Fear

It was something I understood I couldn’t live without simply because it’s where my life had revolved around ever since I could remember. It was the only thing that drove me to both move forward and tried to convince me to stop and give up, drove me to both take a risk and just keep waiting, told me to both reach out to touch him and keep my distance.

At times it had pushed me to my limits, and more often than not saved me from doing the things I believed to be wrong. But mostly it was the reason why I still had a small hope I was holding onto after all of these times.

The hope continually grew bigger with each smile, with each touch, with each time I hear his voice, with each time spent with him that seemed to be longer than I deemed safe. It meant that I’ve made some progress, that somehow he was starting to accept things in parts, that maybe we’ve made a small change.

That maybe this time I’ll be able to save him.

“Have you always drawn angels?” I asked Kyungsoo, watching him carefully drawing a pair of wings on white paper.

Kyungsoo nods.

I smiled.

“Do you like angels?”

“I wouldn’t be drawing them so much if I didn’t, right?” Kyungsoo replied, a playful smirk on his lips.

I laughed and shrugged. He stayed witty as I remembered him to be I see.

“Which part had attracted you most then?”

There was a pause. Kyungsoo stopped sketching and bit his lower lip in contemplation.

“Their wings,” he replied with such a bright smile but somehow my chest constricted a bit from the slight pain, feeling that very word slowly stab at my core from too much guilt. Luckily though, I managed a smile. Kyungsoo returned to his sketching.

“What do you like about them?” I found myself asking instead.

Kyungsoo stopped again, this time however closing his sketchpad before he’s facing me, eyes focusing on mine. And like every other time our eyes meet, I naturally the fear was back to both calm my heart and make my mind panic all at the same time. His gaze had always felt like it were probing, silently throwing a million question I could never answer. I refused to do so, not when the time isn’t right.

“I… I don’t really know,” he said, brows furrowing slightly in thought. “Maybe because they mean freedom and purity?”

I smiled at him. That I definitely understood.

“They do,” I said and I completely lost myself at the grin he sent my way. “Especially yours.”

It was completely accidental, a slip of the tongue brought about the relaxing feeling of being under the spell of Kyungsoo’s smile – or under Kyungsoo’s spell in general. The confused expression on Kyungsoo’s face made me feel scared all over again, in the slightest moment, and then the fear subsided. As to how though, I didn’t know.

“Your drawings,” I added with a smile, pointing to his sketchpad. He nodded and shrugged.

“Is that what you meant with that note?” Kyungsoo asked next, pulling out a small folded paper from his sketchpad and I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was nice to know he had kept it safely hidden despite it being unimportant. I nodded anyway.

Your wings were always the purest ones I’ve ever seen.

“Jongin?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

I smiled.

“Anything for you.”

===============

Drawing

It was the closest thing to calm I could ever have. I enjoyed the way my brain would empty itself and in turn be filled with the endless things I could create through a vast and empty white canvass of paper, the way the scraping sound would make me forget whatever it was that had made my nerves restless, the infinite possibilities that are more or less strangers to me seem to be the most familiar things to have happened, how the colors would look so intriguing and filled with the answers I knew I was seeking.<