Kyung likes to pretend he's ok. He doesn't want his friends to be bothered with his problems. He thinks that maybe there's just really something wrong with him.

It might sound stupid for everyone else, but it really does bother him. There's always that nagging feeling inside of him.

Maybe it really is stupid. Maybe he's thinking too much, maybe he's dwelling on it too much. But it matters to him.

Whenever he checks their fancafe, he always checks the fanboard and their fans' comments. Comments on how good their new album is, on how good of a producer his fellow bandmate Zico is, how handsome Jaehyo was in their most recent Inkigayo performance and so on. He's happy, really, he is. He's happy that his group has come so far.

His fans love him so much. They love his sense of humor, his social skills, and half of the time his rapping, too. But not once has he ever received praises for being "good-looking" or "handsome". All he gets from people is how good of a friend he is, or how funny he is.

Kyung appreciates their comments on how he has a good personality and such, but he still hopes for a comment that praises his appearance. It might seem shallow to some, but it really is a big deal to him.

"Park Kyung-ah, your face is so funny in this picture ㅋㅋㅋ i love you!" A fan commented on a candid photo of him. 

Kyung stared at the comment for about 15 seconds, his face unmoving before typing out with slightly shaking fingers,

"Ah ㅋㅋㅋ handsome, right? ㅋㅋ"

He's always had a complex with his looks. He cares so much about his appearance. Kyung thinks that it's ironic that he's so vain, because he's not even handsome. 

'Only beautiful and handsome people are supposed to be vain, right?' He thought.

He wakes up an hour earlier than all of the other members to do his skincare regimen, consisting of a foamy cleanser, to be followed by a toner, and after waiting for 10 minutes for his face to dry from the toner, he applies a moisturizer with SPF 20 so his skin won't be damaged. He then applies a special anti-acne gel on his face so that he can have less breakouts. After doing all of that, he then spreads some BB cream all over his face so that his skin would be even. So that he would look good. After that, he would apply a hair serum that cost him $35 to the ends of his hair to prevent split-ends. And then he would put some volumizing spray to the roots of his hair, before blowdrying it, so that his hair would look stylish.

He tries so hard. He tries so hard to be handsome. He tries so hard to be considered a handsome guy.

Kyung is a realist, he doesn't live in a world full of delusions. He knows that without looks, nothing would really happen. 

Kyung thinks that he's just as good of a rapper as his bestfriend, Jiho is. They both have good flow, and they can both compose and produce good songs. But Jiho will always be praised more than him. Because Jiho is tall, attractive, smart, and has nice hands and lips. Jiho will always be praised as a "writing genius" even though they write just the same.

If you're attractive or goodlooking, all of your traits are magnified by a hundred times, Kyung thought to himself.

Kyung remembers their very first fansign during their debut era. He was psyched to meet their fans, and was excited to talk to them and thank them for their support.

One particular fan said something to him that time.

"Oppa, you kind of look like a cucumber!" She said, giggling.

Kyung was taken aback for a second or two, but didn't let it show. He then laughed with her and proceeded to sign her album and thank her.

His bandmates heard about her joke and thought it was funny and tweeted about it.

That was how the cucumber joke started. Kyung just laughed everytime it was brought up in an interview or in a fansign, and he himself joked about him looking like a 'cucumber'. But deep inside he felt like dying. He felt like tears were going to leak out of his eyes anytime now. 

So Kyung decided to get surgery. He saved up a lot of money to get jaw surgery that would cut off some parts of his jawbone and take months to recover from and comes with the risk of permanent damage.

Kyung still remembers the severe pain he experienced after getting it done. He couldn't eat and speak properly for weeks, and oftentimes he would cry because the pain was just too unbearable. But he had to stay strong. He had to withstand it, because beauty is painful right?

It's been 2 years now since Kyung had gotten his surgery done, and everything is still the same. He's still 'funny'. He's still 'funny-looking' and 'has a good personality'.

They say beauty is painful, but how come he still isn't good-looking? How come no-one ever notices his face, how come no-one ever thinks he's handsome?

He's trying so hard. But maybe he should just stop. Maybe all he's ever going to be is to be "funny-looking". He doesn't even know why it's such a big deal to him. But it causes him so much sadness.

Maybe that's all there is to him. He can be funny, talented and nice, but he's never going to be called handsome.