These are the diaries I've compiled together. All written on the same date.

 

13th January 2010.

 

It was raining heavily and I had no umbrella in my hands, nor in my backpack. The bell rang again seconds ago; it was the second time for the day. People were running on the corridor, trying to catch up the bus going back to their homes and no one would question why I was the last one leaving since it was very usual. I ran down the stairs to reach the entrance when those squeaking shoe sounds came to catch my ears, although the raindrops were plummeting loudly on the rooftop.  I turned my back when I saw someone in the basketball court. I did not think to approach, but seemingly, my feet drove me there.

 

I saw him dribbling the ball, moving gracefully on the arena. Wearing the school uniform with his shirt untucked, he pushed, as if he steered clear of any person who was going to block his way but there was no one there. Dribble, grab, turn, dribble again and toss it in the air. I sat on the bleacher’s side where the best view could be captured there, trying to be unseen. And he kept his head in his solo game. For a while, he stopped dribbling and gazed at me. Thought I was going to call him by name but it stuck on my throat, my head went blackout again.

 

“Nothing. I just wanna rest my legs a bit since it’s raining outside. Just keep playing, please.” I uttered, extemporaneously. I thought I was going to ask him a question, but I was not ready yet.

 

He put his head back in the game again but in more playful manner. Dribble, grab, turn, dribble again and toss it in the air. And it went again and again. For a while, I was overwhelmed by his little caper, and somehow, I was able to memorize the routine.

 

“Err... who are you? No, I mean, what is your name?” I asked nervously because that was the question that had always keep people grew sick of me. The same questions that I always had the fear to ask. He grabbed the ball and pulled it into his arms while gazing at me, smiling. He had a very short mahogany hair and his eyes were about the same colour, surrounded with dark lashes. He folded his sleeves, so I could say that his arms were quite muscular and I guess it was due to basketball practices every day.

 

“I’m Luhan. It’s been a while not seeing you, Yoon,” he was moving, approaching me.

 

“I knew you know me quite well, but I forgot all about you. Again, I guess,” I raised my shoulders, chuckled.

 

“Yes. And this is the fourth time I introduced myself to you,” he said, continue to dazzle me with his smile.

 

“Sorry,” I said.

 

“Nah. I have already memorized the line. It doesn’t really bother me to repeat the same line every time the new you appear,” he said, double dribbling the ball while looking at me. He flipped back his tie that disrupted his hand to his nape.

 

“Thank you,” I said. He laughed.

 

It was seriously an astonishing moment. I mean, was it really the fourth? I believe that I grew and live to hate myself because of this. I was nobody important in the school, as people even did not even bother if I attended classes or not. I happened to be my math teacher’s favourite because I was a super-fast learner, or better called a whiz, but after the second trial I was turned down because I could not answer even a single, simple equation. I have the voice called ‘angelic’, which I do know that it was kind of rare, but I could not get myself into a production because I had once screwed up an interschool theatre competition. I forgot all my lines exactly a day before the competition. I hardly had a friend; all of them grew tired of me because I kept forgetting their names. 

 

I have a sickness called Anterograde Amnesia since three years ago. I live in a parallel world, travelling backwards in time since then, everytime the new me appears.

 

 

 

13th January 2011.

 

I heard knocks on the door. I had probably come to expect the sight of Luhan, sitting on the doorstep like a lost poodle every once in a while. I opened the door, it was really him, but this time he held something in his hands; a small velvet bag with a few packets of pasta.

 

“I am hungry and I am having a sort of thinking to have these for dinner,” Luhan lifted his brows and grinned. I knew he craved for Mum’s spaghetti carbonara since the last New Year’s Eve celebration. 

 

However, Mum was not at home that time, so I asked him to sit on the couch, watching television while I was unpacking a packet of pasta and boiled them in a pot. I was cutting the garlic when he nearly drove me to death, for he had appeared in front of me like a ghost, giving me a jolt. I thought that I was going to die because of a heart attack. He laughed upon my startled-white face, saying that he was dying of boredom so I pushed him to beat the eggs with the Parmesan while I did the rest of the cooking. The spaghetti turned out so well.

 

“I swear this could be one of your great achievements,” Luhan mumbled, as his mouth was still gorged with spaghetti.

 

I raised my eyebrows because I was in doubt, sending him a sort of language.

 

“Yeah, really... um, I mean how could you remember the recipe?” Luhan uttered.

 

“I don’t always forget things all the time, okay?” I furrowed my eyebrows. “The saddest thing is that I keep remembering things within 3 months, when it became worse sometimes it lasts less than a month,” I said and the atmosphere began to feel tense.

 

“Well, thanks to Mum’s recipe book.” I grinned while showing him the book; my intention was only to break the tense.

 

“I wonder if suddenly you have that sort of… what do you call it? Err… Antero-something Amnesia and then you forgot to put your pants on before going to the college,” he laughed while shoving a scoop of carbonara inside his mouth.

 

“Yah. Shut up. It wouldn’t happen, ever,” I said, giggled. “I just can’t recall the things that I recently did, or the people I meet after the accident. I won’t forget the things that are already one of my habits. Soon right after this, I won’t remember that I have cooked you the spaghetti carbonara,” I explained. However, all of the sudden I felt sick of myself and it dragged my entire mood down to the floor. I rose up from the chair and began to clear up all the mess. I know that he was joking and it was not a bad joke either. Come on, it was just a joke… I tried to calm myself, not to break down.

 

“Yoon-ssi, I know exactly what you think, but just think it in a good, positive way. At least you won’t remember all those idiots who made fun of you and all the bad memories right? And in case if you don’t want to forget today, maybe we can take a selfie after this,” he uttered with a grin and lifted his eyebrows while smiling those smiley eyes off. He approached me when I have done cleaning all of the dishes.

 

“I know. Okay then, but I don’t feel pretty to take a selfie today,” I answered, while arranging the dishes on the rack. I know he was trying to ease, but things like that did not cover up the upcoming snags or anything I felt about myself. I was trying to fake a smile, but it turned out to be the awkward one.

 

“Shut up. You are always pretty,” he said, with his dark eyes whispered to my eyes when he looked at me in the eyes. He blinked his eyes and like all of a sudden he wiped my wet hands with a dry clean cloth hanging near the sink because I was diffused into his eyes, unalarmed. He stood too close to me, that I could feel his warm breath touching my cold forehead.

 

“Actually, I have something for you. At least now you don’t have to wonder how to remember all the things about me anymore. I have written it all on the last page,” he grinned widely while handling me a diary. An indigo-covered one, with a pattern of a four-leaf clover carved on the cover.

 

“Thank you!” I shouted delightedly. All of the sadness had gone all of a sudden. I flipped open the diary and there on the last page was his complete biodata and a selfie.

 

“Happy birthday in advance!” he said, hugged me on my back tightly and leaned his face to my hair. Honestly, I did not even remember my birthday which was on the next day.

 

 

 

13th January 2012.

 

“Luhan-ssi!” I shouted. “Errr… that’s your name, right?” I asked when it felt foreign on my tongue.

 

“Not anymore,” he said sarcastically, sighed and narrowed his eyes, frowned. “I wonder if next time you even forgot your own name.”

 

“No, I will never, but my full name is an exception.  Mum tied a big name tag on the door of my room with my full name is on it, in case if I ever forgot again.”

 

“Good then. So it isn’t actually ‘if’ because you will sure forget. Okay, since today you called out my name again without me reminding you, I want to buy you your favourite chocolate bar,” he uttered. We walked on the waterfront and stopped at the stall nearby to buy the choco bars. Despite of the cold weather, we stopped to sit on the bench beside the Han river.

 

I remember that day was one of the busiest days ever, since I have the difficulties to remember the others. We went to the cinema and spent the rest of the day playing video games at the arcade centre in town. However, we stay tirelessly though it was already midnight. The streets were dark, but there were street lamps to enlighten the way. The night was cold and breezy. Kicking off the dry leaves from the asphalt, we, at that time, seemed to enjoy doing our new job. Clearing the streets from the leaves in the cold breeze of night, we giggled along our way back and then we stopped on the waterfront again to take a few self-pictures.  We even played video games when we reached home and ignored the healthy six hours sleep. 

 

“Luhan-ssi…” I pouted.

 

“Hmmm?” he asked.

 

“Nothing. I just love your name. Ah! How about another one name tag with your name on it? I don’t have to open up my diary every time I forgot your name though.”

 

“Well. It’s up to you.”

 

So, that was the start when I made another name tag for him. At that night, he slept over in our house again. There was already a space for him in my room, for he usually stopped by our house and sleep. But he'd never touched me. He was already like one of the family.

 

 

 

13th January 2013.

 

It was the night when I suddenly lost my way home after I bought a bottle of coke at one of the 7 eleven outlets in town. So, I sat on one of the bench beside the river bank, near the road.

 

I thought of searching on Mum’s number when my phone was seized by a man. I thought he was a snatch thief so I chased him when finally I ran into a dark street where the rest of the group had gathered. There was hardly a way out. I was surrounded. I shouted for help loudly when they began to move closer but one of the men pushed me hard on the wall that made everything went blur after that. However I felt that someone had dragged me out of the darkness right before anything happened and brought me back home. I woke up to find myself lying on my bed a while later.

 

“Do you ever know that it’s really dangerous to walk outside alone in the middle of the night? Do you ever aware about that?” he scolded me as soon as I opened my eyes. He looked at me with his fiery eyes but he looked completely tired. His left cheekbone was swollen blue and there was a crusted blood at the edge of his lower lip. Mum slouched silently at the door, crossing her arms across her chest. I was going to say a word but I merely gaped open my mouth, it stuck on my throat again.

 

“You don’t even remember my name, do you? Ah, I forgot, you are even such a stupid person that could even forget her name!” he uttered, nearly shouted.

 

My anger was raging up to my cheeks. I know I had such defect that made me hardly do things on my own, but is it my fault to be a little bit independent? I was going to speak back but I did not remember his name. However, I remembered to gaze up to the door, for the name tags.

 

“I know, Luhan. I am big enough now and I know how to take care of myself,” I said.

 

“Do you even remember that it has been the second time you had gone out of the house in the middle of the night by yourself and got caught by a bunch of gangsters? And please stop talking about how to take care of yourself when you really don’t know how,” he uttered, again.

 

“Stop talking to me like that! I’m already sick to be trapped in a twenty-year-old girl body, pampered like a spoiled brat and forget like an idiot, asking for names... did you ever think of my own feeling or even care about it? I’m sick and tired of this and do you ever know how hard it is? I didn’t even ask for it!” I shouted, when the tears suddenly rolled down my cheeks.

 

Luhan froze. “Yoon...”

 

“NO. If you think that it is so bothering why don’t you get out of my life? Get out and don’t ever talk to me again!” I shouted again and rose from the bed. They refused to leave but I pushed them out of the room and slammed the door. I sat on the bed while my eyes come to behold the name tags that were still hanging on the door. I hate to see it so I seized the name tag off the door and threw it in a box beside the bed. I curled on the bed, pulled the comforter up to my chest and tried to shut my wet eyes down.

 

It was already midnight and I could not sleep. I roamed around the room and crawled on the chair near the huge window, covering my body with the thick furry comforter. Beholding the full moon that had shone brightly that night, I began to wonder where all the brightness goes whenever a new moon appears. I left the window and decide to go out of the room. I was not thinking of an escape, not even leaving the house, but at the right moment I slightly opened the door, I saw him sitting on the couch at the living room. He had not gone to sleep, crossed his arms across his chest and sat statically on the couch. He seemed like he was thinking, he might have been absorbed into a deep thinking session. I closed the door and leaned on it, crying, but then I crawled onto the bed and fell asleep.

 

I really did not want to see him again. I want to be alone, stop bothering people in my life. Even after the next phase of my life when I fail to remember again.

 

 

13th January 2014.

 

“Heo Gayoon! Next time if you caught sleeping again, you’ll going straight out of the class!”

 

I startled once she declared my name. I was both ashamed and guilty, but it was not my fault that I could not sleep on the night before. I got a lot of distractions lately. I glanced around to see if anyone had noticed that I had slept. Most of the class seems oblivious, except for the guy who sat at the end corner of the class.

 

He was completely a weirdo. Whenever I glanced at him, he always seemed to be staring at me in a completely unabashed way, as if it was normal to gawk at me. I didn’t remember for how many days he had staring at me that way. When the class was finally over, I got to my locker to switch some books for the upcoming classes. At that time I could feel that someone was following me so I glanced over my shoulder and saw him behind me. He was looking at his phone while walking on the corridor, but as soon as I looked at him, he lifted up his head and gazed at me as he could sense that I have been keeping an eye on him too. I know he would never stop looking at me.

 

“Hey!” I said to him, slamming my locker shut. “Why are you staring at me?”

 

“Because you’re standing in front of me,” he uttered with a smile, looking at me with his fine dark brown innocent eyes framed with dark lashes. And that was the first time I ever heard his voice, I think so. He looked, as if it was right to look at me all the time. I was speechless at first. He stood right in front of me as he approached, getting closer to me.

 

“You were always looking at me,” I groaned.

 

“Oh. Does it bother you?” he asked.

 

“Yes. And please answer my question,” I gazed up to his face. Milk-skinned and wide-shouldered, his height would choke me as I stood at the corner of the lockers. However, I stood up straighter, trying to make my presence bolder so he would not realize how much he was rattling me.

 

“I look at you because I can’t look away,” he said, resting his palm on the locker, standing exactly a breath away from me.

 

I was strucked, completely mute, trying to think of some clever response but my mind refused. I could feel my heart thumping heavily in my chest. My eyes were trembling. My knee had gone weak but I hurried to collect myself. However, I could just blinked my eyes instead of giving him a quick response. 

 

“Alright, I’ll stop if it’s bothering you. But I have scribbled on your diary, if you mind,” he mumbled. My hands had gone clenched once I heard it.

 

“How could you?” I roared. He began to move his body away from me, a little. He had stopped laughing and stared at me again, but at that time, it was more intense that it made me froze.

 

“If you could remember me,” he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into him. He closed his eyes, pressing his lips against mine. Letting him to rove his tongue into my mouth, I closed my eyes too. His kiss was soft, his soft lips keep lingered on my lips, when suddenly it was like something inside of me . I hugged him even close, grabbed his nape and kissed him even deeply, it was quite a while when I pulled it out. I knew, it's not right.

 

I looked into his deep eyes. Something almost dragged my soul out of my weak body at the time I recognize that familiar gaze. I quest myself of who he is but once I asked myself, my head was aching all of a sudden, like it was knocked by a hammer.

 

“… or should I ask you back your own question? How could you? How could you forget me?” Luhan uttered, releasing his grasp on my shoulders.

 

“It seems that you have turned into the new Yoon again. Well, goodbye. Glad to meet you,” he stormed off with disappointment.

 

I could not stand it anymore. It was aching, like a thousand of spikes nailed on my head. I cried my lungs out, wrapping my head with my palms, in order to get rid of the pain. My body had weaken as I fell, sitting on the ground. I screamed, and gradually the pain faded away. I opened my eyes as it was getting better but then I found myself sitting alone on the corridor. There was nobody there. He was... gone.

 

* * *

 

A black dress was on the bed. I was scrutinizing the plain fabric of the dress, sitting beside of it on the soft bed sheets. I did not even know why I was asked to wear it.

 

“Yoonie! Are you ready? We are going to leave the house now!”

 

“Alright Mum! Just give me a sec.”

 

I grabbed the dress and let my body slip beneath the cloth.

 

Through the car window I saw the dark clouds swirling, getting closer to our car like it was chasing us. Tiny water particles glued on the glass kept running on it as it was blown by the strong wind. I felt something uneasy creeping into my veins, into my heart, but it left me puzzled. I gazed up to look at Mum’s face. She averted my eyes, embraced me into her arms and rubbed on my shoulder softly while she tilted her head touching mine.  

 

Then out of the car I saw people all dressed in black. At that time I knew, I was attending a funeral.

 

“Mum, who has passed away?” I asked but she just ignored me by grabbing a glass of water on the table and stepped away. I saw her rubbing the back of her hands on her eyes. I turned the opposite way where a coffin stood just steps away from me. Curious, I moved closer. But then someone grabbed my hands and jolted me away from the coffin.

 

“Yoon-ssi, let’s talk,” a lady uttered, with a smile on her wrinkled face. She was Mum’s best friend. She dragged me to the stairs where at the end we met a door which was an opening of a room. She asked me to sit on the bed. She gazed at me, smiling awkwardly. She looked like endeavouring to say something but it just stuck on .

 

“Aunty, may I know who is inside the coffin?”

 

She looked at me. Her glinting eyes disturbed me as it was like a breath away from me. She gaped slightly but not even a single word could bear out of her lips. She held her breath.

 

“He is my son,” she said right at the time a diamond tear dropped from her eye.

 

“Oh. I’m sorry,” I said. She buried her face on the pillow and cried loudly. I patted on her shoulders, I was going to give her a hug but she hugged the pillow so tightly to her face. She cried continuously, so I thought that I better leave her alone in the room. Closing the door behind me, I stepped down the stairs and slowly walked towards the coffin. A man was lying peacefully inside. Neatly dressed in a tuxedo, the man looks like he was about the same age as mine.

 

“Stay away!” Mum stood out of the crowd and shouted at me. I looked back, puzzled. She looked even puzzled after looking at my face. Everybody was looking at me as if they were surprised to see my face.

 

I was getting clueless.

 

* * *

 

I closed the window because the room was getting cold that it nearly froze me.  I ran back to rest my back on the bed and stared on the moving blades of the fan above me. It was getting bored so I reached my phone just at the edge of the bed and played on a song. So Cold by Ben .

 

I felt empty. It had been a while. Sometimes I just could not breathe. The melody of the song crept into my ears and touched my heart, stimulating my hand to grab a pen on the desk. I felt that I want to write something, all of the sudden. Unrehearsed, I stretched my hands under the bed, reaching for a box which I used to place all of my writings. But it is not there. I thought that I was wrong so I poked my head into the skirting. 

 

I just have forgotten that it have been missing for a while. Mum did also say that she had no idea where the box could be. I give up searching for it so I lie down on the bed staring on the ceiling again. The feeling was getting plain and I just could not sleep. So I thought, hugging a stuffed toy would calm and drive me to sleep. So I grabbed a plushie on the shelf. A small key fell off.

 

Looking at it on the floor, I wondered of which lock it could belongs to. I seek and then my eyes caught a lock hanging on the lowest drawer of the cabinet. So, I took the key and tried to open it up. Perfect match, it was like a treasure hunt.

 

So, I opened the drawer and found a diary with an indigo cover inside it. I probably had locked it in the past phase of my life. I turned the pages. I was shocked to find out that some of the pages filled with handwritings which were not mine. Jokes, X and Os, riddles and doodles filled up the diary instead of my own journal. There was one long paragraph written at the half end of the diary, which stood out to be the most glaring to my eyes.

 

“This will be the last time that I will be writing on your diary, since you don’t want to see me again. Take care, I want you to take this diary wherever you go and write anything important to your life so you won’t be lost anymore, or in case if you forget again. Yeah, it is sure that you will forget, so please write, okay? I won’t be around anytime soon, the tumor is all around my body now so it must be a miracle if I could survive.

 

P/S: If you want all the selfies that we had taken together, you can get it from my mum. The last thing that I really wanted to do is seeing those selfies so I decided to keep it first. Sorry.

 

Farewell. No. I love you. Promise me that you will never forget me. We’ll meet again soon.

February 2013.”

 

I had done reading the whole paragraph but I still did not remember to whom those handwritings belonged to.