Honeymoon. The most happiest night in a girl's life. Like everyone, I had imagined my honeymoon to be just like a scene out of a beautiful fairytale. A beautiful hotel room facing the beach, watching the waves crash from the balcony as my handsome husband wraps his arms around me and cooes sweet nothings into my ear, eating delicious food while looking at the stars and when night time comes, making love to your man with all your heart. These are things that everyone dreams of. 

My honeymoon didn’t happen like that at all. It was completely the opposite of everything I had ever dreamed. The room I was in faced the skyline of the city I grew up in. It was an apartment that belonged to me and my husband, and so the balcony wasn't big enough for my husband and I to stand on. Takeout chinese food was what my husband and I ate. The only thing that fit well with my dream is my husband. He is everything a girl wants in a man. Tall, muscular, handsome, beautiful eyes and a sparkly white smile. His heart was golden, his love for me was incredible. Everytime I met his gaze, I'd feel the warmth he'd offer me, the love he'd offer me. My honeymoon night was something I should have been looking forward to.

It should have been a good next morning. A morning that would follow the night where it showed that I am his and he is mine for eternity. But when I woke up that morning and saw a lock of black hair on my pillow, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

My heart dropped in my stomach and tears bloomed into my eyes. An impending sense of doom fell over me and seemed to choke the life out of me. I let out a cry on being so shocked at what I just saw. My newly wed husband ran towards me after hearing me cry and sat beside me. He took me in his arms and I cried into his broad, warm chest.

“Yoon Ji, what’s the matter?” he asked me, his voice seeming panicked and clueless.

I wasn't able to form words and continued to cry my eyes out. What would I say to him? Hyun Joong-ah, your wife is going to be bald and ugly? Definitely not. I was so scared to lose him, though I was sure he'd never leave me.

Hyun Joong looked around helplessly and once he saw the loose black strands on the pillow, he sighed.

“Jagi, it's okay.” he murmured, sitting up on the bed and pulling me on his lap. He made me face him but I refused to look at him. I did not want him to see me with puffy eyes and red blotchy cheeks. I threw my hands over my face to guard myself, earning another sigh from him. He effortlessly took my hands away from my face and leaned forward to kiss my forehead.

"Aigoo, my darling's face is so red, I might use her face as tomotoes for morning breakfast." 

He'd say the absolute nonsense in the most random or awkward moments, without thinking twice and somehow it'd always make me laugh. It was always stupid or pointless and sometimes it wouldn't make much sense, but it never failed to entice a small giggle out of me. This time was no exception. I giggled through my tears and I looked up at him, knowing he said that on purpose to make me laugh. I found him staring at me with his wide, full teeth smile, his face looking childish yet attractive. He kissed my nose making me scrunch it up and then he nuzzled my cheek.

“You knew this was going to happen,” he spoke against my skin and looked at me.

“I did not realize that it was going to be so soon.” I sniffed and looked down, sorrow overtaking my emotions again

“I know, jagiyah. But your chemo treatment is powerful. We talked to the doctor about this before the wedding, didn't we?” Hyun Joong soothed, his hands caressing my back. I nodded and let out a dejected sigh.

I was on stage four of Chronic Lymphocytic Leukamia. My recovery rate was next to none. But, I refused to give up. I opted for the most aggressive form of chemotherapy there was in order to try and save my life. All my tests showed no positive results and I feared to die at a young age without marrying or having kids.

I started to date Kim Hyun Joong three years ago. I met him through a mutual friend and we clicked instantly. We fell in love and we were inseparable. I'd found out about my cancer when I was at his home, helping him pack for his tour a year ago. I used to get random chills or fevers, and I had lost a lot of weight unexpectedly as well. I started to cough out blood when I was at his home and Hyun Joong rushed me to the hospital, making me go through several tests. After I got my tests back and found that my cancer was close to killing me already, things started to change.

I cried in Hyun Joong’s arms nearly every night. I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep in my own house thinking that I would die in my sleep and no one would come to know about it. Hyun Joong asked me to move in after a few days. After a few more days of treatment and seeing no results, I confessed to Hyun Joong how terrified I was to die with none of my goals accomplished. I told him about my dreams of getting married, having kids, exploring the world and doing ordinary things. He told me that one day I’d beat my cancer and do all of them and that he'd be there with me.

When I didn’t show signs of improvement, he asked me to marry him.

Hyun Joong told me that he loved me and that he wanted to help me accomplish all of my dreams. He'd said that he wouldn't want anyone else to have me and that if I were to marry anyone, it has to be him. I found that very sweet of him and I accepted his proposal. I loved him equally and that gave me hope to not give up on my life. Both him and I thought that it was a good way to base my recovery on.

We got married within 5 months of being engaged, his mother and my mother selecting my dress and all so I would have the energy to stand at the alter with my fiance. The marriage was beautiful in itself, and with him smiling so lovingly at me, holding my hand to reassure me, it made all my doubts clear away. I was married to the most amazing man and I had the pleasure of calling him mine. And here I was, crying over a lock of hair in my husband's chest, on the bed we'd consummated our marriage in.

“It doesn’t matter if the chemo makes your hair fall out or makes you sick. Yoon Ji, you are still beautiful to me. You need to accept this for your own good. This is the only way you can get better. I’m not going to run away because of the side effects of your medicine,” he comforted me, running his hands gently through whatever's left of my hair. He looked at me with tender eyes, his eyes soft and loving. He held our gaze, gently lifting my chin up with his index finger.

“I love you, Yoon Ji-ah. Forever and always,” he assured me, a grin spreading across his handsome features. “That will never change.”

“Promise?” I whimpered, looking away from him and back down at the lock of dark hair.

He caught my chin again, drawing my attention to him. His smile was soft but still held the magic to make my heart leap in my chest. “I promise you, nothing will change.” He drew his forehead towards me, bumping it softly with mine. I smiled at his gesture and raised my head to kiss his cheek. He looked at me with those big eyes of his and leaned in to peck my lips.

"Nothing will change." He repeated again, as if to remind me what he had just said and pecked my lips again.

A small, hesitant smile quirked at the edge of my lips. I took a deep breath, lay my hand in his and pressed a kiss to his chest.

“But it already has.”

  x---------------------------------------------------------------x

Everything started to go crazy after that night, mostly concerning my therapy. I shaved off all of my hair so that I wouldn't go through the pain of watching me loose locks and locks of hair everyday. Hyun Joong was supportive of that idea and he even let me borrow his caps to wear when I had to go out or felt uncomfortable about my appearance. Chemo made me violently ill in the morning no matter how hard I tried to keep all the food down, but I looked decent enough for someone on the last stage of cancer. At my most recent check-ups I had abandoned the thought of a family. I didn’t have the time nor did I have the physical strength to carry a baby in my womb. Besides, I felt that if I recovered from my cancer Hyun Joong and I could always try then.

But that didn't stop us on making love whenever we were able to. Hyun Joong developed a habit of touching me, kissing me whenever he was around me. If I showed a bit of skin, he'd caress my skin and litter kisses all over my face and body. He had also developed the habit to hover over me during physical activities such as , taking out the garbage, taking out jars from the kitchen cabinet or anything that involved me to break out into a sweat. He’d make sure I felt ease at whatever I did. He'd even offered to shave my legs for me once and I told him that he was crossing the limit and there are some things that only I am supposed take care of. He threw a tantrum about it, saying that I shouldn't be doing any physical activity but I ignored him anyway. I was thankful that he was so attentive and caring, but this was a bit too much. It was anyway cute to see him sulk around the house like that.

Our married life was perfect so far. I was fighting hard every day to beat my cancer, and he was supporting me like a solid rock. My marriage with him gave me something to look forward to fighting this horrid disease. Even getting radiations did not seem bad anymore if it meant that I'd get to stay with Hyun Joong for a longer time and I continued to keep a smile on my face during the most painful procedures. He was everything that I had right now.

“Yoon Ji-ah, what are you up to?” Hyun Joong plopped down beside me, startling me.

I looked up at him with a grin and showed him the photo I was holding of our wedding night. He shot a handsome smile upon looking at the picture and leaned down.

“The best night of my life,” he said, pressing a kiss to my cheek. I giggled at his confession.

“It was a great night indeed,” I agreed, grabbing his face and pressing a kiss on his full lips. “Mr. Kim, kiss me like you did on that day.” I flirted with a mischievious smile and he smirked at me.

“My pleasure Mrs. Kim,” he teased, before he kissed me deep and passionately.

This time, my stomach fluttered and for a moment I feared I was going to be sick again. But it disappeared quickly and I shrugged it off, dropping the photo back on the bed and wrapping my arms around my husband’s neck.

“Mmm, Mrs. Kim. If we keep going, our morning will turn out to be the same as last night,” he groaned as we pulled away. I chuckled at his never easing temptation and pecked his lips again. Who was I to complain? I was almost the same as him. "I don't see why that is a problem, Mr. Kim." I grinned, tightening my hold on him. Hyun Joong smiled once before dropping it in an instant. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me curiously.

“You’re sweating. Are you feeling okay?” he asked, wiping a sweat that was rolling down my temple.

“ I feel fine,” I said with a laugh, loving how caring he was being. "Jeongmal?" He asked and I nodded my head. "Neh, I am fine." I said. His smile widened a little bit, and he touched his lips to mine once. I pulled away after a few seconds.

“Do you want something to eat?” I asked him, taking his hand into mine and squeezing his long fingers lovingly.

“We can skip breakfast and go right to the ,” he smirked and playfully went to bite my neck. I squirmed and squealed at the sudden action, delighted at the moment.

“You're crazy,” I said, laughing when he tried to bite me again. “But really, I’m in the mood for some pancakes. You want some?” I asked. “Absolutely!” he said enthusiastically, his childish smile yet again lighting up his handsome face.

“Okay, I'll go and make some!” I said and kissed his nose and went to get up.

Hyun Joong suddenly looked at me, his brown eyes seeming darker than usual and his lips pulled into a tight line. I looked back at him, his expression confusing me. His hand left mine and trailed up to my chest. At first I thought he was leading us back to our previous conversation, until he placed his palm flat over my heart. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply, instantly pulling away.

“We need to go to the hospital. Now!” Hyun Joong exclaimed, grabbing my arm with one hand and dragging me out of the room.

“Hyun Joong-ah?!” I asked nervously, too shocked to do anything but let him drag me out the to the living room.

My heart was racing so fast in my chest that it started to hurt, and only then did I begin to notice how hot I was getting. My body felt like I was swimming in lava, burning the skin off my flesh. I ripped my arm out of Hyun Joong’s grasp leaned on the nearest wall, my weight on it.

“Yoon Ji! Yoon Ji, look at me! Yah, Kim Yoon Ji!” I could hear Hyun Joong saying, but the look on his face suggested that he was in fact screaming out my name.

My hearing was clouded by the sound of my eccentric heartbeat and my breath came in raspy intervals. Each time I inhaled, it felt as if my chest was being compressed with blood. I was drowning in my own body.

“Stay with me, jagiyah! Please! Oh god, please stay with me!” Hyun Joong cried.

I looked up at him, wondering why his entire body was hovering over mine. Had I fallen without realizing it?

“Yoon Ji! Please!” As he said this, his eyes filled with tears that raced down his cheeks.

I raised my hand as high as I could and let my fingertips graze across his now wet skin. “Saranghae.”

“No, baby! Please! Nado saranghae! Just please, stay with me!” He cried helplessly, his hands shaking my body. My eyes grew heavy, not letting me look at his gorgeous face for a longer time.

This is it? Was I really going to die in Hyun Joong's arms in such a tragic way?

“God, I love you so much! Please hold on, baby! I beg you! Please stay with me,” he sobbed endlessly, tears never stopping. The sorrow on his face was nothing I’d ever be able to forgive myself for if I made it through this. I am so sorry, my love.

“We have so much to do together! Visit the world, have lots of children, grow old together! Don't you want to accompliah all of that? Please hold on! We can get through this! We always get through things!” He wept and pleaded to me and I felt so helpless and merciless for not being able to do anything.

I couldn't do anything anymore. My body refused to help me this time. I tried to fight but it was useless. I was going to die here, on the floor of our house with him holding me and begging me to live. 

“I love you, Joongie.” 

“I know baby, I know. I love you too, my love. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. Can you please just stay?” he begged, squeezing my hands.

The touch felt weak and barely there, making tears spring to my eyes. Please... I don’t want to leave him. Someone hear my final prayers.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he chanted over and over again, bending his head down so that his lips met mine for the last kiss of my life. “I love you so much, Kim Yoon Ji. Always.”

Those beautiful words.

Those were the last words I ever heard him say as I slipped away into darkness and died in my lovers arms.

 x----------------------------------x

So this was something that I was inspired from listening to When Today Passes. :) Watching Kim Hyun Joong cry during Inspiring Generation was so heartbreaking. T_T 

Anyway, thank you for reading and please don't hate me :P

LOVE YOU ALL~