Would (Always) Be
GravityKibum puffed a small breath out of his lips, clearing up the condensation on the surface of the shot glass in front of him.
The lights above his head flickered on the remaining liquid on the bottom of his glass, as he let his senses blindly worked by themselves after it, trying to comprehend the smallest things around him.
The dark fiber of the wood table where he rested his fist, and his chin.
The smell of smoke of someone's cigar that burned his nostrils.
The soft tap-tap-tap sound of the rain knocking on the window just two metres away from where he sat.
Kibum felt devoid. Timeless.
As if every intake of his breath was the count that took him closer to death.
He decided to close his eyes for a second, trying to swallow it –the wholeness of nothing- when he suddenly felt a gentle pat on his shoulder.
"Kibum-ah ?"
Kibum opened his eyes, regained his sights, slowly regained the consciousness about his existence, and why he's there, trying to convince himself he's not dying.
By Beam. Always Beam.
He turned his head, looking at Woohyun and trying not to frown too much.
"We called it quits.."
*
It's Jinki. Always Jinki.
Where his orbit gravitated toward.
No matter how far he went, everything would force Kibum back to him.
Kibum knew that he wasn't as uncaring as people thought he was. Or as thoughtless. Or as insensitive.
He just wished he wasn't this stupid.
"You're 25 going on 26. You should quickly get married."
He was not eavesdropping. At all.
Not when the said person on the phone practically put his caller on the speaker.
Kibum paused for a while from his dvd sorting, glancing back at Jinki who was obviously sending several uncomfortable glances to him.
It was their movie night. Just both of them. Alone in the dorm.
And as usual, they were sitting in front of the tv, among ocean of dvds on the floor, after ransacking the shelves to pick something to watch, when Jinki's mother called.
"You already have a girlfriend, don't you ?"
Kibum just raised his eyebrows to himself, expecting what kind of answer Jinki would give to dodge his mother, before quietly getting his focus back to the small stack of dvds on his lap.
But his ears refused to.
"I do not." Jinki replied, somehow strangled.
Not particularly girl. Kibum added.
Then his mother laughed "Don't lie to me. I know that woman.."
"What woman ?"
What woman ?
"That one you had dinner with ? That got in the news ? Your aunt showed it to me.. She looked nice.. You looked good together.."
Kibum frowned deeply to a certain dvd cover, trying to analyze the lettering of it's title. It's kind of ugly.
"Well, that's not.."
"Is she older ?"
"Yes. But.."
"Don't worry. I'm fine with older woman. So.. when will you bring her here ? You know, in secret ? You have your car glass tinted, don't you ?"
"Ma.."
"Jinki, I'm so old ! I want to hold my grandbaby before I die.."
"You're not that old."
"So, let me have my grandchild before I get that old !... Jinki ? Answer me."
The older sighed almost soundlessly before he answered, rather tiredly "I'll think about it."
He'll think about it ? Kibum frowned deeper, didn't get it.
Like what.. he'd really bring her to his parents ? And then, really get married ? And have twenty babies ?
Then what Kibum'd do ? Turning into a lamppost on Seoul street for the time being ?
That sounded good, right ? Really good. Let's clap along for his wicked idea !
"..bum ? Kibum ?"
"Huh ?" Kibum was pulled out of his daze, still holding the weird lettered dvd in his hand.
Jinki, already hanging up on his mother, smiled somehow apologetically to him before he glanced to Kibum's hand and asked softly "You want to watch that ?"
"Uh yeah." Kibum answered, without much thinking.
After placing the disc on it's player, they moved to sit on the couch across the tv. Side to side. Jinki's hand draped around Kibum's shoulder.
Kibum was kind of spacing out during the movie. Mind jumbled with too many thoughts, speculations, assumptions, fears.
Then the lead actor said some cheesy lines and Jinki recited them for him.
It was romantic. It was sweet.
It was empty.
Kibum felt Jinki caressed his nape slowly after that. And he knew what the gesture meant.
He looked up to Jinki and met his crescent eyes.
Which got darker and darker as the older tilted his head and leaned in closer to him.
Kibum still could feel his heart skipped a beat, blood rushing to his ear, no matter how many times they'd done this before.
Then his breath hitched and he crumpled the front of Jinki's shirt instinctively as he felt the older's lips, slowly pressing on his.
And it finally dawned on Kibum, when Jinki pulled his body even closer, just how incompatible they were.
They were edges crashing on edges. Ignoring the other half curves that should be.
They were bones against bones. Two like poles refusing to repel.
They were abominations bending the norm. That one day they're going to snap against each other and pushed apart.
They just weren't meant to be.
And when Jinki's fingers slowly slipped under his shirt, caressed his fluttering tummy and made it way down his pants, for the first time Kibum knew that it was wrong.
Like they were.
*
"What the hell, Kibum ?!" Jinki just couldn't put it together in his mind when the following noon, Kibum suddenly came to see him and tell his intention to call it quits "What the hell do you mean by that ?"
"I just feel that this.." Kibum turned his head to see the older's room wallpaper, refused to see the owner "This will never work out, hyung. You and I. We're just.. wrong."
"Wrong ?" Jinki frowned before scoffing "No. What's wrong with you, Kibum ? We were fine."
"We were never fine, hyung. We will never be." Kibum snapped, finally looked at Jinki and sent him a pained look. God, how could he be so delusional? "How could you not see it ?"
"What should I see, Kibum ? I only see you !"
Maybe you could see better with me out of the picture.
Kibum was exasperated, and decided to just glare at Jinki's floor, instead. Biting his lips and just held everything in.
And they let the silence hung in the air after that, suffocating them. Until at one point, Jinki softened his tone as he spoke again.
"Is it because of yesterday ? Because of what my mother said ?" He asked "You know how pushy she could be. It will.. pass."
"Then what ?" Kibum lifted his head and raised his eyebrows "We're going on like this for another five, six years ? Then your mother will bring up the marriage issue again ? And you'll promise her to bring some woman home instead of me ?"
Jinki just shook his head in silence, starting to feel lost.
"Could you even imagine we're having a real future together ?" Kibum bombarded "Could you, hyung ? Don't you feel like we spend all these years for nothing ?"
Jinki turned his head to Kibum in a snap then, opening his mouth to reply back but failed to find any words, he closed it again, chest heaving up and down.
"I don't even want to hear anything from you in this state, Kibum.” His crescent eyes hardened “Just.. forget it."
Forget us. Kibum phrased it as.
*
"Again ?" Woohyun raised one of his eyebrows in disbelief "How many times have you been going on and off with him, seriously ?"
"It's real this time."
"Yeah," Woohyun rolled his eyes as he took a seat on the stool beside Kibum "Like I never heard that one before.."
"He's better off without me." Kibum said, sighing as he twirled the glass in his hand, cheek resting on the table.
"That's bull. You know he loves you."
"Are you really that naïve, Nam Woohyun ?" Kibum raised his head a bit just to send a mocking frown to his bestfriend "Love is not the answer of everything."
Woohyun shrugged "Just don't call and yell in my ear in the middle of dawn when you're getting back with him."
"I won't."
"Cross your heart and hope to die ?"
"No, thanks."
Woohyun just chuckled and shook his head as he downed his own dosage of Beam.
*
So then, nothing could keep Kibum down. Nothing could reach him out.
He was breaking the law.
Leaping out of his spheres. Defying gravity.
Love and crescent eyes were for the weak.
He was not.
He was free. He lied to himself, ignoring the burning lungs, the aching spines, under the multicolor lights and more, more Beams that burned his senses down.
He was free. Would be.
Would be.
*
But then the news came out.
And he woke up.
Crashing back down, harder than he thought.
"I'm sorry, what surgery ?" Kibum cut their manager off, eyebrows furrowed deeply, thinking he was mistaken.
"Vocal polyp." their manager said, turning to the rapper before he got back to the others. "Your leader has been holding it in since february. We couldn't wait any longer not to tell all of you, we couldn't postpone the treatment again."
Then he was blabbering about their upcoming schedules, change of singing lines and all that .
Kibum could care less. He couldn't hear any of it.
He couldn't even turn to look at Jinki who was sitting beside the eldest, still smiling.
Still goddamn in' smiling.
The other members were as speechless. Running out of words of consolation or surprised or pity, tho their eyes spoke most of it.
But Kibum was angry.
February ? He tightened his jaw, clenching his fist, staring into the invisible dot on the floor. They were still freakin together in february.
"Excuse me for a while." Kibum stood abruptly, breaking the almost solemn atmosphere, leaving to his room.
He couldn't think. Kibum stood pensively after shutting his door, chest strangled. Couldn't fathom how should he feel.
He didn't even know to whom his anger was directed to.
That stupid man. Or his more stupid self.
After taking a long, deep, heavy breath, Kibum decided to just do something, anything. To convince himself that he shouldn't care.
Not this much, at least.
Not to this extent.
He shouldn't. He clenched his teeth, tidying his bunkbed that almost impossible to be tidied.
He shouldn't. He sorted his clothes. Coat for winter, loose for summer, bright for springs, patterns for fall.
Until he asked himself what the he was doing.
The truth was, he’s just afraid of once again, free-falling.
*
But it was inevitable.
Because it's Jinki. Always Jinki.
The only compulsion that would pull him back despite all of his resistance.
Kibum could only bit his lips as he quietly stared out of the window of the van that brought him back to the dorm from the airport. Agitated.
Jinki was discharged from the hospital the day before.
So he, without much thinking, decided to charge another ticket for the earliest flight that was still available from Brazil.
Leaving the rest of the member and their manager hyung who was only giving him a shrug when he told him his plan.
The man knew –by those hard-looking feline- he couldn’t talk Kibum out of it even if he wanted to.
Kibum took a deep breath before looking down to the phone on his lap.
Scrolling down before tapping the messenger icon.
Yes, he was worried about the leader. More than he could bear.
That even the silly picture that Jinki sent in random on their members group-chat could paint a little smile on his face.
Stupid. Kibum sighed, staring at the nickname he’s giving for Jinki in his contact. He never changed it. I hate you.
But he knew it’s only half true.
*
Jinki was bundled up in a blanket, watching the re-run of some silly gag show he loved to follow when Kibum found him in the living room.
The older seemed sleepy and ready to doze off, thus wasn't aware of Kibum's arrival.
And Kibum, knowing that he was the one that had been avoiding the other for the past two months, just realized how awkward things could be in this circumstance.
He gulped.
And that's when Jinki looked up to him. Crescent eyes showing complete surprise, confusion, contemplation, hint of smile, more confusion.
Kibum wasn't even ready to say anything, so in the end he just muttered 'Hi.' before turning around stiffly to go back to his room.
He banged his forehead to the wall of his room for his idiocy after.
*
Kibum knew Jinki was staring at him.
It felt all too familiar.
He was brewing herbs his grandmother sent him (that were good for throats, just because) into a pot of chicken soup in the kitchen, next to the living room floor where Jinki was playing with Commedes.
All mutely and sort of funny, cause the poodle kept barking like coaxing Jinki to emit any sound.
Which he just couldn't.
Kibum tried not to smile. Not to the hilarious soundless game, neither to the so-called secretive glances he kept receiving from the older male.
. Kibum cursed himself as he realized it while turning off the stove. He was so gonna kill Woohyun and his prophecy.
"Onew hyung !"
Kibum himself almost had a heart attack when he heard the yell.
He didn't even hear the door opening. But now he could see who made the fuss.
Jonghyun, fresh from the airport, just launched himself to smother Jinki on the floor.
Such a puppy. Kibum rolled his eyes. Kim Jonghyun.
So he resumed his concoction-making with Jonghyun lone talking as the background.
"So you can't talk, can you, hyung ?"
"Did you go under anesthesia ?"
"Does it that you can't speak ?"
"Look. This is my playlist for tomorrow night. You think it's okay ?"
"Hey, your phone's ringing. Do you want me to get that ?"
"Oh. They're just texts. From Joonie hyung, Yonghwa and uhm.. Jungah noo..na ? Wa. You guys still like.. keep in touch ?"
Kibum only tounged the inside of his cheek when he heard it.
No breaking plates or any more extreme reaction.
Because, bluntly asking, what could he do ?
He was nothing in comparison with her, in every single aspect.
He was even nothing for Jinki now.
He was done. He thought, setting the pot on the table, carefully not to just slam it down like his brain told him to. He was so done.
"Oh hi, Kibum !" Jonghyun greeted him cheerily when he decided to walk out from the kitchen, back to his safe nest "How long have you been there ? What's that smell ? Are you making your grandma's chicken soup ?"
Kibum nodded and smiled a bit to Jonghyun, tho it faltered when he turned to look at Jinki, who was for the first time that day, clearly on purpose avoiding his gaze.
*
Because he just didn't want to look at it again. That pain.
The pain that Kibum brought upon himself by speculating things.
The pain that Jinki couldn't undo, even if he wanted to.
Not when Kibum had settled himself to firmly believe in it.
Kibum thought people couldn't see it.
But he bled when he fell.
And nothing that rusty could just pass by one without noticing it.
Not when those charring scars embedded proudly on his sleeves.
'From : 정아 누나
I hope things go well. I'm sorry for causing misunderstanding between you two. I wish i could also talk to him in person. I'm really sorry.'
Cause for Jinki, it's Kibum. Always Kibum.
The only thing he could see even when the other stellars revolved around him.
And would always be.
*
Kibum sighed a little as he hugged his knees and rested his chin on top of them, eyes settled on the screen across of him.
Another (lone) movie night. Another painful physchological confrontation he should deal with about the past, about the what-ifs and what-should bes.
Then he shook his head, tried to get rid of the excruciating thought and decided to just turn the volume up and watch.
But then he heard a hushed, hoarse voice followed by a click of the door.
"No, Ma. Listen to me. I shouldn't speak much. But.. there's really nothing going on between me and her. N-.. No, I'm not lying to you."
Jinki ? Kibum lifted his head from his knee and turned around, frowning to the direction of the voice.
"Yes. I'm seeing someone. Kind of.. You know who it is. Yes, I'll bring whoever it is home, someday. I gotta go."
Then Jinki turned up from the hallway, where Kibum still blankly stared in expectant into.
Their eyes met, and Kibum held his breath.
Before seconds later, he blinked and broke the contact by stiffly turned his head back to the front, trying to get his focus back to the movie he watched and tightened the embrace on his knees. Holding onto himself. Holding.
Until he heard a soft stepping sound coming closer and the other side of the couch he'd been occupying was slowly sagging down.
Jinki sat next to him. In silence, for some minutes. And Kibum knew he just couldn't be not disturbed.
They were watching the movie together in tensed distraction, distracting tension.
Until at a particular ridiculous scene, Kibum could hear Jinki muffled a laugh.
And he, unconsciously, got along. Scoffing then also bursting into small laugh.
Before he realized that he cried a little, too.
Frustating. So goddamn frustating.
How unfair it was for Jinki to do this to him. Pulling him back in like it was nothing.
Kibum sighed as he turned his head away to the other side, trying to hide.
But the stupid, exasperated tears just wouldn't stop.
And he buried his face on his knees while wishing Jinki wouldn't notice.
But he did, apparently.
"I'm sorry." Jinki whispered, finally, tho almost inaudible, scooted closer and wrapped his arm around the younger's waist "I'm so sorry."
Kibum just shook his head and mumbled no-s and still trying to stop the in tears.
"I'm sorry." Jinki said again, pulling Kibum' folded body into his chest. "I'm sorry, Kibum-ah."
*
They watched the credit title rolled together in silence after Kibum's all drained out.
Jinki was still holding him, tighter than it should be.
Refusing to let go. Not this time.
So, in the end, everything led him back to Jinki. Always Jinki.
Cause no matter how far you could fly, everyone still needed the ground.
And Jinki was the one who could keep Kibum down.
He could only defy the gravity so much before he started falling back down.
And now he thought, even if it's only for this small eternity where he could hear the softest thump thump thump of Jinki's heartbeat again, it was fine.
--
(Ps : Hope it doesn't go too far from what you're wishing to read, eternalonkey90 ><)
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