This isn't a typical love story.
This is just me loving him. One sided love as they say.
Full of  sweet nothings.
Sugar-coated words.
Confusing actions.
And unrequited love.

It was still clear in my head, July 12, 2013, the day i realized how hard I fell on my and realized how my heart fell for your act.

Kim Jongin. Kim Jongin. I chanted his name like a beautiful mantra. Smiling to myself as I strode to the direction I know I can see him.
 

Kim Jongin. My not-so-close-friend. My pure addiction. My kryptonite. I was hopelessly in love with him, it turns out that my little crush on him grew into an unwanted one-sided-love. Yet, even though I found out that he has a girlfriend, my hopes of making him to fall in love with me got crashed in a matter of seconds the moment i saw him all lovey dovey, my love grew even deeper and dangerously it .

When he formally introduced her to me, i dont get it why he have to but being the supportive friend I am, I needed to feign that I am happy and all. I left after I lied that got a messge from my Sister.

I stopped on my track when  Im sure that I was far away from him, from them. I clutched down, hugging my knees close to my chest, I didnt care that i was in the middle of the school ground at that time, i started sobbing, hard and rough. I ran away, somewhere, somewhere i dont know, all i think of that time was to leave this place. It was getting pretty late, my feet worked on its own will, bringing me into an empty green field. I stumbled back and fell flat on my face, i was crying how much pain do i have to endure. I sat slowly and hugged my knees again, it was no use. The pain, it wont go away. I cried my lungs out. After I spend my meaningless, sesnseless and worthless life there, crying, I finally decided to go home. 

I walked lifelessly at the side walk, everything was surreal, the people who was busy with their own life, the cars that come and go, the advertisement. I looked up to the billboard, Yeah, it was almost nearing Valentine's day. My dream of celebrating it with him, even in the most innocent way, as friend of course, crashed down on me again. I unconsciously wiped the tears that I let out, unnoticed. I continued walking home. 
 

I  know that I have stopped crying but why do I feel someting wetting my face? Not only my face but my head also. I held my hand in the air like I was begging for some solicit on the streets, it started raining. Like what the actual hell? Is fate playing with me?
 

Walk.
Walk.
Lifelessly.

I didn't went to school the next day. I got sick. My sister went to work early in the morning. I stayed all cramped up on my bed. Thinking of the fastest way to get rid of my feelings for Jongin. I heard the doorbell ringing, I sat up and walked to the living room aimlessly. Maybe, Yni-unnie forgot her keys again. I unlocked the door and turned around immediately not minding to greet her properly. 
I settled on sitting at the couch and opened the TV. "I told you too leave your house key at the vase outside, if in case right? And now I had to open the door for you." I sighed and lie on the couch, putting my right arm above my eyes.
 

"Are you sick?" That voice. "You didnt go to school, though." I sat up straight. 
"What are you doing here?" I'm still on my short shorts that was mainly covered by my oversized hoodie. 
"Your friend, Hanjung, asked me to hand you the assignments." He explained and sat beside me. "But why didnt you text me that your coming over?" I protested, embarrassement taking over.
"I did, at least, five times, i guess." he said. I stood up from the couch. "Oh. Thanks. Just leave it there and you can leave any time you want, I have to rest early." I lied lamely.
 

What he did took me by surprise, even though how many times he did it to me. He grabbed my wrist and turn me around, he wrapped his strong arms on waist tightly, that I just melted instantly. Oh Jongin! You and your confusing actions. He buried his face on my stomach, i touched his hair, feeling the fluffiness of it. This was just one of the time that i wanted to get angry at him, at myslef, for letting him use me this way. "You had a fight, didn't you?" But i just have to be this weak for him. He nod his head and it tickles me, i chuckled. He inched his face away from my stomach and looked up to me, he placed his chin on my torso. "Why are you laughing?"
 

Kim Jongin, you're being childish, i wanted to tell him. But i had to hold back. One wrong word and I'll melt. "Just tell me your problem, I'll listen." I was his sweet escape whenever they fight, even before he introduced her to me. I didn't mind. Even if it hurts to know that i was just an option, an option that will never be a priority. It's just that i dont care anymore if he treat me like , i just wanted to be this close. I wanted to be someone who he runs to first when he has problems. I wanted to be an addiction for him like he was for me. Someone he could resist but would eventually look for because he's longing for me, asking for me or at least missing me. 

Sure thing, one-sided-love hurts but unrequited love will kill you the most.

I must ask.
 

Why do people love? Loving and always ending up broken? Why do people endure the pain when they can actually avoid them? Why does pain need to be a part of falling in love? It . But the cycle continues.

I asked my sister about my dillema's. "Because love saves you from loneliness." She reasoned out. 
Being the stubborn I am. "But it fails to save you from being broken." I retorted back.
"Well, There's always a consequence in every choice we make." she said. And I just had to pick the stupidest choice of loving him. 

It was a gloomy Saturday, no class means home alone. My sister have her weekly date with her boyfriend. I lie on my bed, I was all dressed up casually because i had the urge to go somewhere. I dont want to stay all day here, feeling all ed up. Should I text Hanjung? No. she has saturday reviews. The sound of my phone ringing emitted and I break from my trance. I answered it not looking at the caller ID. "Hello?" I said plainly.
 

"Can I come over?" 
"I guess?"
Then the other line ended. 
 

I walked going to the kitchen to grab some drink and to look for snacks to eat. The fridge were full of foods but i dont like it. My sister usually buys the diet snacks and energy drinks. I heard a soft knock from the main door, so I went to open.
 

"Where are you going?" Jongin asked immediately when I opened the door for him. He was the one who called me.
"I had thought of going out, but since you insisted on coming over. Might as well welcome you here." I said with a playful smile. I moved aside to let him in.
 

"Since you're all dressed up and I dont want to waste your effort for dressing up for me." He said, i scoffed. "Might as well spend this day outside, together.." he mimicked but i had this feeling that he'll invite his girlfriend and I dont want to be the third wheel. I stared at him unsurely. "Dont worry. Just you and me." He cooed. 
 

I nod like a puppy and smiled. "I'll just get my purse and phone." I said before turning back.
"It's a date. Im the guy. So I'll be the one spending money." He said and grabbed my hand, locking the door immediately.
 

"Yah! Kim Jongin! Why did you close the door. You should've let me to get my phone."
 

"No chance. I dont want someone to interrupt out little date." He said and intertwined our fingers. He was way out of the border line. What if his girlfriend  figured about this? I'll be a on people's eyes.

What if he's just using me again? What if's. If this side of him continues, I dont think i can ever find a way to move on. "What do you say? Should we go or should i just leave you here outside.  It's cold. You're alone. Hmm?" It was tempting. He was tempting. I decided i should go, because i dont know