Story: Cold Waters
Author: kaepie
Status: One-shot
Characters: Jiyeon, Yongguk, B.A.P., Ailee
Rated?: No

STORY TITLE:

I think the title ‘Cold Waters’ is quite fitting for your story. At first, it doesn’t seem related whatsoever, but when you get to the end where Jiyeon fights Zelo it starts to make sense. I wouldn’t say your title is cliché and it did grab my attention when I saw it.
 

FOREWORD:

Your foreword was good; it outlined what the story is about and who’s in it. It didn't give away much of the plot, so I think this was pretty well done. I haven’t read many mythology fics about k-pop idols, so the foreword definitely made me curious about your plot.
 

PLOT:

Your plot fitted perfectly for a one-shot. If you made this into a chaptered fic I think it would’ve lost some of its impact on the reader. It did drag a bit in the middle where she had the flashback about how she discovered they were all mortal, as well as the end where she was torn between helping Ailee or killing Himchan. Although I have to say, if you did make the ending a bit shorter, it wouldn't have been as dramatic and I think that’s what you were aiming for. Overall, this plot will definitely stick in my mind thanks to its originality.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:

Since it’s a one-shot, character development doesn’t really happen so I will comment on the use of your characters instead. The amount of characters for this story was really good. You only used/wrote about characters that would contribute to your plot, so there were no characters that made me wonder ‘What the hell are you doing here? Get out.’ Also, I find it quite hard to write about characters interacting with each other simultaneously, but you handled that pretty well! In your end scene, loads of things were happening at the same time; Zelo and Yongguk, Ailee with Daehyun, Himchan with Jiyeon and Jiyeon with pretty much everyone. You pulled that off nicely and no character was left out.

GRAMMAR:

You didn’t have a lot of spelling errors, which is really good, but I listed two below that stood out.

Mist: …and would continue to live if she didn’t have
to take her away even if it was means to protect him.
Corr. him
Mist: “Look what you’ve did to me with your illusions.
Corr. you
 

Your sentences were structured oddly at some places which made them either hard to read or hard to understand. I’ve listed a few suggestions as to what you can change in the sentences below to show you what I mean.
 

Orig. : The man’s- approximately in his mid-forties-knife went right through the air above Jiyeon’s head and Jiyeon elbowed him in the ribs,
Sugg. : The man, who looked like he was in his mid-forties, threw his knife and it went right through the air above Jiyeon’s head and Jiyeon elbowed him in the ribs,
Orig. : “Jiyeon!” a breathless voice came from behind she and that seemed to snap her into her senses,
Sugg. : “Jiyeon!” a breathless voice came from behind her and she snapped back to her senses.
Orig. : Zelo still had that hateful smirk on his face that Jiyeon was determined to wipe off his face once she got her hands on him.
Sugg. : Zelo still had that hateful smirk on his face that Jiyeon was determined to wipe off once she got her hands on him. Those were only some examples, there were other sentences which you should consider re-phrasing at the start of your story as well.

ORIGINALITY:

Like I’ve said, I haven’t raid many fics based on any kind of mythology, so your plot seemed very original and interesting to me. Also your choice of idols went well with the gods and goddesses you wrote about.

PERSONAL ENJOYMENT:

I quite enjoyed this since B.A.P is one of my all time favourite k-pop groups and I also love Greek Mythology. Your story structure was planned out nicely and it didn’t seem like you had trouble coming up with what should happen next, so I really enjoyed this one-shot.

OVERALL:

Overall I’d say this was a good fic and if you just rewrite some of your sentences, people would be able to read it more comfortably and enjoy the fic as much as I did.

© Rightful credits basically goes to the shop and to the assigned reviewer ¦ cheonsafeather ¦ 2014