1 Sweat dampened his forehead, the nape of his neck; Min Hyun Jae sat with his elbows rested to his knees on the living room floor. He had barely counted his twentieth sit-up when Eun Gyeol joined him in the living room, but already he felt tired. It was simply one of those days where his head ached a little at the temples, and his joints were stiff from the gentle drizzle of rain outside. But it seemed Eun Gyeol was having one of those days as well, though he looked far more troubled that Hyun Jae felt.

“Yah, Eun Gyeol-ah. What is it?”

For a long time Eun Gyeol said nothing, and when he finally spoke, it was barely above a whisper. “Can I talk to you about something?” he asked. “As a man to another man.”

“Sure.”

Anticipation as Hyun Jae waited. He first sat quietly, but when Eun Gyeol made no attempt to speak again, he cleared his throat. And still: nothing. He fixed the collar of his T-shirt, pushed the hair out of his eyes; he tapped his feet against the floor, waiting, waiting. Until finally:

“Come on, dude! Tell me. I have to take a shower.”

Eun Gyeol shifted on the couch where he sat slouched, staring at his hands. He smiled at Hyun Jae with crescent eyes, and bright white teeth, but it was false. Hyun Jae could feel it.

“Ah,” was all he said, but it was a start. Hyun Jae scooted closer to the couch, looking up expectantly with wide, interested eyes.

Deep inhale, slow exhale; Eun Gyeol asked: “Do you ever think about guys?”

“What do you mean?”

A shrug; a soft titter. “Well, maybe, like, maybe you…think about kissing them.”

Hyun Jae blinked, openly startled. “Why would I think about that?” Then louder: “Do you think about that?” He came closer still, close enough to rest his chin on the arm rest. “Who is it? Hm. Is it me?” He grinned.

“Aish! I was only asking!”

“Come on. You can tell me.” He brought his index finger to his mouth, whispered a soft shhh. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.” He watched as Eun Gyeol worried his lower lip, his neat eyebrows drawn so deeply together they formed an almost perfect V on his forehead.

“Gyeol-ah, tell me. Who? Who?” It became a mantra, an annoying one at that, that made Eun Gyeol’s face pinch up, his cheeks burning a bright pink.

“You really are too much.”

“I want to know who has you so concerned.”

Picking at his fingers; hands clasped together, unclasped. Softly, and a little weakly, “Gu Jae Hee.”

Hyun Jae wouldn’t say that he knew it was Gu Jae Hee from the start, but he would say that he had a very strong feeling that it was. And yet, as his name passed Eun Gyeol’s lips, shock shot through Hyun Jae’s chest, making his heart beat a little faster. “Gu Jae Hee?”

Eun Gyeol jolted on the couch. “Don’t say it so loudly!” and smashed a pillow into Hyun Jae’s face.

“Wha—who’s gonna hear me in here?” He threw the pillow back and leaned against the couch, his arms crossed over his chest. “So, you want to kiss him. What’s the big deal?”

“He’s a guy.”

“Sure. But he’s a delicate guy. If I didn’t know he was a boy, I’d think he was a girl.”

“Really?”

Hyun Jae nodded. He smiled faintly as Eun Gyeol relaxed, his shoulders not as tense anymore.

“So…” Eun Gyeol chanced a glance up through his eyelashes; a meek little glance that made Hyun Jae glare. “Do you think he’s cute?”

“Uh, I guess. I never really thought about it.”

“What about me, huh? Am I cute?”

Hyun Jae’s eyes narrowed. “You—ah. And you say I’m too much.” He rose to his feet. “Sure. You’re cute. I’m gonna shower now.” Heading for the bathroom, Hyun Jae threw his shirt over the banister, ruffled the back of his hair.

“Yah, Hyun Jae-yah.”

With his hand on the doorknob. “What?”

“You’re totally cute, too!” And Eun Gyeol gave a thumbs up, flashing a wide, genuine smile that made Hyun Jae’s throat feel a little tight.

“This kid…” he shook his head, waving Eun Gyeol off. But inside the bathroom, in the safety of his own privacy, Hyun Jae found that he couldn’t stop smiling

2 Sat on the couch with a comic book in his lap: Hyun Jae, reading slowly, barely reading at all. From the corner of his eye he could see Eun Gyeol lying in bed, could hear his soft sighs as he fiddled his thumbs, lost in thought.

And after a while: “Hyun Jae?”

He grunted, a low, noncommittal sound. But looked up all the same.

“How can you tell if you like guys?”

Hyun Jae scoffed. “How should I know this?”

“Well, what are your thoughts?”

He sighed out an: “I don’t know,” in hopes of avoiding the conversation, and ducked his head down, burying his face into the comic. It was useless. Eun Gyeol was on the couch beside him within seconds. “ I can’t help you.”

Eun Gyeol pouted his lower lip, widened his eyes, and gave the best puppy dog face he could muster. Hyun Jae felt his heart skip.

“You’re a brat. You know that?” He laughed softly when Eun Gyeol nodded enthusiastically. “I guess if you kissed him, you would know.”

“Gu Jae Hee?”

“Yeah.”

“But what if I only like him? I’d never know if I like guys, or just one.”

“Then go kiss another guy,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. This wasn’t his problem, so why was Eun Gyeol pulling him into it?

He returned to his comic, but wasn’t reading. He wasn’t even looking at the pictures, but simply giving himself something to do. He could feel Eun Gyeol looming next to him, and really, he should have seen it coming when Eun Gyeol started shoving at him.

“What do you want?”

“Hyun Jae…”

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

He sat, stunned, unable to speak for what felt like an eternity. His heart had beat right into his throat. “You’ve really lost your mind!” he managed to shout, shrugging Eun Gyeol’s hand from his shoulder.

“Hyun Jae-yah! Please! I won’t tell anyone. I promise.” Eun Gyeol dropped to his knees as if to beg, and scooted as close to Hyun Jae as he could without actually resting his head in Hyun Jae’s lap. His hands were pressed together as if he were praying, his eyes verged on wild. “Just one kiss. I need to see if I like guys!”

“Yeah, well, I don’t need you liking me, okay?” Hyun Jae brought the comic closer to his face, hiding behind it. A cold sweat broke out all over him; his head felt light.

“It’s not like that! Consider it…homework, or-or research. You’d be helping out your best friend!” He edged even closer, and Hyun Jae gave his shoulder a hard shove, pushing Eun Gyeol off his knees and onto his . “Hyungnim, please!”

“Who are you calling hyungnim? Cut it out!”

“I won’t tell anyone, I swear!” He raised his index finger. “Just one. Okay? One kiss.”

Every muscle in Hyun Jae’s body tightened. He could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, heart beating loudly in his ears. It was all he could hear; his heart beating, beating—too hard, too fast. “You really owe me for this. You got that? I’m not talking something petty like being my slave either. You really owe me.”

Eun Gyeol shouted, flailed his arms. “You’ll do it? Really?”

“Let’s just get it over with, huh?” He grabbed a handful of Eun Gyeol’s shirt and yanked him closer. Still on the floor, but now set between Hyun Jae’s knees, Eun Gyeol looked up with large, excited eyes. It made it hard to breathe. “If you tell anyone, I will kill you. Got that?”

An enthusiastic nod. He his lips, puckered them, and closed his eyes. The way he looked was absolutely ridiculous, and Hyun Jae couldn’t stop from laughing.

“Yah. Is that how you kiss girls?”

Eun Gyeol thought for a moment. Then said, “I guess not.”

“Be natural about it. If I have to do this, it has to count for something.”

“Right. Natural. Got it!” He gave a thumbs up, and leaned in. With his eyes closed once again, his mouth wasn’t nearly as puckered. His lips weren’t slack, but gently pursed together.

Hyun Jae couldn’t catch his breath, so he decided to hold it instead. He still had a fistful of Eun Gyeol’s shirt and used this to his advantage. He wasn’t going to be the one leaning in like it was some romantic moment. He’d push and pull Eun Gyeol all he liked, because he’d be damned if he was going to enjoy this.

Pretend you’re kissing a girl, he told himself as he shut his eyes. A pretty girl with long, dark hair and big eyes. Pretend it’s her first kiss, and you want to see if she likes you. It made his heart calm down, but just barely. He was still sweating, chest tight against his ribs. You’re kissing a girl, you’re kissing a girl, you’re kissing a—

But then he opened his eyes at the last minute and took in all he saw: Eun Gyeol, and his long eyelashes laid against his cheeks. His lips: pink and slightly parted; they looked soft—would probably feel soft. Oh, how his heart was going crazy.

Suddenly Hyun Jae pulled away, his mouth only inches from Eun Gyeol’s. He pulled back too quickly, and gave his neck a painful cramp, all the while pushing Eun Gyeol away.

“I forgot!” he shouted, jumping to his feet. “I have practice. I’m gonna be late.”

“You have practice this late at night?”

“Can’t ever practice too much. Right? I have to go.” He took his jacket which lay over the couch, and nearly ran for the door. “We’ll do this another time. I just—I have to go—”

Eun Gyeol: left in the living room, left pouting. He squinted toward the door, and looked carefully around the room. “He didn’t even take his gym bag,” he muttered to no one.

Out in the hall, his back leaned to the dorm’s door: Hyun Jae breathed heavily through his nose, eyes shifting to watch every person who passed him. He no longer felt that his heart was in his throat, but right inside his mouth; right on his tongue. Thinking was hard.

“Get a hold of yourself,” he scolded. Bringing both hands to his head, he rubbed hard at his hair. “Calm down—” and with that, Hyun Jae stomped to the gym where he didn’t practice, but instead sat thinking about Eun Gyeol and his pink lips. But not without shame.

3 One week later, sat in the cafeteria, eating dinner together: Hyun Jae, with Eun Gyeol beside him. They ate in a comfortable silence, chatting lightly about their upcoming games. It felt like years since Eun Gyeol had tried to get Hyun Jae to kiss him, but every so often the memory would surface in the back of Hyun Jae’s mind, and make it difficult to think of anything else.

Eun Gyeol was in the midst of telling Hyun Jae about a certain hard play he was learning, and how he felt Coach was being too hard on him lately, when Tae Joon, with Jae Hee close behind, walked by their table. Neither seemed to notice the two boys huddled together eating dinner, but they had both noticed them. Gu Jae Hee in particular.

A coldness spread through Hyun Jae’s chest at the sight of him; something pricked the back of his eyes, and made them feel dry. What was that? Surely not jealousy. But to see Jae Hee, the boy who had Eun Gyeol’s heart wrapped neatly around his fingers, and who didn’t even know it, made Hyun Jae feel bitter to the very core of his bones. He chewed his lower lip to hide his scowl, and tried to ignore Eun Gyeol who was a flustered mess in his seat, but found that he couldn’t.

“Yah, stop making yourself obvious!” he snapped.

“Am I?” Eun Gyeol blushed deeply. “I didn’t realize…” He rubbed at the back of his neck, smiled sheepishly to Hyun Jae. “Ah, isn’t he cute, though? So effortlessly, too. He just has to exist and he’s cute.”

“What’s so cute about him, huh? He’s nothing great. He doesn’t even have muscles. He’s so…”

“Squishy,” Eun Gyeol said with a sigh. “I call him squishy because he doesn’t have muscles. It suits him. Doesn’t it?”

“I guess.” Suddenly Hyun Jae wasn’t very hungry anymore. He had a bad taste in his mouth, his stomach twisting into knots that only became tighter with each word Eun Gyeol spoke. “If you’re into that kind of thing.”

“He’d look funny any other way, wouldn’t he? If he looked like you, or something,” and Eun Gyeol laughed out loud, grabbing hold of Hyun Jae’s bicep with both hands. He squeezed hard, feeling the stiff muscles beneath his school jacket. “You work out so often. You’re strong like a house.” He giggled.

Hyun Jae kissed his teeth, scoffed. “What’s wrong with that, huh? At least if I needed to, I could kick someone’s for you.”

“Oh. I never meant anything’s wrong with it.” He smiled brightly, eyes squinting shut. “I like it!”

“Eh?” Hyun Jae shook his head. “I’m leaving,” and rose to his feet with his tray in hand. He tried not to smile too wide when Eun Gyeol shouted:

“Yah, Min Hyun Jae! Wait for me.”

*

That evening, back at the dorm: Hyun Jae was late coming back from practice, much later than all the times before. His shoulders were heavy, his head filled with useless thoughts of Eun Gyeol and Jae Hee. Why did it seem this was all he could think about lately?

I call him Squishy, Eun Gyeol had said. It suits him.

Why was this playing on repeat at the back of his mind? It made his blood feel hot just below his skin, his hands inadvertently clenching into fists, unclenching. He wanted to know what was so great about Gu Jae Hee: a boy who couldn’t save his own life if it came down to it. Wouldn’t Eun Gyeol want someone who could protect him?

Someone like…Min Hyun Jae?

“Stop thinking this way.” He stopped outside the dorm, shaking his head hard. “Get a hold of yourself. You like the attention, that’s all.” And this was true. All Hyun Jae wanted was to be the top of Eun Gyeol’s list, but why? He had never quite figured that out, and didn’t plan on doing so now. He just wanted his thoughts under control.

He waited until his heart slowed its beating, but still butterflies fluttered in the pit of his stomach as he pushed his way into the room. Inside: pitch black except for the small glowing screen of Eun Gyeol’s laptop. From the doorway, Hyun Jae could see that he had fallen asleep on the couch with his computer resting on his thighs. On the screen a movie played.

“Doesn’t he know he’ll give himself cramps sleeping like that?” He was quiet as he crossed the room, walking on the toes of his shoes. He set the laptop on the coffee table, and stood for a long time trying to decide if he should move Eun Gyeol from the couch to the bed, or grab a blanket and pillow for him instead. It was only after he had tried to scoop Eun Gyeol, who was a boneless, heavy mass, into his arms that Hyun Jae figured a pillow and blanket was a lot better than nothing.

On his knees by the couch, trying so hard to be gentle and not wake him: Hyun Jae lifted Eun Gyeol’s head, and placed a pillow behind it. He brought the blanket from the bed, and tucked him in the best he could. And it was then, on his knees, looking down at Eun Gyeol who was sound asleep, that some undeniable thing stirred inside Hyun Jae.

The light from the computer screen cast the room in shadow, lit the far corners, and threw its blue light over Eun Gyeol’s face. This close, Hyun Jae saw all of him: his lips which were not pink anymore, but the color of his flesh; his eyelashes, long and dark and pretty against his pale skin. The rise and fall of his chest, the way his mouth curled as if even in sleep he couldn’t stop smiling. It occurred to him then for the very first time, that Eun Gyeol was not cute. He was far more than that, even more than handsome.

To Min Hyun Jae, Eun Gyeol was beautiful.

He knew what he was doing—at least at the back of his mind, he knew. But he couldn’t seem to stop. Hovering over the couch, leaning in closer, and closer. Hyun Jae’s eyes were fixed on the colorless shape of Eun Gyeol’s mouth; the gentle flush on his cheeks. He came close enough that the tip of his nose brushed against Eun Gyeol’s, and he could feel the gentle puffs of his breath against his mouth; only centimeters away, Hyun Jae felt the warmth of his lips, imagined what it would be like to actually touch them, to feel Eun Gyeol kiss him.

And suddenly the urge to yell overcame him.

He pulled back, startled by himself. What was he thinking? What was he doing? He nearly tripped over the coffee table as he bound to his feet; he no longer worried about being quiet. Eun Gyeol groaned in his sleep, moved from his back to his stomach—and for one horrifying moment Hyun Jae was afraid he was going to wake. And he would know what Hyun Jae had been trying to do.

He slipped into the bathroom, locked the door. His heart was a time bomb in his chest, beating frantically; ready to burst. He really thought he was going to faint. Hands gripping the lip of the sink, refusing to look himself in the eye; Hyun Jae started the shower, and stood beneath the hot flow of water until it all ran cold.

4 From the library to the dorm, walking side by side; Hyun Jae pretended not to notice when his shoulder brushed Eun Gyeol’s.

“I heard Sunbae’s having a party at his mother’s retreat,” Eun Gyeol said after some time. His thumbs were hooked around the straps of his backpack; footsteps light. He was bouncing along beside Hyun Jae, glancing over excitedly. “The whole dorm’s invited.”

“Oh.”

“Will you go with me?”

Hyun Jae shook his head apologetically. “I don’t like parties.” Then sighed heavily when Eun Gyeol’s mouth began to pout. “You have other friends, huh? Why do you need me there?”

“I don’t need you there. But,” he clenched his fist, raised it to eye level, “I want Min Hyun Jae with me! It won’t be any fun without you,” and he shoved at Hyun Jae’s shoulder, making him smile weakly.

“I wouldn’t be any fun, anyway.”

“If you don’t go, then I’ll only have Jae Hee to talk to.”

Hyun Jae froze.

“And even though I want to spend time with him, Tae Joon will be there too. He gets weird when we’re together. But…” he waved Hyun Jae off. “It’s okay. I’m only thinking out loud. Don’t worry about…”

Don’t be this way, Hyun Jae told himself. He was glowering without realizing. Don’t be jealous over something you have no business to be, and yet…he couldn’t stop the words from flowing out. “Okay. I’ll go.”

“You will?” Eun Gyeol studied him hard, then smiled brightly. “Really? Yah! You’re the best!” He wrapped his arms around Hyun Jae’s shoulders, effectively pinning his hands to his sides. “I’ll owe you for this.”

“Sure. Let’s go now, though. The retreat’s kind of far. I don’t want to be out all night.”

“You want to go dressed like that?” He motioned to Hyun Jae’s gym shorts with a grimace. “No way. Come on. I’ll make you look totally awesome!”

And this is how Min Hyun Jae found himself two hours later dressed in a polo shirt two sizes too small. It clung to his torso like a second skin, and even with the buttons undone he felt he was being strangled. But Eun Gyeol had said he looked cute, and though cute was the last thing Hyun Jae wanted to be, he liked the way Eun Gyeol looked at him.

They were sat at one of the outside benches, a beer in Hyun Jae’s hand; a cup of something pink that smelled strongly of liquor beside Eun Gyeol. He was already tipsy, Hyun Jae could see. He swayed where he sat, resting his head to Hyun Jae’s shoulder before pulling away, only to come back a moment later.

“He looks good tonight,” Eun Gyeol sighed.

“Who?”

“Jae Hee.”

Blushing deeply, but whether with jealousy or anger Hyun Jae wasn’t sure. He felt his chest tighten, his face pinched into a scowl. “All you talk about it Gu Jae Hee. You should find other hobbies.” He felt the weight of Eun Gyeol’s gaze bearing down on him like a heavy fist. “What?”

“You really feel nothing when you look at him? Even you said if you didn’t know, you would think he was a girl.”

“Yeah.” He scoffed. “But do I feel something for every girl I see? Looking at Jae Hee is like looking at a wall.” It’s boring, he didn’t add.

“What are you getting angry for?”

“Who’s getting angry, huh? I don’t like being asked things like this. So cut it out.”

With his chin tipped to his chest, puppy eyes looking up at Hyun Jae innocently, Eun Gyeol: “Sorry, hyungnim.” He grinned playfully, pawing at Hyun Jae’s arm. “I’m gonna get another drink. Want something?”

“Do you really need more alcohol?” But he was already walking away.

He came back with another glass of the pink drink, and a beer for Hyun Jae. It was left unopened on the table, but Hyun Jae eyed it stiffly, wondered if it would really be a bad idea just to have one more. But that was before Eun Gyeol started giggling uncontrollably, speaking quickly, unintelligibly. He had a grip on Hyun Jae’s forearm, fingers biting into bare skin. He was beginning to think Eun Gyeol’s hand print would be branded there.

“Hyungnim…”

“Stop calling me th—”

“I don’t feel good,” and he whined, leaning his body fully to Hyun Jae’s side. His hands were cupped over his face, knees drawn to his chest.

“What’s wrong, huh?” Hyun Jae crowded him instantly, pulling his hands from his face. He took Eun Gyeol’s jaw in his palms, tipped his head back. “Are you gonna be sick?”

Heavily slurred, eyes only half open: “Everything keeps spinning.”

“Wait here. Okay? I’ll get Sunbae. Maybe we can—”

Eun Gyeol took Hyun Jae’s wrist tightly between his fingers, yanked him closer. “Don’t leave me.”

“Ah, don’t be this way. I’ll be right back.” But Eun Gyeol was not persuaded. His grip merely tightened, and he buried his face into the front of Hyun Jae’s shirt.

“You’re being a brat,” Hyun Jae whispered, but not without effort. He was sweating all over. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t drag you around here like this.”

“I want to lie down.”

“Yeah…” he cupped the back of Eun Gyeol’s head. “Yeah, alright.”

It took some time (especially with Eun Gyeol draped over his shoulders, barely walking at all), but Hyun Jae managed to find a vacant room on the second floor. It was small, intimate. He felt himself begin to suffocate from the second he walked through the doorway. No longer sweating, but hot all over, he thought he was dying.

“I’ll get you some water,” he said thickly. Eun Gyeol lay in a heap on the bed, above the covers, shoes still on. “Can you get your shoes off yourself?” One look from Eun Gyeol, and Hyun Jae knew he couldn’t. “Aigoo. Why’d you let yourself get this way?”

He said something, but Hyun Jae didn’t understand.

Down on his knees, Eun Gyeol’s foot in his hands: Hyun Jae removed one shoe, then the other. He pulled down the covers, tucked him beneath them, sighing all the while. As he moved from the bed to the door, he called over his shoulder: “Are you going to be okay?”

Eun Gyeol sat up at once, holding either side of his head. “You aren’t gonna stay with me?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because I want you to.”

Hyun Jae stiffened, and fell silent. His tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, his throat swollen shut. What was he supposed to say to that?

He shuffled back to the bed, sat on the edge of the mattress. “Are you feeling better?”

“No.”

“Sleep, then.” He waited until he heard the bed covers rustle, felt the dip in the mattress that told him Eun Gyeol had lain back down. Then he fell onto his back with his head on a pillow. The blankets were bunched up under him.

“Hyun Jae-yah?”

He looked over; Eun Gyeol looked back. He was curled in an S-shape beneath the covers, his eyes wide and glossy.

“You’re a good friend,” he said.

“You’re barely figuring that out?” Hyun Jae lacked humor, but smiled to show he was only kidding. It was a forced smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes, or even lift his face. But if Eun Gyeol noticed at all, he didn’t show it. Hyun Jae had a feeling there was a lot he wouldn’t notice right now.

A strong sense of vertigo washed over him as Eun Gyeol inched closer to him, his head resting on the pillow beneath Hyun Jae’s head. He wanted to tell Eun Gyeol to stop, to move back to his side of the bed, but he couldn’t find the courage to speak. His body was hot, the tips of his fingers tingling as his hands trembled. When he looked over a second time, Eun Gyeol smiled faintly at him. It was then that Hyun Jae noticed a deep-seated sadness within his eyes.

“You know,” Eun Gyeol whispered, “you still owe me a kiss.”

His heart had stopped beating, he was certain. “What?”

“You said we would do it later, but we never did.”

Hyun Jae thought of how easy it would be to lean in, to take Eun Gyeol’s jaw in his hand. He wondered if it would be a sloppy kiss. Eun Gyeol was drunk after all, and surely he would kiss like all drunk people do: messy, with too much tongue. He would touch a lot too, because that was Eun Gyeol’s way. He liked to touch. And he was doing it now, his fingers running up and down the inside of Hyun Jae’s arm.

Suddenly, he shivered. He felt cold, but a heat pooled in his stomach that spread to his thighs.

“I’m not kissing you while you’re drunk,” he snapped.

“It gives you more reason to do it. Doesn’t it? I probably won’t remember in the morning.”

With a scoff, Hyun Jae rolled onto his side. It was his way of saying: this conversation is over. It wasn’t, though. He couldn’t leave it where it lay.

“What’s the point?” he asked. “Why should I kiss you if you aren’t going to remember it?”

Eun Gyeol pressed his fingertips to the tip of Hyun Jae’s spine, seeming to not noticed just how tense the muscles beneath his fingers were. “If you do it right,” he whispered, “then I won’t forget.”

Another shiver that made the hair on his arms stand. The heat in Hyun Jae’s stomach was replaced by knots that wound tightly, painfully. Had he been standing, he imagined he would have fallen. “Ah, seriously—” he buried his face into the pillow. “Where do you learn to talk like this?”

Softly, “Hyun Jae,” followed by a pause. “Do you like me?”

“Why would you—” he swallowed hard. “Why ask me that?”

“Sometimes I feel like you do.”

Hyun Jae sat up slowly, and pulled out of Eun Gyeol’s reach. There was a small couch in the far corner of the room. He would sleep there tonight, where Eun Gyeol couldn’t bug him. But before he could move, Eun Gyeol’s arms were around his middle, chin resting to Hyun Jae’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I was only kidding.” It was a lie, but Hyun Jae let it go. It was a lie for his sake, after all.

“Don’t play like that anymore.”

“I won’t.”

Hyun Jae let Eun Gyeol pull him back on the bed, and even let him drape his arm around him. He heard him whisper: let’s just sleep, and felt himself nod in response. Breathing was difficult, and thinking was impossible. But to have Eun Gyeol pressed to his back, the tips of his fingers brushing against the front of his shirt, made Hyun Jae feel slightly better.

Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as he had thought.

5 Four days later and Eun Gyeol hadn’t asked for another kiss, and Hyun Jae was not about to offer one. He was more disappointed than he had thought he’d be, and it was starting to show. He sulked around the dorm when Eun Gyeol was gone, and kept to himself on the second floor when Eun Gyeol was there. He studied for tests weeks in the future, and read books he had already read. He had planned to keep this up for as long as he could, but that Friday evening with his face tucked into a textbook, he heard the front door come softly shut, and Eun Gyeol’s weary sigh as he sat heavily on the couch.

At first Hyun Jae said nothing. He kept his face tipped toward his book, but his eyes fixed on Eun Gyeol. It wasn’t until he drew his knees up, and buried his face against them that Hyun Jae called down, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” was Eun Gyeol’s lifeless response.

“You don’t want to tell me?”

“It’s not like that.” He looked up with red rimmed eyes that seemed to drown in sadness. Hyun Jae’s heart gave a painful kick. “I have to ask you something.”

He moved from his desk to the living room, arms crossed, leaning against the banister. “Okay,” he said. “What is it?”

“Would you date me?” Eun Gyeol asked, softly.

Hyun Jae, startled: “What?”

“Would you?” He was no longer hugging his knees. His feet were flat on the floor as he leaned forward, eyes searching Hyun Jae almost desperately.

Hyun Jae didn’t answer. Eun Gyeol fell back against the couch.

“You wouldn’t date me,” he whispered.

“I didn’t say that!” Then, slowly: “Is this about Jae Hee?”

“He likes Tae Joon. He wouldn’t date me either.”

Hyun Jae crossed the room slowly on legs that felt like rubber. He crouched down in front of Eun Gyeol, and set his hands on his knees. “That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.”

“How can you say that? You don’t even know.”

With a scoff: “Are you saying I don’t know you? Dude, I live with you. I know you. Alright? And I know there’s nothing wrong with you.” He cleared his throat which had swelled shut, and rubbed circles into Eun Gyeol’s legs. “You’re perfect, Eun Gyeol-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You’d date me?”

“Yeah.”

“Hyun Jae,” he leaned closer still, sending Hyun Jae’s heart into overdrive. “You do like me. Don’t you?”

Waiting only a beat, Hyun Jae nodded.

“Will you kiss me now?”

Trembling from his fingertips to his thighs, Hyun Jae’s legs shook under his weight as he placed one hand on Eun Gyeol’s jaw, the other on his shoulder. He felt the warmth of Eun Gyeol’s palm flat against the nape of his neck, pulling him closer.

“You should have told me,” Eun Gyeol said.

Hyun Jae shook his head. “I didn’t know how.”

Eun Gyeol’s mouth was soft; his lower lip trembled, seeming to vibrate against Hyun Jae’s lips. It was a short kiss, something small. But as they broke away, just barely, they stayed with their mouths touching, Eun Gyeol’s fingers pressing hard into Hyun Jae’s neck.

He wondered if he should say something, but then Eun Gyeol was kissing him again; open mouthed, and hard. He pulled at the front of Hyun Jae’s shirt, yanked him closer; one hand in Hyun Jae’s hair while the other kept a firm hold on his neck. And Hyun Jae: reduced to soft whimpers, and short breath, kissed back with as much fervor as Eun Gyeol showed, and felt his hands shake as they cupped either side of his jaw.

“Do you like me?” Hyun Jae asked.

“Yeah, I do.”

The air came out of Hyun Jae’s lungs in deep, whooshing sigh. He leaned back on his haunches, his head hung between his shoulders. “Really?” he whispered. He was trying to hide his smile.

“Really,” Eun Gyeol said, and he wrapped his arms around Hyun Jae’s neck, pulling his head to his chest.

There Hyun Jae stayed with a faceful of Eun Gyeol, breathing deeply, taking him in. With his arms around Eun Gyeol’s middle, and soft shivers running through him, Hyun Jae felt himself relax forward, all but melting into the soft front of Eun Gyeol’s chest. And some time later when he felt himself being pulled onto the couch, he went willingly; all twisted limbs, and entwined hands. He kissed Eun Gyeol hard until he heard him whine, felt him shaking against his chest.

With his heart full and his body tingling, Hyun Jae wondered if this was what love felt like.