“Jackson-hyung, this is for you!” Jackson Wang glances up from the battered notebook on his lap to see a head of dark hair bowed before him and two hands holding out a white envelope. The head rises a bit until Jackson can see the face of Choi Youngjae peaking at him.

“Ah, Youngjae, what is it?” Jackson plucks the ear buds out of his ears and closes the battered notebook containing hastily scribbled lyrics. Youngjae bows his head once more and gestures to the envelope; Jackson frowns and eyes it warily. When he was a child, the news of his grandfather’s death came in an envelope just like this one. Later, the official test results that his snuffed out any hope of having a career in fencing came in a similar white envelope. It might be a bit ridiculous, but Jackson instantly feels uneasy when he sees white envelopes.

Youngjae must have noticed his hesitance because he soon spoke up, still bent over.

“Hyung, I don’t have any expectations. I’d just like you to read this and understand.”

“That’s cryptic,” Jackson mutters, but he pries the envelope out of Youngjae’s clammy hands. His missive finally delivered, Youngjae all but sprints towards the entrance to the roof.

Jackson an eyebrow at the younger boy’s antics and turns the envelope over in his hand. He rolls his eyes at the English script ‘To: Jaeckson Wang. From: Your favourite student’ written on the flap.

“The little bastard spelled my name wrong,” Jackson scoffed. Still, he couldn’t help but crack a smile. Of all the other students he’s tutored in English, Youngjae is definitely the most willing and eager to learn. One of the things Jackson likes most about him is how he isn’t afraid to try out new words and phrases, even if his pronunciation is way off. At times he’ll even surprise Jackson with some American slang.

Youngjae seemed really insistent on Jackson opening and reading its contents, but Jackson’s fear of white envelopes wins out. He stuffs the envelope and his lyric book into his bag and makes his way down from the roof.

The envelope weighs only about a gram, but Jackson’s bag somehow feels much heavier as he leaves through the school gates. Mark had better be online when he gets home; Jackson knows he’ll need a push to open the damn thing and find out what got Youngjae so antsy.

“I need you to tell me to open this envelope,” Jackson says as soon as Mark’s face appears on his computer screen.

“Hi, Jackson, nice to see you too,” Mark says dryly.

“We have met before, right?” Jackson sasses back.

“You need to open that envelope,” Mark sighs. That’s the best thing about Mark; he somehow manages to never get sick of being friends with Jackson despite all the bull that comes with it. Which is why he’s the best friend Jackson has ever had, because he honestly can’t help himself sometimes.

“Again, but with feeling!”

“Jackson, open the ing envelope.”

“Alright, alright. Gosh, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“No, but I kissed yours,” Marks grins with a wink.

“Mark Tuan! I am scandalised,” Jackson gasps, dramatically clutching a nonexistent pearl necklace.

“Quit stalling and open it.”

Using a knife he grabbed from the kitchen, Jackson cuts open the envelope, revealing a folded sheet of paper.

“It’s a letter,” he says.

“Who from?” Mark asks.

“Youngjae, the kid I teach English,” Jackson says distractedly, his eyes taking in the words on the page. Although his Korean conversation skills have improved, reading is still a bit slow.

“Youngjae? That’s the awkward one, right?”

“Mark!” Jackson looks up, pausing his reading.

“What? You’re the one who called him that,” Mark points out.

“Yeah, but I said it with love. It just sounds mean coming from you.”

“What did he write?” There’s a long pause before Jackson finally answers.

“Oh God, it’s a love letter. He wrote me a love letter.”

It’s been a couple of hours since he read Youngjae’s letter, but Jackson can’t stop thinking about it. He knew the younger boy was fond of him, and clearly looked up to him, but he wasn’t expecting that. Jackson can’t help but obsessively call to mind every memory of their interactions, desperate to see if there were signs of Youngjae’s feelings that he had missed or misinterpreted.

Jackson rushed down the corridor as fast as he could, a bag of bungeoppang clenched in his right hand, as he glanced at the watch on his left. He was running more than a few minutes late for his usual study session with Youngjae, and the younger boy was probably going to be upset. Hopefully the snack would be enough to mollify him.

“Before you say anything, know that I wouldn’t be late if I hadn’t stopped to get food for you because I’m such a good hyung,” Jackson huffed after bursting through the door. Instead of the complaining that he anticipated, Youngjae didn’t even look up at him, gaze focused on a sheet of paper clutched in his hand.

“Youngjae?” Shutting the door behind him, Jackson dumped his school bag and the bag of food on an adjacent desk and sat down at the desk in front of Youngjae. He lightly tapped Youngjae on the crown of his head. Youngjae only lowered his head more. He was about to crack a joke when he noticed the tears dripping onto the desk. Glancing down at the now unobstructed paper, Jackson saw the ‘D’ in the top left hand corner.

“Youngjae,” Jackson gently placed his hand on his head, ignoring the younger boy’s slight flinch “I’m going to tell you something that my father told me the first time I got destroyed in a fencing match.” Youngjae sniffed and lifted his head a bit; just enough that Jackson could see his eyes.

“That’s right, destroyed. I was the champion of Asia, but even I got my handed to me a few times. It hurt so much because I had gone into the match so confidently, but in the end I wasn’t even able to get five points. When my dad took me aside I thought he would tell me some platitude or say he was disappointed. He did neither. He said that it was his fault.” Youngjae sat up a bit more, confusion etched onto his face.

“I know right, I was the one who was out there, but it’s his fault? He explained to me that as my teacher, he was responsible for making sure that I was fully prepared before each match, and if I didn’t win it was because he had failed to prepare me. I still don’t know how much I believe that, but I’m saying this to you now because I trust my dad: this grade is my fault.”

Youngjae had calmed down a bit during his little speech, but at those last words, his face crumpled up again.

“Hyung…” he croaked.

“No, listen to me. You studied your for this test right?” Young nods. “Then you did what you were supposed to. The failure is on my end. I’ll work hard to do better by you next time.” Jackson bowed his head slightly.

“Hyung,” Youngjae was full-on crying again.

“Come on, don’t cry over this. It’s just one test, and I’m going to make you ace the next one.” Jackson took his handkerchief out of his pocket and began drying Youngjae’s tears.

“Come on, I brought that bread you like so much. Eat and let’s go over where I failed you in this stupid test.” Youngjae gave him a watery smile and blew his nose into the handkerchief.

“And you can keep that.”

“Thank you,” he smiled sheepishly. “Never give up!” Youngjae declared in English, sounding a lot more like his usual self.

“Never give up!” Jackson repeated in a reversal of their roles.

Staring up at the ceiling Jackson wonders if that was the day Youngjae fell in love with him. Did Youngjae go home and rub one out with his handkerchief? Does he keep it under his pillow at night? Maybe he’s just being ridiculous.

Huffing out a breath, Jackson sifts his gaze to the sheet of paper sitting on his chest. Part of him wants to burn it, but that won’t make him un-know Youngjae’s feelings, plus it just seems kind of mean. What Jackson needs to figure out now is how he’s going to approach Youngjae the next time he sees him. The last thing he wants is for things to be awkward between them, but it’s not like he can pretend nothing’s changed.

Sitting up, Jackson reaches for his mobile phone and calls JB. Im Jaebum is his closest friend after Mark, he’s known Youngjae since middle school, and he’s one of the most sensible people that Jackson knows. Surely, he could give some helpful advice.

“Hello, Jackson?”

“JB, I need your help. Youngjae confessed to me and I’m freaking out.”

“He did?! Wow, I didn’t think he’d actually do it…’

“What do you mean? You knew?” To think Jackson thought he was through with shocking revelations for the day.

“Of course I knew. I put the pieces together a while ago, but I waited to see what Youngjae would do. About two weeks ago he told me and asked what I thought about him telling you. I told him you probably didn’t like him back and he looked so upset that I thought that would be the end of it.”

“How long ago did you figure it out?” Jackson asks, but ‘How long has Youngjae liked me?’ is what he really wants to know.

“Long enough. So, what are you going to do?”

“That’s what I called to ask you!”

“So I’m guessing you don’t like him back?” JB phrases it like a question even though they both know it’s a statement. “Well, the one thing you’re not going to do is break his heart,” JB says sternly.

Jackson wants to get defensive, but he knows the older boy is just looking out for Youngjae, so he swallows the remark on the tip of his tongue and instead says, “Definitely not.”

“Good, good.” Jackson can practically hear him nodding over the phone. “Well, you could just let him know that even though you don’t like him back like that, you value him as a friend and will give him space if he needs it.”

“Okay, that sounds good. Should I wait for our next study session or should I call him up now?”

“Wait; give him some time to calm down. If you think you’re frazzled by getting confessed to, think of how anxious he probably is.”

Jackson sighs in frustration. He feels like waiting will only prolong the tension, but he did call to get JB’s advice, so he may as well hear him out.

“So, if you basically told him it was a bad idea to tell me, why did he do it anyway?”

“I don’t know, you’d have to ask him yourself.”

“Great,” Jackson says flatly.

It was one of the hardest things he’s had to do, but somehow Jackson has stopped himself from contacting Youngjae for four whole days. It was especially difficult yesterday, the first day back from the weekend. Although they’re in completely different years, their school isn’t so large that they couldn’t cross paths even if they didn’t want to. But Jackson didn’t get to be a number one fencer by being weak willed, and so he held out, and now it’s Tuesday evening, one of their two designated study days.

He was so anxious to get it over with this morning, but now Jackson strolls languidly down the corridor, almost dragging his feet. He’s brought bungeoppang with him again, this time in his bag. He hopes Youngjae won’t cry this time; he doesn’t have a handkerchief to offer again.

“Youngjae?” Jackson calls out almost timidly as he enters their usual room.

“Jackson-hyung,” Youngjae nods. He looks a bit abashed, but at least he’s looking Jackson in the eye.

As Jackson approaches his desk, he notices the test paper sitting on Youngjae’s desk. This time in the corner is the letter ‘A’. He smiles despite himself.

“Good job, Youngjae. You didn’t get 100% so there’s still room for improvement of course, but you’ve done well.”

“You prepared me well,” Youngjae smiles back shyly. Jackson shakes his head.

“You earned this victory on you own. I understand what my dad said now.”

“Hyung,” Jackson doesn’t know if it’s the sparkle in Youngjae’s eyes, the softness of his smile, or the tremor in his voice, but it’s too much.

“Look, Youngjae, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. No matter what I want us to be friends, you just have to know that that’s all I can be to you – your friend.” Youngjae cringes and looks down briefly. Jackson worries that his words came out harsher than he intended and is about to speak again, but then Youngjae looks up.

“I know. I’ve always known. I hoped, yes, but I really didn’t expect anything from the start.”

“Then why confess?” It’s been on Jackson’s mind ever since his conversation with JB. Youngjae shrugs.

“Partly, I wanted to get it off my chest. Mostly, I guess I just wanted you to know that someone loves you.” Jackson nearly chokes on his own saliva. It’s one thing to read the words and quite another thing to hear the words said to you face-to-face. Youngjae shrugs again.

“I know you want people to think highly of you, so I guess I wanted you to know that I do. Even if no-one else does, I do.”

Jackson doesn’t know what to say to that so he just nods. There’s a long pause where he stares at the desk in front of him, unable to look directly at Youngjae. Youngjae is the one who breaks the silence.

“So, Jackson-hyung, what are we going through today?” Blinking a bit, Jackson reaches into his bag and pulls out the bungeoppang. Youngjae’s expression flickers a bit, but smoothes out.

“For doing so well on your test, here’s a treat.”

“You’re a good hyung,” he smiles faintly.

The lesson is noticeable more awkward than any other they’ve had, but they both power through it. Before long, it’s time for them to go home. They separate at the school gates as per usual, but instead of walking home, Jackson watches Youngjae’s retreating back.

“ this,” he mutters to himself.

“Youngjae-ya!”

Youngjae stops and turns around, waiting for Jackson to run up to him. Jackson all but crashes into him while pulling him into a hug. As dazed as he must be, Youngjae manages to recover enough to wrap his arms around Jackson. Jackson has struggled to come up with the right words say – in what is his fourth language no less – and he’s not sure he’s done a good job of it, but he’s great at communicating through touch. He hopes he’s adequately conveyed the one thing he needs Youngjae to know but can’t say right now.

Jackson hears Youngjae sniff, but he won’t call him on it because he can feel his own eyes stinging. Pulling away at last, Jackson does his best body gag, the one that always gets the biggest laughs.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Youngjae laughs while wiping his eyes.

“Nothing,” Jackson shrugs. “See you later, Youngjae.

“See you later, Jackson-hyung.”

Youngjae turns and leaves with tears in his tears and a smile on his face. It’s not ideal, but it’s the best Jackson can do for now. And he knows that they’ll be alright, that Youngjae will be alright. And that’s the most important thing.

part 2