(It’s a dream, I tell myself over and over again. It’s a dream and I’ve already woken up but I try to go back to that dream, over and over again.)

I stare at the ceiling, counting the points. It was bordering on midnight and still, I was awake. Tomorrow’s the big day; tomorrow’s the day I go to the amusement park with Kimi. We go to the amusement park as a duo, Minah and Kimi, annually – or sometimes, more. This year, we got free tickets from our volunteer place, and so did everyone else that volunteered – including Myungsoo.

The last time I stayed up – or rather, pulled an all nighter – was when Myungsoo breathe out a let’s break up over the phone. I feel the rush of the fabricated cold air as it tangles itself between my fingers. Break up, such grotesque words. The tears slowly dried up as it carried itself with the air. It was sudden; it was brusque, but not uncalled for. Yet, it hurts just the same.

I’ll be seeing Myungsoo tomorrow; how I’m supposed to react tomorrow if I see him. Are my words suppose to get tangle in my throat, or am I suppose to stare awkwardly at the sky while everyone stares. I shrug. I just know that it’ll hurt, a lot.

It also hurts to know that I can’t let go, even after a month. The pain’s still raw, it hurts so much.

The line-up made me regret coming here, especially on a Saturday. It was ridiculous; they weren’t even waiting to go on a ride but rather, to get through the gates of the amusement park.

“Look at the line-up, it’s so long.” Kimi flailed her arms, baffled. 

“It’s a Saturday,” I shrug.

“Hey guys!” a voice called out, followed by a pat on the shoulder.

“Hey Kihyo.”

“Hey Kihyo.”

I stare at Kimi and we both chuckle at our in sync-ness. Kihyo: a friend, not a close friend but a friend; a high school friend and a fellow colleague at the volunteer place.

She’s a part of Myungsoo’s group today. The latter of the group came. It was the usual gang, plus a few females from the volunteer group, notably Jaeun. Then, Myungsoo comes, dawn in a red hoodie. I remember telling him that red looks good on him, he didn’t comment but he started wearing the hoodie a lot more often.

He sees me staring and continues to stare. I look away, uncomfortable. I can feel his eyes trailing me as I lift my handbag over my shoulder.

“Can I squeeze in?” Kihyo ask, standing beside us.

Kimi and I don’t mind but when the group ushers to join, the people behind us scowl.

“Sorry, we can’t,” Kimi gesture to the sullen lady. 

Myungsoo didn’t say anything when the group headed to the back of the line.

I don’t know how it happens. Kimi leaves early because her parents come to pick her up, I meet up with another friend, Jaeun. She’s also a part of Myungsoo’s group. So, my duo with Kimi turn into me becoming an addition to Myungsoo’s group.

I talk to Sunggyu most of the time. He sometimes has a sad look and his eyes flicker between Myungsoo and I in perplexity. I tried to ignore it, just like how I ignore Myungsoo’s frequent glances.

I feel like this is the first few seconds before a downfall. I would be at the peak of happiness. Laughter and smiles will follow every word, and memories will be made. Being in Myungsoo’s group, sometimes standing beside Myungsoo, it was a joke, a test from above. Standing so close to Myungsoo, yet, acting like strangers, while Jaeun would ask me questions through her eyes. Jaeun’s a good friend but a dense one that needs to be told everything before she fully understood. “I’ll tell you later,” I mouth out.

There were times when our hands would touch; intrepidly he would pull back, making it awkward. I would bite my bottom lip, against the hurt forming in my throat. “So, are you ready for summer school?” Sunggyu asks, an invitation to stand beside him.

I smile, gratefully at him.

Sunggyu: our high school president next year. He feels like he has responsibility for every student that walks pass our school’s double doors, all 800 of us, especially the bits that was in his year. He convinces Kimi to let go of her perilous diet plan, he helps Sungyeol find a job and he lend an ear during my break up with Myungsoo. Everyone knows that Sunggyu’s the person to go to when there’s trouble and he welcomes them with no hesitation. That’s Sunggyu, the one who puts everyone ahead of himself, the one whose body is weak and frail from the burden, Sunggyu, my friend.

When the mental bars come down, I hear Sunggyu ask, “Are you ready?” I stare at the mental tracks ahead and the big loop. I feel my stomach flipping and flopping.

I nod and throw my head back, and hear Myungsoo’s low murmurs. “Should I cry? Should I be happy?" My eyes follow the tracks, and drown out the noise from behind, Myungsoo’s low murmurs gets drown, but his laughter cut through the veil. No matter how much I filter everything out, he would stand out, grabbing my attention. I hate that but I don’t hate him. The lump forms again, choking me.

"It’s okay to be happy." Sunggyu gives me a reassuring smile. I try to believe him but Sunggyu could only do so much to my breaking heart. I wonder if bits of it will fall out during the loops.

I survive the loops and sharp turns of the coaster, screaming along the way. I could hear Myungsoo screaming a few cars back and I couldn’t help but scream, "idiot!” at the big drop. Luckily for me, my heart’s still here. Thump thump thump, I feel the fast rapid beats.

Through a twist, or someone’s arrangement, the group splits up. It happens so fast. One minute, a cloud of people rush through us, and the next minute, I find myself standing in a daze circle, staring at Sungyeol, Saehee and Myungsoo. I don’t mind Sungyeol or Saehee, it’s just Myungsoo. It’s always Myungsoo.

We walk in a line of four. Myungsoo and I stand at opposite ends. I don’t see Myungsoo nor does Myungsoo see me. I turn back to Saehee laughing at something. Saehee’s a timid girl from school, I could talk to her about the most arbitrary things but at that moment, the words were hard to find. Being the reserve type, I feel happy when she tries to strike a conversation. Other than happiness, I feel like a soulless being as everyone tries to give me their soul.

After a while of perseverance, it turns bits of frailty. Myungsoo’s prying eyes bothered me, to an extent. Whenever I angle myself behind Saehee and Sungyeol, out of his sight, he would shift slightly, his eyes following me. Occasionally, Sungyeol’s – lame – absurd jokes would make Myungsoo laugh. His laugh sounds the same, and I could almost see his eyes turning into pretty crescents. I wish I could see it with my own eyes but hearing it was a gracious gift.

“Look at that ride!” Sungyeol pointed to a deadly one that spun round and round. It also swung from side to side, and the nauseous rumples in my chest.

I looked at Saehee, who mirrored my expression: objection. I turn around; ready to sprint – Sungyeol and Myungsoo are much faster but I, at least, had to put up a struggle before my death. Before I could take a step, I felt it. I felt Myungsoo’s hand around my wrist, and from the corner of my eyes, I saw Saehee standing in line, unwillingly, with Sungyeol blocking all forms of exit. 

“It’s not that bad,” Myungsoo said softly, before a cough.

I blink as he drags me – it wasn’t that hard – to the line, taking advantage of my fazed body. Thump thump thump, my heart reminded me that it was still there, beating wildly.

“My bag,” I extend my hand and he shakes his head, cutely. Something I miss.

“You’ll get it back when we get off the ride.” I stare at him, musingly. His eyelashes frame his deep charcoal eyes and brushes against his defined cheeks. It was paucity to see his face so close, and to have him staring at me, it was enough. I still remember my fingertips grazing across his cheeks, our love dabbing little marks here and there.

I screamed as we swing, left and right, left and right. The world was still spinning when I got off. I don’t know why but I let Sungyeol talk me into going on another ride. During the line up, things went as I will. There was no physical interaction whatsoever but I think I would prefer that over this, this mental struggle. I was never good at games that require mentality like Sudoku, Tetris, Myungsoo on the other hand was a pro at it. 

Sungyeol and Saehee talked, thus leaving me with Myungsoo – well, Myungsoo’s eyes. It seems like the purpose of his mouth is to eat. For the past two hours, being with Myungsoo brought me back to the time when we were dating, when Myungsoo was my boyfriend and when I was his girlfriend, when people would absentmindedly leave Myungsoo and me alone in fear of being the “third wheel.” I remember us making small talks, laughing at the marginal things. Back then, holding hands was enough. Now, I want to put a paper bag over his head to stop him from staring.

There were separate line ups for each car, and each car has two seats. Sungyeol wanted to sit in the front, much to Saehee’s protest. So, they lined up at the front. Myungsoo didn’t care; I didn’t care, so the ride instructor stuck us in the back.

“Hey Cutie,” a teenager around our age said, to me. I looked behind me, surprised. There was no one behind me. Either the guy’s talking to me or Myungsoo, I hope it was Myungsoo.

“Uhh…”

“How’s your day?” He asks. I looked at the floor and nodded. Then I feel something grab my hand, and I look back, at Myungsoo.

He leans back against the metal bar, holding my hand in his. His expression was one between angry and arrogance. I stared at it, at our hands and felt the heat rushing to my face. What’s going on?

The two idiots stopped talking, and turned away, embarrassed. Myungsoo didn’t talk, just held my hand. I didn’t pull away, waiting for him to let go but he didn’t. We live in predilection, with my hand in his for another minute or hour – it didn’t make a difference – until the ride instructor buckles us in.

We still didn’t talk, and he didn’t stare. I heave a sigh of relief, and I see him smirk.

Going down the drop, I raise my hands, screaming. I screamed at Myungsoo for being an idiot, a sardonic idiot leaving me lost on the platform. If he left me completely then it would be okay. I would get up and find the exit, maybe with Kimi, Sunggyu or Hoya’s help but I would find the exit. When I get up, I find myself stumbling and tripping. Myungsoo would frequently appear here and there, tattooing our memories in my artery and letting it run through me, affecting my feelings, my mind, poisoning me. He’s like a teaser, constantly getting my hopes too high and it buries a deep hole in the ground where the dying hope falls. He was cruel in that sense and I scream it out.

I stop a bit when Myungsoo’s hand brushes against mine; it wasn’t a feathery brush but a daubing brush. I move my hand a bit, away from his and he follow suit. The warmth from his hand spread over to mine, spreading more poison into my body. We didn’t say anything, but there was a prominent blush on his face.

When we get off the ride, the ride took a picture of our hands touching. Myungsoo walks by (I know he pretends not to see because Sungyeol points at his face and says he looks retarded while going down the ride). Saehee said my hair looks crazy, but I don’t notice my hair, I only see our hands. I rub my throat, and I feel the hoarseness clocking the entry for coherent words to form.

That night, I feel like I’m still on the rides. My mind swings, left and right, left and right. I feel myself floating, sort of, and the places where Myungsoo touch me grow warmer and warmer.

I didn’t tell Kimi about Myungsoo that night, just that the group stayed until the park close and we ate French fries and drank bubble tea until our stomachs swelled. I trusted Kimi with everything, but this felt too personal to tell. Shame ran through me at the thought of it, and I would probably die of embarrassment if I breathe a word of it. In the end, I didn’t tell anyone. Just like the old ones, it was Myungsoo's secret and my secret – our secret.

I see Myungsoo come online, and he updates with a new message.

“Take me back to that old familiar place, to the memories we won't erase.”

The adolescent stage of life, when you’re in the process of finding yourself, I’m there. What I like, what I want to be. At my ripe age, I was scared, I wasn’t ready. The amount of courses I want to take, and the amount of courses I can take don’t match. Or so, my guidance counsellor tells me.

So, beforehand, I apply for summer school. My school because it doesn’t offer the course I want, so I go to a different school. I remember Myungsoo saying he’ll apply too, that was two months before we broke up. I remember smiling at my fantasies of our summer school romance, and how we’ll spend our summer together but that’s not going to happen. I’m the idiot that’s single before summer even started. 

I chose a pair of shorts and a plain t-shirt in the morning. I don’t know if it’s appropriate for a Catholic school but the morning blocks out these thoughts. I walk and listen to Sungjong talk about strange things, like how his summer went, who he thinks is going to come, and I don’t remember the rest. Sungjong lives near my street, so we meet at the intersection at 7:50 AM every morning.

It was a relief, almost, to just listen to trivial things. Sungjong’s the embodiment of blithe. He doesn’t notice my silence and continues talking, filling in for my lack of words.

Myungsoo walks in late that morning, he apologizes to the teacher and skim the room for seats. He doesn’t look at me, and plops himself beside Sungjong. It hurts to have him ignore me but I tell myself that it’s a phase that everyone goes through, I’m just late. I stare at the back of their heads for the rest of the day. 

Summer school: a raw month of learning. People say it’s difficult, Kimi thinks so too – she’s been complaining for hours about her school (she goes to a different one). I guess I’m queer in that aspect, the course I’m taking isn’t that hard. It’s stressful, a year’s worth of school clamp up in one month but I work well under stress. During the breaks, I unwillingly tag along behind Myungsoo and Sungjong while they talk about the latest games or whatever. It turns out, that we’re the only ones from our school that takes this course, so Sungjong thinks we should stick together. No one approaches me – with understandable reasons, Sungjong and Myungsoo can be quite intimidating. I distinctly remember this one girl did, and then she ran away when she found another girl. By the first week, Kimi’s marvelling about her new friends and I grumble about Sungjong talking too much and Myungsoo not talking at all.

During a particular break, Sungjong takes refugee to his new phone, leaving Myungsoo and I to stare at each other. It was like a staring contest. Myungsoo remain unfazed and I’m determined. Sungjong coughs in-between, his face telling me that it’s awkward to stare at us. I tell him that I ‘forgot’ my notes at home so he couldn’t copy it. By the end of our fifteen minute break, I conclude that Myungsoo has eye problems.

One month of summer goes by, wasted by summer school. I pass, Myungsoo pass, and Sungjong pass. That day, we meet another friend from school who takes a different course, Jaemin. She wiggles her eyebrow at Myungsoo and I, we take it that she doesn’t know that we’re not an ‘item’ anymore but Myungsoo and Minah. She talks to Sungjong and drags him ahead while Myungsoo and I walk behind. He congratulates me, and I congratulate him. Silence fills in our empty gap. It was awkward.

Two weeks go by; I see Kimi, and sometimes Dongwoo for his piano classes. Dongwoo holds his birthday party at a fancy restaurant, and Myungsoo can’t go because his parents are livid at him for always leaving the house and coming back at ungodly hours. So, on that day, I see everyone from the usual gang.

Dongwoo apologizes for coming late – he was 30 minutes late – when it’s his birthday. Kimi and I gang up on him and make him pay for our drinks. It’s been months since I heard Dongwoo’s laughter and Sungjong’s high pitch voice. Occasionally Woohyun slurs some of his jokes here and there, and we feel second hand embarrassment. I miss them. The party was fun with pictures and free food. Free food is always good but I feel like there was something missing – or rather someone missing as I glance past the empty seat.

Dongwoo stresses about his crush, and how they’re getting nowhere. He complains that they like each other, he confess to her, she said she likes him too, but they don’t go out. Kimi calls them weird and doesn’t want to deal with them. I comment on how he should give up on her. It was then that I realize the irony of that. Giving advice and following advice are two different things. I tell Dongwoo to forget and move on, but I don’t take my own advice. Myungsoo. I don’t see him for three weeks but I think of him, almost daily. It was like he never left.

“Myungsoo,” the name that's so unfamiliar to my tongue, the sound of it, the sharp sounds in general, was unfamiliar. Yet, I remember it all too well. The unfamiliarity was momentarily, yet the effect was lastingly.

"Don't drown in those feelings you know will make you do cowardly things, again." Hoya’s words come back, like a little pain reliever. He’s right. I need distractions and my manhwas aren’t updating. I told Dongwoo I had to go and I pick up the phone, and dial the all too proverbial ten digit numbers.

“Hello?” Kimi had a habit of answering everything – from phone calls, face-to-face greetings to online messages – with hello. Formality follows every breath she takes.

Kimi is my friend, a cherished one; the type where you’re in sync, the rare kind. Kimi and I understood each other, more so than friends, bordering on a sisterly love. It could be from the fact that we’re both Scorpions so we understand each other’s every decisions, or it could be that we went through things – tough things – that tighten our bond. I don’t know what it was, but I’m thankful.

“Hey Kimi, you free today?”

“Yeah, where and when?”

“Err, I don’t know. You decide.”

It usually started and ended the same. Questions answered with questions. That’s the result of two versatile people. 

“I don’t mind, you decide.”

“Not this again,” I punctuate with a laugh, follow by Kimi’s snort. 

Fast forward by five minutes, and we decide on the time and place – with a bunch of Idontknow and Anythingisfine in between. It’s difficult but it’s worthwhile.

We decide to meet an hour later, but I add an extra twenty minutes. In an hour, Kimi’s going to leave her house, and it takes twenty minutes to get here. She’s a tardy person, but her sincerity makes up for it. It makes up for everything.

In exactly an hour and 20 minutes, I hear the doorbell. I usually am never wrong, except for last time.

“Hey, you ready?” she clings onto her handbag.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

I close the door behind me, hearing it lock itself automatically. Like the sound of my heart.

“What’s the difference between giving up and moving on?” I push off the ground and swing higher until I see the ground in a weird angle. It’s fuzzy and almost scary – the thought of falling.

She stares at me, worried, concern, I couldn’t tell.

“It’s difficult. They could be considered the same thing or could lead to one another—”

“Tell me, I don’t know.”

“Well, I think giving up is when you give up after you tried your hardest but you know that in the end, nothing’s going to change. In the end, you think: ‘what’s the point of trying?’ And you lose hope and you give up. It takes a certain level of maturity to decide to give up instead of holding on. Moving on – I think it could be a different thing but they could be a step-by-step thing. It could also be irreconcilable.” 

Giving up never sounded so righteous and suave before. It was usually a synonym for failure, it usually meant failure. But now, I looked up to the word, its superiority. It wasn’t such a cowardly word one but one of bravery.

Usually, Kimi had trouble choosing the right word, but she had times when poetry spoke for her. This is one of her moments.

“Moving on is similar to giving up except I think there’s more acceptance. You accept that you guys can’t go any further, so you decide to move on. It’s not like you’re going to find someone new but I think you’ve given up on trying and is looking for a new start. It’s like you’re helping yourself.”

What feels worst is that I don’t know where I stand; towards the giving up platform or moving on. Either way, it meant that I’ve given up on the thought of Myungsoo and I together. It wasn’t impossible but the possibility of us being together is almost impossible. It was ugly, this feeling. Knowing each other so well, knowing that you could talk for hours and hours but there was something impeding it and that was our memories. Our memories mark the foundation of our potential relationship but also became our obstacle.

“Thanks.”

“These are just my opinions though, and coming from someone who has no experience, my answers are debatable.” She punctuate with a nervous laugh.

Despite Kimi having no relationship experiences whatsoever, she’s more experience than most people her age. Surprisingly, all the books she reads and indirect dating experience from friends turn her into an advice guru. Not a reliable one – none of them are – but it’s nice to have other opinions; though none of them mattered except for your own.

I remember Kimi talking about Myungsoo, how he literally popped out of nowhere and said hi to her online. I pass it off with a suppress laugh. I was envious, down to the core. Two months ago, Myungsoo would say hi to me first, now I’m lucky to get something other than a ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘lol.’

“I noticed that I lack the social skills needed to keep up a conversation.” He tells me one day. You lack more than that Myungsoo, much more than that. I hear a text come in and I look at my phone. Unconsciously, my eyes scroll down to my previous texts, all from Myungsoo. Remarks like, “I want cookies,” or “Good luck on your test” draws a dim smile.

I remember him telling me over the phone that he wanted to break up because he wasn’t happy; his happiness came from making me happy. A few days later, I texted him, “Were you happy? I was so happy.”

He replied, almost immediately, "I was happy, I really was!" I remember, frowning. He contradicted himself, greatly. He was happy and at the same time, he wasn’t. It didn’t add up, it didn’t make sense. It felt like a derisory excuse to end us. I cared for this relationship, he did too but he abandoned it, killed it. I want a legitimate reason as to why we ended. But I didn’t get it. 

I saw him online, with a new message again. I don’t know why, but my mouse hovered over his name and I typed a small Heyyy! He responds with a Yooo, much to my relief and we continue with several small chats. Until I ask him, “Are you having fun?” without me. I see the notification, ‘Myungsoo is writing....’ then the pencil erases everything and he stops typing. He responds with, "I feel really distant." from you.

“Our worlds are too different now,” I replied. There’s nothing between us now, the only thing we have in common now is the times we spent together. The excuse, “I wanted to see you” doesn’t work anymore. 

“If you don’t love me, then don’t be kind to me.” I whisper to my computer screen, at his despicable choice of font and color. 

"I’m not the nice person you think I am." He says, and our chat ends. 

School’s in a week and few days.

I almost regret it, being so compatible with Myungsoo. Our class selections last year are almost identical; I would be lucky if I only saw him for two classes out of our four, but I knew I was never that lucky. If I was, I would still be with him.

I stand in line, waiting for the iced cappuccino. Instead of finding the bills and coins, I found two tickets. Hastily, I stuff them in the other side of my wallet and gave the cold coin to the cashier.

Outside, with the iced cap, I unravel the two pieces of paper folded in half. It had a gloss over it and the black words created a fog of ink over the content. I could still tell that they’re movie tickets. Two movie tickets. Myungsoo and I only watched two tickets together and he paid for both.

“I’ll save every movie ticket we watch.” He said while holding our tickets. I didn’t understand why he wanted to. Stereotypically, females collect the figments of memories but here’s Myungsoo, saying it and looking undeniably cool while he’s at it. I didn’t expect him to be so corny, but it was his subtle way to say that he cared about us. There were no words but he’s a man that speaks for his actions.

I take a sip of the ice cap and grin at the similar taste. Similar but the mixer mixed it just a bit better. I make a mental note to visit the new store more often. My hand tightens around the two movie tickets as I see a garbage can. I should throw them away. A physical reminder of Myungsoo lying around in my wallet isn’t, well, isn’t good.

“Here,” he gives me two tickets. The tickets didn’t change; they were in mint condition except for the fold in the middle, making it all the more transferable. It was that easy to transfer our memories around.

For a brief moment, our hands touch and the feelings rush back. It felt suffocating to know that they still existed but the chance of it being mutual is scarce. It hurts.

“Okay,” I said. He didn’t say it, but I know that he has the other two tickets. After that, we didn’t say anything but he kept staring at me until I pretended Kimi had called. I could still feel his eyes on me as I walked away.

With a heavy sigh, I walk past the garbage can.

(It’s 3 in the afternoon but I’m looking for the midnight train already.)

A month subsequent to the last visit, I find myself in line to get inside the amusement park again. This time, there’s no volunteer group, there’s no chance of seeing Myungsoo.

“The line up’s almost empty,” Kimi chirp while pointing to every ride.

I nod, and it was true. The wait for every line-up is less than ten minutes, and sooner or later, we'll start to scream our hearts out.

Four hours go by, and we’re wet to the bones from the water squirts. We decide to go on the roller coaster. I can go on big drops, fast speed but I can’t take fast spins.

In the line-up, all the memories come back. Myungsoo holding my hand, our arms touching, everything came back. The feelings, the warmth, everything felt...nice.

“You know Kimi, that day—” I pause, unsure. From the look in her eyes, she knew what I was talking about. “Myungsoo, he…”

It felt nice, to finally tell someone about this. Especially if it was Kimi. “I still like him.”

She nods, “I know.” She knows but she always waits, until the said person’s ready to tell. She’s impatient when it comes to meeting and dates but she’s the most patient person when it comes to secrecy.

“But I won’t like him because I want him to like me back.”

She stares at me, head tilt, eyes pondering. All of Kimi’s dramas, her attentive ears to those stories couldn’t help her understand this, this thwarting feeling. It was a push and pull effect.

“I know you don’t get it, but thanks for listening.”

Her eyes go into the distance, but quickly return. “No problem,”

Despite Myungsoo’s aloof self; he made me the happiest, with no efforts. “You know, out of my three relationships, Myungsoo’s the only one I don’t regret.”

Five days before school starts, I get a mail from the school to pick up my timetable. Kimi and I are in separate lines again because of our surname. I see Hoya in my line, and he moves over, giving me room. No one scowls because that’s life. You benefit from your connections. Some benefit more, some don’t benefit.

“Is it okay to cut so many people?”

“People do it all the time, don’t worry,” He shrugs. “So, how’s your summer?”

“Good, summer school was boring. I didn’t see you at the amusement park.”

“Sorry, I had a baseball game that day.”

“Did you win?” He nods, proudly. He seems tired and a bit sad. I understand why. Hoya had a girlfriend a few months after Myungsoo and I got together, and broke up on the same day as we did. His girlfriend, Syerin was too busy with school. He was depressed but much stronger than me. He even found the strength to pick me up from the pits of despair.

“You'll be better off if you find someone else to fall in love with.” Were his words that day when I found the courage to look up. 

Hoya’s one of Myungsoo’s close friends, so he knows how his friend would react to the break up, how he’ll treat me. I knew that he knew how hurt I would be. The only thing he could do is give me courage through his words. When he called that night, his words were cruel, but they struck a nerve. He gave cuts and bruises, but there was no blood, only reminders. It didn’t just ease the pain like Kimi’s hug did; it brought me to my senses. Though his words, I have to disagree with. If I had a choice, I would choose to fall in love with someone more caring and flagrant. Maybe someone like him, but if we could choose, then life would be easier. That’s what made it all the debauched. 

“Remember Minah,” he pats my shoulders, “As long as you're alive, happens.” It depends on how subjective I let it be.

“I know Hoya, thanks.”

What made it more decadent was my choice. If I could choose again, I would choose Myungsoo. Always.

According to Kimi, who still talks to Myungsoo, Myungsoo and I have the same classes except for first period. First period was math and it went by quickly, then it was second period. I saw him walk in, a smile from ear to ear. He talked to Sungjong for a bit while I sat beside Saehee.

Before walking to his seat, he smiles at me. Not the bright one, but a small bashful one. I nod at him. We continue like that in third period and then fourth period, with frequent glances from people here and there. Just simple smiles and coy nods.

Like the coaster with Sunggyu, I survive the loops and drops. I can survive 180 days of school with him. I can survive these swivelling feelings.

(“Miss, are you getting on?” He took off his cap and saluted me.

I blink, once, twice, thrice. “I don’t know.”

The train took off and somewhere in the distance, the clock struck midnight.)





A/N: Thoughts? Comments? Anything? No insults, of course. These events are all real, just not in chronologically order. Saying that, I don't appreciate people going, "Omg, the character's so weird, why didn't they just blah blah blah." Thanks for reading ^^ I hope you like it ^^ 

To friend: I hope you all like this and hopefully don't mind the inconsistencies. I tried to make it faithful to life but it didn't turn out thay way :P