SILLAGE

how can I ever know how some people stay and some people go?

“Jonghyun oppa, I don’t like seeing you like this…”

“Oppa, eat something, you look sick!”

“Why don’t you rest? Tiredness could kill you know…”

“Nana unnie hasn’t been in for a while, is everything okay?”

I look out at the green parks in front of me, people milling about and minding their own business. There are kids going down the slides, swinging high into the air and laughing. And you were beside me, your hands folded neatly at your lap and watching the children play with a happy smile on your face. I sighed loudly, reaching forward and resting my tired head in my hands. Was this my punishment for being selfish? Because I’ll gladly take it, even though I know it’ll eventually kill me. I must have lost it, because for me to see you here, it could only mean that I’ve (finally) lost my mind.

 “You haven’t lost your mind,” you said, sighing contentedly and grinning at me. “I’m just here because I have unfinished business.”

Was your business meant to make me feel like I’ve lost all sanity?

 I hear you giggle. “No oppa! I’m here to help you through whatever you’re dealing with at the moment."

 "You could've chosen not to die," I said rather pointedly. I saw your mouth thin into a straight line. 

 “Did you have to choose now?” I ask tiredly, rubbing my eyes. The café hasn’t been doing well lately, and management has threatened to close it down. Since Nana resigned, I have been forced to do all work by myself. Cutbacks mean the staffs have been minimal, and they’ve all started to lose their interest in the café too. It was pretty much a lost cause. I have to shut it down eventually.

 “You can’t do that!” I hear you gasp in shock beside me. “You can’t! You simply can’t! I mean, the café is absolutely beautiful! It’s got picturesque surroundings, and a lot of people have been trying to get their hands on it! It has so much potential oppa, you can’t-”

 “I think business plans are not one of your best points,” I laugh humourlessly, earning strange and frightened looks from passers-by. But I didn’t care. “It’s a lost cause.”

 “It is not!” you said passionately, thumping the bench with your hands. I noticed that it didn’t make a sound nor did I feel any impact. “Just work on the gardens, re-work the image and make an entirely new menu! It will work, I promise you!”

 “Yura…” I began, but I sighed and got up, needing to be away from this pesky girl that would not give up on me, even from beyond the grave. But you weren’t letting me go easily, and you strode alongside me, your entire body swaying out of focus whenever you were hit by something alive.

 “Oppa, you can’t give up!” you pleaded with me. I refused to meet your eyes. “You have so much to live for-”

 “And so did you!” I stopped suddenly and turned towards you, anger and anguish flashing in my eyes. You stopped suddenly and clamped your mouth shut, looking at me with guilty eyes. “You have no idea how much you could’ve accomplished if you had just-”

 “What oppa?” you demanded softly, clearly not regretting your decision. “Stayed alive? Dedicated myself to that café? I loved that café, truly I did, but… that wasn’t enough to keep me alive.”

 “You had me,” I said through gritted teeth.

 “No,” you said sadly, shaking your head. “You were Nana’s, and I could never replace the years of friendship that you two had.”

 “We were friends yes,” I was getting terrified looks now, clearly yelling into thin air. “But I never loved her like I loved you!” You were quiet, staring at me with such a stare that for a moment I could almost feel your warmth. I could certainly smell the flowers with that hit of vanilla, but I just wanted to feel you.

 “I wanted to feel your skin, to see if it was as soft as I’ve always thought they were,” I said, breathing hard. “If it was as warm as I had always dreamed they would be, if you fit into my arms like jigsaws would fit into each other.”

 “Oppa-” you tried to cut into my rant, but I wasn’t done. Years and years of wondering flooded into my mouth and flowed out in words. Things I never knew I could say were suddenly possible.

 “I’d watch you every day, trying to think about why I was with Nana, when I could be wasting my life with you. I shouldn’t have wasted her like that, but I just didn’t want to lose her. I wanted you, but I didn’t want Nana to go. And now she’s gone, and you’re dead and all I have are questions. And dreams. Dreams that would haunt me until the early hours of the morning, where I wake up and think about how great it would be if I was also on the other side with you.

 I would gladly take my own life, Yura, if it meant I could answer all the questions I wanted answered while you were alive. If you liked being tickled, what kind of animals you would’ve kept. What breakfast you liked to eat after a long night of making love. The small noises you made while I showed you just how much you enchant me, how much I wanted to make you mine, all while not regretting that I broke Nana’s heart in the process. I would gladly watch the world burn, if it meant I could feel you beside me!” But you had disappeared, and I was left with tears streaming down my face, whilst your scent lingered in the air. The park was deserted, and the first breeze of winter swept through the orange of the autumn leaves.

I lay on the floor, puffing out a cloud of smoke from my mouth and nose as I let the THC surge through me. The world was spinning, but at the same time it was firm underneath me. The pain was numbed slightly, but not by a lot. I could tell you disapproved greatly, because the air was slightly colder than it was. I chuckled, rolling my head to one side and seeing your disappointed stare only made me laugh harder. “You didn’t really think I could cope without some sort of external help, now did you?”

 “I would’ve thought you’d focus on your job,” you replied. “But this… this is disgusting!”

 “Everyone does from time to time,” I shrug, and took a drag of the joint. I let out another massive cloud of smoke, feeling the effects slowly drag me down and lift me up at the same time. “I did it a lot in college.”

 “Yes, well, you were better than all of them,” you said, huffing. I laughed again.

 “People did it because they had no other way of escaping.”

 “There are lots of ways to escape without this!” you said in frustration. You got up and stomped to where I was pinned to the floor, scowling at me when you saw my drug-induced grin. “This is not the way for you!”

 “Death doesn’t really suit you either,” I said easily, and you threw your hands in the air and disappeared in a flicker. The moment you disappeared I lost my buzz, wondering if my high really came from you or the drugs. But a second later you were back, and you looked like you were about to prove a point. You stomped over at me and with a swipe of your hand extinguished the flame from my joint.

 “Stop making me feel bad for killing myself!” you said heatedly, glaring at me with so much anger I was silenced. “I wanted to join my parents, only to find myself tied to this godforsaken planet because of you!” Then you disappeared once again in a flicker of light. I lost my buzz for good after that.

 I strode into the café a few weeks later, looking around the deserted place. I have placed the café in a small hiatus, shutting it down and sending away what was left of the staff for good. I haven’t seen you since that night, and I wondered if you had crossed over for good. You were standing beside the cash register however, a wide smile on your face. In your absence, I had time to wake up. I didn’t want your dream for this place to die, and I didn’t want all mine and Nana’s hard work go to waste. I wanted… this place to continue, even if you couldn’t. I want to make this place your last achievement, because even if you couldn’t see it, everyone else could. And now they’d be able to taste it too; I found a list of recipes and a whole other host of plans for the café to expand into a shop. It was brilliant, actually.

 “So you like it then?” I heard your voice say behind me.

 I turn with a half-smile. “I do,” I said, smiling fully now. You looked beautiful, with a soft smile playing on your pink lips and your ebony hair tied up in a ponytail. So beautiful. “I’d like to thank you for keeping them safe for me, in case like this happened.”

 “You’re welcome,” you laughed. You came closer and I saw that you were starting to fade, little by little, as if you- “Yes, I’m done here.”

 “You’re leaving me for good,” as much as it pains me to know it, I will still miss arguing with you. It was almost therapeutic, to have someone there for you when others can’t see. And you’ve helped me through a difficult time in my life, and all I can do now is let you go. It makes me feel hollow. You smile and lift a hand, and I close my eyes imagining the touch of your skin.

 “You can continue on your own, I’m sure of it. And that even though you suffered a hiccup, I know you’ll make an incredible life for yourself.” Then you lean in close and press your lips against mine, a single tear falling from my eyes. “Live for me. Live the life I didn’t have the courage to live. And I’m sorry, for everything.”

 “You have nothing to be sorry about,” I smile, my gaze watery as you start to fade. I stepped back and wiped my eyes, grinning widely. “I love you Yura. There, I said it! Haha!” Feeling lighter than I’ve ever felt, I waved to you. “Say hello to your folks for me!”

 You laughed and in the blink of an eye, you disappeared. Like a dream that I’ve just woken up from. I sigh deeply, looking around the place and smiling slowly. You may not have been able to save yourself, but you have saved me from myself. I’ll miss your scent though, the very scent swirling through the air right now. Flowers with a hit of vanilla.