Story: Blind Heirs
Author: bts_kimtaehyung
Status: Ongoing- 1 Chapter
Characters: Kim Yoo Jung (You) - Byun Baekhyun - Kim Woobin
Rated?: No
Summary: 
She's blind and he's a cold hearted man.
What would happen if fate willed them to cross each other's path?

 

Title:

It was a prepossessing title and very much intriguing. When I first saw the title, I had some query but most of them sounded peculiar to be honest. I was like, “Is this story about few heirs being blind?” and “Is this a story that will focus on the group of blind yet rich persons?” Also, I had my conjecture that it wasn’t going to hub on the physical blindness but more on the emotional blindness. Whether or not the questions I asked are odd, the point is, this is a good thing. As I’ve mention, titles should raise questions in order to achieve attention. There are more gauche titles you could have used and I’m proud you didn’t and you should be too.  I almost got it right though, just from the foreword, I can see the importance of the title.

 

Foreword:

Focusing on the downbeat side of your foreword, there were apparent grammatical mistakes. You should probably go back to re-check your foreword to see what your errors are, if you can’t spot them, look for someone who can.  

It was a very organized foreword so claps for that, I enjoy organized forewords because it makes everything more inviting. The forewords are like the exterior of the house, depending on how it appears, more people will want to go and take the chance to look inside.  A messy exterior is not exactly alluring is it? So I’m glad you managed to place everything in order.

The sentence “Where you could smile and have good times with him?” was repeated twice and I don’t see any grounds why it should. There wasn’t any momentous insinuation in that sentence so you truly didn’t need to repeat it.

 

Plot:

I don’t fancy focusing much on this because you only have a foreword and one chapter up so there isn’t much revealing plots yet. I hope in the upcoming chapters, there would be. In the first posted chapter, my major question is “Why does her step-dad does forbids her to go and make friends?” I was dubious about that conversation but I’ll know the reason in the future. I’ll keep reading <3

After reading the first chapter, my question in the title was answered, partly but not completely. Because along with her being indeed physically blind, there’s still a lot of unraveled plot that has yet to confirm my theories (lmao).

 

Character Development:

Same with my reasoning in the plot, there’s only one chapter up so I can’t evaluate the character’s personalities yet. Jung-a seemed like she needs all the help she could get as it was implied and shown that she’s somehow a frail person. I’d love to see how she would develop in the future.

The character of the dad successfully pissed me off to be honest because damn, I could rant the whole day about him not wanting Jung-a to make friends with anyone. He allowed her to feel freedom but reminded her that her freedom will always be under control which is frustrating. How he would change for the better or the worse, I’ll know throughout your story.

I’m excited for Baek’s appearance and his role in this story. I’ll see him soon! <3

 

Grammar:

Still, there were a lot of grammatical faults in the first chapter. I’m a grammar nazi so you don’t get offended. For minor mistakes, there were forgotten punctuations (mostly periods at the end of sentences) and overlooked capitalizations. Specific/Proper names, wherever they’re placed are supposed to be capitalized. Same thing goes with the first words of every sentence.

 

Major mistake would be clashing of tenses. Here’s an example from your story:

-You went straight to your stepfather’s room and knocks the door.
Went is past tense of go while knocks is 3^rd person present.
If you started writing in the past tense, continue writing in that same tense all throughout your story. Inconsistencies are inevitable but if you double check your story every now and then, you’ll most likely spot them all.

 

Originality:

There’s a worry in my head that it might flow same with The Heirs (I watched it and omg I love it! Ehem back to my review--) and it might not be a new story anymore. I like stories that are based off dramas, movies or mangas or whatever others but sometimes, it was too similar that it didn’t retain the mystery and there’s no more thrill. I implore that yours, even though it was based The Heirs and Angel Eyes, it would still not be predictable.

Predictable could be good but mostly, it is not. Knowing what would happen next might bore the readers because, simple, they know what’s going to happen.

Though, I saw on the foreword that you said you’re going to write a different story so I look forward to that! :DD

There weren’t many stories out here in aff that focuses on blindness so this, is pretty much original considering that factor!

 

Personal Enjoyment:

Just with the first chapter, I can say that it’s going to be great! I’ll definitely be an avid reader of your story because I like a story that focuses on people with physical disabilities because it’s more challenging to understand them. Goodluck to your writing and your story! Update soon xD Anyways, this ends my review and I hope I help you out! ^^ If you have questions, don’t be shy to approach me :3

I have no life as a reviewer so I checked all the links you placed on your foreword and you may have linked some wrongly so you might wanna check that out. This is not important but yeah, just letting you know.

Thank you for being patient and please credit me and the shop <3