I played with the lines on his hand as we laid next to each other in comfortable silence. Such strong, caring hands, capable of making me feels things no one else has been able to. I pressed a kiss to the palm of his hand before holding it to my chest.

“Are you done playing with my hand now?” he asked with amusement evident in his voice. I nodded placing my head on his chest as his other arm hugged me closer to his body. “Find anything interesting since the last time?”

“Not really,” I answered. “Just admiring the hands that made my head spin earlier.” He laughed into my hair before planting a kiss on my head. We laid there for a bit longer before I tore myself away from him to put my clothes on.

“Where are you going?” he asked sitting up to watch me.

I blew my hair out of my face as I shimmied my jeans up. “Home. I’ve got to get back before he notices that I’m late.”

“You really can’t stay a little longer? I mean she doesn’t leave work till 10, it’s only 6 now,” he tried to persuade me. “I could you home later and that way you could come back to bed. Come back to cuddling with me.” He hugged me from behind and kissed my neck softly.

I sighed happily and rested back into his chest. “I want to, you know I do, but I can’t. He usually comes over around 8 and I can’t walk into my apartment smelling like and not have dinner ready. I mean we’re already disrespectful as it is.”

He sighed defeated against my shoulder. “Okay okay, let me get dressed so I can at least drive you to your apartment. It might still be early evening but I don’t want you going home by yourself.”

He unwound his arms from my body and went to pull on some sweats and a hoodie before grabbing my hand and pulling me through the apartment. He was always like this, never being able to let me just walk on my own unless our insignificant others were around.

I still don’t know how we got ourselves into this situation in the first place. We were friends when we were younger and stayed that way through school and most of your young adulthood. I fancied myself in love with him in high school but never took the steps to figure out if we could have been something. We separated when I went to study abroad for university. I came back, started dating a nice guy I met at the office, and was happy until I ran into him again; this time with his girlfriend. He greeted me excitedly, as his old friend, introduced me to his partner as I introduced him to mine. And just like that we were friends again, and better yet our partners became good friends. Just as close as ever. And the feeling I thought I had lost when I left returned full force.

He caught me staring one day. Openly with very little shame. Granted I was a little drunk and lonely, my wonderful boyfriend having ditched me at a party for some reports that needed to be written up. He was alone too, his girlfriend didn’t like parties like this where the space was cramped and there were drunk people everywhere. Staring turned into joking, joking turned into more drinking, which then gave way to uninhibited confessions, and then by the next morning I found myself in a hotel room, , laying next to him. And even then shame and guilt never registered. It wasn’t till I had checked my phone to see worried texts littering my cell that I had realized that I had done something wrong. Shouting and fighting ensued, ending in us tangling ourselves back together in the most glorious way. We went home to our respective partners who were none the wiser to our debauchery. We kept a polite distance. We kept double dating. We kept smiling as if nothing had happened.

And we kept needing.

Needing the small jokes we told each other. Needing to see the smiles that lit up on each others faces, the kind that reached the eyes and brightened the room. Needing the way our hands fit so well. The way our eyes said everything our mouths couldn’t. The way one body danced and melted against the other. My legs wrapped around his waist. His hands gripping onto my hips. Our lips joining together. Our breaths and heartbeats matching as we both couldn’t get enough of each other.

We needed each other.

————————————————

"Why do you describe us that way?" he asked suddenly as he drove me home, holding my hand tightly.

"What way? What are you talking about that?" I asked.

"Disrespectful. That's how you always describe us, what we're doing, our love. For months," he explained, his voice taking a sad tone. He wouldn't look at me, not even for a second. "You've never described us as shameful, guilty, regretful, or anything normal people having an affair might be. You always use disrespectful. Why?"

"I don't know if we have time for me to explain this to you fully but I can try. Do you want me to?" I asked, moving so both my hands cupped one of his and my body was mostly facing him. He nodded and I took a breath.

"Alright let's start with what we're doing. Sleeping together. Could you imagine their reaction if even one us were to get caught by them?"

He chuckled a little, "She'd kill me."

"And he'd try to do the same. And that's just one of the big parts. Think of the small things we do. What if she found out I wore her robe around your apartment?"

"I'd probably go missing," he answered with a gulp. "And if he found out I wore his slippers in your apartment-"

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind, they are just slippers after all. They're not as intimate," I reasoned with a smile. "Now think if he realized that most of the condoms he buys aren't actually going in the trash cause I'm afraid they're expired but because you're actually using them."

"I think he would go after you instead," he grimaced. "Just because you'd be closer."

"And if your girlfriend found out that you paid my rent? And my deposit?" I cocked my eyebrow. He grimaced even more. "That's right, she'd go crazy. Maybe even rip out all your hair. We'd be found out almost immediately; that's too much for even a generous older brother figure to take care of."

"What about my laundry?" he asked knowing very well a few of his clothes were at my apartment as we spoke drying.

"I don't think you know what actions would cause a riot my dear," I said his hair. "He knows I do your laundry. I made up the excuse that you don't know how to and that your girlfriend was too busy with work to do your chores too."

"Then how do you get away with doing it? Shouldn't he be a little more suspicious?" he huffed a little. He was never one to be wrong.

"I work from home now. I get a lot of things done that way," I laughed calming him down. "Besides, there's more things that should and probably do make him a little suspicious, if not jealous. Like the 4am phone calls, and the fact that we're always riding in the same car together. And you take me to all the restaurants that she likes too, which I think I should be a little upset at but she does have good taste in food."

"And the best yet, you took me home to meet your parents again. You even introduced me as someone very special to you. Your dad expects us to tell them when we're officially engaged by the way," he smiled brightly at me before focusing on the road again.

"He would say something like that," I chuckled. "But I don't care. You're special to me. You always have been. And if being with you means I have to disrespect both my boyfriend and your girlfriend, lie to their faces, then so be it. You're too special to give up. Not after I gave you up the first time. I love you too much for that."

He pulled over on the not too busy road and kissed me. It was soft and deep. I felt his adoration, his respect, and his love. He pulled away before I was ready to give up those feelings and rested his forehead against mine. "You will always be special to me, love. Always. Tell me when you're ready to tell the world about us and I'll drop everything, I swear."

"You wouldn't mind being the way we are until then?" I almost started crying, I pulled his hand to my heart and squeezed. "You wouldn't mind being disrespectful for a bit longer?" He whispered no against my lips before kissing me again.

"I've loved you for a long time. I don't mind doing whatever you want me to do," he said pulling away. "Just tell me when. Whenever, wherever. I'll claim you as mine alone when you're ready."

He kissed my forehead before settling back into his seat and pulling back into traffic. We sat in a comfortable, airy silence until we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building. He walked me to the door and kissed me again.

I went through the rest of the day, light as a kite. I made my boyfriend his dinner, but barely ate my portion; too full on the feelings that wouldn't settle in my stomach. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew what I needed to calm down. I waited till my 4am call.

"Jinki… I'm ready."