Story: Delinquents
Author: theEXO
Status: Ongoing- 9 Chapters
Characters: Song Hyorin (OC) - Oh Sehun - Lu Han - EXO
Rated?: PG-13
Summary: 
Fired. One thing 17 year old Song Hyorin cannot hear, not at all. 
Why? Because her job is the only thing that is keeping her and her 5 year old brother from being seperated from each other.
But what happens when Hyorin does get fired?
And what happens when she is offered a job offer at a school full of delinquents?! 

 

Title:

New in my ears, that’s what I’m going to say. Of course, I’ve heard the word ‘delinquents’ hundreds of times but it’s rarely used as titles which is a good thing. I am very glad that you didn’t use ‘Gangsters’ or ‘Bad Boys’ or whatever other anomalous and cliché titles available out there so thumbs up for you! As I’ve said in my past reviews, I really like one word titles because it makes me ask questions.

 

Foreword:

I’m not going to blabber; there were a bunch of grammar faults. The second sentence in the foreword already contained a flaw. The foreword is your story magnet along with your title. Foreword offers and gives the glimpse and opens the questions in your mind. If it is not good, some readers might not give your story a chance. In my opinion, wrong grammar in the foreword is a big no-no. Why? Because it puts the story off.

If English is not your first language, you can ask/look for a beta-reader that will correct your grammar for you. Beta-readers will not change your story; they’ll just help you make it sound better by correcting wrong grammars.  (But I see you’ve put up a chapter looking for one, cheers to that!)

Also, you emphasized not so important information. For example, you italicized the word ‘but’ which is not really necessary. You could’ve italicized ‘what happens whenHyorin does get fired?’ then it would’ve been significant emphasis.

You misused the word ‘undercover’. Another thing, ‘can  not’ and ‘cannot’ are used differently albeit both acceptable. Can  not is used when placing emphasis or saying can not only while cannot is more commonly used to say that someone is not able to do something. Point is, it is acceptable but it does sound awkward to read and awkward is not satisfactory.

Character photos were too large for my taste but that’s just a personal opinion. The character descriptions gave a little too much info. In Sehun’s case for example, you can just put –known as Ice Prince; leader of EXO-K. That would’ve been enough and it could’ve sounded more intriguing. The character descriptions are intended to give a sneak peek of how the character will be/ how will they act throughout the story and not tell their whole background as that should be recognized by the way you characterize them within your written chapters.

 

Plot:

The plot was quite believable. It is indeed hard to support a five year old brother when someone’s only 17 in age especially that when she/he lives in a place where teenagers have a bad stereotype. I can see where the story is going to head with just the foreword.

There was enough plot twist alright, I was expecting Hyorin to be just a tutor in the school but I was really taken aback when she was offered a teaching job. That was one heck of a twist. It’s quite possible to pretend though mainly because all Koreans, looks younger for their actual ages. (A lot of 30 year old Koreans can pass as 20 year olds to be honest. So I’m sure a 17 year old can pretend that she’s 21 or older.)

Another twist I didn’t see coming was LuHan’s fondness of Hyorin.

The plot development didn’t drag on too much and it also didn’t go too fast. It stayed on a good flow which is nice. The chapters don’t have to be long, as long as it’s relevant and as far as I see, that’s what you’re doing. You’ve had some filler chapters but they were still relevant for the story to unfold flawlessly.

 

Character Development:

I see that in the first chapters, Hyorin was a diminutively irresponsible although she should be accountable; a good proof of this is her always sleeping in. No matter how much someone loves to sleep or whatever reason is behind it, if her and her brother staying together depends on it, wouldn’t she try to at least be a bit more conscientious and wake up early? But since she lost her old job at the café, she woke up earlier for her new work so I guess that’s a good progress.

I don’t know if it was because EXO is really REALLY attractive (I know they are) but Hyorin shouldn’t take time to pause and admire them especially when they’re wrecking the entire classroom and is having a food brawl. But I guess you need to build up physical attraction for the upcoming romance so it’s logical and suitable (but I do suggest you take time to find the appropriate scenes to do this.)

I really adore Sungjong! Because he’s so cute and five year olds is my weakness. It felt so real because Sungjong like to imitate which is what five year olds do. I just, I love him! I hope you make more scenes with him in it because he’s totally one of the reasons why I want to continue reading your story.

It has been implied number of times throughout the fic that EXO, LuHan’s and Sehun’s actions have a reason behind it. I look forward into knowing why. And LuHan seemed pretty nice (compared to Sehun lol).

 

Grammar:

I’m sorry to say this but there’s so much incorrect grammar, clashing of verb tenses, forgotten punctuation marks and typographical errors.  I will not point every single one out (I’m sure you can spot them if you take time to re-read your story.) but I will show you some and I do hope your beta-reader (whoever he/she is) will correct everything. I will provide short explanations for each that I will point out so you’ll be able to understand a thing or two about grammar because I deem you can learn it very well even if it is not your first language (it is not mine too).

 

-One thing could not afford to loose nowadays was her job as she only had one left.
Loose and lose are often confused words; they may have almost the same spelling but their meanings is notably dissimilar. Loose means free form constraint, not tight or not firmly fixed while lose means to not be able to keep, to no longer have or fail. There’s one more thing wrong here and that is the use of ‘was’; was is a past tense but reading as she STILL HAS the job, I suggest you use ‘is’ instead of was.

-It was quiet immature and it won’t happen again Song seonsaeng-nim.
Another easily confused words are quite and quiet. I’m sure this is just a typographical error but if not, you can find explanations online or you can ask me.

 

-Hyorin rushed to her little brother’s bedroom calling you his name.
The you there kind of confused me.  Is it really necessary in the sentence?

 

-She coughed lightly making her Uncle slap her hard …
You don’t need to capitalize the U in uncle since titles of people are only capitalized when they are followed by someone’s specific name. You can capitalize the first letter of uncle when the word is inside a quotation that is pertaining to a specific person.  (Same thing goes for ‘Grandmother’.)

 

-He just smirked and shoo’d her out of his voice.
It should be ‘shooed’.  Andd ‘He just smirked and shoo’d her out of his voice.’ Is a sentence that doesn’t make sense. Maybe you wanted to say: ‘He just smirked and shooed her out of his office.’ ?

 

-A boy called out making everyone snap their attention towards you.
Towards you or towards Hyorin? Got me confused here.

 

-They also apologized for others behavior.
You should place an apostrophe on others – others’ – since the behavior belongs to them. This falls in the possession rule of apostrophe.

 

Originality:

I’ve read a lot EXO stories with EXO as delinquents and problem students so it didn’t came off as very original. There are a lot of stories which has the main character as an orphan too but what I’d applaud you is the reality that comes along with your story. Reality that teenagers are stereotyped as irresponsible people; I know because I’m a teenager myself and I’ve heard those ‘irresponsible’, ’rebellious’ and other bad comments quite a lot.

There were a lot other realistic reasoning in your story and I enjoy them to bits!

 

Personal Enjoyment:

The last conversation in the first chapter cracked me up real good! High five! Omg I really can’t stop laughing at Sungjong imitating ‘bad boys’ and Hyorin saying ‘no more Lee MinHo for you’. You’re a genius.

You have no idea how much I enjoyed imagining Lee Jinki as her uncle! It just… shoots in the pot. HAHAHA. I love Onew and his character here so much I literally wanted to marry his character. XD

And Hyorin mistaking Kai’s name as Koi GOD HELP ME MY LAUGHTER REACHED THE OTHER PART OF THE WORLD.

I wonder why LuHan’s always so nice around Hyorin (I have my theories but I’ll keep it to myself as I will find the answer soon! Update soon because I too am excited to where the story will go :3)

If you have questions or anything, feel free to approach me and pm me! I’ll be glad to help you. Also, if ever you think I was too harsh (with pointing out your wrongs) then I want you to understand that I just want to help out and as I’ve said, I aim for improvement.

 

Notes:

In few chapters, there were ‘Narrator’s POV’ written on top and I can’t see their importance so you can just remove them. Unless, you’re going to change the point of view soon.

The review is quite long (and took quite long too), I’m sorry for that but I guess it’s acceptable since I review 9 chapters :D

I hope my review helped you! Thank you for requesting. Please credit the shop as soon as possible! :3