboo. As much as she didn't want to admit it, Amber knew deep down that Krystal was also one of the people who would find the thought disgusting. Not because she was that ignorant of a person, no, it's just that she couldn't know any better. Certainly that's how she was raised, living most of her life in Korea, right?

 

Every time Amber thought about confessing she could only imagine Krystal rejecting her and never being able to see her again; and the tomboy couldn't bear the thought of losing her best friend, even if it meant hiding her feelings, suffering for the rest of their lives knowing she'd never be able to be the one Krystal loved more than anything in the world.

 

 

"Oh with trembling steps
I carefully approach you,"

 

 

Amber mentally slapped herself around her bedroom, resisting the urge to bash her head into the wall.

 

At first she thought she was doing Krystal a favor by not telling her how she was so deeply in love with her, but now that Amber had plenty of time to do more thinking about it, with Krystal flying off to Japan to visit her sister, how could she of ever thought that?

 

If Krystal ever found out some how, some way about Amber's true feelings, the tomboy couldn't imagine how devastated she'd be that she had lied to her face their entire friendship.

 

How could she be so stupid?! How could she betray her bestest friend in the whole world by not telling her the most important thing in her whole life?

 

Flopping down on her bed with a frustrated groan, Amber looked at the time on her phone. It was too late in Japan to call Krystal now, just to hear her soothing voice and possibly calm some of her screaming nerves, so Amber decided to force herself to sleep and talk to her the second her foot stepped off the plane.

 

"Oh the closer I get to you
somehow the more I'm afraid
that you'll get farther away."

 

"I missed you Stupid~!" Krystal laughed, laying back on the couch with Amber in her arms.
 

She had finally been picked up at the airport by someone at the company (Amber had tried to insist on doing it herself, but the company would have none of it) and when she arrived home Amber was already waiting for her with a buffet of snacks and a large pile of DVD's. 

 

Slightly red-faced at the proximity, Amber laughed with her and hugged her back. "I missed you too, Princess."

 

"What did you do while I was gone?" Krystal asked, flipping on the last DVD they had put in the TV, which had been 8 Mile.

 

'Contemplating my undying love for you and trying to find the guts to make my coward tell you the truth.' Amber thought, but backed out from saying it.

 

"I just lazed around and ate stuff."   "Stuff."   "Yeah. Like hot Cheetos."   "And gummy bears?"   "Yup."

 

Krystal smiled, flicking her eyes to the TV screen. "I know you so well."

 

Amber gasped as the guilt smacked into her like an eighteen-wheeler, trying to swallow her feelings back down. Krystal had noticed the noise that had escaped her best friend's lips, and was startled at such a reaction from her.

 

"Amber? What's wrong?" She asked, worry evident in her voice.

 

If I told you the truth...

 

"Nothing. I just...I missed you. Alot." Amber said, looking up at the younger girl with a smile, trying to focus all the positive emotions she had left into that smile.

 

Krystal looked quizzical, and Amber forced herself to shrug off the situation in a dorky way. She cutely threw a fake little fit with a fake laugh thrown in for good measure. "What? I'm mushy and lame and lonely without you. Don't judge me."

 

Despite still finding such a reaction from Amber odd, she couldn't help but laugh too. "I'm not judging, I'm just taking notes."

 

Amber stuck out her tongue, turning her attention to the movie before she made another mistake. "You're mean Ddudungie~"

 

'If I ever told you...Then all of this...This happiness, this comfortability...This safety...It'll all be gone, Soojung-ah...I can't take that away from you, even if that means keeping you in the dark.' Amber thought, some of the sickness in her stomach easing at her reasoning.

'Forgive me, Princess. Forgive me for lying. Forgive me for loving you."

 

"The more I..."

 

 

Amber had to give herself credit, she'd gotten a lot better at not staring at Krystal for an eternity.

 

Maybe she was too busy ("I'm never too busy for you, Soojung,") or maybe it was because they were in a group now and she had more people to interact with, as well as more responsibilities to handle and more things to do ("You'll always be my bestest friend in the whole wide world, don't forget that"), but something or a mixture of many things was able to keep her dangerous thoughts at bay.

 

When Krystal was busy doing something else the company had told her to, or Amber herself was doing something that Krystal didn't have time to come along to, she mostly found herself hanging out with Victoria a lot, usually sharing their unnie-like worries for the three younger girls, as well as trading stories about their parents and discussing their Chinese/Taiwanese roots to help cover up the ache they had being so far from home. Although Amber couldn't deny that during those times she got closer with the leader, she couldn't help but miss that little extra spark she had with her Princess.

 

Krystal and Amber were still stuck together like glue, with the other members even commenting how cute their dependency was, but Amber was confident that she had found a way to mask her feelings for the younger girl, lest someone gets suspicious that there's more between the two then friendship.

 

Well, that was the case, until she saw the Krystal talking to some guy in an empty hallway.

 

 

"Cover up my two eyes..."

 

 

She had been walking around the building she still wasn't familiar with, spending minutes at a time on one sign trying to read the very vexing Hangul, and even more time trying to actually form the words into something that made sense in her head.

 

Victoria had sent her to find Krystal and bring her back to practice, and Amber was kind of confused because Krystal had said she was going to the vending machine to get snacks, which Amber thought was just right up the stairs in front of their training room except the younger girl wasn't there, leaving the tomboy to venture out into the building that she had actually never really explored, as Krystal had known everywhere to go and usually led the older girl to where they needed to go.

 

Finally, after many hallways stairwells of confusion, Amber was greeted with the sound of Krystal's voice. She still wasn't that good at Korean yet, so she couldn't make out what her best friend was saying, but she had advanced towards her voice and was about to call out for her when she saw the guy standing there, holding Krystal's hands.

 

 

"I see you clearer."

 

 

Amber's eyes felt like they had popped out of their sockets. A large wave of warmth washed over her body as she felt anger boiling in her blood. No one should be holding Krystal's hands but her.

 

"What are you doing, Soojung? Who is this guy? Why didn't you tell me about him? Do you like him like you should be liking me?"

 

Despite being a usually very relaxed person who was the last to resort to violence, the tomboy couldn't help but begin to dream up ways this guy could die. Her entire head clouded with a red mist of pent up frustration and regular, irrational teenaged jealousy.

 

"Dropped from the roof, pushed out a window, stabbed with the nearest thing available...Not that that's a plant..."

 

Amber didn't notice the couple lean closer to each other. Her heart took off at the speed of light, mouth dropping open as her thoughts froze and her body seemed to be rooted to the ground.

 

 

 

"The more I..."

 

 

 

'Soojung-ah...That's supposed to be our first kiss...Oh God, what do I do?' Amber thought, desperately wracking her brain for some kind of miracle plan. She felt her heart pounding against her chest as her feet moved her away from her safe place behind the wall, getting ready to shout out---

 

"STOP!"

 

"Block my ears..."

 

 

Amber froze.

 

She couldn't believe her ears when she heard that holy word that made the two move away from each other. Did that really happen? Or did they kiss and her brain just couldn't register it?

 

Her thoughts began to process even more and Amber realized it wasn't herself who had said the words, but Krystal.

 

 

 

"I hear you all day."

 

 

"O-Oppa..." The younger girl stuttered.

 

"What's the matter, Krystal-ssi?" He asked, his face reading naivity but geniune concern as well.

 

"I...I can't do this. I'm not really sure I like you that much, a-and I don't think you're sure either." She said, her body shaking but her voice standing strong. "Let's just end this here."

 

"My strong Princess..."

 

After that day, Amber became more clingier with Krystal than ever. Except this time, she wanted everyone to know about it.

 

 

"It's so hard to read your eyes,
all day I'm cautious around you."

 

 

She didn't know why, but the tomboy found that after f(x) debuted, Krystal seemed to have locked up a part of her that Amber used to have full access to.

 

During their live stages for LA chA TA and Chu, the two would high-five and hang off each other all the same. Except every time Amber looked into Krystal's eyes, the younger girl would deflect her before she had a chance to just--initiate that little spark between them that made their bond so strong, unrequited love aside.

 

Amber would be lying if she said she didn't feel hurt that Krystal was doing this to her, even if the younger girl possibly didn't realize it.

 

First, Amber falls in love with her and dedicates her body and soul to serving her like a princess. Now, all she's trying to do is just be her friend and Krystal's ignoring her whilist still keeping her close by.

 

"How is this fair, Soojungie? How are you making my world flip upside down, and I'm not even flipping a penny in yours?"

 

Nevertheless, with constant cameras being pointed in their direction, Amber found herself becoming more and more closed off from Krystal, her feelings and essentially her inner self as well.

 

It wasn't a good feeling, and Amber felt like puking every time she thought about it.

 

 

"Again today, I walk toward you with tearful steps,"

 

 

Amber felt her entire body tremble as she knocked on Krystal's door, her heart having dropped to her shoes during the heavy walk over to the younger girl's house, her chin trembling and eyes filled with tears.

 

She'd spent every night since their debut, exactly a year and a half, thinking about her future with Krystal as her best friend and nothing more; never knowing of the tomboy's utter devotion to her.

 

One day, she'd hear of Krystal getting her first kiss with some really good guy.

 

She'd help Krystal get ready for her first date, in a stunning dress with her always-perfect hair being curled or done up and makeup that she didn't even need. She'd hear of every date after that in explicit detail at four in the morning in place of the conversations that used to only be about them. 

The time they reserved every week, month, year to just have quality time would be replaced by her wanting to hang out with her boyfriend more and more, until Amber had to demote her best friend to just...a friend.

One day, she'd have to watch Krystal walk down the aisle to somebody that wasn't her. She'd see their honeymoon photos, be there in the waiting room as she gave birth to their children, see their bright shining faces and have to suffer hearing them call her "Auntie" and not "Mommy."

 

Amber took a deep breath as the door opened to reveal her Goddess whom she worshipped everyday.

 

Today was the day she was going to confess.

 

Because Amber knew she had already died inside after holding it in for so long, and if she held it in any longer, there was nothing keeping her from coming completely undone anymore.

 

 

 

"I wait for the day that I will touch your heart,"

 

 

 

"Don't talk, just listen." Amber said with a shaking voice. Krystal's eyes widened as she took in Amber's disheveled hair, smeared eyeliner and pajama pant legs that were stained with mud from running all the way over here. The older girl was panting heavily, her lungs still burning for air, closing up as the emotions she had been holding in for three years and a month began to rise.

 

"Amber, oh my God are you---"

 

"No." Amber answered. "I'm not okay. I'm far from okay. I haven't been okay since before I came here, to this country."

 

Krystal's face was painted with so many kinds of confusion it slowly squeezed the physical life out of the older girl.
 

"What are you talking about? Amber, come inside---"

 

"I'm going to make this real quick. And you won't want me inside once I'm done talking." Amber replied, calming herself long enough to collect her thoughts.

 

Krystal leaned against the doorway, her heart beginning to beat rapidly. She'd never seen Amber like this before, and to be honest, she was terrified.

 

 

 

"For the day you will hold me in your embrace,"

 

 

 

"When I first met you I fell into the same assumption that everyone makes when they see you. I thought you were a cold girl with no regards to anyone else but yourself. Until you said hello.

 

When you said that to me, I heard an angel singing. Ever since the first day you talked to me I haven't been able to get your voice out of my head. Your voice is melodic, I hang off every syllable like they're a drug that's keeping me alive.

 

Your face haunts my dreams at night and never escapes my vision during the day. I find myself hopelessly staring at you like a homeless puppy stares at a house in the rain.

 

I think you are the epitome of perfection; your eyes glitter like a million diamonds lit up by one candle in a dark coalmine.

 

Your lips are shaped like the little icing flowers on top of those cookies that are sold in your favorite bakery. Everytime you speak I can't help but look at your lips and imagine what it'd be like to taste them at least once.

 

Your nose looks like it was sculpted out of frozen yogurt, so shiny like a pearl yet so soft looking, I wasn't suprised when I found myself dreaming about nuzzling your face under the night sky.

 

Your body looks like it was carved out of pure ivory, then left out to bask in the sun and get a light haze of tan. Any way you take it, it sounds erted despite the intentions; but I'd do anything to be able to kiss every inch of your body, to worship you like the Goddess you were born as.

 

And lastly, I'm so in love with you that my insides ache. My stomach has been in one big knot that just keeps growing with every second I spend both away and with you. My heart---I don't even think I have one anymore. Holding all this in for so long makes my heart feel like a dull, dying piece of crap inside my chest that I can't get to go away no matter what I do. I've beaten and bruised my own soul into tatters trying to keep all this from you, because I know it's wrong and that I have no chance of you ever returning a grain of salt-sized bit of these feelings. I tried to tell you so many times before, but I'm a weak coward who can't admit to you just how much you mean to me and have enough faith that our friendship would still stand after I've said all this.

 

I let my fears get the best of me and I only have myself to blame. All of this pain and agony I've suffered is all my fault, and my fault alone. Anyone who told me different would be killed, because I don't care what anyone says but you can do no wrong in my eyes. You could kill me and I'd still be as in love with you as I've just said tonight. Actually...I think you have killed me, but, that's not the point.

 

The point is that, I, Amber Josephine Liu; am hopelessly, madly, deeply, truly, devoutly in love with you; Krystal Jung Soojung.

 

I realize I've just ruined our relationship completely by telling you all of this...That we can't ever be friends now that you know my true feelings that can't be changed. I'm a selfish bastard for needing to say all of this and in return lose my best friend as well as take away yours, but I just couldn't do it anymore, Princess..."

 

 

"I need you, hey~" 

 

 

Krystal's throat burned from being so dry, both hands clasped over as Amber rambled on about her affections for her. Her eyes were so blurred with tears she couldn't see anything except for the faint outline of Amber's silhouette. Her knees felt weak and she felt like passing out at any moment.

 

"I prayed, night after night, that this pain would be taken away...That I'd be able to love you like this, to hold you and kiss you and date you and marry you, and it'd all just...be okay. That we'd be able to be together, and belong to each other, that I could call you mine." Amber sniffled, unable to breathe and unable to cry any longer. She let a bitter laugh escape her dry lips, "But unfortunately that's not the case..."

 

The tomboy raised her head to look at her former bestest friend in the whole wide world, feeling like breaking down anew at her now-devestated appearance, but she just couldn't anymore. With all her feelings expressed, she now felt numb.

 

 

"Oh, with trembling steps,"

 

 

"I'm sorry for ruining your life. I'm sorry I made our training together pointless. I'm sorry I feel like this. I'm sorry...I'm sorry I ever became your friend. I'm just...I'm sorry, Princess, I'm so sorry." She said quietly, only to be rewarded with a choked sob from the younger girl as her hands fell.

 

"A...A-Amb-ber..."

 

"I carefully approach you again."

 

 

 

 

The older girl stepped in front of her, and before either of them could register what was happening Amber's lips were on Krystal's, igniting fireworks of the billions.

 

 

 

"Oh please,
come closer so you can
see my love."

 

 

 

The kiss was deep but innocent; as much as Amber wanted to pin her to the wall and shove her tongue down , to taste every inch of , she wouldn't violate Krystal in that way. She shouldn't even be kissing her now, but if this was the last she'd ever see the younger girl, she wanted to make the pain count for something. Anything...

 

"I love you." Amber whispered. "And I'm sorry."

 

"One, two, my heart..."

 

 

With that, Amber turned and ran as fast as she could the way she came; just faintly hearing Krystal screaming her name as the loud splashes of her feet hitting muddy puddles rang in her ears in time with her thudding heartbeat, which seemed to of come back to life after the first few moments of pure death.

 

 

"Three, four, my breath..."

 

 

"AMBER! COME BACK!" Krystal screamed. "AMBER!"

 

She saw her breath in front of her on the cold Seoul night as she gasped, trying to calm her beating heart after feeling like it was stabbed and was slowly leaking her life onto the floor.

 

"AMBER LIU!"

 

"Five, six, my entire body walks..."

 

Amber stumbled into the dorm, hastily taking off her muddy shoes and dropping them on the mat at the front door. She ripped off her jacket and threw it in the garbage can, realizing that the jacket had been a gift from Krystal during her first winter in Seoul.

 

She slowly limped toward her bedroom, exhausted and delirious. Furiously, she began pulling all her clothes from their drawers, throwing everything Krystal had even touched into the hamper and making plans to set it all on fire in the morning.

 

She threw her pictures on the ground, ignoring her tears that dripped down onto their shiny glass panes and reflected in the dim light of the room. Smiling faces that were once Krystal and Amber's beautiful friendship looked back at her, forever captured and framed in time.

 

Amber stopped herself from punching a hole in the wall when she remembered that she shared this dorm with three other girls and they could be woken up at any time. She couldn't bear seeing their faces. She would break down. She'd say even more things she shouldn't, and create more broken pieces that were once her life.

 

Gripping her hair in frustration, Amber kicked the pictures under her bed so she didn't have to see her pathetic form near her Princess' perfect being.

 

When she looked up, she was facing her mirror, hanging on the door of her closet.

 

 

"...only seeing you."

 

In the reflection, Amber didn't see a seemingly rough-and-tough tomboy that actually had a bright and dorky personality like her friends and family all boasted about. She didn't see a y badass that could kill the fangirls with one glance or smirk, like the entire f(x) fandom went crazy about.

 

 

 

 

All Amber saw,

 

 

 

 

in that mirror,

 

 

 

 

was Krystal.

 

 

 

 

Her eyes were crying out for Krystal to come and wipe her tears away. Her lips trembled, desperate to feel the soft heaven that were Krystal's own to come calm her down with a beautiful kiss that would make her heart flutter and forget all her fears and frustrations. Her cheeks were smeared with black eyeliner and a pink blush, that Krystal would have once wiped away with a rag and then kissed and told her everything would be okay.

 

Everything was Krystal. All around her was Krystal. She was an extension of Krystal.

 

Reeling back like a drunken fool, with a tired, hurting, and broken heart; Amber collapsed on her bed, completely unconcious.

 

Once again, dreaming of a life with Soojung that would never be true.

 

 

"One, two, even now..."

 

 

 

Amber sniffled as she tidied up the mess in her room, the realization of what she had done the previous night taking it's slow time to sink in. What was she going to do now? She couldn't stay in f(x), the tension between her and Krystal would make their jobs impossible, not to mention the other members would notice the two who'd previously spent all their time hanging off each other suddenly avoid each other like the plague. But she couldn't leave either, her contract forbade that.

 

Sighing loudly, Amber dropped to her knees and slumped against the foot of her bed.

 

Everything Amber touched held a memory of her former best friend. Memories that were once full of laughter and joy suddenly turned dark and bitter, leaving the tomboy with a sick feeling in her stomach. A feeling that never seemed to leave.

 

She thought that confessing would lessen the pain, but instead, it had grown. 

 

Amber wished she'd listened to her father when he told her that Korea would be too hard on her. She wish she'd listened to Jackie when she expressed concern over one of Amber's many tearful phonecalls to her, freaking out about how badly she was struggling in a foreign country with no friends and next to no language comprehension.

 

But she was unabashed; a teenager who's number one goal in life was to follow her dream and not think of the consenquences until it was too late.

 

Now Amber was left with a heart that still beat despite having long died, friends around her that could never be able to help since they couldn't know the reason for her downward spiral, and a job that wouldn't allow her a single breath before she had to sooner or later perform on stage with the girl she'd confessed her undying love for and gotten rejected; just like she knew she would and should of known better.

 

A knock pulled Amber from her thoughts.

 

"Unnie, we're going out for breakfast. Do you wanna come?" The third oldest, Luna, asked. Amber smiled tiredly to herself, how the little puppy-like girl was so chipper this early she'd never know.

 

"It's alright, you guys go on without me. I'm way too tired." She replied. The vitamin was a bit worried for her unnie's sake, Amber never turned down a chance to hang out with them, but she gave her signature bright grin and accepted the answer, promising to bring Amber back some food as she walked away from the door.

 

The tomboy waited until she heard the front door close to grab the nearest pillow and scream until her lungs burned.

 

"I hope you were able to brush off last night the way you brushed off that guy. I hope you realize I'm trash and that you're better off without me. I hope you aren't kind enough to mourn our friendship. I hope you aren't perfect enough to exist. I hope that these long years I've spent with you were all an illusion, and that in reality you and I never became friends and I fell in love with a ghost. That way, I'm the only one who has to suffer. You didn't lose your best friend, your world didn't shatter like mine. My stupidity led to my demise, and your reagal stature that only a true Princess could hold is what's going to lead you to your great success."

 

Amber continued to belittle herself with her own thoughts until a banging knock came on her bedroom door. Mumbling some annoyance, she walked over the door and unlocked it.

 

 

"Amber."

 

"Three, four, even today..."

 

 

 

The tomboy stood, frozen in the doorway, feeling the floodgate of emotions crash open as her body began to tremble.

 

"S...S-Sooj-ju-jung..."

 

Krystal looked at her, her unreadable eyes stiring a whole new pot of sickly emotions inside the older girl's stomach. "We need to talk."

 

The shock of Krystal's angelic voice woke up Amber's senses and told her once and for all this was not a dream. Last night had happened, and Amber had ruined everything.

 

"Amber..."   "NO!"   "Amber Liu!"   "Go away! Go home!"

 

Before the younger girl had the chance to reach out and grab the tomboy, Amber had already bolted past her and ran into the bathroom; hastily locking the door and pressing herself against the farthest corner of the tiny room.

 

"Don't run away from me again Amber Josephine Liu!" Krystal shouted. Her cold tone died down as she heard sobs come from the other side of the door. "Amber...?"

 

"Why can't you ever give me mercy?" The tomboy said, her voice weak and tired.

 

Krystal leaned against the door, her heart feeling heavy. "W...What?"

 

"Why are you making this so hard, Soojung? What did I ever do to you? I was just looking for a friend, but instead you gave me the most beautiful and perfect being on the planet. It's my fault for not being able to control my feelings, but why did you have to come here and rub it in my face?" Amber cried, hugging her knees to her chest.

 

"I spent too long dreaming of how I'd confess to you, and you'd reject me because you found me repulsive. When it became reality last night, I died. I can't take it all over again."

 

"Amber...I..."    "Just go. Leave me."

 

"Five, six, even tomorrow,"

 

 

"How dare you think I'd ever leave you for any reason Josephine!" Krystal screamed, her voice startling Amber and making the tomboy look toward the door with cautious, heartclenching disbelief

 

"You are my best friend, y-you're more than my best friend, w-we're insperable! I'm the Princess that does whatever she wants and you're the Servant that does everything I tell you! We're closer than close and we have a type of relationship no one's seen before!"

 

Amber swallowed the lump in , smiling bitterly at their pet names. "We were, we did, but now I ruined that because I'm selfish and weak."

 

"Uuuugh! YOU ARE SO STUPID!" Krystal screamed again, banging her fist on the door with all her strength.

 

"I know that! I told you I didn't need your rejection all over again! There's nothing you can tell me to make me feel worse than I do right now!" Amber screamed back. "Get out! Get out and don't ever talk to me again Soojung!"

 

"I never rejected you!" Krystal shouted. "You ran away from me! After giving me the most beautiful speech that's ever been spoken and kissing me with passion I've never seen you turned around and left me behind! I even called out for you to come back, but instead all I saw was your coward back as you ran away from me!"

 

It was Amber's turn to bang on the door, having already gotten up and stormed over with anger in her steps.

 

"I wasn't going to stand there and listen to the woman I would die for tell me I was a disgusting dyke! That you were absolutely mortified my filthy hands had ever held yours!
 

I wasn't going to stand there and have you look at me with hurt and betrayed eyes while you called me out for never telling you the truth!

Don't you understand?! I'm the worst friend you could possibly have! I lied to your face everyday! Whenever you asked me if I was okay I said yes when instead I felt like I was dying. You'd ask me if some guy in a magazine was cute and I'd say yes even though I wished it was me instead! I'd lay awake every night dreaming of our future together, that is, the fact that I'd have to watch you kiss and date and marry someone who wasn't me!


I love you so much...I love you so much? I couldn't even tell you the truth. The most important part of my life and I didn't have the courage to tell you, my best friend, who'd love me even if I said I'd commited murder."

 

"I LOVE YOU TOO!"

 

 

"Walk toward me."

 

 

 

"...W...Wh-Wha..." Amber stood on her side of the door, nearly catatonic. Was she was hallucinating now? Was she so dead inside that her mind was able to create such illusions?

 

"I can't put it as gorgeous and eloquently as you did last night, but I love you Amber Liu. I was just better at hiding it. Because, unlike you, I'm not confident with my feelings. I thought it was wrong to love you like this, because we're girls, b-because I was always taught that same relationships were abominations...That is, until I saw how broken you were at my doorstep.

I realized then that I didn't want to make the sacrafice of losing you, I'm not going to make the sacrafice of losing you. I won't let you be taken from me, and I sure as hell am not going to let you leave on your own accord. Even if it means we have a rough road of hiding our feelings in public and not being able to tell our friends; I'm gonna do it. I'm going to love you." Krystal said, voice gradually softening, tears streaming down her numb cheeks.

 

"And you better love me back or so help me I will make you wish you were dead for real."

 

 

 

 

Silence.

 

 

 

 

"Amber?"

 

 

 

 

The bathroom door stood still for several minutes, before slowly creaking open to reveal a tired, weak tomboy standing behind it. Her eyeliner was still trashed; a messy ocean of purplish-black splotches all over her pretty tanned cheeks. She looked into Krystal's eyes, finding the kindest, purist light in the so-called "Ice Princess"'s chocolate brown orbs. Her own eyes reflected nothing but sorrow, the tiniest glint of hope that was shining through still holding back a feeling of suspicion.

 

The fact that Krystal could tell Amber was no longer trusting what was in front of her own eyes hurt.

 

But the fact that the heaviness of her heart had transfered into her eyes hurt even more. The bright, dorky, hyper Amber was laying in a crumbled heap somewhere deep inside her soul.

 

"You've been dying all this time, little by little...And now you think there's nothing left...Please, Josephine, let me bring you back to life." The younger girl spoke softly, barely above a whisper, allowing her hand to reach up and cup the tomboy's cheek.

 

Amber's eyes fluttered, tracing over every inch of Krystal's perfect face. Her eyes were so blurry with tears but she could still see the angel in front of her perfectly, even as she leaned up, after first cradling her face in one hand, and pressed a soft yet deep kiss to her lips.

 

Krystal's tongue cautiously leaned out, pressing against the middle of Amber's lips, and the older girl found them parting naturally to allow the intrusion, their tongues gently mingling together as they both focused what little energy they had into expressing everything that was bottled up for years through the kiss.

 

They pulled away when their lungs felt like collapsing, and that's when Amber finally did.

 

"I love you...I love you...I'm so sorry I've done this...I'm sorry...I should of been stronger...I shouldn't of been so selfish...Now look at what I've done...I've ruined everything...None of this is going to be easy and it's all going to be so very hard...I can't believe I let his happen to you...How could you love me back when I've secured nothing but hardships for you now...?" Amber weeped, gripping Krystal's pajama pants in her fist. The younger girl crouched down to meet her height and took Amber into her arms, holding the tomboy against her chest.

 

"Amber...I...I love you, too...None of this was because of you, it's for you...You didn't do anything wrong, you love me so much you killed yourself for me. How is that bad and not heroic?" Krystal asked, but Amber just continued to spout her jumbled apologies and self-belittlments. Krystal decided to just let her be.

 

A great amount of damage had been done to both of their hearts from the explosive proclomations of love. This wasn't the end of their tears, and their pain, but it definitely was the end of being alone.

 

"I love you Stupid." Krystal murmered, using the wetness of Amber's renewed tears to wipe away some of the makeup, pressing a kiss to the girl's cheek afterward. Amber could hear her heartbeat against her chest, a strong, steady beat that only faltered when it thought of their love, in which case it quickened by milestones.

 

 

It was a beautiful sound.

 

 

"Baby..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I love you too, Princess."