I had just woken up, when I heard the door opening. I didn't even open my eyes though, I knew perfectly who it was.
Kris. He was the only person in the world who had the keys to my house - besides me of course.

"Lin? Jagi?"

When I heard Kris' voice, I smiled a little.
He walked to the bedroom and sat right next to me. I opened my eyes and saw him smiling at me.

"Morning.", he said and reached closer to me to kiss my forehead.

I smiled and mumbled something vague. I tried to cover my eyes, because I was afraid they'd still be red from crying last night.
It had been an awful night for me, but I didn't want Kris to know it. I had slipped back to my old habits, which included a lot of cutting and crying.
I was ashamed, but even more than that, I was sad. It had felt so miserable. So worthless. It still did.

While Kris sat next to me, I suddenly realized I was wearing a shirt that showed my wrists. Both of my hands were still under the blanket and Kris hadn't seen anything, but it still made my stomach feel weird. It felt like I had swallowed a huge stone.

"Do you want me to prepare breakfast for you?", Kris asked and stood up. I nodded.

Now I could get up and put a shirt with long sleeves on, right?

He kissed my forehead one more time and walked away. I stood up right away when he was out of my sight and grabbed my hoodie.

I had been with Kris for an year, but I had been battling with depression and self-harming since I was thirteen. I never wanted to tell about my problems to Kris, since I was afraid it would only make him even more stressed than he already was about his job. So far I had succeeded to keep my secret to myself only.

Just when I managed to put my hoodie on, Kris walked back to me. His face was so serious, that seeing it made me think about the worst right away.
Kris was holding something, but I couldn't see what since his hand was clenched.

"Lin...", Kris said quietly and sat on my bed. His voice was somehow rough and he looked like he was holding a cry in.
Kris opened his fist and all four of my blades fell on the bed.

I felt like my heart stopped.
The stone in my stomach turned a hundred times bigger and I felt like I was gonna faint.
This was the one thing I never wanted to happen.
Tears started to gather up in my eyes.

"What are these?", Kris asked. He wasn't looking at me, he was just staring at the blades with a blank face.

I was just gonna open my mouth, even though I didn't have a clue what I was gonna say, when Kris stood up and walked to me.
I got a bit scared because he suddenly started looking very angry.

Kris grabbed my left hand somehow agressively and pulled the sleeve up. I couldn't do anything but just stand there, tears rolling down my face.
Kris' face expression after seeing my wrist was the most horrible thing I had ever seen.
He looked disappointed, shocked, angry and sad at the same time.

I gave a quick look to my wrist too.
Tens and tens of cuts.
Many of them were very fresh after last night.

When I lifted my look, I saw tears on Kris' cheeks.
"Why, jagi? Why?", he whispered and pulled me to hug him. When I leaned to him, I heard his heart beating faster than it is supposed to.

I didn't answer anything, I just cried against Kris' chest.
I didn't want him to be in pain or to worry about me, but I simply couldn't hold the tears inside anymore.

After a couple of long minutes Kris pushed me away.
Not far away, but now there was just enough distance so he could talk to me while watching me straight into the eyes.
His eyes were all red, and I really hated seeing him so miserable.

"Lin. Jagi. You're perfect. Do you understand me? Perfect. Don't ever... Just please don't...", he couldn't finish his sentence, instead he ended up pulling me back against him.
"I'm so angry at myself, Lin. I'm so angry for letting all this happen and not notice at all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, jagi.", Kris said.
He moved his right hand from my back to his face and wiped a tear off his face.

I shaked my head.
"No, don't. I am the one who has to be sorry here. For not being brave enough. For not being strong enough. For being such a coward. Such a loser.", I started crying again.
Kris my hair and told me not to worry.
With his big arms around be and his warm chest against mine I started to feel like I was safe for the first time in years.

"But why did you keep all this to yourself? I could've help you...", he said. Good question.
"I didn't want you to worry about me. I was afraid that you'd get all stressed and in the end leave me alone.", I said and tried to stop the tears flowing.
Kris hugged me more tightly and whispered to my ear.
"I will never leave you."