"What's wrong with you?" I ask Heechul while taking his hand in mine.

 

His eyes locked into mine for a few seconds before he drives them away. Not only his eyes, slowly his hand is drifting away from me too. I heard his sighs. A heavy one, unlike any other days where he would just lay his head on my shoulder and play with my fingers even in he is in trouble.

 

"Heechul…" I shifted my sitting position as I get up and sit on the floor, opposite him.

"I'm tired. I want to sleep…" he says as he gets up.

 

It's not only today. It's been three days and so many times. He is my boyfriend for only three months. Yes, it is short, anything could have happen during that time. But in three months, no argument, no wrongdoing, not even a slight hint of disagreement occur. What happen to him? Ever since he got back from his show in Daegu he is completely a different person.

 

"Did I make mistake? And you cannot take them?" I ask him, my voice is low but I know he heard them.

 

He just walks passes me by and it hits me harder than anything in this world. I let him, I don’t know why. But I follow him a minute after.

 

I can see that he is already in bed, snuggle under the blanket. His back is facing me. All those good memories comes back to life. I cant help myself but to get closer to him, hugging him from back, tightly.

 

"You can tell me anything…even if you don’t love me anymore…tell me."

 

I don’t even know why did I say that. I don’t want to know that. Don’t tell me that you don’t love me anymore…please don’t. This relationship…it means a lot for me.

 

When I met you three months ago, it was on a rainy day. He forgot his umbrella as he wait for the rain to stop. Without knowing who he is, I walk passes him by. But my heart begs me to just turn around and ask him if he would like to share the umbrella I'm holding. He smiles. My heart skips a beat. We clicked.

 

Slowly I wipes my tears.

 

"I was lying…don’t tell me that…" I whisper to myself as I close my eyes, hoping he will feels better tomorrow.

 

As I wake up, I found an empty space next to mine. He is already gone. I know he might be tired of something. Maybe it is me. Suddenly a figure appear before me. I look at him. He looks away.

 

"Heechul-ah…" I call out for him.

 

He walks towards the door. I get up fast and block him.

 

He avoided any eye contact with me.

 

"What is wrong with us?" I ask him.

"I want you to pack all your belonging and get out from my house…" he says slowly without even looking at me.

 

Can you imagine that feeling? Feeling that you need to be secure when you're with him but he just threw you aside. I feel like a trash.

 

"Look at me…"I beg him in my shaky voice.

 

He is not Heechul. He is not my boyfriend that I know. Something is bothering him. Something so deep that he doesn’t want to talk about. If there's one thing that he and I have in common is that we are both stubborn. As he tries to moves I didn’t even budge.

 

"Tell me what's wrong with us then I let you go…"

"I just don’t love you that much…not anymore…" he says, now looking straight into my eyes.

"What happen when you are in Daegu?" I ask him, being more stubborn.

 

He looks away once again. He starts to kneels and cries.

 

"Heechul…what's wrong?" I ask him, hugging him tightly.

 

I was afraid that I could lose him, lose our relationship and our happiness.

 

"I cant let you be with me. I can't let you…I can’t…" he starts to mumbles.

"What are you talking about?" I ask as I cup his face in my hand.

 

His eyes are teary. Without knowing the reason I feel that I am crying too. He looks at me now with his burning red eyes, no he is not mad…but his eyes are burning for some reason.

 

"Heechul…" I keep on repeating his name on my lips, mumbling it.

 

He takes a deep breath as he stands up, letting himself free from my hand, from my presence. He looks at me after he wipes his tears.

 

"This is how an idol life is…I don’t want to waste my time with you anymore. Not until you are stuck with me. I want my free life back. I found out that it doesn’t worth my time to keep you here with me…when I can go out there and get any girl…prettier than you to accompany me…I don’t want any commitment..."he tells me as he looks at me, seriously.

 

My breath just stops.

 

"Then today will be the last day that you ever see me. I swear…" I say as I pass him by, going towards our bedroom as I gather all my things and get out without even looking back at him.

 

I walk out from the apartment in my pajama, I couldn’t care less about people staring at me weirdly. A girl who had just wakes up from her nightmare, force to leave with a big luggage on her right hand and her left hand just freely wiping away those painful tears.

 

I move back to my old apartment. I got everything I need on my bag. I don’t know why but after a month in my old apartment I started to think back on Heechul. Is he alright when I'm not with him? Is he doing fine? My heart keeps on begging me to find an excuse to go to his apartment. Slowly, my feet give in to my begging heart and unknowingly I am now standing in front of his apartment door.

 

To my surprise, the door is slightly open. I still have the key to the apartment but since it is open a bit I wont have any problem coming in anyway. I walk into the house slowly, step by step. Everything is still the same as the day I left. I look around. Our picture is still hanging on the wall. Then why?

 

Suddenly my eyes caught something on the floor. A figure is lying there, motionless.

 

"Heechul!!!" I cried out as I run towards the figure that happens to be Heechul.

 

I was panicking as I didn’t know what to do. I place his head on my lap as my tears fall down like rain. I was shaking and trembling. I cup his face, still crying as my right hand reach for my mobile phone and I starts dialing for ambulance.

 

At the hospital, the other members gather around me, seems surprise on what happen.

 

"You break up with him?" asks Siwon.

"How did you found out about him?" asks Shindong.

 

I just stare at them with my tears rolling. I don’t know how but my tears have been rolling out ever since I found Heechul that evening. Obviously they already know about his condition. And I am just a victim of this cruel situation…just like him.

 

Finally Leeteuk couldn’t stay silent anymore.

 

"He have a tumor at his lung…" he says, raising an awkward silence among us.

 

I look at Leeteuk.

 

"What?" is all  that I manage to say.

 

"Hyung…" says all the members slowly.

 

Leeteuk break down as he kneels down on the floor. His sobs can clearly be heard and it is my first time seeing him like that. Obviously he tries to keep this away from everyone.

 

"Heechul…he won't…he didn’t…he didn’t break up with me because of that…right?" I ask Leeteuk, kneeling in front of him.

 

He looks at me in the eyes.

 

"He tries to keep you away from him. Seeing you break down, watching his last moment breathing is the last thing he wants in this world…" says Leeteuk.

 

I was sobbing hard that I almost cant breath.

 

"How bad…" I try to speak but my voice wont come out.

"He did go to the hospital but seems like the treatment is not working. He lost hopes. When we're in Daegu the doctor there confirm that he will have only 2 months to live…"

 

My head starts doing the calculation almost too fast. 2 months? It means he only have a month left. Why does his life has to be so short? He has everything that everyone dreams of. He is a kind person. Why did God give us this kind of test?

 

I get up. Walking away from all the members towards the emergency units door. I sit in front of it, hugging my knees, shaking, trembling, all those feeling coming towards me. I feel guilt in me. If I hang on to him, he wouldn’t be alone now. I hate myself for leaving him alone, hate myself for making him success in getting rid of me. But not now, nothing can stop me from taking care of him again. I'll be there with him until the very end.

 

The door is finally open. A doctor step out with a nurse by his side. I rush towards him, so does everybody else.

 

"Doctor…is he okay?" I ask him first, being the most impatient one.

 

I know that look on the doctor's eyes. The dark sorrow eyes. I was scared. Don’t leave me Heechul…don’t leave me…

 

"For now…he is stable…but we cannot be so sure in the future. The tumor has spread in his body. It could attack him anytime now…"

"Anything…do anything to save him doctor…please…" I say as I can feel a hand wrap on my shoulder, calming me down.

"We will do everything that we have to…all that we can do now is pray…"

 

I look as the doctor walks away. I turn my view towards the members. Obviously they feel as bad as I do, maybe more. They have known him longer than I do right?

 

"Heechul…" I call out for him as Leeteuk brings me closer to him, hugging me close, trying to share our pain at the same time.

 

"He'll be alright…" he whispers to me but I know, he is not sure of what he is saying.

 

All the members went in first. I shake my head when they ask me to join them. It's not that I don’t want to. I need to collect my strength…if I have any left...to see him lying painfully in front of me, with me who cant do anything about it.

 

I don’t know how long did they stay in his room. I spent most of my times remembering what had happen between us. I remember him smiling, laughing and all of that just makes me cry. If only I knew. I wouldn’t make him share an umbrella with me. I couldn’t take this pain. Even if he is not with me…even if I am not with him…we do love each other right?

 

Someone tap on my shoulder. I look up.

 

"He is conscious now…I thought that you should go and see him…" says Leeteuk.

 

He turns to walk away as I grabs his hand.

 

"I'm scared…" I finally say what's in my mind.

 

I see him smiling. A fade weak smile.

 

"Believe me…no matter how hard he pushes you away, that's how much he wants you to be with him…he is afraid that he would lose you and I know you're feeling the same way too. But now…what's important is that you must treasure every minute that you have left with him…" he says as he grips on my hand tighter.

 

I finally gain my strength as I turn on the knob and push the door wide open to see Heechul lying on the hospital bed, alone, looking so tired and weak. My tears run out again. I wipe them away. I don’t want him to look at me like this, looking so vulnerable and lost.

 

I walk slowly towards his bed. Taking out the chair even slower and sit besides him. Those eyes, those round eyes used to be so cheerful and now all that I can see through it is a dark circle around it. His mouth…his mouth that I used to kiss lightly when I'm with him…they are chaps and faded. Do I have any right to say that the fate is cruel?

 

I take his hand slowly in mine, entangle our fingers together just like we used to. Slowly, his eye lids open. He looks at me for second before he looks away. I know somehow, he is crying.

 

"Heechul…" I call out for him.

 

He looks back at me. What more can I hope from one month that you have left?

 

"So…you found out?" he asks me with his husky voice.

 

My voice wouldn’t come out from my throat. As if my voice is cut down everytime I want to talk to him. All that I can do is look at him.

 

"This is why I don’t want you to be around me. I hate to see those sad eyes of yours," as his eyes met mine.

 

I wipes my tears, again.

 

"Heechul…I love you…" I tell him.

 

How I wish I could tell him this everyday until I die.

 

"I don’t want to die…leaving you..." he says slowly with his tears rolling down his cheek.

 

I get up as I sit on his bed, besides him. I kiss him slowly on his forehead down to his eyes and his cheek, finally on his lips. I look into his eyes thoroughly for some times.

 

"You wont…you wont…I promise you…we'll fight this together…okay?" I tell him, even though I know it’s a fake hope I am pulling out on him.

"I only have a month left…didn’t I?" he asks me like a kid.

 

How am I supposed to answer that?

 

I shake my head. I'm bad at lying.

 

He looks away then look back at me.

 

"Leave…please…I will die anyway…" he says as he pulls his hand away from me.

"You force me to leave once…it wont ever happen again…I love you and I know you love me too…so please…let me be with you…"

"And let you see all my suffer?" he asks me.

"Why are you so stubborn? At time like this…I need you to be with me…"

"You will get used to it…a life without me…" he says.

 

With all these push and pull between him and me I thought I was going to die sooner than him as I feel my head spinning around and a sudden blank strikes me. My stomach feels so painful that I starts to think back, I havent eat anything since yesterday. Maybe it's my gastric but then I feel something warm coming down on my tight. When I saw blood coming out from my skirt I panic and faint.

 

I don’t remember what happens but when I wake up I feel heavy headed. I look around me and I'm now lying on a soft mattress…it's the hospital bed. What happen to me?

 

"You're awake?" a voice approaches me with worry.

"Heechul?" I look at my right side.

"You make it so hard for me to leave…" he says suddenly as he starts to sobs.

"Heechul…what happen?" I don’t know what to do.

"You're were carrying…my baby…" he says slowly, out of his sobs.

 

I was left speechless for a moment. A baby? Our child? I have no idea about this.

 

"I'm sorry…" he says.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask as I put my hand on my belly.

"I wont be able to be your good husband…be a good father…and…and I wont be able to be with you when you have a hard time…I just don’t have the time…believe me…I want to…"

"Heechul…" I cut his words before he gets any further.

 

I try to get up. He wouldn’t let me. I can see that he himself is struggling to get up. What kind of fate would this be? My tears roll down again. Why did this happening to us?

 

He sits in my position before I fainted. He faced me.

 

"Forgive me…" he says as he leans over and kiss my forehead.

"It's not your fault…I don’t even know about this..."

"The baby…our baby…the doctor said that you miscarriage…because of your level of stress…"

 

And why did the one who's saying it to me is him? When all I want to do is to protect him from anymore misery…why did this news approach him? I can have this burden alone…I can…please let him be at rest…

 

He pulls me for a hug. A hug that breaks the ice wall around us. I finally let myself into his life again. Even it's for a month…as long as I can be with him…that is more than enough for me. We lost our baby and I don’t want to lose him again, even though it is clear that our time is ticking fast on the clock.

 

Counting down the day he would be gone, I slowly drift away from my safe place to my biggest worry. I take a break from my job and I would say I am very lucky to be working with my boss that are so understanding towards my situation. I was pretty happy when I am with him and being scared when I was at home. I was afraid that when I'm away…he'll be gone. Until one day…

 

"I wish I can be outside…when you are back at your place today I listen to the sounds of the birds chirping…" he pout his chapped mouth.

 

I smile at him. Even if he is sick, he still looks so appealing to me. His eyes, his nose…I couldn’t help myself but thinking I will miss him like crazy when he's gone. But often I shake those thoughts away from me.

 

"You want to go outside?" I ask him like a mother.

 

He eagerly nods like a child.

 

"Let me go and ask the doctor okay?" I say as I grab his hand softly.

 

As I get up to leave he grabs my hand tightly. I look at him in wonder.

 

"I love you…" he says with a smile.

 

The door to the room opens. The members come for their visit. I can see Leeteuk, Eunhyuk, Yesung, Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Siwon makes their way into the room.

 

I turn to look at Heechul.

 

"I love you too…" I whisper at his ear and kiss his cheek.

 

"I'm going out for a while…okay?"I tell the members.

 

I was walking towards the doctor's room with somehow a heavy heart. I didn’t count the date as I never want that one month to approach me. But I know, today…is the 30th day after his last surgery. And I cross my fingers, hoping everything will be okay. I couldn’t move my feet when this cross my mind. Just when I stop walking I heard a huge commotion behind me. I turn around. I can see Eunhyuk is running towards me along with Kyuhyun. Something is wrong.

 

"Hyung…Heechul hyung…he is…" says Eunhyuk painting hard.

 

Didn’t mind the doctor I run back towards Heechul's room leaving behind Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun.

 

"Heechul…Heechul ah…" I cried out as I saw him painting for air.

 

I could not imagine this moment finally come. Afraid that he might leave…to be experiencing this is killing me. How I wish I have the power to stop this. But I can't. The doctor comes in and all he can say to me is to pray.

 

I hold tightly to his hand. My tears can no longer heals the pain in my heart. His eyes look at me with his most precious look…one precious look before God takes him away. Away from me…away from everyone that loves him.

 

"Heechul!!" I cried out but he didn’t open his eyes…he heard me no more.

 

I hold his hand close to me. Even after it turns cold. Even if his lips starts to become blue in color. I shake in terror, trembling because I can’t believe that he is gone.

 

#Flashback#

 

He was singing somewhere in the house when I come home. It's been a tiring day but when I heard his voice, my tiredness all went away.

 

"I'm home…" I shout.

 

I heard a footsteps and I can see him standing in front of me now.

 

"Tough day?" he comes close to me and kiss me on my cheek.

"Oppa makes it all goes away…" I smile at him and takes his hand, leaving my shoes behind.

"What did you do today?" he asks me while makes me sit on the sofa.

 

He starts massaging my shoulder. He knows how to makes me smile even when I am tired and out of mood.

 

"Nothing much…but the new stock for the clothes just come…it makes me tired, counting all the new clothes. Oppa comes home early today?" I ask him back.

"Finish my schedule early. I thought I want to ask you out for a dinner…" he says and sits next to me, resting his head on my shoulder.

 

I put mine on his head.

 

"Mianhe…I think I'm too tired to go out…" I  say.

"Gwaenchana…we can just have dinner at home…watching TV…"

 

And I can feel his lips on my ear lobes. It tickles me and somehow he makes me feels so happy to be born into this world. How amazing this love can be.

 

"Oppa…I'll take a shower, then I'll prepare our dinner…okay?" I say while taking his hand and kiss it.

"You're tired…we'll just order some pizza…okay?"

"Is that okay?"

 

He nods.

 

"You want me to shower you?" he asks.

"Anneya…gwaenchana…" I say and blush.

 

He gets up.

 

"Really?" he asks me with his teasing tone.

"Oppa…" I starts to laugh at his expression.

"You don’t want to?" he asks as he walks closer to me and I step away from him.

"Oppa stop it…I'm fine…" I say while trying to stops myself from laughing looking at him.

"You sure?" he says as he walks faster towards me.

 

I run to the bathroom and locks the door. We both are laughing hard. He is outside and I am inside. Sometimes he is really funny and I can't help but to fell in love with that childish attitude.

 

"Make sure you wash well…or I'll do it for you…" he shouts from outside.

"Oppa stinks!" I shouts from inside.

 

After I'm done with my shower I slip into my nightdress and put on some lotion and perfume. I comb my hair and suddenly he is on the door, looking at me.

 

"My beautiful girl…our dinner is ready…" as hugs me from behind and whisper on my ear.

 

We walks hand in hand to the living room. We loves to eat while watching the TV and talks during that. The night time is the only time that we have for each other. During morning he will rush to his studio and I will rush to my boutique. Sometimes we'll have lunch together but usually we will just eat alone. So a night like this is really appreciated.

 

We sit on the sofa, cuddling while eating our pizza.

 

"Oppa…this movie…is it new?" I ask him while looking at the DVD cover.

"Mollayo…I borrow it from my friend," he says.

 

I keep on reading the synopsis and he takes it away from me.

 

"Why?" I ask him.

"Don’t stare at the hero too long…your hero is here…" he says, smiling.

 

I laughs.

 

"Yes, you are my hero. "

 

I sit back next to him, closer and hugs him. He kisses me on my forehead and we watched the movie together.  Sitting together like that, with the lights off and only the light of the TV to be seen, I feel like I'm still in the time where I date him secretly. He loves to play with my fingers and I just enjoy his existence.

 

"Oppa…gomawo…"

 

He smiles. That pure, angelic smiles that makes me loves him more has never fade from his face.

 

"I love you…" he says and kisses me before we enjoy the rest of our night perfectly.

 

#End of Flashback#

 

A year had past since that day. Whenever I sit down alone I will still cry, remembering his hand in mine and how his last wish to be taken outside, on a beautiful garden to hear the sound of the birds chirping didn’t come true, it breaks my heart into pieces.

 

I look at an invitation in my hand. Super Junior is still a successful group. After Heechul is gone, they work hard to recover from the sadness and the sorrow. As for me, I never thought I will still be alive today considering how depress I am when Heechul leaved.

 

"What is this?" I ask Leeteuk as he hands over the card to me.

"An anniversary…Super Junior anniversary…I know it's too much to ask but…we wish you could come…"

 

I just nod slowly.

 

The crowd are entering the hall from every corner. I have never been to any concert before. This is my first time. The air is full of spirit as ELFs are singing together with Super Junior, song by song. Finally, Leeteuk comes out with the introduction.

 

Leeteuk comes in front.

 

"Heechul…we wish you're here with us today. This song…we dedicate it to you…wherever you are…we love you and it will never change…" he says.

 

I cried silently as everyone burst into tears. When they sing the song I can't help but broke into pieces. How I wish I can turn back the time.

 

 

[Kyuhyun] We were in love, weren’t we?

All those days we spent together

[Sungmin] We shared our pain, didn’t we?

Even when we didn’t know what was wrong

[Donghae] Where are you now?

Don’t you hear my voice?

My aching heart searches for you

It calls out for you, it’s going crazy

[Yesung] My heart, my tears, again the memory of you

Drop by drop they fall onto my chest

[Ryeowook] I cry and cry, and with these memories that won’t be erased

Today my empty heart is drenched again

[Eunhyuk] We liked each other, didn’t we?

I used to make you laugh just by smiling

[Shindong] We cried together, didn’t we?

You would hurt too when you saw my tears

[Kyuhyun] Where are you now?

Don’t you see how exhausted I am?

My aching heart searches for you

It calls out for you, it’s going crazy

[Heechul] My heart, my tears, again the memory of you

Drop by drop they fall onto my chest

[Leeteuk] I cry and cry, and with these memories that won’t be erased

[Suju] Today my empty heart is drenched again

[Yesung] Won’t you come back to me?

Every day I call out your name

As I wait, exhausted, I wander and look for you

[Ryeowook] My love, my tears, my memories with you

[Suju] Drop by drop they fall onto my chest

I cry and cry, and with these memories that won’t be erased

Today my empty heart is drenched again

 

 

 

Heechul…no matter where you are…you still own my heart. Until we meet again…I'll keep your memories alive with me...

 

 

 

p/s: thousand apologies...i just love to write tragic stories...it doesnt mean i want them to die or something...but the song, memories in their 5th album makes me cry so bad... T___T

please dont hate me bcoz of this.... >_<'