Han Sanghyuk was always at the front of the ecstatic audience. He jumped the highest and shrieked the loudest for the dazzling stage above, "I love you, Cha Hakyeon!" His love call beat all of the fan girls’ combined. Thanks to Hyuk's outstanding height, the rising star N, did not fail to spot him from the crowd. Hyuk swore N had winked at him. He was serenading his self-composed ballad at his direction. Hyuk was completely immersed to the sound and the light and the heat. If it was a dream, Hyuk would never want to wake up.

"Han Sanghyuk! Wake up!"

Hyuk flopped his head to one side, his eyelids could barely be pried open. He found himself drooling on a table. The people at the library sent dirty looks at his direction. "Shh, Minah. You're too loud.

His best friend was displeased at his study habit, "They were annoyed with your snoring."

Hyuk was in tear all of a sudden, "I had a nightmare."

"What was it?"

"N had a free concert here and he sang to me."

Minah was skeptical, "It sounded like the best dream ever."

"It's suppose to be a good dream, but he was playing at the concert I missed!" Hyuk's hands were balled into fists. "I could have been there in real life!"

She scoffed at his regret, "You weren't his fan that time."

"I was his fan right after! I was planning to go! I forgot to go! No idols ever came here!" Hyuk was about to pull out every strands of his short hair. “N won’t be having a concert for the whole year!” He could have been there for N when he had not been famous. He could have been sharing his tough life before he broke through the mainstream. He could have shout proudly that he was N’s supporter since the beginning of time. He was an idiot for missing a life-changing event. When would he have another chance to see him?

"Stop whining and study for your exam. Your V or L or whatever will be so disappointed in you. He's so hard working for his dream. Why can't you be more like him?"

"Me? Want to see my reverse dance?" Hyuk jumped from his seat. "N choreographed it." He kicked the floor and  ed his hip. Everyone in the room gawked at him.

Minah tugged on his sleeve using all her force, "Sit down! You looked like you were having a seizure." She shoved the calculus notebook in his face.

Hyuk and Minah were labouring over their textbooks for the next three hours... or more accurately, Minah was the lonely student having her dream university in mind while Hyuk had N on his mind. Minah eventually gave up studying with him at the library.

"Noona," Hyuk paused at the convenient store on the way home. "Buy me a lottery ticket."

Minah whacked Hyuk in the head, “Why would I?”

Hyuk stuffed the money in her hand, “Please!” He puffed out his round cheeks in hopes of  winning her favour.

Minah took the money and bought the lottery ticket begrudgingly. She threw it at his direction, “Hyukie, I don’t believe in luck, but if you win, I guess it’s meant to be.”

Hyuk clasped the ticket in his praying hands. He would meet N with it.

***

“20… 6…” Hyuk’s eyes darted between the lottery and the TV screen, “...6… 5…11...” his heart was beating rapidly as the numbers were matching up, “... 12!”

Hyuk fainted from too much excitement.

***

The preparation for Hyuk to move into his new mansion did not take long. The full length window at his room was facing a rolling lush hill and the private swimming pool. He was enjoying the view in his massage chair. Someone politely knocked on his door. It must had been his secretary.

“Mr. Han,” Minah waited at the threshold respectively, “Mr. Cha is waiting for you in the garden. Everyone has arrived.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

Hyuk greeted his guests moments later in his red dress shirt, skinny black tie, and black slacks. His bang had been brushed back to show his prominent forehead. He appeared to be more mature than a nineteen-year-old. His friends, family, and relatives were dressed in cocktail dresses and suits. The servants were busy serving champaign. A cocktail party was not the main part of the night, however, it was Hyuk’s dream man standing on stage.

N began singing his ballads. The activities at the party stopped and listened. His voice was soulful and his story about his own hardship touched the audience’s hearts. He was truly the star who were lightened up by a halo on stage. He was Hyuk’s source of light. Hyuk was moved to tears too, not because of N’s hard life before debut, it was the fact he was really right living in front of Hyuk’s eyes. Hyuk cheered him on the rowdiest when N performed the infamous reverse dance. He was dancing along with him from below. A private concert at the house was a dream come true for the loyal fan.

Minah approached N after the concert was completed and  led him towards the mansion. The pop star complimented the house in a way that it felt appreciated, “We can’t take the dedication of an architect for granted.” Minah started to see N in a new light. Maybe Hyuk did know where to look for a good man.

The latest billionaire was already waiting for the popular idol. Hyuk promised himself to not flee from the room when he’s here. The fortune of the universe left N and Hyuk alone in the room. N was delighted with the foods that were prepared exclusively for him, “Thanks for inviting me.”

Hyuk’s cheekbones were raised to the roof, “I thought you wouldn’t come since you’re so busy.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to my number-one fan,” N’s eyes crinkled as he spoke.

Hyuk could not pay attention to lamb steak in front of him, “Can you teach me the reverse dance?”

N was too kind to decline his request. He showed him the steps patiently. “No. It’s the right foot before the left foot.” N squatted at Hyuk’s feet. He patted his leg to correct his stance. His light touch almost made Hyuk fall to the ground, or rather, to fall for him more.

After the dinner “date”, Hyuk and N were keeping in touch. Sometimes, Hyuk would invite him over in his private jet. N was always grateful for his thoughtfulness. It was a vibrant afternoon in spring as the two friends were striding exploring the vast private garden. N laughed too hard at his own joke. It was adorable that Hyuk was easily-amused by his lame attempt of being hilarious. N would bend down to tie Hyuk’s shoelaces whenever they came loose. At trivial moments like these, Hyuk was overwhelmed with disbelief and gratefulness. Just a month ago, his infatuation had no clue about Hyuk’s insignificant existence. He could not believe the reality nor hold back his emotions.

N was puzzled by his glossy eyes. Hyuk attacked him with a hug before N could question his tears. Hyuk wrapped him in his embrace tightly to convince himself that he was real. N would not get away from him.

N wriggled out of the younger guy’s hold, “Thank you for being my energizer all this time, Hyukie. You’ve never failed to put a smile on my face.” His hand sneaked his way down to hold his hand. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes!” Hyuk screamed into the darkness. His heart still pumped wildly when he was disoriented by his surrounding. He was in bed in his crammy room without the massage chair, and N was not with him.

He hit the empty space besides him. Of course it had been a dream too good to be true! He hugged his blanket and thrashed on the bed in frustration. His regret rushed into his body like an incurable plague. He should have gone to see N when he had a chance to! The lottery ticket! Hyuk sprung up from his lying position. He the light and began his search.

He pulled out all of the drawers and knocked over all the things standing on his desk. He climbed the bookshelves and swam under his bed. He dumped all the notebooks and scraps from his backpack. The ticket had vanished along with his ludicrous dream. Hyuk punched the floor. Minah was right. If Hyuk was truly lucky, he should have met N by now. Luck was the least dependable thing on Earth.

Losers are idling.

Successful people take action.

***

Moving to Seoul alone was a significant decision for Hyuk. Minah had been reluctant to let him go, but she was supportive, “You wouldn’t know what hurts if you don’t fall.”

Hyuk’s apartment was too spacious for one person. He attempted to make his new place as comfortable as possible with the little things he had brought. He was sitting cross-legged on his new bed, looking out of the window. There was something here that would fill his empty heart.

N was moving about in his own apartment, oblivious to Hyuk’s presence. The idol took off his shirt for a shower. Hyuk should have stopped peeking at him, but the only things alive were his heart and bulge, his limbs were slacked. He wondered why N did not draw the curtains. If his neighbour could have full view of his daily life, the sasaengs were probably selling his exclusive photos for profit. N finally went to the bathroom and Hyuk resumed unpacking. He began to think that moving to Seoul was a good idea.

***

Hyuk’s life in Seoul was not different from his life back in Daejeon. The notable difference was that he would wake up at five in the morning. He was now lurking at the apartment’s parking lot by the emergency exit. The heartless wind blew into his eyes and he shuddered. He would watch N boardhis van safely. He would wait until the sound of the engine grew faint and hopped on his bike. He would ride behind his star for awhile before turning right to his school. He would be wide awake in early mornings and saw N returning home in one piece. Hyuk fell asleep every night thinking of his love. His lifestyle was matching N, except that Hyuk would sleep through the day in class.

Hyuk lived his days without the greed of meeting him. Deep down in his heart, he wanted to meet N at his best. He did not want a clumsy and awkward conversation with him. He wanted to be comfortable like he was his friends. Though they lived meters apart, N was a world away. Where was Hyuk’s daring courage when he needed it?

It was nearly six in the Sunday morning, and N had not returned from his schedule. Hyuk grabbed his thickest jacket and waited for his return. He hid in his usual shadow by the emergency exit.. Hyuk was revived when he finally saw N coming back after an hour of waiting, then his face fell.

N was not walking home alone. A swarm of fan girls were attacking his personal space like killer bees. N swayed a little in a drunk state. He was powerless against a dozen of lovesick girls. He would be devoured if no one saved him.

Hyuk released a warrior-like cry and charged at the large group of bodies. He pried the first person outside of the circle away. He replaced the girl’s spot and grabbed another girl by her wrist. He bent it back until she was yelping in pain. A friend of her tried to slam into Hyuk but he dodged her. Her face was flat on the ground. N watched another girl assuming a fighting stance. She kicked Hyuk in the shin but he would not buckle. He grabbed her waist and tried to wrestle her to the ground. The fierce fan girl would not back down. Her back leg engraved into the concrete and would not budge. For awhile, they were in a hug that was fighting for dominance. As Hyuk was losing the battle, an exterior force hit Hyuk from the back. Both Hyuk and the fan girl were knocked to the ground. Fortunately, the girl hit her head in the wall and lost conscious. The other fan girls were frightened by the sight of blood and fled from the scene.

N extended his hand for Hyuk to take. Hyuk paused to catch his breath and to stare at his concern for him. He wanted to look his best when he met N but he was covered in dried blood. Hyuk held onto N’s hand and wished to hold onto it forever.

“Thank you,” N was sober now. “I wouldn’t have survived if you weren’t there.”

Hyuk was tongue-tied, so he shook his head to deny his good deed. He would put his life before his.

“You were really brave. I need someone like you to protect me,” N continued to stare earnestly. “Will you be my bodyguard?”

“Yes!” Hyuk jolted from his sleep. He opened his eyes groggily to his dim surrounding. The familiar glow of lamp told him that he was in his room at Daejeon. He had never left for his Seoul adventure.

Hyuk stretched his back from the awkward sleeping awkward position on his desk. The first thing he saw was N’s latest photo on his computer screen. He was in his bell-boy uniform, smiling at Hyuk. No. He was smiling at the camera. Lately, Hyuk’s heart ached whenever he looked at his pictures or videos. They reminded him of his dreams, where dreams could never be reality. Hyuk would never meet N no matter how much he wanted it.

Hyuk got up from his chair and walked around the room. He started taking off all of N’s posters. He even took down his prized collage in which N’s pictures were put together to form his name. If Hyuk was living in regret and agony everyday, he rather not have known N at all. What’s the point of being in love with a person whose path would never cross with yours?

“Hey, Minah,” Hyuk was composing the text in tears, “you asked me who I like better? I like you way, way better than N.” His tapping was full of aggression. “I love you.

“I hate him.”

***

The study session at the library was productive. Hyuk had went in with an empty head and came out with a headache, at least he was full of materials prepared for his exam and not his archenemy. Minah had been right all along. His future was at a greater stake comparing to some nobody’s concert.

Hyuk took a short break going to the convenient store. He would buy a soda as the day’s reward. The world was spinning out of its axis as a black van idling by the side of the street drew closer. Hyuk stopped in his track.

Even though the man was in sunglasses, Hyuk could not mistake him for someone else. It was N  getting a breath of fresh air. Hyuk approached him shakily before the others could recognize him too. He fumbled for a paper and pen in his school bag while prancing towards his dream man. N flashed him a genuine smile when Hyuk asked for his photograph. He even took off his sunglasses briefly so Hyuk could have a better look of him. “Study hard,” N encouraged Hyuk before disappearing back to his van.

Hyuk gripped the autograph gently so it would not wrinkle. The whole encounter with N was too blurry. He pinched himself to get in touch with reality and it hurts! His vision blurred, though a man should not not cry. Hyuk had finally met N and even shook his hand! He closed his eyes to cherish the once-in-a-lifetime moment.

When Hyuk opened his eyes again, he was no longer on the street. His head was lying on the desktop in class. He kicked and howled, causing his classmates turning heads to stare at him.

A trickle of tear slid to his nose bridge. Life was too cruel to play jokes on him. He pulled his hand from his pant pocket and something fell out.

Hyuk picked it up and scrutinized it over and over. It was N’s autograph! His heart beat at a random rhythm. How? It was the question he asked himself a million times per second.

Minah was laughing silently at Hyuk. As soon as she had received the cryptic text, she knew that he would not get over his feelings for N. He just missed him too much. Minah was envious. She also wanted someone who she could love with all her heart.

“‘Keep your faith, Han Pabo,” read the back of the autograph. “Let’s work hard and earn tons of money. We’ll meet your love one day.’”