“I’m home…”

Jimin called out and kicked off his shoes into the corner. There was no one in the apartment, Jimin knew that. He’s always said it out of habit and realized that he couldn’t fix it anymore. He set his bag down beside the coffee table and fell down onto the cold cushions of the sofa.

“Ahh today was tiring as well…” he mumbled and let his head fall down onto the back rest of the sofa. “My boss is starting to piss me off you know. And I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping with half the women in my office. Disgusting bastard.”

He tutted and the apartment kept quiet in response. Jimin still kept talking.

“But I met a really good friend at the coffee shop today.” He smiled. “Remember? The coffee shop we used to go to? Yeah I went and ordered your favourite, caramel macchiato. It’s still too sweet for my liking but I’ll grow into it sooner or later. I remember how much you liked it.”

No response. There was only the sound of a few cars passing by and the sound of the neighbour’s television but other than that, nothing. Complete silence.

“Oh you would have loved him so much, he likes the same music as you and he produces too! What was his name again… hmm… I think it was Namjan? Wait, no no it was Namjoon. Ah! Yeah I remember now! Kim Namjoon. He was so nice.” Jimin laughed and got up from the sofa to walk to the kitchen.

He opened the door of the fridge and got out a can of beer. Sitting on the floor next to the fridge were another 3 packs of beer that he’s bought. Jimin’s never drank before in his entire life. Maybe at parties and gatherings he’s taken a sip or two but the taste of it disgusted him and he always complained about how unhealthy it is. However, the only thing that could ease his heart these days was alcohol.

“He says he’s an underground rapper, isn’t that cool? You could have met Namjoon and made tracks with him.” Jimin said and drank a mouthful of the bitter liquid.

“Not that I know anything about producing and writing, I mean remember the time I wrote that piece for you and you told me it sounded like a 5 year old’s writing?” Jimin laughed and took another sip of his beer.

“He kept on talking to me even though I had no interest in the subject. Isn’t that funny?  I think you two would totally hit it off if you guys ever met.” His lips were quivering now and Jimin tried to muffle out the sound that he was making by drinking the can whole, down to the very last drop. There was beer dripping down his neck and onto his shirt but Jimin didn’t care.

He needed to forget

forget

forget.

He needed to move on. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to forget the lazy cat-like eyes that look at him with tender love and care every morning. He didn’t want to forget the soft lips that tasted like peppermint every time he kissed them. He didn’t want to forget the skinny, pale hand jotting down lyrics onto a notepad every time it got the chance to. He didn’t want to forget the auburn hair that was sometimes slightly stiff because of the hair gel. He didn’t want to forget those arms around his shoulders, the warmth of the breathe that fanned on his neck every night.

He didn’t want to forget.

And he couldn’t.

He just kept denying it, he acted as if the other was still here, still in this room listening to him go on and on about his day. Because Jimin knew if he stopped talking, he would only hear silence. The quiet of the night scared him because it meant that he really was alone in this house, that the other was really gone, that his other half is really dead.

And Jimin didn’t want to live thinking like that so he kept lying to himself every day at work that he would be coming home to someone and every night in bed that he would be waking up to someone. The cold nights never bothered him because to Jimin, there was always someone lying next to him cuddling with him to keep him warm. When he reached out however, there was no one there, just piles of pillows and blankets that still smell like his boyfriend.

“I miss you.”

A tear slipped out of Jimin’s eyes and he scrunched up his hands against his dress shirt.

“I miss you so much… why did you leave me? Didn’t you say we would grow old together? What happened to our plans on moving to California and buying a house beside the beach? What happened to the afternoons we would spend with our grandkids and having family gatherings every Sunday? I thought we were going to study English together and you would go to America to pursue your producing dreams? You lied! You ing lied! I hate you! Why did I ever… ever -… trust you…”

His shoulders shook and Jimin slumped down onto the ground, fingers grazing his scalp in an attempt to calm down.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I just…” Jimin bit his lips, “I just miss you so much and I can’t live with the thought of never hearing you say my name again.” Jimin cried and cried that night. He cried until he couldn’t muster up any energy to stand up and just stayed on the floor.

Sunlight invaded into the apartment and shone hotly on Jimin’s face. Yet another night of crying himself to sleep and Jimin still woke up feeling just as drained as he did the day he heard the news.

“Min Yoongi…” he whispered, throat too hoarse to talk properly.

“I can’t keep denying forever you know.”

ughhhh wat is dis __ __