The sun shines, showing off its blinding light, which is supposed to radiating heat to the living things, giving them the power of life, decorates the beautiful morning that people always imagine.  But it doesn’t work on me, not at all. I feel cold inside, numb. I lose half of my reason to live, I feel empty. And every morning won’t be as beautiful as I’ve ever known, never.

I carry my duffle bag, heading towards the train, but my footsteps aren’t pay any attention to my direction. I almost hit the trashcan by the door, if, he didn’t hold my hand to stop me.

“You zoned out again, didn’t you?”

His boyish smile brims his face which always manage to make me feel guilty. My weak smile replied him, don’t know whether it’s for making him feel better or for my selfish reason, eases myself out from the guilt.

Our hands keep intertwined until we reach our seat. I take the window side since I never had a chance to sit there all these years. Yeah, not a chance. A certain person didn’t let me whenever we travel together, no matter what means of transportation we used. That person always choose near-to-window seat. Part of it was my fault, because I only have that person as my…. companion. Had.

The glass makes a clear passage for the sunshine to hit my face, and I don’t mind at all. Not like the other passengers who bothers to hide behind the curtain, I let myself fully exposed to the sun, with a hope that it will bring back sense of warm inside me.

But, none. I still feel cold and numb. Like a living dead. Except, I don’t have any scary scars or wounds plaster on me.

The train machines begin to shout out loud, giving orders to the steel wheels to move forward, leaving the old train station behind.

A wave of people waiting soon replaced by a wide green field. Spread across where my eyes are able to see. The fog still covers the higher land, like this mixing feelings of guilt, sadness, and hatred that torturing my soul, covering the core of my heart away from a new hope of finding a new place of love and peace.

I’m about taking my earphones out of my duffle bag when I realize that his hand is still on top of mine. Am I feeling that ‘dead’? Do I already lose all my sense of living? Why I couldn’t feel the warmth and comfort that supposed to be there, when people that you claim you loved, hold your hand, with sincerity that they try to let you know?

I guess I am that ‘dead’, I guess I do lose my sense of living. Cause I continue to take my earphones out and plug them into my ears. Ignoring another shockwave of guilt which is piling up in my heart that block the way of returning to who I was, how I was.

I see he’s looking at me from the corner of my eyes, and he just blinks and turns to face the back of the front seat. I think he starts to understand my words that I said when he confessed to me.

He could have my body,

But not my mind, not my heart, not my soul.

And he accepted that terms.

The terms that I made based on what I feel. Based on the harshness of this world that I’m living. Based on the half reason that keeping me alive, my family. The family that I love, which claim to love me back and I highly doubt that statement.

The first shuffled song plays in my ears is a ballad. Nah, all of them are ballads. It helps me to keep this what I call as depression keeps growing in me. I can let myself free. I really can. But I won’t.

The freedom that I’ll get once I free myself from this ‘wants-to-be-a-normal’ label won’t feel the same as before. Because I already lose that reason. Another reason to keep me alive. If I could be free, I will only be a bird that already lost one of its wings. It couldn’t fly. It’s disabled. No matter how it tries to fix itself, that wing won’t grow again. It doesn’t have a second chance to spread it wings widely, and fly across the ocean to find its freedom. Its own life. Its dream.

My dream. My life. My freedom.

I have none.

I already trashed them away. And I have no chance to grab them back. I cut my own wing.

A melody that always has a special place in my memories is playing. I frown. I remember that I deleted it long ago. To be exact, 2 years ago.

The melody that will be sung along the trip by us, the melody that would be the first song in our playlist, the melody that contains so many memories, the melody that broke the walls into my heart, makes it beats once again.

I can hear a crack in my icy heart, threatening to be broken. Wave of feelings inside me are flowing out, but still held by the ice walls. My thumb is on the next button, ready to switch the song. But it froze. All my energy are up to my heart, connecting it with my brain. Release the leash that held my emotions, unlocks the key that locked up the forbidden part of my memories.

“I think I like you more than friend” her voice came so low, but still audible.

“Wh-what?” I did hear her clearly, but it was my heart needed a confirmation.

“Forget it. I wasn’t on my right mind” She hid her face behind the music sheets.

I grabbed and pulled the sheets down, though the Princeton orange light flashed on us from the huge library window, I noticed apricot tints blushed on her cheeks.

“I heard you” Our eyes met. First I saw fear, then changed into nervousness.

“And I think I feel the same way” Only happiness and relief were seen in her eyes after. And mine.

If it wasn’t because of Tiffany, you wouldn’t confess to me. If you didn’t say your confession, I wouldn’t be this miserable. What happened back then was a mistake. A beautiful mistake.

“You don’t like beans?”

“Nah”

“I do. Then I’ll eat the beans, you’ll eat the ice. And we could save the money by only buying a patbingsoo”

“Sounds great. We do have this kind of chemistry, heh? You like what I don’t like”

I did like beans. Thanks to you, I stop eating them now. They only bring the memory back of you being a hater of beans, and me being a beans lover. And that chemistry thing that you said which is proven to be meaningless. Being together needs chemistry, love, trust that you once sai