[ONESHOT] Memories of a Short Life
Description
My first one-shot. Hope you guys like it. :)
Inspired by music - When I Die Young by The Band Perry
* The sequel: The Last Meeting (x)
Foreword
The weather outside was grey. A thunderstorm loomed in the distance, threatening to break out soon. On the ground people rushed into the building where a wake was in session.
Those who came to pay their respects were dressed in muted colours of black and grey. They bowed in respect to the deceased and greeted the grieving family who accepted their condolences and words of comfort and support.
They then proceeded to bow at the man who stood by the casket as he numbly returned their greetings.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"She'll be sorely missed."
"Our loved ones would always be there, looking out for us."
He was sick of hearing it even though he knew that they were just doing what was expected of them. But all he cared at the moment was the chance of being alone with her.
He peered inside the open casket.
She lay surrounded by the white satin with her hands placed over her stomach and dressed in a simple white dress.
"You would have caused a fit or ran away if you knew you were forced to wear a dress," he chuckled. His thumb caressed her cheek and his eyes ran over her heavily made up face.
-------------
(March, 2006)
"I feel like my face is caked with mud." She sank into the seat and looped her arm through his, hugging it to her body.
"It's the bride's special day, just bear with it." He played with her fingers and sighed. "You're not the only one who is suffering you know. Siwon has been calling for me every ten minutes. Either so he can practice his wedding vows, imagining me as Sulli, or that he could dump his nervousness on me. I have a few minutes of rest before I'm called for duty again."
"Our brain cells must have been on holiday while we were out clubbing to celebrate their good news," she sighed dramatically. "Or else we wouldn't have agreed to become the maid of honour and best man. We should've known something wasn't right when they started buying us drinks. We dug our own graves."
They burst out laughing but quickly controlled themselves when they heard their own voices bouncing from the walls, laughter echoing throughout the room.
"Shh!" Krystal popped out of the bride's private dressing room. "Quiet you two! Sulli is very emotionally right now. If she cries, it'll mess up her make up." She disappeared behind the door and appeared again a few seconds later. "Great! Now she's bawling her eyes out. Her make up's screwed. You," Krystal narrowed her eyes and hissed,"Get in here and talk Sulli out of canceling the wedding."
"Oops." They looked at each other sheepishly and giggled to themselves.
"Our brain cells must have been on holiday while we were out clubbing to celebrate their good news," she sighed dramatically. "Or else we wouldn't have agreed to become the maid of honour and best man. We should've known something wasn't right when they started buying us drinks. We dug our own graves."
They burst out laughing but quickly controlled themselves when they heard their own voices bouncing from the walls, laughter echoing throughout the room.
"Shh!" Krystal popped out of the bride's private dressing room. "Quiet you two! Sulli is very emotionally right now. If she cries, it'll mess up her make up." She disappeared behind the door and appeared again a few seconds later. "Great! Now she's bawling her eyes out. Her make up's screwed. You," Krystal narrowed her eyes and hissed,"Get in here and talk Sulli out of canceling the wedding."
"Oops." They looked at each other sheepishly and giggled to themselves.
"Henry!" He looked up at the call of his name and glanced wearily at the bridegroom's door, and groaned, "But there's two minutes left."
"Amber!" They swung their heads at the same time towards the bride's door.
"That's us." She patted his arm and got to her feet. "See you later."
She was at the door when he held her hand. She turned around, looking at him questioningly and he dipped his head. He held her face, kissing her gently as she slipped her hands behind his neck.
"I'm not going through with this wedding!" The door swung opened and Sulli took a step back in surprise when she saw them. "Amber!" She pulled away from him. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Uh," Amber glanced at him then back to the furious bride who was glaring at her. "Kissing my boyfriend goodbye." She inched away when the intimidating bride with mascara stained cheeks took a step forward.
"How could you do this to me?" She pointed at the confused Henry. "He's the man I'm supposed to marry in less than an hour and you're here kissing him goodbye!?"
"Hey, hey, Sulli. That's Henry you're jabbing at." Amber pointed towards Siwon's room which was opposite theirs. "The man in that room is the one you're marrying."
"You liar!" A fresh round of tears came pouring down her small face. "Yah! Sulli, you come back in here!" Luna dashed out of the room and dragged her back inside. "Amber, hurry inside."
"Woah." He gaped at the door. "And I thought Siwon had it bad." Amber chuckled and pulled him in for a quick kiss. "Good luck."
~~
He smiled.
She returned it with a grin.
They were standing behind the couple at the altar as the minister spoke to the groom.
"Will you have this woman as your wedded wife? Will you honour her, comfort her and keep her in sickness and health; and above all, will you love her so long as you both shall live?"
"I will." Henry winkedas he mouthed after Siwon. She chuckled and did the same when it was Sulli's turn to answer. "I will."
"You may now kiss." The pastor said after the exchange of rings and groom lifted the veil over the bride's head. He leaned down and left a soft kiss on her lips.
And as he did that, Amber looked across at Henry. He smiled like a fool when he read her lips.
I love you.
-------------
He leaned on casket and rested his chin on his arm. He held her left hand and played with the red plastic diamond ring on her pinky finger.
-------------
(July, 2007)
"It's so warm today." Amber whined as they walked up the hilly street back to her house.
"Hey, hey, Sulli. That's Henry you're jabbing at." Amber pointed towards Siwon's room which was opposite theirs. "The man in that room is the one you're marrying."
"You liar!" A fresh round of tears came pouring down her small face. "Yah! Sulli, you come back in here!" Luna dashed out of the room and dragged her back inside. "Amber, hurry inside."
"Woah." He gaped at the door. "And I thought Siwon had it bad." Amber chuckled and pulled him in for a quick kiss. "Good luck."
~~
He smiled.
She returned it with a grin.
They were standing behind the couple at the altar as the minister spoke to the groom.
"Will you have this woman as your wedded wife? Will you honour her, comfort her and keep her in sickness and health; and above all, will you love her so long as you both shall live?"
"I will." Henry winkedas he mouthed after Siwon. She chuckled and did the same when it was Sulli's turn to answer. "I will."
"You may now kiss." The pastor said after the exchange of rings and groom lifted the veil over the bride's head. He leaned down and left a soft kiss on her lips.
And as he did that, Amber looked across at Henry. He smiled like a fool when he read her lips.
I love you.
-------------
He leaned on casket and rested his chin on his arm. He held her left hand and played with the red plastic diamond ring on her pinky finger.
-------------
(July, 2007)
"It's so warm today." Amber whined as they walked up the hilly street back to her house.
"Why? I like it."
She wrinkled her nose at him. He shrugged and swung their hands.
They've known each other since when Henry moved to Korea at the age of ten, seventeen years ago. Their families were very close, most probably due to the fact that they were the only expatriates living in the area. Ever since they were introduced to each other, they were inseparable. They did everything and went everywhere together. The three year difference between them was never a problem.
They were best friends until their relationship took a different turn when Amber became a senior in high school and Henry entered college. They became a couple. To many, it wasn't a surprise that these two ended up together. It was just a matter of time.
"Wait. I want to get ice cream." She patted his arm and dashed into the neighbourhood mart. After paying for two sticks of ice cream, she exited the shop to find Henry squatting by the row of vending machines that sold toy capsules. "Aren't you a lil' too old to be playing these?" She watched him pushed a coin in and turned the knob. He reached inside the flap and extracted a yellow capsule. He opened it and picked out a red plastic diamond ring.
He took her hand, observing the ring size then back to her fingers. "You have sausage fingers." He as he pushes the ring exaggeratedly past her pinky finger.
They've known each other since when Henry moved to Korea at the age of ten, seventeen years ago. Their families were very close, most probably due to the fact that they were the only expatriates living in the area. Ever since they were introduced to each other, they were inseparable. They did everything and went everywhere together. The three year difference between them was never a problem.
They were best friends until their relationship took a different turn when Amber became a senior in high school and Henry entered college. They became a couple. To many, it wasn't a surprise that these two ended up together. It was just a matter of time.
"Wait. I want to get ice cream." She patted his arm and dashed into the neighbourhood mart. After paying for two sticks of ice cream, she exited the shop to find Henry squatting by the row of vending machines that sold toy capsules. "Aren't you a lil' too old to be playing these?" She watched him pushed a coin in and turned the knob. He reached inside the flap and extracted a yellow capsule. He opened it and picked out a red plastic diamond ring.
He took her hand, observing the ring size then back to her fingers. "You have sausage fingers." He as he pushes the ring exaggeratedly past her pinky finger.
"No, I have perfectly fine fingers. You're forcing a child's ring on my finger. Of course it's going to be tight." She peered at the ring over her ice cream.
"For you." He smiled.
"I was expecting an actual diamond ring." She scoffed at the plastic offering but a smile appeared on her face anyways. "I should find a richer guy." Henry took a bite of her ice cream and she swung the plastic bag at him. "Eat yours!"
"No matter how rich the guy is, he won't treat you like the way I do." He stuck his tongue out and ruffled her hair.
"For you." He smiled.
"I was expecting an actual diamond ring." She scoffed at the plastic offering but a smile appeared on her face anyways. "I should find a richer guy." Henry took a bite of her ice cream and she swung the plastic bag at him. "Eat yours!"
"No matter how rich the guy is, he won't treat you like the way I do." He stuck his tongue out and ruffled her hair.
"Such a conceited young man." She tutted. "Maybe I should prove you wrong."
She jumped on his back and he caught her instinctively. "Sure, go ahead and prove me wrong." He threw her up so that he can have a better grasp on her.
"Hmph. You wait and see." Amber let her arms dangle around his neck and the plastic bag swung at her fingertips.
"You've already lost the game before you even started." He turned his head to her. "You won't find another perfect man like the one who is currently giving you a piggyback ride." She rolled her eyes and leaned her cheek against his head.
She jumped on his back and he caught her instinctively. "Sure, go ahead and prove me wrong." He threw her up so that he can have a better grasp on her.
"Hmph. You wait and see." Amber let her arms dangle around his neck and the plastic bag swung at her fingertips.
"You've already lost the game before you even started." He turned his head to her. "You won't find another perfect man like the one who is currently giving you a piggyback ride." She rolled her eyes and leaned her cheek against his head.
"Is cheese your favourite food?"
"No. You should know better that I hate cheese. Why do you ask?" She poked a finger at his cheek. "Because you're so cheesy."
"What did you say?" He ran in a crooked line while tilting her from side to side, as if trying to throw her off his back.
She screamed and held on tighter to him.
-------------
He smoothed out the wrinkles of her dress then gingerly reached out to rest his hand on her tummy.
-------------
(October, 2008)
Henry ran up the steps and rang the doorbell twice. He checked to make sure the concert tickets was still in his pocket when the door swung opened. "You’re here."
He took a look at her and knew something wasn't right. Amber was clutching the door for support, her face drained of colour and her hair pasted onto her forehead. “Are you alright?” He asked. She leaned her entire weight on him; her breathing was irregular as he helped her back into her home.
"I don't think so." She lay on the couch and dropped an arm over her eyes. “I’ve been feeling bloated lately and sometimes I would've the urge to vomit. Half the time, I actually do.” Henry came back with a glass of water and helped her up.
"Have you taken any medication? Aspirin?” Henry dabbed the corner of and put down the glass.
"No. You should know better that I hate cheese. Why do you ask?" She poked a finger at his cheek. "Because you're so cheesy."
"What did you say?" He ran in a crooked line while tilting her from side to side, as if trying to throw her off his back.
She screamed and held on tighter to him.
-------------
He smoothed out the wrinkles of her dress then gingerly reached out to rest his hand on her tummy.
-------------
(October, 2008)
Henry ran up the steps and rang the doorbell twice. He checked to make sure the concert tickets was still in his pocket when the door swung opened. "You’re here."
He took a look at her and knew something wasn't right. Amber was clutching the door for support, her face drained of colour and her hair pasted onto her forehead. “Are you alright?” He asked. She leaned her entire weight on him; her breathing was irregular as he helped her back into her home.
"I don't think so." She lay on the couch and dropped an arm over her eyes. “I’ve been feeling bloated lately and sometimes I would've the urge to vomit. Half the time, I actually do.” Henry came back with a glass of water and helped her up.
"Have you taken any medication? Aspirin?” Henry dabbed the corner of and put down the glass.
"No. I’ve ran out of it."
He touched her forehead and it felt warm but not enough to be counted as fever. "Rest. I’ll be back soon."
~~
Henry returned from the drugstore with a box of aspirin and something else in hand. He guided Amber to her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. He pulled out a box and placed it in her hands.
Amber stared at it. Although she was feeling dizzy, she could still clearly make out the object in her hands. She looked back to him warily. "But Henry, we didn’t use protection once. What are the chances.."
"You’ll never know." He grinned and he closed her fingers around the box. "Give it a try." She nodded slowly and opened the box, pulling out the pregnancy test kit and walked to the bathroom.
~~
"Amber." He rapped the bathroom door and called out her name again. "Amber, open the door."
"It’s not locked." He turned the knob and entered the bathroom with the test manual. "You forgot these." She took it from him and he sat down next to her on the edge of the bathtub.
~~
Henry returned from the drugstore with a box of aspirin and something else in hand. He guided Amber to her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. He pulled out a box and placed it in her hands.
Amber stared at it. Although she was feeling dizzy, she could still clearly make out the object in her hands. She looked back to him warily. "But Henry, we didn’t use protection once. What are the chances.."
"You’ll never know." He grinned and he closed her fingers around the box. "Give it a try." She nodded slowly and opened the box, pulling out the pregnancy test kit and walked to the bathroom.
~~
"Amber." He rapped the bathroom door and called out her name again. "Amber, open the door."
"It’s not locked." He turned the knob and entered the bathroom with the test manual. "You forgot these." She took it from him and he sat down next to her on the edge of the bathtub.
"It’s been two minutes." She told him, still staring at the stick by the sink.
She turned to him with a terrified expression. "What if I’m pregnant? Do you think we’re ready to be parents? I mean, I’ve never doubt we wouldn’t be married to each other but isn’t this—" She quiet down when he wrapped his hands around her balled fist on his lap.
"Amber, I love you. And I will, without question, love the baby too." Henry’s eyes sparkled at the thought of his unborn child. "What should we name the baby? Hey, wait. I’m getting ahead of things." She watched him in amusement. "Anyway even if we aren’t prepared, we’ll do our best. And besides, it’s about time we settle down don’t you think?"
"I guess." She smiled. "Should I check it now? I think I’m ready." She glanced at him and he squeezes her hand. "I’m ready whenever you are."
"Two lines for positive," she mumbled and shut her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Henry did the same and rested a hand over his heart. She turned the stick over as she opened her eyes in anticipation.
A single pink line.
"Oh," Amber said dejectedly. She referred to the box for confirmation and her shoulders fell. "It’s negative." She turned to him. "I'm not pregnant."
The excitement he felt before left his body as a wave of disappointment overcame him and he hid it behind a smile. "It's alright." He comforted her and took the pregnancy kit from her hands, chuckling. "We've excited ourselves too early." He wrapped his arm around her and rubbed her arm.
"You're disappointed." He looked up. She studied his expression and dropped her gaze. "I know you are." She twirled the plastic ring around her finger.
"I won't deny it. I'd love to have a baby but maybe it's just not the time yet." He ran his hand over hers and she laced her fingers through his, squeezing them.
"Yeah, I agree. Because I'm freaking out actually," she admitted with a sheepish grin but suddenly grimaced and pushed him away.
She gripped the sides of the toilet bowl and heaved into it. He quickly held her hair and patted her back as her groans filled the bathroom. He looked on worriedly and noticed she was just heaving out air. "Amber?"
She gripped the sides of the toilet bowl and heaved into it. He quickly held her hair and patted her back as her groans filled the bathroom. He looked on worriedly and noticed she was just heaving out air. "Amber?"
She dropped her head on her arm, breathing heavily. "My insides are like twisting itself and I feel nauseous." He wiped away the perspiration at her forehead. "I know I'll feel better if I vomit. But nothing is coming up."
"Don't force yourself. It'll only make it worse if you keep thinking of it." She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her to the bed. "Take an aspirin. You'll feel better."
But she didn't.
A month passed and her condition didn't appear to be improving. There are days when she thought she was getting better but the discomfort would appear again the next day. He was worried and suggested for a medical check up but she would brushed him off. "I'm okay. Maybe it's the fluctuations of the hormone level," she said.
He didn't believe it was that simple and pestered her relentlessly to visit a doctor. And one day, she finally took his advice. It was because her tummy had grown and there was weight to it, as if she was carrying a baby but she was not, which made it even weirder.
The first doctor they went to listened to Amber's explanation and he had her go for an x-ray examination. He observed her x-rays later and found nothing wrong but referred a gynae to them.
The gynae took a look of her condition and immediately knew what was wrong with her, ordering the nurse to take a blood sample which left them confused. "What you're experiencing right now are the symptoms of cancer." He pointed politely at her tummy. "Cancer of the cervix."
Henry gaped at him in astonishment. Amber stared blankly, her mind in pitch black darkness, unable to process his words properly. "W-what?" Henry managed to find his voice.
"I believe it's cervical cancer," the gynae told them. "We'll have to wait for the blood test results before I can elaborate further."
They sat in silence outside the doctor's office as they waited for the test results. "Henry." Her voice was so soft that he nearly missed it. "Am I going to die?" Her fearful eyes added to his uneasiness but he kept calm and wrapped his arms around her.
"Don't force yourself. It'll only make it worse if you keep thinking of it." She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her to the bed. "Take an aspirin. You'll feel better."
But she didn't.
A month passed and her condition didn't appear to be improving. There are days when she thought she was getting better but the discomfort would appear again the next day. He was worried and suggested for a medical check up but she would brushed him off. "I'm okay. Maybe it's the fluctuations of the hormone level," she said.
He didn't believe it was that simple and pestered her relentlessly to visit a doctor. And one day, she finally took his advice. It was because her tummy had grown and there was weight to it, as if she was carrying a baby but she was not, which made it even weirder.
The first doctor they went to listened to Amber's explanation and he had her go for an x-ray examination. He observed her x-rays later and found nothing wrong but referred a gynae to them.
The gynae took a look of her condition and immediately knew what was wrong with her, ordering the nurse to take a blood sample which left them confused. "What you're experiencing right now are the symptoms of cancer." He pointed politely at her tummy. "Cancer of the cervix."
Henry gaped at him in astonishment. Amber stared blankly, her mind in pitch black darkness, unable to process his words properly. "W-what?" Henry managed to find his voice.
"I believe it's cervical cancer," the gynae told them. "We'll have to wait for the blood test results before I can elaborate further."
They sat in silence outside the doctor's office as they waited for the test results. "Henry." Her voice was so soft that he nearly missed it. "Am I going to die?" Her fearful eyes added to his uneasiness but he kept calm and wrapped his arms around her.
"Shh. Stay positive. Haven't you heard of stories of people surviving cancer?"
"But they're only a fraction compared to those who didn't make it." She buried her face in his neck and he had no answer to that.
"It's confirmed. You have cancer. The cancer markers in your blood are above the average level." Henry reached for her hand and she held it tightly as the gynae continued. "It's advisable to enter surgery to remove the infected area as soon as possible, followed by chemotherapy. Are there any questions?"
"Will I be able to have children later if I go through this surgery?"
The gynae's face softened. "I'm afraid you can't. Because at your current stage, it's better to remove everything to prevent any further infection. You can opt for chemotherapy but surgery is more effective." The gynae glanced at the shocked couple. "Maybe you'd want to discuss about it."
"I'm not doing the surgery," she told him once they were out of earshot, standing at the corner of the room.
"But they're only a fraction compared to those who didn't make it." She buried her face in his neck and he had no answer to that.
"It's confirmed. You have cancer. The cancer markers in your blood are above the average level." Henry reached for her hand and she held it tightly as the gynae continued. "It's advisable to enter surgery to remove the infected area as soon as possible, followed by chemotherapy. Are there any questions?"
"Will I be able to have children later if I go through this surgery?"
The gynae's face softened. "I'm afraid you can't. Because at your current stage, it's better to remove everything to prevent any further infection. You can opt for chemotherapy but surgery is more effective." The gynae glanced at the shocked couple. "Maybe you'd want to discuss about it."
"I'm not doing the surgery," she told him once they were out of earshot, standing at the corner of the room.
"Amber, you have to do it," he held her shoulders and stared into her eyes. "You have to."
"Didn't you hear? I can't, we can't, have children." Her strained voice was accompanied by the tears in her eyes. "I don't want to lose the ability to have a child."
Henry shook his head and cupped her face, whispering to her. "Amber, the most important thing right now is to stop the cancer in you from spreading." He bit his lips to hold back his emotion.
"You don't want children?" Amber stared blankly at him.
"Ye--No..uh..I'm.." He stopped himself. The conflicting emotions that he was experiencing were making it hard for him to form a coherent sentence. "Amber." He pulled her into his arms and rested his head on her shoulder. "I'd love to have children but I want you to be healthy. You're putting your life at stake if you chose to forgo the surgery. We could always opt for adoption when we're ready to become parents."
"But the child won't be ours since we're not the biological parents," she argued.
"You don't want children?" Amber stared blankly at him.
"Ye--No..uh..I'm.." He stopped himself. The conflicting emotions that he was experiencing were making it hard for him to form a coherent sentence. "Amber." He pulled her into his arms and rested his head on her shoulder. "I'd love to have children but I want you to be healthy. You're putting your life at stake if you chose to forgo the surgery. We could always opt for adoption when we're ready to become parents."
"But the child won't be ours since we're not the biological parents," she argued.
"I know." He rubbed her back, calming her. "But Amber, please. Whether or not we're going to have a child is not our primary concern right now." He pulled away and ran his thumbs across her cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I want the disease to go away."
"Amber, please, Amber," he pleaded. She looked away and walked back to the doctor's desk. "I'll enter surgery." The gynae nodded and Amber turned back to Henry. "I'll do it."
~~
After the surgery, Amber was scheduled for chemotherapy treatment. Henry would always accompany her and tried his best to provide support.
The treatment was very tiring for Amber as she became physically and mentally exhausted after each visit and would doze off the minute she entered the car. After the six rounds of chemotherapy had ended, they anxiously waited for the gynae to review her condition.
"Your cancer is currently under control." The gynae smiled and Henry sat back in relief. "You'll have to return for check ups once in the while to monitor it." Amber grinned widely and was bouncing with energy as she dragged him out of the hospital. "I'm getting better!"
He watched her jumped around in adoration and ran to catch up with her. "What do you want to do?" He caught her hand and her fingers slipped into his naturally. "I want to have cake."
Joy was all over her face and she smiled happily at him which made Henry surprised her with a kiss. She hugged his waist and kissed him back, momentarily forgetting that they were in public.
"Who cares about cake, I have something else in mind." She winked at him mischievously.
-------------
He quickly wiped the corners of his eyes before anyone could see. He chuckled to himself. "Who is going to wipe my tears away for me now?" he muttered bitterly as he reached inside his coat, pulling out a letter.
-------------
(September, 2009)
Initially, Amber was living better than she had been for months. Her appetite grew, she smiled and joked around more and met with friends instead of staying at home.
But the cancer came back. She was again treated with chemotherapy of a stronger dosage than the first time. It was then all the liveliness that she possessed, disappeared. Seeing her suffer as she battled the disease while he couldn't do anything to help made him loath himself.
Amber was never affected by her appearance but she became self-conscious once tufts of hair started falling. Henry thought of the only thing he could do at that moment and went ahead without telling her beforehand.
"Henry, why did you shave your head?" Her voice was weak and soft but he knew she was unhappy.
"Amber, please, Amber," he pleaded. She looked away and walked back to the doctor's desk. "I'll enter surgery." The gynae nodded and Amber turned back to Henry. "I'll do it."
~~
After the surgery, Amber was scheduled for chemotherapy treatment. Henry would always accompany her and tried his best to provide support.
The treatment was very tiring for Amber as she became physically and mentally exhausted after each visit and would doze off the minute she entered the car. After the six rounds of chemotherapy had ended, they anxiously waited for the gynae to review her condition.
"Your cancer is currently under control." The gynae smiled and Henry sat back in relief. "You'll have to return for check ups once in the while to monitor it." Amber grinned widely and was bouncing with energy as she dragged him out of the hospital. "I'm getting better!"
He watched her jumped around in adoration and ran to catch up with her. "What do you want to do?" He caught her hand and her fingers slipped into his naturally. "I want to have cake."
Joy was all over her face and she smiled happily at him which made Henry surprised her with a kiss. She hugged his waist and kissed him back, momentarily forgetting that they were in public.
"Who cares about cake, I have something else in mind." She winked at him mischievously.
-------------
He quickly wiped the corners of his eyes before anyone could see. He chuckled to himself. "Who is going to wipe my tears away for me now?" he muttered bitterly as he reached inside his coat, pulling out a letter.
-------------
(September, 2009)
Initially, Amber was living better than she had been for months. Her appetite grew, she smiled and joked around more and met with friends instead of staying at home.
But the cancer came back. She was again treated with chemotherapy of a stronger dosage than the first time. It was then all the liveliness that she possessed, disappeared. Seeing her suffer as she battled the disease while he couldn't do anything to help made him loath himself.
Amber was never affected by her appearance but she became self-conscious once tufts of hair started falling. Henry thought of the only thing he could do at that moment and went ahead without telling her beforehand.
"Henry, why did you shave your head?" Her voice was weak and soft but he knew she was unhappy.
"I did it for you." Henry ran a hand over his clean shaven head.
"This is ridiculous," she said and broke out into a coughing fit. "Why must you put yourself through this?" she asked exasperatedly.
"To show you that it's nothing to be ashamed about." Henry touched her cheek. "And also to let you know that I'm always by your side." She trembled under his touch and tried to smile.
By the fourth round of chemotherapy, the gynae finally gave them the dreaded answer "There's not much we can do anymore. The cancer has metastasized. It’s terminal."
Amber cried. Henry pulled her into a tight embrace and ordered himself to remain composed. He has to be strong for her. He couldn't let her see him in a vulnerable state. He doesn't want her to suffer more. She cried herself to sleep as they drove home.
Once she was tucked under the comforter, he dashed out of the room.
He ran out of the house and dropped himself on the swing in their backyard and broke down.
~~
(January, 2010)
As her condition got worse, she could no longer get out of the house because she was too weak. Drinking was already a major effort for her, so what about eating? Henry had to resort to baby food to get food into her but even then, she couldn't handle much.
Henry took unpaid leave from work to care for her. He tried his best to lessen her pain. He no longer tried to avoid the truth and accepted the fact that he would never be able to grow old with her but he still prayed for a miracle.
He watched her sleep after spending fifteen minutes earlier in the bathroom, helping Amber as she vomited. He looked away and brought out a yellow toy capsule. He opened it and took out a simple gold wedding band. He was admiring it before his eyes slowly fluttered close, his body surrendering to exhaustion.
He jerked awake when the capsule slipped out of his hand. "I'm sorry I woke you." Amber apologized as she sat up next to him. "What are you doing with that?" She pointed at the ring.
"I want you to be my wife." She stared at him tiredly. "Marriage is an important decision."
"And it's an important decision that I've already decided on." He held a hand up to stop her. "Before you say anything, let me go first."
"Amber, I've known you since we were kids. We grew up together and we fell in love with each other. I will only ever love one woman and that is you. I will be very honoured if Amber Josephine Liu agrees to be my wife."
"What kind of proposal is that?" A small smile lit her gaunt face. Henry chuckled and got down on one knee and held the ring before him. "Amber, will you marry me?" She looked at the ring then to him.
"Yes," she whispered.
"Yes, I agree to be your wife." She smiled contently as he slipped the ring past her ring finger. He embraced her frail body and she kissed his cheek. "I love you."
Those were the last words she said to him before she passed on.
-------------
The letter was dog eared at its sides and it felt crisp in his hand as he reread the letter she wrote to him.
Dear Henry,
There is so much I want to say to you and it can't be summed up in just a piece of paper. I could write a whole book to you but that's impossible. So I'll only leave with you what I think I won’t have the chance to say if I left without a goodbye.
I count myself lucky to have met a person like you, my best friend and my lover. We experienced all sorts of things together and it gave me a lot of happy memories to look back on. I have never dared to think of what life would turn out for me if you hadn't come into mine.
I'm sorry for leaving early. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. Whatever it is that you're currently feeling, it will slowly fade as time goes by. It always does. Be patient Henry and you'll overcome it.
Now that I'm gone, please take care of yourself. Allow yourself to love another person like how you loved me. You have my blessings.
The most important thing that I want to say is thank you. Thank you for everything.
Love,
Amber
Henry pressed a hand over his eyes and his shoulders shook as uncontrollable sobs overcqme him. He took several deep breaths to calm himself before taking out another letter. This time it was addressed to her from him.
He scanned through his messy handwriting for one last time before folding it and placing the letter in her hands. His hand lingered over her ring finger where the gold ring hung loosely.
"I can't promise you anything but I will try best." He leaned into the casket and kissed her wedding band.
"Goodbye Amber."
"To show you that it's nothing to be ashamed about." Henry touched her cheek. "And also to let you know that I'm always by your side." She trembled under his touch and tried to smile.
By the fourth round of chemotherapy, the gynae finally gave them the dreaded answer "There's not much we can do anymore. The cancer has metastasized. It’s terminal."
Amber cried. Henry pulled her into a tight embrace and ordered himself to remain composed. He has to be strong for her. He couldn't let her see him in a vulnerable state. He doesn't want her to suffer more. She cried herself to sleep as they drove home.
Once she was tucked under the comforter, he dashed out of the room.
He ran out of the house and dropped himself on the swing in their backyard and broke down.
~~
(January, 2010)
As her condition got worse, she could no longer get out of the house because she was too weak. Drinking was already a major effort for her, so what about eating? Henry had to resort to baby food to get food into her but even then, she couldn't handle much.
Henry took unpaid leave from work to care for her. He tried his best to lessen her pain. He no longer tried to avoid the truth and accepted the fact that he would never be able to grow old with her but he still prayed for a miracle.
He watched her sleep after spending fifteen minutes earlier in the bathroom, helping Amber as she vomited. He looked away and brought out a yellow toy capsule. He opened it and took out a simple gold wedding band. He was admiring it before his eyes slowly fluttered close, his body surrendering to exhaustion.
He jerked awake when the capsule slipped out of his hand. "I'm sorry I woke you." Amber apologized as she sat up next to him. "What are you doing with that?" She pointed at the ring.
"I want you to be my wife." She stared at him tiredly. "Marriage is an important decision."
"And it's an important decision that I've already decided on." He held a hand up to stop her. "Before you say anything, let me go first."
"Amber, I've known you since we were kids. We grew up together and we fell in love with each other. I will only ever love one woman and that is you. I will be very honoured if Amber Josephine Liu agrees to be my wife."
"What kind of proposal is that?" A small smile lit her gaunt face. Henry chuckled and got down on one knee and held the ring before him. "Amber, will you marry me?" She looked at the ring then to him.
"Yes," she whispered.
"Yes, I agree to be your wife." She smiled contently as he slipped the ring past her ring finger. He embraced her frail body and she kissed his cheek. "I love you."
Those were the last words she said to him before she passed on.
-------------
The letter was dog eared at its sides and it felt crisp in his hand as he reread the letter she wrote to him.
Dear Henry,
There is so much I want to say to you and it can't be summed up in just a piece of paper. I could write a whole book to you but that's impossible. So I'll only leave with you what I think I won’t have the chance to say if I left without a goodbye.
I count myself lucky to have met a person like you, my best friend and my lover. We experienced all sorts of things together and it gave me a lot of happy memories to look back on. I have never dared to think of what life would turn out for me if you hadn't come into mine.
I'm sorry for leaving early. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. Whatever it is that you're currently feeling, it will slowly fade as time goes by. It always does. Be patient Henry and you'll overcome it.
Now that I'm gone, please take care of yourself. Allow yourself to love another person like how you loved me. You have my blessings.
The most important thing that I want to say is thank you. Thank you for everything.
Love,
Amber
Henry pressed a hand over his eyes and his shoulders shook as uncontrollable sobs overcqme him. He took several deep breaths to calm himself before taking out another letter. This time it was addressed to her from him.
He scanned through his messy handwriting for one last time before folding it and placing the letter in her hands. His hand lingered over her ring finger where the gold ring hung loosely.
"I can't promise you anything but I will try best." He leaned into the casket and kissed her wedding band.
"Goodbye Amber."
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